To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

Your husband sounds a complete and utter dick. Is it possible that he did it deliberately - knowing you would be upset. I just cannot understand why they would both change their minds.

The issue isn’t that he changed his mind. It’s that he changed his mind and didn’t think that maybe he should let his wife know despite being fully aware of the fact that it would upset her to eat alone.

It would have been thoughtless even without an ED to consider - unless I was ravenous I wouldn’t have wanted to sit alone eating either and I have zero issues with food, but it’s doubly so in the circumstances.

The problem is that when someone has an eating disorder, the eggshell walking turns up more than 3 times every day. Thoae around them need to consider if they eat near them or don't, if it's the right thing to eat in front of them, how exactly to best ask if or what they will have for lunch. Those who have been around it rather than actually having it will know just how frustrating it can be. While that poster could have been gentler, the point is true, OP is the only one who can manage her own fears and distress. The DH should absolutely help, even most of the time, but it is not fair to expect him to subsume OP's issues into his own interests every day for every meal and every snack.

A cream tea is quite substantial. It seems weird to me that he'd stop on a whim and decide he's hungry enough for one only to change his mind a few minutes later when he's up there ordering, especially since he knows about your ED. Is he usually supportive?

Well that's a very sad outlook to have on life. Part of being in a relationship is caring for the other person.

Yes OP your H should have been more thoughtful. Def worth having a chat with him

Wow, that’s a caring thoughtful viewpoint. So if someone you loved was triggered by something, you would just do it anyway as it’s their problem??

Why should he have to eat if he doesn’t want to?

Does the children eating not count? If the children were also eating, I too would also have rationalised that you wouldn’t be eating alone.

I feel for you OP that seems very weird to decide at the counter they didn’t fancy it. Was it particularly expensive and your DH didn’t want to pay for two?

At least the kids were eating too which makes it slightly better, though with your history it does seem inconsiderate for him to completely change his mind. He could have at least said he wasn't as hungry as he thought and wondered if you would share, therefore you would still both be eating. Seems a bit thoughtless that he didn't think of you in this situation, unless he doesn't think it's an issue anymore and that you are recovered.

Agree it’s odd they both changed their minds. Wouldn’t have taken a minute for him to go back to the table and say to the OP they weren’t eating anymore and check whether she still wanted to order.

I would have felt uncomfortable everyone sat there with nothing or a small ice cream and I have a cream tea alone. It’s just courtesy to have told the OP.

Sounds like there is more to it.

Have you considered that maybe he was just trying to get you to eat something? My youngest has had an ED, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but honestly it was exhausting. I felt like our entire life was arranged around our DD's eating rules.

It sounds like you need a lot more support if you have DC that are watching this.

This.

I have experience of living with a sibling with anorexia and it was indeed incredibly stressful - eggshell walking 24/7 and being screamed at and called a disgusting fat greedy slob who'd stopped her being able to eat that day when I unknowingly ate something she'd planned (inside her head, without telling anyone or doing anything to indicate it) to have half of as her sole meal that day, constantly being jibed at verbally as fat, greedy and disgusting if I ate anything when she was around, or indeed sometimes just for existing, but simultaneously also told constantly that everything was alright for me, nobody needed to worry about me and I couldn't understand what it was like to not be happy - hard to live with when you're a teenager yourself.

Nothing the OP says compares to that - I'd bet almost nobody would genuinely be happy to be put in the situation the OP described, although most people without an eating disorder would be able to call the husband out immediately for being socially clueless and thoughtless, and insist everyone share the single cream tea.

Really though who does that? The husband was colossally thoughtless in the context of knowing his wife's eating disorder, but it would have been awkward for 99% of people to be presented with a cream tea and watched eating it by people eating and drinking nothing. Weird of the husband.

Totally baffling that your husband did this. Surely he would know to cancel your order if he was cancelling his? Was it just a blip as his friend is distracting him and he’s lost focus? Maybe he panicked a bit and didn’t know what to do for the best.
Equally I hope in the future you have the confidence to say “Actually I don’t want this anymore either. Anyone else want a bit?”

I totally understand how this must of made you feel.

If he is genuinely supportive and helpful most of the time it may have just been a mistake on his part. My DD has an ED - started when she was 15, she is now an adult. It is an awful illness, and we have watched her suffer, whilst doing everything we can (on the nhs and privately) to help her recover.

As her main support and carer, I am exhausted - trying to support, all the appointments, the refeed programme, working full time plus extra (so we can afford care), looking after our other children etc…. what this all means is that I mess up, I sometimes say things that aren’t helpful, I may cook a meal that isn’t okay (for my DD). I am human and I do get it wrong - and I could kick myself afterwards- because I love DD and would do anything to help her.

I am wondering if mostly he is a kind, caring person - was this a ‘mess up?’ he got it wrong and didn’t quite know what to do in-front of his friend?? I would talk to him about this though and perhaps plan together what would happen if the same thing were to occur again.

If he generally isn’t supportive or caring towards your wellbeing, then this is a bigger conversation about what he did and how he made you feel.

I hope you carry on, on the road to recovery ❤️

Oh and MAKE the friend eat the other half? 🙄

Really 'made' him eat it? I hope that's a joke. Can you imagine op saying her dh made her eat the scone?
I don't think he could have done anything right, come back to rhe table and say 'changed mind, don't want it now, do you still want a scone?' That would have been seen as awful 'we don't want one, but YOU will" ? Should they have ordered the scones even if they didn't want one?

You would have MADE someone eat something they didn’t want to?

DH needs apologise, as he was in the position of driving, seeing tea shop & declaring he wanted to stop there.
Personally, in this situation I’d have made DH eat half the scone/s.

I don’t have an eating disorder and I would hate that too, try to get past what happened now though with a sense of achievement for how far you have come because you managed a situation that you found uncomfortable. Think back to where you used to be and be proud.

I get you @theunbreakablecleopatrajones and I understand why it has upset you. However...

I've been on a long weight management journey (health related), mostly with eating low carb and no sugar (lots of healthy veg, eggs, meat though) and some intermittent fasting. dh is long tall and lean, also very sporty. He has never had an issue with weight, nor has anyone in his family with similar genes. Added to that, I'm the food person in our house, I do the meal planning, the shopping and the cooking. (dh is the laundry and ironing person - tasks I hate). So dh knows in a day-to-day sense that I won't have pasta, or bread - although I buy / cook it for him, but he has no interest in or understanding of the science of nutrition. He wouldn't know a refined carb from his elbow.

Over the years I have become completely comfortable with my approach - although at times the planning of what I was / wasn't eating was thought consuming, maybe even obsessive. I'm now easy with going out for 'coffee and cake' and not having any cake, I've learnt to assert my own priorities. But I would never want to stop anyone else from having what they would like - that would make me feel bad, like I was imposing my choices on them.

dh still doesn't really get it [sigh]

We might be out for a meal and the serving person asks if we want to see the dessert menu. I never do because I don't eat refined sugar. But if I say 'no thanks' dh will also say no. But if I say 'yes please' and hardly glance at it, dh will usually choose something, and is happy that I have a herbal tea. Or if we're out for coffee he'll ask if I want to try some of his cake. Or he'll offer me a slice of pizza. Or he'll suddenly notice that I haven't eaten any breakfast (don't eat breakfast 90% of the time).

I think food, nutrition, the psychology of weight management and eating patterns are so far from the the forefront of his mind that he simply gets it wrong sometimes.

I understand that your eating disorder is different, but if dh is supportive and helpful most of the time, and tries, then you might need some other strategies for the times when thngs do go awry. e.g. in that panic situation could you have been the one who also said you'd changed your mind - ask the others if they wanted some after all and if not, you ask for a doggie bag. Do you have someone supportive that you could discuss alternative strategies / tactics with?

WTF?

Who does that - suggests stopping somewhere to eat, goes to order it, changes their mind at that point?

That is weird, and whilst I no longer have a particularly big issue about eating in front of people I am very close to if they're not eating, it would still throw me off as it is fucking weird!

Was he ‘testing’ you?

You weren’t the only one eating the Ice cream though, the children were too.