Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
Applesonthelawn · 18/08/2025 06:13

That's an absolute no go area. He'll never be any different. He's too far gone. Not for you to figure out why and if you tried, you'd end up hating himself and yourself probably too. Just no.

chatgptsbestmate · 18/08/2025 06:07

Dear christ. This is grim. He has zero respect for you
Run

mildlydispeptic · 18/08/2025 06:02

At the very least he needs to get the toilet sparkling before you come back. He can’t blame that on the dogs.

Graphinette · 18/08/2025 05:57

@merrygoroundsss You need to reframe this in your mind. Instead of thinking the red flag is he is not good at cleaning, you need to see it as him being lazy. This is laziness, pure and simple.

I have been married to a lazy man for 23 years and I am near done. Push came to shove recently as I have had major surgery and he has done absolutely fuck all to help me. As soon as I can drive, I'm getting legal advice.

BarMonaco · 18/08/2025 05:56

I wonder what happened to the other 7 dogs and why they had 9.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 18/08/2025 05:52

Urine smell in the bathroom will be from him not the dogs. Why would it be in the bathroom if it wa from the dogs? It would be everywhere!

It is too grim to comprehend.

He needs to pay for a professional deep clean.

BarbaraHavers · 18/08/2025 05:31

JLou08 · 17/08/2025 23:37

I don't have OCD and this would make my skin crawl. I couldn't cope with it, definitive deal breaker for me. It doesn't put him in a good light, if he can't be arsed to clean shit of the toilet the first time you visit how lazy will he be when you are more serious? How much of a burden would he be if you lived together?

The OP doesn't have OCD either but she trivialise a serious mental health condition by saying that she has 'OCD tendencies' when what she actually means is that she likes a clean and tidy house.

Typicalwave · 18/08/2025 05:27

Nope. Big big nope. Sorry OP - you know you’re not going to be able to cope with that. And no one should have to. He should be putting his best foot forwards - this IS his best foot.

MidnightMusing5 · 18/08/2025 05:23

Black feet?????

Highlighta · 18/08/2025 05:22

Good grief OP, you offered to help him clean.... On your first visit to his pigsty house.

Get out now please.

PigletSanders · 18/08/2025 05:21

SnozPoz · 18/08/2025 04:26

You need to tell him very specifically why you can't stay there. Write it down, write a list of what you find gross. Tell him he needs to pay for professionals to come in to do a deep clean this week... and then he needs to pay for a cleaner to come in at least once a week to maintain it. Tell him that's the minimum he needs to do if the relationship is to continue. And let him know that the toilet is disgusting. He clearly has no concept of what's acceptable. I have a family member like this. They just have a different mindset... it doesn't make them a bad person... but if you want the relationship to progress you won't be able to live like this.

Why on earth do you think she needs to do all that?!

Applefantea · 18/08/2025 05:12

Run like the wind.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 18/08/2025 05:12

MoonWoman69 · 18/08/2025 01:06

Oh come off it! Nobodies toilet gets that filthy that quick! Nor does the smell of dog piss appear that strong unless its been going on a while! Nor do floors get to that state in that time frame. That's built up from not being cleaned. So yes, she has to have been responsible too. He hasn't got his act together since she left and actively done something about it!
I'm stating the bleeding obvious, not woman shaming! 🙄

Show quote history

I wouldn't know how long it takes for a neglected toilet to look filthy and for dog piss to start stinking but I would've thought 6 months including summer would do it. How are you so sure it takes longer?

Marmalade71 · 18/08/2025 04:52

As one of life’s untidy people I was all ready to say you were being unreasonable but, assuming you’re not massively exaggerating, what you’ve described is completely disgusting.
I can understand overwhelm with cleaning but as you say, he’d invited you over and didn’t prioritise making the bathroom spotless?? 🤢
Throw him back I’m afraid

KittyPurrs · 18/08/2025 04:43

Everyone is telling you to just dump this guy - but I get it, you really like him (aside from this one massive issue). Of course, it doesn’t feel clear cut. You must feel so let down and disappointed.

I must admit, the description of his toilet and black, sticky feet made me feel horrified on your behalf. How could he not have made the effort to clean the toilet bowl for your first visit? That job could have been easily achieved. So as others say, I doubt he’s going to change… And I would imagine his personal hygiene must be quite poor too - if he’s getting into bed with filthy feet, does he wash his hands after going to the toilet or before touching food…?

Once you’re past the initial heady phase of new love (and you can’t get tipsy every time you go round!), these issues will really really grate…

Silverbirchleaf · 18/08/2025 04:38

Sounds Awful. If he knew you were coming over, it should be spotless, honeymoon period and all that. Theres clutter and mess, but this house sounds filthy. He won’t change. Sorry, there’s no long term future in this.

Sweetpea333 · 18/08/2025 04:32

Foul. He has zero respect for himself and you. Respect yourself and dump him. Don't be shy about saying why!

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 04:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

TeamBuffalo · 18/08/2025 04:28

I'm sorry, he's a slob, albeit an amiable slob. Can you live with that? And any house with dogs in it will smell of dog, however clean.

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 04:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

RitaAndFrank · 18/08/2025 04:27

Oh op, come on now, this is utterly grim and (pardon the pun) absolutely reeks of desperation. I would have run immediately. Us women are socially conditioned to be pleasers and be nice and tiptoe around not upsetting people, thus enabling shit like this. He hasn’t tried op, he’s a lazy slob and if he’s like this NOW then goodness knows what he’ll be like once he’s well and truly got his filthy black feet under the table. You’ll be clearing up after him for the rest of your life. Fuck that.

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 04:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

JustMyView13 · 18/08/2025 04:26

This is a new relationship.
He’s showing you the best version of himself. This is as good as it gets.

SnozPoz · 18/08/2025 04:26

You need to tell him very specifically why you can't stay there. Write it down, write a list of what you find gross. Tell him he needs to pay for professionals to come in to do a deep clean this week... and then he needs to pay for a cleaner to come in at least once a week to maintain it. Tell him that's the minimum he needs to do if the relationship is to continue. And let him know that the toilet is disgusting. He clearly has no concept of what's acceptable. I have a family member like this. They just have a different mindset... it doesn't make them a bad person... but if you want the relationship to progress you won't be able to live like this.

nutella8 · 18/08/2025 04:15

Don’t waste your time and energy, it’s a red flag get out while you’re not emotionally involved.