Dementia and driving dc

My dad was told at diagnosis to hand back his driving license. No way would I have wanted him to drive my dc around. YANBU

The DVLA presumably had some kind of information in order to say that she was fit to drive?

Does your Dh or you know what reports they requested and did you see any letters from the dvla? Do any doctors know that she can’t read road signs?

FIL once out of the blue insisted that MIL drive Dh, me and ds to a local outing, I was not happy as I knew she had a dementia diagnosis and was very surprised as in ten years I’d never known MIL to drive when FIL was available, but like a fool went along with it. It wasn’t a terrible experience but I wasn’t convinced she could really concentrate and there was some wavering back and forth. Afterwards FIL asked me if I thought she should be driving - he used that drive as a test, without telling me what he was doing and he put ds in danger. I told Dh that whatever happened ds was never being driven by her again. I can’t really believe I didn’t stand up for ds and myself then. You’re doing the right thing.

Get in touch with the local taxi company -get that set up -does she get attendance allowance e that could be her ‘taxi’ money

I wouldn’t allow it either. Tbh I’d be concerned about just her being behind the wheel but children are distracting, they chat, sing, shout, bicker. If she gets easily confused can see why dc might cause a distraction. I strongly suspect children distracting parents causes lots of parking accidents.

People with dementia and their immediate family are often incredibly stubborn about insisting upon driving because it continues to give the sufferer what they view as independence. In my (personal, current) experience of this, it is purely so that it reduces some of the burden on partners and children if they’re able to do things like get themselves to the shops. Here, your dh is refusing to accept the risks of continuing to encourage this. He’d rather have his mum feel independent and have her help with the children. It’s so selfish and stupid because it not only puts your children at risk but also other road users. People with dementia who are disorientated, can’t drive at night, can’t follow road signs etc are a real danger - it’s how we get cases of elderly people driving against the traffic on slip roads and carriage ways. YANBU at all.

Dementia can be stable and then decline swiftly. It's not a linear decline in skills. It's often sudden

Your dh is going to have to step up and be her advocate in difficult times. That doesn't mean hoping for the best because the thought of it makes him sad.

My own parent, with advanced dementia lives with me. Stopping them driving was one of the easier things we've had to face. Buck up, in the nicest possible way. Things will get worse. You'll need to take steps to make them less than the worst possible thing you can imagine. Because, that can happen.

I'm very sorry and I hope that you still see glimpses of the person you love. My parent is still them, just, them with dementia. My other parent? In the early stages of it as well. I do get it.

Likewise with my dad, I had LPA, sold the car and sent his driving licence back, job done!

Having cared for my dad through dementia from start to finish (approx 7 years) I firmly believe no one with a dementia diagnosis should be allowed to carry on driving.

I’m with you. But I think if she can’t understand road signs she shouldn’t be on the road - what if there is a diversion or the road layout is changed on her route or she takes a wrong turn and needs to find her way back on unfamiliar roads? It will be a difficult conversation to have but it’s for the safety of her and other people on the road

When this happened with my mum we took her keys off her at first, then sold her car. No regrets. There was no way she was safe, she a total danger to herself and others and I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t done something. She was very angry at first but forgot pretty quickly she had even had a car.

It’s not really though is it.

He would put them at risk of death rather than upset his mum. Otherwise, what exactly is the debate?

Other people too, because it’s obvious to everyone else that if she can’t understand road signs, drive at night, and only take specific routes, then she isn’t safe to be driving at all.

You have a handhold from me, must be awful knowing you’ve got this conflict, but thank goodness you’ve been strong enough to insist on it, you are protecting your kids x

If she has been formally diagnosed then why hasn’t her GP referred her for a driving assessment which will automatically revoke her licence and stop her driving there and then.
I would contact her GP about this asap!

So your DH wants to sacrifice your DC to let mil prove she's still well and capable !!

She should not be driving. Full stop. Not at all... Not 'see how it goes' or 'think about it' or 'do it soon' or whatever.

If you don't want your DC in the carvwith her, why would you accept other dc crossing the road near her?

I get it's hard. But if you'd not step onto a zebra crossing if she were driving toward UT, then....

What? She can’t understand road signs? Do DVLA know this?

I’m sorrry but she shouldn’t be driving. There is no way I’d allow my dc with her, what on earth is your dh thinking. I think you should report her to dvla.

Write to her GP and also inform the DVLA. And obviously don't allow your children in the car with her.

Why is your dh happy to place your dc at risk?

No way would my children go in a car with someone with known dementia, so YANBU. Quite honestly my children’s lives would come way ahead of any hurt feelings of MIL/DH and I would definitely report her to DVLA. I can’t believe they would allow her to drive when she can’t understand road signs, that’s a basic part of driving!

If she doesn’t understand road signs you need to urgently contact dvla - dementia changes, sometimes rapidly and the driving authorities rely on family and friends to report these as the typical 3 year licence renewal cycle is too long. If she’s not safe to drive your dc she isn’t safe to be on the road

You should anonymously report her to the DVLA as she is a danger to others if you think she is unsafe.