Page 3 | Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

ellie09 · 2025-08-18T07:06:55+00:00

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year. This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has. Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years). Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs? We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down. Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner). Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:31

kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:26

Also though, I think it should be his decision not yours. So if you’re having 60 guests, he gets to choose 30, and you get 30. If he wants to invite his cousins’ partners (presumably at the cost of some of his friends) then that’s his choice.

Edited

Well, we budgeted for a certain amount of guests. We still can afford more, but it means that the budget is getting higher and also the guest list keeps growing higher and higher.

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Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 18/08/2025 10:31

We had a strict limit of 60 for our wedding. We split the numbers down the middle so DH could invite 30 of “his” people and I could invite 30 of “my” people?
Could you do something like this? Then whoever DH chooses to invite or not invite is up to him and you neither have to pay extra to cover people you don’t want, nor would you have to bump some of your own friends and family to fit them in.

Catwoman8 · 18/08/2025 10:31

It is difficult when you have a large family and are working towards a maximum number. We had to make a decision about cousins, we decided that any cousin who was married/had children together were invited as a couple/family, those who were not married/no kids fairly newish relationship, we only invited the cousin.

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 10:27

Coconutter24 · 18/08/2025 10:00

She has

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Yes and I’ve said they should pay in proportion to the split of guests? So if he wants cousins partners it’ll be his cost?

kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:26

Also though, I think it should be his decision not yours. So if you’re having 60 guests, he gets to choose 30, and you get 30. If he wants to invite his cousins’ partners (presumably at the cost of some of his friends) then that’s his choice.

kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:25

I just wouldn’t invite the cousins at all.

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:21

spoonbillstretford · 18/08/2025 10:07

I would invite them both all day or not at all. One half of partnership all day and one in the evening is so weird and poor etiquette.

Small wedding, you get half the guests for bride and half for the groom, and yes there have to be some tough decisions, so it's definitely fine not to invite them full stop.

Maybe I am the only one, but I do think its more acceptable if the wedding is 10 mins from most of the guests. I do accept its rude if the wedding is quite a distance away and would require lots of planning to go to an evening reception.

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spoonbillstretford · 18/08/2025 10:07

I would invite them both all day or not at all. One half of partnership all day and one in the evening is so weird and poor etiquette.

Small wedding, you get half the guests for bride and half for the groom, and yes there have to be some tough decisions, so it's definitely fine not to invite them full stop.

Coconutter24 · 18/08/2025 10:00

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:12

Ask your partner what he wants to do.

She has

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 09:55

Wtafdidido · 18/08/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t invite anyone who has made zero effort to get to know me and that includes the cousins. I also would t invite anyone I wasn’t going to see again or more than just a card here or there or a once in a blue moon visit. I would keep it really small and just have immediate family and very close friends. Do what you want. Life is too short to tiptoe round trying to do what other people expect or want. It’s your day.

That's exactly the approach I have taken with my side guests.

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Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 09:52

Cynic17 · 18/08/2025 09:37

If you invite the cousins, then you must also invite their partners. Anything else would be rude, and there is no need for you to descend to other people's levels of discourtesy.

But if you want to keep it small, why are you inviting cousins you hardly ever see? Just stick to close family and friends.

Well, yes, I agree. I havent invited anyone extended on my side, so I dont have that problem. Only close immediate family and my closest friends and their partners (as I know all my closest friends partners also)

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Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 09:49

heroinechic · 18/08/2025 09:31

Were you engaged when the invites went out for his cousins’ weddings?

Yes

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TheRealGoose · 18/08/2025 09:44

I think you need to reach a compromise, it is his wedding too and he gets a say, so I’d urge you to talk and come to something you can both live with.

Wtafdidido · 18/08/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t invite anyone who has made zero effort to get to know me and that includes the cousins. I also would t invite anyone I wasn’t going to see again or more than just a card here or there or a once in a blue moon visit. I would keep it really small and just have immediate family and very close friends. Do what you want. Life is too short to tiptoe round trying to do what other people expect or want. It’s your day.

Cynic17 · 18/08/2025 09:37

If you invite the cousins, then you must also invite their partners. Anything else would be rude, and there is no need for you to descend to other people's levels of discourtesy.

But if you want to keep it small, why are you inviting cousins you hardly ever see? Just stick to close family and friends.

Soontobe60 · 18/08/2025 09:33

The drama is hilarious!
First, invite who you want to your wedding, both the bride and the groom.
Second, if you’re already splitting hairs over who pays for what then maybe getting married isn’t a great idea yet!
you invite who you want, he invites who he wants.

Amonthinthecountry · 18/08/2025 09:33

Dancingsquirrels · 18/08/2025 09:22

That seems cheeky of your cousin to have double standards. Did you point this out to him? If so, how did he react?

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No I didn’t. I just explained by text that we were limited on numbers. I think I should have called him and explained the situation properly. My instinct at the time was that it was a bit rich but I’ve seen (on this website) how upset people get when they’re not invited to their spouse’s family weddings so I appreciate now that this is expected by lots of people.

heroinechic · 18/08/2025 09:31

Were you engaged when the invites went out for his cousins’ weddings?

Swiftie1878 · 18/08/2025 09:27

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:16

He said it only seems fair to invite the partners as they will be married.

But at a huge cost per head, in which we are both paying a wedding 50/50 (and my guest numbers are lower), I don't think its fair to expect me to pay some of their costs, when neither of us know them.

Maybe that's their theory when planning their weddings. Which I completely get and is my theory also, which is why I dont think we should extend the invite.

They also had an opportunity to meet me or have me meet the extended family twice now ahead of my own wedding, but this hasn't happened. Its one of those families where everyone wont be in the same room unless its a big event like this.

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It’s his family, so his dilemma to solve. He needs to be fair to you on cost sharing though if it means his guest list will be significantly longer than yours.

Vaxtable · 18/08/2025 09:23

If costs are tight and he only sees them at weddings I would not invite the cousin or partner.

if you are paying 50/50 then 50% of the guests are yours and you fill those slots and he can fill his. If he then wants to invite more he pays the extra

I can’t be doing with wedding guests who are people you only see at weddings and never have anything to do with at any other point

Dancingsquirrels · 18/08/2025 09:22

Amonthinthecountry · 18/08/2025 09:00

I had this with my family. My other half wasn’t invited to my cousin’s wedding. I actually thought it was fair enough as I have probs only met my cousin a dozen times in my life. When it came round to my wedding, I just invited the cousin and not his wife and kids and he was really upset by this. I don’t think he appreciated that my family on the other side is enormous and I hadn’t invited any cousins from that side at all in an effort to keep numbers down. If I’d invited all cousins and their families it would have been an extra 50 people… so I think it’s totally fair not to invite the spouses but just have a plan for how to manage it if there’s push back. I don’t think I was as sympathetic as I could have been and I feel a little guilty about this.

That seems cheeky of your cousin to have double standards. Did you point this out to him? If so, how did he react?

Ellie1015 · 18/08/2025 09:20

If you have agreed on 50/60 for wedding then if it comes to it he gets 25-30 guests and so do you. Surely he will chose his friends and siblings partners who he knows over cousins partners.

FrangipaniBlue · 18/08/2025 09:16

Should have added….. I didn’t want to invite any cousins to our wedding but husband did. We both had large families, his were close but mine were “all only ever in the same room at christenings, weddings and funerals”.

We agreed all or none and in the end went with all and cut right back on other things to balance the books (got married late afternoon, no sit down wedding breakfast just a buffet at teatime).

21 years later DH says he wished he’d let me have my way, culled all the cousins and had a proper sit down meal 🤦🏽‍♀️🥴😆

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 09:16

FrangipaniBlue · 18/08/2025 09:12

So it’s a mid-week small ish wedding and your 2nd time?

I’d say don’t invite any cousins at all, on either side 🤷🏻‍♀️

Chances are they won’t come anyway….. I certainly wouldn’t use 2 days annual leave for a cousins wedding…… tbh I’d be a bit miffed doing it for all but my best friend!

Yep, I said the same to DP, that if it was on a day that fell during the week, unless it was a good friend or a close family member, I wouldnt be happy about using my annual leave and would actually prefer an evening invite, so I could not use annual leave then pop in for drinks later (especially if it is local, as it is for them).

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Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 09:13

Amonthinthecountry · 18/08/2025 09:00

I had this with my family. My other half wasn’t invited to my cousin’s wedding. I actually thought it was fair enough as I have probs only met my cousin a dozen times in my life. When it came round to my wedding, I just invited the cousin and not his wife and kids and he was really upset by this. I don’t think he appreciated that my family on the other side is enormous and I hadn’t invited any cousins from that side at all in an effort to keep numbers down. If I’d invited all cousins and their families it would have been an extra 50 people… so I think it’s totally fair not to invite the spouses but just have a plan for how to manage it if there’s push back. I don’t think I was as sympathetic as I could have been and I feel a little guilty about this.

Yep, I am in the same position where DPs family is quite big and his share of guests is already dwarfing mine by quite a bit.

I left out my extended family due to some family rifts and not everybody getting along, so it cut my numbers down quite a bit.

Also, its my second wedding, so been through it all before and know what really matters is just having closest and dearest there on the day.

Trying to be understanding that this is DPs first wedding, and the excitement I had at my first one, because I wanted everyone at the celebration! But this was also back over ten years ago, where etiquette was a bit different.

Think me and DP need to have a sit down and figure out a middle ground re. guest list and invites etc.

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