AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

Same, I know it sounds horrible but I resent my parents for choosing to have me when they knew my life would be massively affected, but their want for another child overrode any concern for that. People have said to me over the years ah but arent you glad youre here now, well yes but I wouldnt have known any different had I not been born.

It can be done on the NHS and it doesn't need to be inherited.

I think you'd be mad.

Not a chance in hell would I bring a second child into the situation you describe. I say this as someone who is autistic herself. The chance of having another autistic child is very high but you also need to consider that you may get a child who is more like me than your first child. Absolutely no way would I have coped sharing a house with a severely autistic sibling, it would have been a case that one of us would have had to be permanently rehoused. And how do you choose between your children? An impossible choice, for sure.

I really hope not.

Can you afford genetic testing.

My daughter was diagnosed late at 5, she was not violent and verbal.
She was 6 when DS was born
My DS was diagnosed at 2.
DS had genetic testing at 7.

Turns out neither have direct autism, they've have an inherited genetic disorder, that is a cross over with ASD due to how it presents.

The likelihood DC2 having similar issues is high imo.

I wouldn't have a second child under the circumstances you describe. I was the younger sibling of an autistic child with complex needs and it made for a really horrible childhood, sorry.

I’m so sorry you had to live through that childhood, it’s heartbreaking to think of any child having to be raised in that environment. In such a short paragraph you have been able to encapsulate so well the reality of what life can be like when they are bought up in the shadow of their older sibling. I think this is an issue that isn’t spoken about enough and I hope that it really, really makes other parents think about what impact their decisions can have on a second child where they are knowingly forcing this life on an innocent child who didn’t ask to be born.

That’s why I think it’s such a personal decision. I love both of my children very much.

I’m also aware of my own personal limitations, I wouldn’t be able to cope with a child with high-support needs. My son, at 10, can pretty much take care of himself for the day throughout the summer holidays. I’m able to work from home (with the 2 year old at nursery) and I know he is capable of getting himself dressed, using the toilet, getting a snack or making a sandwich. Having safety awareness such as not opening the door to strangers. I have even started leaving him for 10-15 minutes at a time whilst I pop to the corner shop down the end of the road. I would really struggle if I had a child who couldn’t do these things, or I couldn’t leave independently for a couple of hours during the day whilst working from home, which is the reality for a lot of parents of high support needs autistic children.

I was the second younger NT child in this situation. It was awful for me, my brother and my parents. I am now no contact with all of them because of my upbringing.

My parents will say that they tried their best and from the outside things looked fine - teachers and family would constantly tell me what a good and supportive sister I was. However, that support involved me not telling anyone that I broke my finger playing netball at 14 because my brother had a bad day and I didn’t want to cause them any more problems. I had 100% attendance at school, not because I was never unwell but because I just threw up at school and stole painkillers instead to get through the day. I couldn’t have any problems because my brother had it worse so I learned to cope by staying quiet, discovering self harm and crying alone in my room for years.

On behalf of NT siblings, please reconsider. I know why my brother needed more attention and time in the day is limited, but was just a child and I deserved to be able to tell my parents when I was unwell and needed care. Lots of siblings love and care for the ND sibling, but your child could learn to cope the way I did and if I could chose not to be born then I’d take that option in an instant.

I wouldn’t even consider it personally. I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interests but that’s just my personal opinion!

physical aggression with autism can be extremely difficult to manage once they get bigger/older too - what would your plan be for this as the second child is growing up and potentially be at risk?

Actually i disagree my son is severely autistic and has very high support needs i now have a decent package of respite care that just wouldn't be offered to children with fewer needs

My son is high-functioning autistic. His main symptom is that he struggles with the more complex social nuances. He was always ahead of his milestones and I haven’t had any real struggles in raising him. He is very intelligent, academic and doesn’t need much support, most days, beyond some reminding about social boundaries and appropriateness. He’s 10 and most boys aren’t socially nuanced at this age anyway! Lots of my family members also have his type of ‘autism’ - they are all successful and settled in their own right.

I had another child, she is now 2, and so far doesn’t show symptoms of autism. I had another knowing they might also be autistic, but having raised my son so far, and the fact he has low needs, I knew I could cope.

I think this is one of the issues with autism being so diluted as it has been in recent years, it neglects those with high support needs. Personally I would struggle with a child with high support needs, but only you can know your own threshold.

Well exactly I love both my boys more than life my oldest son is an insulin dependent Diabetic and my youngest is severely autistic, I don't love the autism or the Diabetes, both are very hard conditions to live with.

I think it would be unfair on both children whether or not the second is also autistic.

Firstly, it's a big adjustment for a child who already struggles so much. You would need time to care for a baby when the first also needs 24/7 care.

Second, the younger child would be at risk from injury from aggression from the first and they would also not get the attention and care they'd need because the first already needs so much. There is also a risk of trauma of having to witness violence in the house at a young age.

What a ridiculous thing to say! I have worked in paediatric nursing for 17 years and I have seen so many parents sit crying at the bedside of their chronically unwell child (including complex learning difficulties) and praying that their illness or disability didn’t exist. That isn’t shame or embarrassment, it’s because they love their child and they want their child to have the kind of life that other children get to live.

I have a chronic disability that got diagnosed at 16 and I truly hate it. It may be “part of me” as you like to put it, but it certainly isn’t a good part of me and it ruins my life in so many ways. My life is dictated by my condition, nearly every decision I make has to be made with my health condition at the forefront. It’s robbed me of friends, relationships, my career, my emotional and mental well-being as well as my physical health and it’s robbed me of my freedom. It has taken away the opportunity for me to live where I can just be myself. I will never know what potential I could have had for myself if I didn’t have this condition.

My family hate the fact I have this condition and they hate what it has done to me and my life. They do everything they can to try and support me to live a normal life but they hate what it has done to me.

Does that mean they don’t love me?
Of course not.
It means they want me to be able to live a normal life and they would do anything to take it away from me, but they can’t and it hurts them.

The post you made is so ridiculous and so insensitive and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it was ok to say those things to a mother who has to watch her much loved child struggle and suffer every day.

Sorry op, no way would I have a second child in this scenario. They won’t have the attention they deserve, despite what you said, I couldn’t discount risk of physical danger to them, and it’s quite possible they may be burdened with caring responsibilities later on.

Yes I think it would be unfair.

And understanding professional ,s would not be horrified at a parent not wanting their child to have a disability given a choice.

That's a disgusting thing to say autism can be massively disabling for some people
Some people with autism will never be independent, talk might always be in nappies have a extremely challenging behaviour, the list goes on you can love your child to the ends of the earth
But yes given a choice I would also take away the disability in a heart beat .

I absolutely wouldn't. I have two autisitc children who are able to attend mainstream. But every single bit of support is a fight. Even just in the last couple of years the support available has become just a fraction of what there used to be. We've gone from a TA in every classroom to now they have all been moved to doing 1:1 care for children in the lower years. This is due to lack of room in the special schools for kids with complex needs. Everyone has less support.

Waiting list for autism assessment here has doubled from 2 to 4 years. Our two neighbouring NHS areas have stopped assessments altogether. Adults with complex needs used to get full time care packages but are now only getting part time. Forgetting all the other reasons, you are likely to get far less support if you had a second complex needs child.

Also- when you say you have lifelong care in place for your oldest that is presumably a care package. That can be changed at any time. Definitely not something to rely upon.

I mean this as kindly as possibly, but I would have a serious think about what kind of life you’d be inflicting on a second child.

A newborn whose mother can’t be physically and emotionally present due to the needs of your first child. With the rest of their childhood potentially being the same?

Living in a home where they may be scared for the their safety? A home that is full of stress, anxiety and difficulty?

Being forced into a position where he has to be a young carer to his brother? How can that possibly be avoided when his bother has 24/7 needs? In lots of ways he’ll be drawn into helping you.

Will he have grow up with his own needs always coming second in line to his brother albeit nobody’s fault?

Potentially being a carer when he’s an adult?

Think about the potential emotional damage you may cause a second child having to be bought up in this kind of environment, both short term and long term.

Realistically, how can you provide an enriching and fulfilling life to a second child when your first child is physically aggressive and has 24/7 needs?

How do you envision a second child fitting into your life without there being any kind of detrimental affect to the emotional well-being of either child?

Having two children is hard….the physical and emotional toll it can take is huge, trying to meet both their needs equally and make them feel equally important and equally loved etc, and that’s just in a situation where both children are well and healthy.

I think you need to have a serious think about how you will cope because once baby number 2 is here there is no going back.

I don’t see how having a second child will be fair to the child you currently have, or fair to the child you will be bringing into your home environment and the kind of life they will have no option but to be part of and the impact it will have on them for all of their life.

This seems like the potential for disaster and not a safe home to bring a baby live at all.

what if baby is asleep and you got to the toilet and DC1 wanders in? How will you safe guard both you end up doing childcare alone.

what does your partner/ other parent think?

Think about the stress for the new baby!!

I have DS1 autistic but we didn't know that when DS2 was born. It's sometimes very hard for the brother with the meltdowns and the rigidity and DS1 is not severely autistic !!! Don't be selfish.

Read your last sentence out loud.

Please do not bring a baby in to this!!!!