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Original poster

Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

115 replies

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:06

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year.

This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has.

Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years).

Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs?

We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down.

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner).

Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

OP posts:
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Original poster
ellie09 · 22/09/2025 17:00

Ellie1015 · 22/09/2025 14:32

I wouldnt clarify as I wouldn't want to bother bride and groom, appear as though hinting for additional invites or accidentally turn up with extra people. I would just take whoever I 100% knew was invited.

Sounds like MIL does want you there now she know you are invited, agree not practical to take pets 2 hour drive to kennel/cattery though.

Yes, it would be a complete nightmare. No room in one car for all pets so would need to drive separately which would equal double the fuel cost, money for keeping pets in, new outfit cost, money for drinks and accomodation, plus I would need to swap days with child's dad for visitation which is always a nightmare.

We hadn't budgeted for a wedding to attend, so I wouldn't have the money for it anyhow now, with saving for my own wedding and a house concurrently (and Christmas - yikes!)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/09/2025 14:34

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:12

Ask your partner what he wants to do.

In the OP:

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasn't invited to as his partner).

Ellie1015 · 22/09/2025 14:32

I wouldnt clarify as I wouldn't want to bother bride and groom, appear as though hinting for additional invites or accidentally turn up with extra people. I would just take whoever I 100% knew was invited.

Sounds like MIL does want you there now she know you are invited, agree not practical to take pets 2 hour drive to kennel/cattery though.

Original poster
ellie09 · 22/09/2025 13:50

Ellie1015 · 22/09/2025 13:35

Daft that the invite would be so unclear! Completely understand why MIL erred on side of caution and assumed immediate family. Disappointing you cant make it though and now feel obliged to invite more guests but I do think it is the right thing to do.

I had seen the invite and the invite just said "name of mum and family", so it didnt have any specifics. However, my first thought in receiving an invite so vague would be to reach out to specify which members are actually invited. I think its possibly as I have been to more weddings and previously married myself, so I know a bit more wedding etiquette etc.

DP is going down the morning of the wedding, and MIL wants him to go down with them the night before. He doesn't want to, as he wants to stay home with me that night, which has caused another argument between DP and his mum.

MIL trying to come up with ridiculous suggestions so I can go - bring the pets with us to a kennels/cattery over 2 hours away or leaving our pets with a neighbour (we aren't particularly friendly with our neighbours or in a nice neighbourhood)

Its probably a good job I am not going, if I am being honest just so I can avoid whichever argument comes up next!

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 22/09/2025 13:35

Daft that the invite would be so unclear! Completely understand why MIL erred on side of caution and assumed immediate family. Disappointing you cant make it though and now feel obliged to invite more guests but I do think it is the right thing to do.

Original poster
ellie09 · 21/09/2025 09:48

BuckChuckets · 20/09/2025 23:47

Does your future MIL have an issue with you? I agree that he should have raised this with the couple(s) getting married from the start!

Not that I am aware of - she has always made me feel welcome, is friendly etc when I visit.

I think its a lesson learned for DP not to depend on his mum for important information or messages

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 20/09/2025 23:47

Does your future MIL have an issue with you? I agree that he should have raised this with the couple(s) getting married from the start!

Original poster
ellie09 · 20/09/2025 20:32

Just an update

It transpires that ai was actually invited. Official invitations were sent a few weeks back, but before that MIL to be thought "family" invite was family members only and not me.

Long story short, I can't go to the wedding anyhow, with short notice for me and DP getting affordable accomodation for the night (MIL to be only budgeted family, so theres no room for me in whats currently booked) and pets at home that cant be minded etc. So, I am staying home for the night, and DP is going with his family.

We now have to revise our invite list to include them as its been a miscommunication between family members.

I am livid. I said to DP that all this non-communication is crazy and that it should have been asked outright from the start.

It could have been a good opportunity for me to meet the wider family - but thats now not going to happen.

OP posts:
PrincessofWells · 09/09/2025 17:28

Personally I wouldn't invite any of them and I'd elope.

Longingdreamer · 09/09/2025 17:22

Etiquette is to invite partners if they are married. This would mean you would be invited to future weddings, and you should invited cousin's spouses.

SquirrelChaser · 09/09/2025 17:19

I'm on the fence. It's your wedding. You invite who you want. However, if people are having to travel any distance, the cousins might not want to make that journey alone, leaving their partner at home. If you are having an evening reception (in addition to the traditional wedding 'breakfast'), then a compromise might be to invite cousins and spouses (or partners if not married) to that as generally evening events are not sit-down meals with expensive catering.

toomuchfaff · 18/08/2025 15:10

BIossomtoes · 18/08/2025 13:31

He hasn’t got a wife.

Show quote history

If you re-read, you'll see WIFE TO BE. Admittedly its not wife-to-be, but the words are there.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 14:40

I have had a chat with DP over our lunch break, so we can figure out the best way forward.

We have basically agreed on a set number - 55 max and that cousins partners who me and DP do not know well will not be invited to the day reception but we will extend the invite for the night reception to their respective partners.

I had told him that it will just be easier with all cousins only, as they can sit at one table. That keeping the numbers down at our ideal budget will help with ASD child and ASD brother (who struggle in busy environments) and also raised the point that his cousins had set the standard for wedding invites and there is absolutely no shame in following suit, especially when we want a smaller, mid week wedding.

He has basically agreed to all of this.

I used the analogy too, on would he rather a good friend he speaks to every day has a space, or give this up for someone he barely knows, who didnt consider his partner either.

Glad we are on the same page now.

Thanks all

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 18/08/2025 13:47

Lotsofthings · 18/08/2025 12:02

It seems to me the sensible compromise is for cousins and partners to be invited to the evening only, then you get a smaller cheaper more intimate day, and the whole family together later.

Yes, cousins and partners evening only. If they are local, that's fine, is a decent compromise and is better than you got! I would be pointing that out any time anyone raised an objection.

hotterthanthedesert · 18/08/2025 13:42

Marriage is about compromise. How you solve this between you, will set the foundation for your marriage.

mondaytosunday · 18/08/2025 13:35

Why is he inviting cousins at all if he doesn’t see them? I think if someone is married or has a long term partner you invite both. But if he doesn’t see them he shouldn’t feel obliged to invite them just because he was invited to theirs.

BIossomtoes · 18/08/2025 13:31

toomuchfaff · 18/08/2025 12:31

He doesn't have to go... he could take the line that if his wife to be isnt on the invite, he isnt going (not a threat, a boundary).

It's an invite not a summons.

Show quote history

He hasn’t got a wife.

Derbee · 18/08/2025 12:38

Your DP is offended that you’re not invited, but still goes because mummy tells him to? He wants to invite people who don’t care a jot about you to your wedding, because mummy will be cross and he’ll look rude.

I think he should grow a pair, you should have immediate family only, perhaps with cousins and partners for the evening if you BOTH decide you want them there. Anyone with a problem with that doesn’t need to come.

A small wedding with parents, siblings, children, and close friends in the day. Then decide if you add anyone in the evening.

Your DP being excited about his first wedding isn’t an excuse for his family to dominate your wedding preferences. It’s about you and him. Not his cousins, not his mum.

toomuchfaff · 18/08/2025 12:31

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:24

Because fiance is going to the weddings, so even I think its a bit rude to exclude the cousins from ours in that case - but I think we shouldn't feel bad about excluding partners as they have done so with theirs.

The next one he's going to is 2.5 hours away and he has to stay up for the night with his family as its too far to come home that night (which will mean me looking after all our pets, two cats and a dog plus get son off to school and work that day from home).

Show quote history

He doesn't have to go... he could take the line that if his wife to be isnt on the invite, he isnt going (not a threat, a boundary).

It's an invite not a summons.

taxidriver · 18/08/2025 12:28

were you the only partner of a cousin not invited?
because you werent married?

or were none of the partners invited?

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 18/08/2025 12:24

Don’t invite the partners . It will look like virtue signalling. They think that not inviting partners is practical and inoffensive. It’s not rude to do likewise.

taxidriver · 18/08/2025 12:11

married or not shouldnt make a difference, some couples never marry, does that mean one of them gets left off the invitation.
but obviously you do what you prefer, i guess if you are not that close and they are friends rather than family, any partner does not need to come.

Wadadli · 18/08/2025 12:05

GreyPearlSatin · 18/08/2025 08:51

You can both be the bigger person as well as keep the cost down. Just match their energy. Congratulate them by card or something, but only invite the people to your wedding you really want there.

I take it you and your fiance have a fixed number of guests your budget allows? Just split the number down the middle. Each of you get that number to invite people. If your fiance wants to invite more people, he pays for all added costs.

Edited

Spot on. Any other solution is unfair to you, OP 💐

Lotsofthings · 18/08/2025 12:02

It seems to me the sensible compromise is for cousins and partners to be invited to the evening only, then you get a smaller cheaper more intimate day, and the whole family together later.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 11:43

OopsNoHoliday · 18/08/2025 11:28

For a small wedding where your “side” of the guest list is smaller and costs are shared, I think it’s reasonable to say to DH that you don’t want to pay for the +1s.

Tell him if that’s an issue for his family then his family should fund the extra chairs.

Its a lose lose situation anyway when savings are going into a shared account for wedding and house, so if he even ends up paying for his addition guests, then its just less money in savings account for the house.

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