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Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 18/08/2025 01:35

Is his house tidy?

the only reason I ask is my DH is an absolutely fantastic guy, extremely tidy, lived on his own for a while and well versed in domestic life, he does more cleaning, cooking and laundry etc than any guy I know, the house is very much shared responsibility, I never have to ask him to do things let alone have to nag, and there is nothing he won't get involved in.. but his standards of 'clean' are quite frankly terrible, for instance I don't think he's ever cleaned a skirting board in his life, he's 100% a 'surface' cleaner, wipes around things instead of moving them etc.. 10 years on and we make an extremely good team, except I have to do the "proper" cleaning or it wouldn't get done, the house was thick in dust in places and it's like he doesn't even 'see' it or care that it is like that.

I accept that it is just the difference in standards and have never set out to change him, I don't have show home standards and am way more messy than he is, but if he wasn't as good domestically as he is I would not tolerate being the only one doing the proper cleaning, it's only fine because our distribution of chores is even.

In some ways it's a good thing you've seen it, he is showing you exactly who he is, it's up to you if you can tolerate it. The thing that would be concerned me most is the dog shit, we've got dogs and it's just disrespectful to leave all that lying around, stinking out the place, unless it was a couple of fresh piles it is grim to leave it lying around for neighbours to smell, guests to look at etc and dogs to trample in and potentially trample indoors.

And the fact that he didn't even clean the toilet of shit stains means he may be too far gone for things to work out, just remember, he will never change, it's you that has to accept it or not.

hereismydog · 18/08/2025 01:33

🤮🤮🤮🤮

I can just imagine he’s got wafer-thin, yellowed pillows too. Raise the bar, OP, this man is foul!

SumUp · 18/08/2025 01:31

Oh gosh, I’m fairly unfussy about mess but that sounds gross.

I would be direct with him and tell him you’re ending it due to his low hygiene standards.

Lalgarh · 18/08/2025 01:24

Might be a starting point if he wants help

https://www.apdo.co.uk/find-an-organiser.html

namechangealerttt · 18/08/2025 01:18

We are always told 'there is someone out there for everyone', I don't believe that's true. I don't think some people are fit for the dating pool, everyone deserves love, but not necessarily in the way our society has led us to understand romantic relationships.
He has shit he needs to sort out first. I am neurodivergent and struggle with cleaning and tidying so I have genuine empathy for this guy, but I wouldn't expect others to tolerate that.
Certain things could make this work, but you regularly staying at his house is not one of them. it could work if it was

  • a 'part time hours' relationship, he stays at yours one night a week so his dogs aren't neglected
  • He accepts he can't do this on his own, if he has the means pays a professional, and allows others that care about him to help him, refusing help is a big issue
  • He finds someone equally as blind to the filth as him
  • In addition, if he can't adequately care for animals and himself he shouldn't have animals
If he has genuine issues he needs to identify what they are, psychological, executive functioning, etc. and then go on to work on those issues. Till he does this, he really should stay out of the dating pool.
LadyLolaRuben · 18/08/2025 01:10

The poor dogs, being made to live like that.

I don't believe the dogs happen to be peeing in the bathroom more than any other room. Its him! You've seen him at his best - run!

Lalgarh · 18/08/2025 01:09

PiggyPigalle · 18/08/2025 01:04

Could you employ a cleaner? The whole purpose of disablement benefits is to make your life easier, a cleaner surely would.

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I'm a Horrendous Slattern, but I'd be freaked out by that. And it's not her that needs the cleaner.

Yes a deep clean is needed. But he absolutely needs to shell out for it. Otherwise he might be hoping you do it out of horror/ kindness, he'll call you and Angel and might even propose, and he'll do it All Over Again.

Itiswhysofew · 18/08/2025 01:09

You actually stayed😝

I've got one dog and 3 cats in my home & it's not filthy like his. There's no way he can't manage to keep his clean & tidy. He's making excuses cos he can't be bothered, which is not a good sign.

Tell him he needs to hire a cleaning company to do a very deep clean.

I couldn't continue, knowing he's a lazy arse when it comes to keeping his home clean.

How's his personal hygiene? I can't imagine the state of his bathroom.

SnowFrogJelly · 18/08/2025 01:07

You can’t seriously want to continue a relationship with someone who has a house like that! Especially the toilet yum

TomatoSandwiches · 18/08/2025 01:07

You and the dogs actually deserve better than this, he has made a choice to live like a disgusting slob, he made no real effort at all, he probably just meant he picked up the rubbish lying around.
He thinks it's fine to leave shitty marks in his toilet for you to look at..... how romantic.

Stop rewarding filthy fuckers like this with sex or relationships, they don't deserve it.

MoonWoman69 · 18/08/2025 01:06

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 18/08/2025 00:14

Nice try at blaming the woman but she's been gone since the beginning of the year. That filth is his and his alone.

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Oh come off it! Nobodies toilet gets that filthy that quick! Nor does the smell of dog piss appear that strong unless its been going on a while! Nor do floors get to that state in that time frame. That's built up from not being cleaned. So yes, she has to have been responsible too. He hasn't got his act together since she left and actively done something about it!
I'm stating the bleeding obvious, not woman shaming! 🙄

PiggyPigalle · 18/08/2025 01:04

glittercunt · 17/08/2025 23:05

I massively ignored the red flags and am living with a man who was happy in a place as bad as you describe. I'm disabled and can't perform the cleaning tasks necessary... And he apparently can't compute when something needs doing.

Could you employ a cleaner? The whole purpose of disablement benefits is to make your life easier, a cleaner surely would.

CanOfMangoTango · 18/08/2025 01:02

I feel itchy and dirty just reading your description OP.

There's no excuse for a functioning adult to live in a house in that state.

Which means this is how he chooses to live.

If you enter a serious relationship with him you will be entirely responsible for cleaning, tidying and hygiene in the house.

You need to get rid.

Bowies · 18/08/2025 01:00

He should’ve made sure the toilet was clean as a minimum.

How does he plan to tackle it? He probably needs to get some professional support,

I suppose it’s up to you but I think you need to tell him you can’t be at his house until it’s sorted.

Original poster
merrygoroundsss · 18/08/2025 00:57

Thanks for all your comments. I'm still working my way through them.

I actually managed to stay after having quite a lot to drink! We went to the pub and by the time we got back home, I was pretty tipsy which definitely made it easier. I left early this morning.

I'm not sure who asked this, but I’m guessing the urine smell in the bathroom is from the dogs. I don’t think it’s from him. The landing between the bathroom and bedrooms also has the same smell and I doubt he’s pissing in the hallway (you never know though I suppose). The dogs have free reign and go wherever they want.

OP posts:
MyDadWasAnArse · 18/08/2025 00:53

Kisskiss · 18/08/2025 00:10

Could this be sorted by him hiring a cleaner? ( and maybe one deep clean service to start)

The thing is he's a scruff by nature. The house will be minty again in no time as he seems too lazy to keep it up.

MissSophiaGrace · 18/08/2025 00:53

I cannot believe that you stayed long enough to need to use the toilet. I wouldn't have even sat down, removed my shoes or had a brew. I presume he has a gold plated cock! 🪙 🍆

MummyMIH · 18/08/2025 00:53

Vile! I felt sick just reading that.
Complete turn off, I couldn’t stay in that hovel or have him & his filthy dog hair feet anywhere near me.

LoztWorld · 18/08/2025 00:52

Oh god no. Even just having had 9 dogs at one point should have been enough of a red flag tbh. Thats such a chaotic, squalid way to live, unless you have some huge country house and staff to help or something

outerspacepotato · 18/08/2025 00:46

If anything is a deal breaker, it's living in filth and pee stench and a shit stained toilet.

Run. Do not clean, just stay far away. There's deep issues there.

Lucy2586 · 18/08/2025 00:37

Mrsbloggz · 18/08/2025 00:32

I can only think that those who choose to live like this are not too fussed either way about being in a relationship?

Personally I do not think they should even try to be in relationship. I am not OCD but my house is really clean. To me if someone can live in filth there is no compatibility there at all. They need to find their own waynetta slob

LeftieRightsHoarder · 18/08/2025 00:37

BMW6 · 17/08/2025 23:05

Good grief OP, I definitely DONT have any tendency to OCD and I adore dogs, but his situation is way, WAY out of control. He isn't even trying.

Run. Run very very fast. Don't be that fool.

Same here. And this is the ‘honeymoon period’, when he’s showing his best side!

myfitbitisfucked · 18/08/2025 00:33

manicpixieschemegirl · 18/08/2025 00:26

This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read. Not only is he filthy, he decided the only effort you were worth going to was to give his unhoovered floors a once over with the piss mop of doom. He thinks it’s perfectly acceptable for you to use a shit stained toilet and sleep in dirty sheets and you went along with it!

Do not allow yourself to be disrespected further, and get rid. The man is repulsive.

“Piss mop of doom” 🤣

Mrsbloggz · 18/08/2025 00:32

I can only think that those who choose to live like this are not too fussed either way about being in a relationship?

BeautifulDayFor · 18/08/2025 00:29

I'm a scruffy creature, my house gets in a state because I struggle to organise and prioritise. But even a slob like me would make sure the essentials were clean for a guest - at the absolute bare minimum a clean toilet and clean food prep surfaces. (Although I'd do more in reality). The fact that he couldn't even be arsed to do that would have me running for the hills.