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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hobby tainted

488 replies

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:20

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 17/08/2025 17:20

@TheArtfulNavyDreamer 😂😂

Hobby tainted
musicinme · 17/08/2025 17:20

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:31

DC are 16 and 19.

for the “exchange” confusion, imagine it happening at a hobby fair sort of thing, like swapping Pokémon cards! Hope that takes the weirdness off!

It honestly felt like being in the playground again, but being at the mercy of my own family rather than the big kids!

My family are like this about my hobby. In fact they usually groan when I talk about it. Always the object of fun for everyone. But I love it and take absolutely no notice. If ever they go too far (or more likely I am feeling particularly sensitive about it) I tell them seriously how important it is so me and have been doing it long before I had children or even met my husband. And them they shut up. And even buy me the equivalent of "your trains" for Christmas!

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/08/2025 17:20

So the hobby is fishkeeping.

How do you pick it up and drop it? Are there months when the fish just swim around happily, then other months when you’re changing the tank, going to fairs, stuff like that?

Do they die because you’re neglectful? Do you sell them?

What does the two hour sessions involve? Taking over the dining table?

I need these answers.

My general thoughts are you enjoy your hobbies as much or as little as you want to, and whenever you want to. But why do your family respond like this?

Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 17:19

Flamingoknees · 17/08/2025 17:17

What hapoens to your fish when you lose interest?

I’ve given some away on eBay and Gumtree, I take them to my local fish shop who will often donate something in return… there’s quite a community out there

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 17:18

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 17:11

How do you swap a Fish?!

Show quote history

I take them back to the local fish shop; they happily take them and will sometimes offer pest snails in return (for the carnivorous beaked fish).
it’s brilliant!

OP posts:
Flamingoknees · 17/08/2025 17:17

What hapoens to your fish when you lose interest?

Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 17:15

OooPourUsACupLove · 17/08/2025 17:12

Ah I remember that wonderful thead about an annoying man at someone's hobby group, and the harpies yowled and yowled about not being told what the hobby was and how it couldn't be that unusual and the OP was just being precious... and it turned out to be a group dedicated to playing the work of one specific Baroque composer on period correct instruments. The harpies grudgingly admitted that ok yes, this one time, that was probably outing.

I really hope the OP's hobby is something like that.

I replayed to a message saying what it was about 45 minutes ago 🤣

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 17/08/2025 17:14

I pick up, drop, and pick up again a range of hobbies but I can’t figure out how you pick up and drop fishkeeping?

I keep a cat and I can’t really ignore her for months at a time like I do with my guitar.

OooPourUsACupLove · 17/08/2025 17:12

Ah I remember that wonderful thead about an annoying man at someone's hobby group, and the harpies yowled and yowled about not being told what the hobby was and how it couldn't be that unusual and the OP was just being precious... and it turned out to be a group dedicated to playing the work of one specific Baroque composer on period correct instruments. The harpies grudgingly admitted that ok yes, this one time, that was probably outing.

I really hope the OP's hobby is something like that.

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 17/08/2025 17:12

I used to knit. Now I think my hobby is mostly collecting pretty balls of wool that I may one day use. Was their mocking along those lines? Was it fair or unfair? Does it matter what they think?

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 17:11

godmum56 · 17/08/2025 16:40

do you let the fish die when you lose interest?

Show quote history

How do you swap a Fish?!

MrTiddlesTheCat · 17/08/2025 17:10

Are you taxidermying mice. I hear that has growing popularity as a hobby.

Coatsoff42 · 17/08/2025 17:09

I think this level of upset is because it’s criticism from your children. After years of buying them toy cars or my little ponies, or Pokémon cards or whatever pointless rubbish they like, and being very politely interested in dinosaur facts, or harry styles, paying for ridiculous haircuts, how rude to not give you the same consideration!!
ingrates!

queenMab99 · 17/08/2025 17:08

They need to mind their own business. They are older and do not need your constant attention, it's good to have something that you do for yourself now you have the time. Ignore them. It's up to you how you enjoy your hobby, it doesn't have to be an enforced slog, it's is worth doing even if you enjoy it intermittently.

Nonbio46 · 17/08/2025 17:08

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 15:39

Why do people on here never say what the 'hobby' is?
How many niche hobbies are there that are that identifiable?

I know! It does my head in. 😠

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/08/2025 17:05

MagicTape · 17/08/2025 16:45

I wonder if your emotional reaction to it is connected to a perception that middle aged women are embarrassing generally. With our weird hormones and bleedy bodies and mood swings and Karen tendencies and unwanted opinions and shrill voices. Middle aged women aren't supposed to have interesting inner lives and rich interests and things we care about that are not our homes and families. And I wonder whether it comes as a particularly huge disappointment to hear an echo of those views from your own family.

I actually was thinking something very similar.

Do you feel as if you’re not allowed to spend money on yourself OP? Do you feel as if they’ve made you feel ashamed? No because your DH is actually stopping or controlling you but because spending on yourself is somehow frivolous and not the done thing.

Do they just view you as “mum” and “wife” and get irritated when you dare to have interests of your own?

Fo you feel that you somehow need their permission and approval to enjoy yourself?

FWIW, I’m autistic and have ADHD. That means I have some hobbies that I’m utterly fixated on and others that are my new favourite thing for a month, never to be seen again 😂

Having hobbies is great. If it’s something that brings you joy, that’s wonderful. It doesn’t matter how long you do it for, nor whether you float in and out of it. It doesn’t sound as if you’re bankrupting the family - don’t feel as if you should feel ashamed or embarrassed.

As women we often get all caught up in feeling as if we shouldn’t do things that are just for us. As if there’s shame attached to treating yourself. As if our very existence should revolve around others.

Fuck all of that.

I hope you’re still planning on buying your four “trains”!! Feel free to pm me if you want to talk to someone about your hobby - I’ll have either done it myself at one time or it’ll be great to hear about something new!!

Buy the trains. Actually, buy five. And then run around the house making train noises just to annoy them all even more!! 😂💐

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 17/08/2025 17:04

I don’t follow. the op has eventually commented “fishkeeping” but I don’t if she means this is the hobby. but how would you start and stop so often? looked after correctly fish live a long time. also it isn’t a cheap “hobby” (personally disagree that looking after living creatures is a hobby). the fish can be cheap but equipment, foods, treatments are pricy. Also doesn’t explain the exchange comment as no repretable fish shop should be allowing that.

Notfairisit · 17/08/2025 17:03

Is it dolls houses?

Anyahyacinth · 17/08/2025 17:01

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 17/08/2025 16:51

I think the children’s ages are very relevant here. They are on the cusp of adulthood and I remember it with my own children and their friends. They try and communicate like they think adults do with each other and they frequently overshoot or miss the mark with their tone (what may have been considered cheeky or impertinent when younger). They’re testing their new freedom and skills and they had a prime target with you this morning, seemingly with the encouragement from dad unfortunately. I suspect it’s their tone and overly harsh seeming words that upset you, plus a grain of truth that you are a bit fickle with the passion for your hobby.

Just let it go, they’re testing their wings and boundaries like they did as young children. Or if you feel really strongly, tell them they upset you and that you feel it went past good natured ribbing and to watch their tone in the future. Enjoy your hobby - sounds harmless x

This

Suspect too they were trying to be 'bantering' but we're just a bit unkind...which hurt..who wants to be teased like that...it's a tedious type of humour.
Do as you please OP and react clearly to any disrespect toward you as an autonomous person from now on...wife and Mum.but SO much more too 💐💐💐💐

DancefloorAcrobatics · 17/08/2025 17:01

Just enjoy your hobby!

I have a very time consuming hobby and have the odd disagreement with DH, DC (15 & 20) like to chip in because 2x training a week plus weekend competitions take up too much time.

🤷🏽‍♀️ not bothered! It's my time now after spending years of supporting their hobbies. Ok I still support the 15yo but the other 2 are adults and can sort themselves out.

Honeyandwine · 17/08/2025 17:00

Fish keeping? You trade your pets? 😥

GenieGenealogy · 17/08/2025 16:56

My kids are constantly teasing me about how much yarn I have. Don't give two hoots.

MounjaroMounjaro · 17/08/2025 16:55

So they can have hobbies and you can't? Why would they think you're going to have the same hobbies as a middle aged man and a couple of teenagers? You have a cheap hobby - I bet it's a hell of a lot cheaper than theirs. They don't have to spend any time on your hobby but I bet you cook while your husband's out cycling and take your teenagers to their hobbies. They are bullying you and it's not nice at all.

oviraptor21 · 17/08/2025 16:55

I'd go the opposite way OP. I'd do my hobby more, not less, especially as it's one that seems to cause them a little inconvenience while you make a mess for a couple of hours. And when they complain I'd explain that for every time they complain or denigrate your hobby, you are going to do it for longer. Maybe delaying things that they want like meal times.
Perhaps then they'll learn to leave you in peace with your hobby.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2025 16:53

Wait until the three of them are together and tell them to fuck off with their attitude and leave you in peace to enjoy your hobby.

Also, you come across as very apologetic about having a hobby and spending time on something that does not involve them. Stop that. You've got a right to do things you enjoy.