Page 2 | Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

ellie09 · 2025-08-18T07:06:55+00:00

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year. This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has. Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years). Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs? We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down. Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner). Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

Melonmango70 · 18/08/2025 11:34

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:51

Its a Wednesday and a hotel local to all of them. I think in those cases I would actually prefer retaining an annual leave day for effectively, a strangers wedding then popping in for a few hours for a couple of drinks.

Maybe that's just me though.

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You could invite all cousins and partners to the evening do rather than the whole day. That would be fair to you in terms of being able to keep numbers down, and nobody would be left out or feel left out if all the cousins/partners were given the same invitation.

OopsNoHoliday · 18/08/2025 11:28

For a small wedding where your “side” of the guest list is smaller and costs are shared, I think it’s reasonable to say to DH that you don’t want to pay for the +1s.

Tell him if that’s an issue for his family then his family should fund the extra chairs.

Tablesandchairs23 · 18/08/2025 11:25

I agree with you.

Sunaquarius · 18/08/2025 11:24

Do what you can afford. I generally didn't invite partners because I couldn't afford it.

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 11:22

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/08/2025 11:17

I'd have the small wedding you planned for and only invite all cousins for the evening unless he is particularly close to one or two. Especially by the sounds of it you are getting married closer to his family than yours.

The equable treatment should head off his mother who is probably at the root of much of this [or will be soon once she gets wind of it] and your reasons re your son and DP's brother are more than reasonable. They can head off in the evening and the cousins can rock up for a few drinks and dance.

Is this an Irish wedding by any chance? I see so much of this drama llama with my family. I completely did my own thing and rode out the criticism. Aunts and Uncles only with 1 first cousin from each family [as huge family too]. No-one batted an eyelid other than my parents.

Save your money for your future. Especially if you have a vulnerable child.

Yes, we are an Irish family, so our extended families at times can be huge, and also expectations of large weddings etc.

We are also very blessed to be in a position where we can save for a wedding and house at the same time. The house is important to me as it will meet DS needs more, so I want to stay on the projected timeline for this also.

I will stick to a set number, add my side in and he can work out who to include with whats left for his side, then at least it wont be any decision of mine.

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/08/2025 11:17

I'd have the small wedding you planned for and only invite all cousins for the evening unless he is particularly close to one or two. Especially by the sounds of it you are getting married closer to his family than yours.

The equable treatment should head off his mother who is probably at the root of much of this [or will be soon once she gets wind of it] and your reasons re your son and DP's brother are more than reasonable. They can head off in the evening and the cousins can rock up for a few drinks and dance.

Is this an Irish wedding by any chance? I see so much of this drama llama with my family. I completely did my own thing and rode out the criticism. Aunts and Uncles only with 1 first cousin from each family [as huge family too]. No-one batted an eyelid other than my parents.

Save your money for your future. Especially if you have a vulnerable child.

HeyThereDelila · 18/08/2025 11:09

The general rule is if they’re married you invite both, if they’re not you can use your discretion.

We have a big family and paid for our own wedding. Partners were only invited if I knew them and had met them. Consequently one of my cousin’s who lives abroad didn’t come, but he’d been with his partner six years, we’d never met her, he’d never brought her over to see us or introduced us, and I didn’t want total strangers at my wedding, particularly when he had a track record of the relationships not lasting.

Diarygirlqueen · 18/08/2025 11:08

It's only reading on mn that I realised people often didn't get an invite for their partners to weddings. Where I'm from its the done thing, only exception if its a hobby or work friend. I think its rude not to have your partner or a plus one included.
However, in your situation, the cousins have set the bar on how to behave. Stand your ground and set boundaries with your future hubby and his mum!

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 11:08

BuckChuckets · 18/08/2025 11:02

Call me bitter or petty, but I'd absolutely not invite the partners!

He was originally more annoyed about it than me

Even if I was invited, I dont think I could have made the 5 hour round journey, and the costs of hotel room, dog boarding, getting child looked after and also getting time off work (no annual leave).

But it still would have been nice to be asked (though I am not fuming).

Obviously, I just mean would it be seem bitter if I then excluded partners from our list, considering we want to work to a smaller number of guests.

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BIossomtoes · 18/08/2025 11:06

FrangipaniBlue · 18/08/2025 09:16

Should have added….. I didn’t want to invite any cousins to our wedding but husband did. We both had large families, his were close but mine were “all only ever in the same room at christenings, weddings and funerals”.

We agreed all or none and in the end went with all and cut right back on other things to balance the books (got married late afternoon, no sit down wedding breakfast just a buffet at teatime).

21 years later DH says he wished he’d let me have my way, culled all the cousins and had a proper sit down meal 🤦🏽‍♀️🥴😆

I can’t imagine caring enough to regret your wedding choices 21 years on. If your bloke wants to invite them ask him to pay the extra @ellie09. Job done.

pizzaHeart · 18/08/2025 11:03

I would go differently. Make a list of people you absolutely want to invite e.g parents, siblings, close friends, those who are absolute must for your wedding because of their presence in your life and then see how much space you have.

BuckChuckets · 18/08/2025 11:02

Call me bitter or petty, but I'd absolutely not invite the partners!

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 11:00

MamaElephantMama · 18/08/2025 10:56

Personally I wouldn’t invite them. Your wedding sounds fairly intimate so I’d even question inviting the cousins nobody really sees.

Yep it is.

I did agree that DPs friend could bring his partner as he is travelling from Canada across, so its a lot of money invested coming for our wedding and its nice for him to have a travel companion.

I'm not against people bringing partners if it makes sense for them to be there (e.g. we know them, or they are incuring large expenses to come to our day), but when the people I dont know are local, and it will cost them £10, if even in a taxi down, then I start having doubts on whether £100 a head should be paid for their meal.

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MamaElephantMama · 18/08/2025 10:56

Personally I wouldn’t invite them. Your wedding sounds fairly intimate so I’d even question inviting the cousins nobody really sees.

Coconutter24 · 18/08/2025 10:55

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 10:27

Yes and I’ve said they should pay in proportion to the split of guests? So if he wants cousins partners it’ll be his cost?

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But at the point when you told her to ask her partner, she already had asked him

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:53

EvenMoreCrisps · 18/08/2025 10:45

This.
If he really wants to pay for cousins to attend they can all sit at a cousin table. No need to do any for their girl/boyfriends/spouses to also attend.

They have no relationship with your fiancé, so it's polite to decline an obligation invite. Not sure why he's wasting days and money attending these strangers weddings.

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Neither do I.

I have got to that stage of my life where if I dont want to do something, I wont, even if it will annoy somebody else.

DP is only going to keep his mum quiet - if she didnt have input, making him feel bad "oh you NEED to go", then he wouldnt have bothered going. Its quite far away from our house (2.5 hours and costing quite a lot to stay up there).

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EvenMoreCrisps · 18/08/2025 10:45

ThejoyofNC · 18/08/2025 08:46

They have set the precedent. You're just following their lead.

To be honest, I don't understand why your fiance is accepting these invitations at all? He should be declining them.

This.
If he really wants to pay for cousins to attend they can all sit at a cousin table. No need to do any for their girl/boyfriends/spouses to also attend.

They have no relationship with your fiancé, so it's polite to decline an obligation invite. Not sure why he's wasting days and money attending these strangers weddings.

RosesAndHellebores · 18/08/2025 10:42

I never understand this sort of mentality. A cousin of DH's wrote with the invitation and said she could invite the cousins who were most important to her due to budgetary constraints. We got an evening invitation. They and all the xousins were invited to our wedding. It was nice to know we were lower tier family.

Very sadly the husband died leaving her with small children. There was a fundraising page opened on FBook to help her with her mortgage. The work friends had long scarpered. Funny how we were regarded as an important enough tier to contribute. Just as we had been important enough to receive the gift lost and notifications of births, presumably for presents rather than to welcome a new addition to the more important part of the family.

When the chips are down, it's family who help.

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:42

Lampshadeblue · 18/08/2025 10:40

I think in general partners should be invited, but as you’ve never even met them, in this case I don’t think they need to be invited to your wedding. I think it’s odd being introduced to people for the first time at your own wedding! (Unless there has been a reason for not meeting sooner, such as they live abroad or something?) x

No, in the same country, most are about 1.5 hours away. DPs extended family just dont meet very often.

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Lampshadeblue · 18/08/2025 10:40

I think in general partners should be invited, but as you’ve never even met them, in this case I don’t think they need to be invited to your wedding. I think it’s odd being introduced to people for the first time at your own wedding! (Unless there has been a reason for not meeting sooner, such as they live abroad or something?) x

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:39

kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:36

I don’t understand, as you said you wanted to save on costs? Does your DH want to spend more than you do?

eta: sorry, cross posted your last reply

Edited

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Yes, we want to save costs, hence a mid week wedding and initially agreeing to a 50 person wedding.

We can afford more, but would rather save more into a pot to buy our forever home instead.

We CAN technically afford more guests, but it will mean less money set aside for the house deposit budget. Which is more important to me than adding on guests to my wedding that neither of us really know.

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kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:36

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:31

Well, we budgeted for a certain amount of guests. We still can afford more, but it means that the budget is getting higher and also the guest list keeps growing higher and higher.

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I don’t understand, as you said you wanted to save on costs? Does your DH want to spend more than you do?

eta: sorry, cross posted your last reply

Original poster

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 10:36

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 18/08/2025 10:31

We had a strict limit of 60 for our wedding. We split the numbers down the middle so DH could invite 30 of “his” people and I could invite 30 of “my” people?
Could you do something like this? Then whoever DH chooses to invite or not invite is up to him and you neither have to pay extra to cover people you don’t want, nor would you have to bump some of your own friends and family to fit them in.

To be honest, I wouldnt even want 30 of my people at my wedding. I only have around 20 people, and 3 of those are children.

We did have around 50 people in mind and the 5 additional spaces I didnt mind him taking, but now its creeping to around 60 guests if not a bit more.

I have a son whos ND and easily overwhelmed and DP has a brother who is severely ND and easily overwhelmed so this formed part of our decision to have a smaller affair in the first place.

Think I am just going to need to stick to 55 max and he is just going to have to work with the split number he has and work out who he wants.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 18/08/2025 10:36

I wouldn’t invite them. Invite friends from your side instead.Presumably they dont expect invitations when you weren’t invited to theirs. If they do they are CFs as well as tight..

kleverklogs · 18/08/2025 10:33

spoonbillstretford · 18/08/2025 10:07

I would invite them both all day or not at all. One half of partnership all day and one in the evening is so weird and poor etiquette.

Small wedding, you get half the guests for bride and half for the groom, and yes there have to be some tough decisions, so it's definitely fine not to invite them full stop.

Or she could invite the cousins evening only (not just the partners, the full couple evening only. no cousins at the ceremony and reception)