Only us and 2 friends at our upcoming secret wedding

Only you and your DP know whether your children will be upset or not. Do they all get on or are there some issues when they are all together which is why they aren't your automatic choice to attend?

How would you feel if any of them decided not to invite you and your DH to their weddings?

You have said that you feel that you are letting your kids down, but you haven't really explained why you would choose a couple of friends to attend, rather than your own children.

I also agree that you should ask your children rather than your friends. I think you might really hurt their feelings if you actively exclude them. I get your thinking on this - it's just a legality and not 'important' regarding how you and dp feel about each other, but it's likely to feel significant to your children.
I'd make a fabulous day of it with my kids - dress up, lovely meal afterwards, go away for the weekend just you and new dh. It doesn't have to cost a fortune but it is something that's worth marking.

That's not the same as you know!

As everyone will say your wedding your choice. But why choose friends over your children? And as much as they may say they're ok with this when they find out, I would be deeply hurt but not say anything

My mum step-dad did this a couple of years ago after being together for over 30 years. They told us in advance however and hired a room in a pub for about a month afterwards. Between them there are 4 DC, all with partners and children of their own. If we'd been invited it would not have been a small wedding. We would have been upset if they'd done it without telling us beforehand though

I think it’s absolutely fine if that’s what you want but you definitely need to include the children. My parents told me when I got home from school that they’d got married. I was very upset. It’s not a nice thing to do.

I think it’s absolutely fine if that’s what you want but you definitely need to include the children. My parents told me when I got home from school that they’d got married. I was very upset. It’s not a nice thing to do.

Its not exactly the same thing at all because you know about and therefore your parents have had a conversation with you about it. Its not being sprung on you as a done deal.

It sounds lovely. I had friends who did this and their (collective) 4 kids were absolutely fine about it when they were told a few months later. It is just a different dynamic with good friends, and probably more relaxed. Do it!

I know you’ve made your choice for witnesses but maybe you should add in your three children. Everyone else is surplus.

We were in exactly the same position and decided on a civil partnership to take care of the legalities. We told no one , not our children (who were younger than yours ie teenagers), not our parents, nor siblings. We asked two friends to be our witnesses and had no other guests. It was a few years ago and we still haven’t told anyone, so no one is upset at having missed out on anything. It was how we wanted to do it and it’s worked out fine. Just remember to write a new will afterwards.

But you know about it, so that's very different.

We were very young. Our parents knew we were getting married (my dad had to sign to give permission!) but we went to the registry office with four friends. That was it. We just wanted to be married.

Interestingly my parents are doing exactly this in the autumn (though did have heads up from my mum). Doesn't bother me; I'm delighted they are finally getting married and want them to do it in the way they want. It's your ceremony, you do your own thing!

Congratulations!

If you are happy to exclude your children, you will be telling them what your idea of a family is.

https://www.britannica.com/topic/family-kinship Note the use of the word “united”.

If you go ahead with this plan, you will be making a very particular bed. If you are later expected to lie in it (and I include your partner here), put up and shut up about it.

Sorry, do I understand that at present, of something were to happen to you, your children will inherit. But soon you will be married and so your husband (not DD's father, but is DS's father) will inherit?

Cool, cool, cool. Congratulations on your pending nuptials and I hope you have a lovely wedding.

I think you'll hurt your children inviting friends but not them.

Quite honestly, I think its awful that you are prioritising friends over children. I would be very hurt if I discovered my parents not only didn't want me there, but thought that it was more important that other people were. I think you're making a big mistake.

My friends mum did this when we were in our 20s she was hurt.

My mum and my (now) stepdad did this last year (I’d already considered him my dad for decades anyway) and they had just us “kids” there.

No wider family came, they all knew but it wasn’t a big thing that anyone was offended by because it was literally immediate family. If my mum had got married and kept it secret though I’d have been hurt, not that I wasn’t there (they chatted about eloping and me and my stepbrothers were equally happy whatever they did!) but I’d have been upset if they’d kept it secret.

My husband and I did this last year with only my 2 teenagers from a previous relationship there, along with random office workers at the registry office as our witnesses. I’m all in favour of lowkey, just buggering off and getting on with it but I personally would have never done it without my kids there. As my husband said, legally and officially it was us 2 getting married but he also saw it as we were now all joined together including my older kids (and I was pregnant with our first joint baby at the time).

Normally I'm all for eloping but I think your kids (and possibly mum) would feel disappointed about the lack of invite. Is there a way of including them too - with the strict instruction that there's nobody else invited etc etc?

I'm glad you've no regrets.

I'm just putting forward the experience of my DP and SIL's and BIL's. Every family dynamic is different

It's your wedding, you do it how you want to.
I personally would have the kids as witnesses and noone else but there's nothing wrong doing it your way

My mum and dad got married with Jody my dad's gran and my mum's friend there. They had a burger at wimpeye after!

We did similar. But we told parents a week before and they came to the registry office.
They were disappointed to not get a proper wedding but not as much as if we'd not told them.
However we were young and single. If you've both done it before it's different.
I'd still tell the kids though. Just a day or two before.