To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

But did they both order nothing? Not even a drink @Edddie? Can I just check a 'cream tea' is just a cup of tea , scone with cream/jam?
I was thinking full onnafternoon tea with sandwiches, cakes and everything with the talk of doggy bags.

As someone who is impacted by someone who has health conditions that revolve around most aspects of life I would say if your DH is otherwise decent then give him a break.

I see it from his side. It's extremely exhausting to live with. A odd slip can be forgiven. Its ok for him to change his mind about something too. Your ED and your thoughts are not his fault.

Keep working on yourself but be prepared to forgive when things don't always suit you.

And to all the other posters who have who don't have EDs but still have issues when people change their minds or have issues being the only adults eating...you all have problems.

She has an eating disorder. That's kind of the whole point- it's a disorder.

The kids were eating. So you weren’t alone. Do you not take your kids out for something sweet as a treat without your husband?

I would imagine that the friend changed their mind and your husband had a moment of panic over what was more rude; leave the friend as the only one not eating or also skip the cream tea since you could enjoy yours with the kids. In your eyes, he made the wrong choice. Did they still get cups of tea or coffee?

Look, he must be exhausted always having to eat if he knows you’re hungry because otherwise, you won’t eat. It’s not fair. You need to sort this out so if your therapy isn’t working then try a new therapist. No one else is the room cares about you. No one. You could probably faint over the table and most people in the restaurant would ignore you. No one else cares about you; frankly, you’re not that important to the wait staff or strangers having their own meal 🤷‍♀️.

You wanted the cream tea so eat the cream tea. I guarantee that not one single person in that place remembered you the second after you walked out. You’re eating habits just aren’t important to anyone else. Your husband is usually good at helping you manage this? Then cut him some slack because it’s exhausting having to manage another adult who can just eat a scone when they want one.

My daughter has an ED and one of her 'things' is like you OP- feels like a greedy guts if she eats and others don't. So she won't eat. I know this about her, so I would never do what your husband did, it's incredibly unsupportive. So you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Good on you though for continuing working on your ED and now being able to eat in social settings! That's a huge step.

He most certainly is the 'bad guy' for changing his mind at the counter (along with his friend) without OP knowing or giving her a chance to change her mind, thus leaving her to eat alone while two other adults watch, in a setting which is supposed to be a shared sociable event.
That is just plain rude. It would be rude to anyone, ED or not.

For me the fact that the kids were also eating changed it slightly.

and, as kindly as I can say it, it’s really not the same as someone lying to a diabetic about sugar in a drink.

Well I wouldn't be trusting him to order for me anymore. That's for sure OP. It was a dick move to pull. Whether it's exhausting living with you having it or not.

I agree, that particular issue could have been dealt with very easily by your husband. ED are hard to deal with and every bit of support makes such a difference.

My first thought was that you were being unreasonable, similar to what others have said about your ED being your responsibility.

Then I read the replies and thought a little and changed my mind. I apologise for my first reaction.

I have disordered eating, I always have. I have really struggled to choose and order food in the past and would order similar to others as that felt "ok". My sister has helped me massively when it comes to ordering food, helps me choose, narrows down options and helps with strategies. I am a lot better now and usually manage ok but my sister always checks. So no youre not being unreasonable.

Im in therapy, im doing the full DBT programme and what has really helped me from DBT is the "check/fit the facts", the "cope ahead" and "problem solving". Aswell as reframing my thoughts so for example when you think "im fat, greedy" etc, reframe it as something like "im having the thought i am greedy, because I have an ED. Thoughts are not fact".

You can have the thought "I am a purple cat" it isnt fact, it doesnt make you a purple cat. Sometimes when I do have an anxiety driven irrational thought, I think to myself "Im a purple cat" as a reminder that my thoughts aren't always true.

I’d actually be more than pissed off. I’d be worried it was deliberate or subconsciously sabotaging. He saw the place, he wanted it, he suggested it, and then a moment later he decides he doesn’t want it. Very sus in my opinion. Knowing your issues with food.

Have you asked? Discussed how unhappy you are about it?

Her behaviour? She has a mental illness ffs.

I go to bed at 10 pm so eating at 9 would be late for me. DH goes to bed late, wake up late. I wake up early (5-6) so go to bed early.

9.00pm is far too late to eat for me

Really? Whatever happened to having supportive partners/ families and friends. We are not islands!

9pm isnt particularly late IMO

It isn't really like your examples at all, sorry. Your DH is a person in his own right and he should not have to consider only your needs rather than thinking about his own wishes once in a while. He will have had to consider your needs an awful lot in recent times, so I don't think it is appropriate for you to be annoyed that he changed his mind. It is a bit weird though for both to order nothing at all when they had said they wanted something.

Do you eat enough OP? Are you underweight? It's so hard living with someone who undereats. Just wondering if your DH wanted you to eat something ... and set it up so you felt you had to? Not saying he was right, but it is understandable and I would not blame him.
It's good that you are working to overcome your ED. Good luck with it.

So not helpful. Does it make you feel better to put other people down?

These things don’t tend to happen overnight. It’s a slow process, and to an extent does rely on family members and friends being aware, sensitive and accommodating. It’s not like you go to therapy and then the next week you’re dining solo at an all you can eat buffet.

Totally understand how you must have felt and he should have realised. No advice other than I hope you are getting to a better place with your ED which is a minefield to navigate.

I understand you @Edddie. I hate eating alone in front of others. Mealtimes are stressful for me in general so I prefer to eat alone with my tablet. That way I can eat while focussing on something else. DH has little compassion. He wants meal times to be social - but at the same time he eats too late for me anyways; 21:00. It's hard to explain an unusual eating disorder because it's not anorexia or purging it's just stress and finding the need to be alone and on a calm environment. I am not overweight nor underweight, I eat "normal" food and portions but I prefer talking before or after having eaten and my DH just thinks I'm antisocial. I tell him he's antisocial as well then choosing to eat so much later than everyone else🤷‍♀️

Your DH must be worn out by your behaviour.