Husband wants to separate after 20 years marriage

Sorry I'm not familiar that's why I asked. Sorry OP it isn't practical with family life.

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. Forget trying to talk to him, get legal advice and start planning where you go from here without him. I wouldn’t try to communicate with him at this stage, he’ll be uncooperative and make you feel bad for trying to chase him, just leave it and eventually he’ll have a reason to contact you. Get any important paperwork out of the house so that he can’t take it.

Sorry to hear this OP.

As you don't want to save the marriage I would focus your energy on sorting yourself out. I know that's easier said than done, but try be pragmatic to ensure you come out of this with what you deserve. Focus on yourself and your future now.

I hope you come to find your life is better without him. The way he has treated you suggests to me this may be the case.

It's very easy for them to become detached working away and being in their own heads in a lorry all week.
Take some time op. Its a fresh start. Hopefully money from the house and perhaps redudancy could buy you a smaller property. You still have your kids and grandkids.
Though doesnt feel like it you can look at want you want to do - different career, go back to education etc.

Sorry to ask OP so he sleeps in his lorry van all these years? Was he generous with money? No way I would put up with that whilst having to raise children all week.

Agree with others thoughts too. Do what's best for you OP!

I’m so sorry this has all happened to you

The way he won’t look you in the eye and discuss this shows he knows he’s hurt you, there’s some secret he’s holding on to, and if he looks you in the eye you will see it. It could be another woman, it could be financial. He’s probably been planning this awhile and all his plans set. It’s really time you do the same.

its Monday morning, get an appointment with a solicitor asap, and get all the paperwork together. Check all your finances individually and jointly, do a bit of detective work to see if he has accounts he’s been keeping secret from you. He’s playing dirty with you so don’t you be soft look after yourself.

Once you have that sorted start looking for another job, I don’t know what you do but a lot of retail places start looking for staff in the autumn for the run up to Christmas even if it’s just a filler job until something more in your line comes up, it will bring money in and keep you busy.

you sound close to your sons let them support you through this they’re adults and I know a lot of MNers will say don’t involve your children you mustn’t turn them off their father, but they are adults they can think things out for themselves.

@BeFancyRoseReader sorry to hear this; what an awful shock. He almost certainly has someone else; working away so much would make it easier to lead a double life or separate himself mentally (and mentally check out even if nobody is involved yet - guess there is a chance he doesn’t have someone on the side but you said he has done it before). I would start looking at all your finances - if you own your own home, what’s left on the mortgage, do you have any joint savings and so on and yes, talk to a solicitor and make sure you are as prepared as you can be. Not talking to the kids? Makes it more likely someone else is involved.

This
It doesn't matter why. And he he seems like a shit husband and a shit dad so in the long run you will be relieved of a burden having him around.

He’s not an honest man. He’s not spoken to his children for 2 months! This says it all. Concentrate on getting what is yours and move on. His life will not end well. Take comfort in that fact. He will likely be back asking for a reconciliation with you. Don’t fall for it.

And if he was honest and gave you a full explanation, would that change anything? The why doesn’t really matter.

Yes put yourself first and get some advice. There probably is someone else op I’m sorry because 9 times out of ten there is, and he has form. He won’t play nice, he will follow ‘the script’. He’s checked out from the family probably because he doesn’t want to see his bad behaviour reflected back to him. He will want to pretend he’s the victim and there is justification somehow. But as others say it doesn’t actually matter as you now have to protect yourself and try to interact with him only if absolutely necessary.

So sorry this has happened.

He’s checked out. Very strong possibility of another woman on the scene. Whilst you’re currently focussing on getting him to explain or stay with you, you need to get strong and start sorting out what needs to be done, as he’s probably been planning this for a while and is steps ahead of you. Look at finances and bank accounts. If joint account, move half the money to a safe account. See a solicitor to get advice on the house and any other stuff like pensions (you may be entitled to some of his pension). Gather family and friends around you for emotional support. Look at getting another job. I’m afraid part time may no longer be an option. You’ve got this - find your strength and focus on you, as he’s no longer your friend, and he won’t be doing anything in your best interests I’m afraid.

There is someone else. He did before 15 years ago.

Do you really want to save this marriage again?

I am sorry OP, what a shock. You are still fairly young, you may have 20+ good working years in you.

I think you have to take it at face value. Stop asking him for explanations - I know that is hard - but none of it will provide you with any real healing at this point in time, likely what he says won’t make sense to you or you’ll want to try and argue him round, and he may not tell you the truth anyway.

Instead you have to be very practical. Tell him you understand he wants to move out but since he’s hardly there anyway, if you promise not to create “an atmosphere” or beg him to stay, in exchange please would he “stay” until the house is sold. Explain you will both be better off financially if this happens amicably and that you think he owes you something for the 35 years of your life you committed to him.

If he refuses then I’d strongly suggest he has another woman waiting who he intends to move in with. In this situation I would tell him that you expect him to continue paying the same contribution to bills and mortgage. I would phone all the utilities and council tax and change the name on the account to his name only. I would follow all the standard advice to secure copies of all important documents and financial information including pensions - store separately from where you usually keep that stuff. Finally is reach an agreement about the joint bank account assuming you have one for household bills - tell him that if he raids the account or stops paying int it it will backfire on him at the divorce settlement.

You could also ask one of your adult kids to help mediate some of these conversations if this may be helpful?

You will get further if you bottle up the emotions for now, hard as it is.

If you have any friends and family (not children) talk to them about it. Cry it out op, it’s so so hard. With the redundancy you’ve a double whammy so just work on trying to sort through your feelings. When dh told me I started trying to find a way to feel me again- started going for walks, went to a gallery, went clothes (window and trying on!) shopping, had long hot showers and went for drives listening to break up/ inspirational music, singing along and bawling(!). I watched things like Gilmore girls and friends and sobbed and laughed and comedies. I’m no help with the financial stuff but best of luck x

Hmm, are your children angry because they get free childcare and now you'll have to work f/t I wonder? It does sound like you're already estranged.
Yes to legal advice, all you can do now is ensure a fair split.

If he’s told you it’s done he definitely means it and has been sitting on this for a while.

Get yourself legal advice immediately and do what you can to get through each day/week as it comes. Try not to spend too much time worrying about things far off into the future. Focus on the here and now.

Make sure you’re eating and drinking and looking after yourself and lean on those around you.

Get that legal advice. Today.

He has met someone. Sorry but it's very common. Men don't just want a divorce out of the blue. Tell yourself he has met someone and prepare for that.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. What a shitty way to end your marriage.

I also think there will be another woman, men very rarely end their marriages like this unless there is someone waiting in the wings.

Tell people in real life, you will need support system in place. Find a brilliant lawyer, take copies of all important documents and agree to nothing until you’ve had legal advice x