To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

I’d be really pissed off if DH did that to me.

Who want to eat a cream tea alone- it’s a sociable thing as well as meal/ large snack.

also it throws out all other meals.

Unbelievable. I sympathise to an extent due to my own exposure to EDs and mental
health issues, but to compare an allergy and an ED is completely ignorant. They’re apples and oranges.

Well she could have 'managed it herself' if the bellend had given her the new information.

she has come a long way and he's just shat on that by putting her in a very uncomfortable situation knowing her feelings.

@Edddie what the actual fuck was he thinking. HE was the one that wanted to stop to get an afternoon tea, then does that to you? I'd be SO angry & hurt.

You're doing really really well, don't let this derail you from your recovery.

and as others have said, no one else would have noticed or cared, but I know huw hard that is to get past xx

This, if op agrees with all the posters thay her husband did this to be controlling/evil/hurtful/vindictive/dick/purposely stepped out of line/ didn't prioritise her with his every thought in order to destabilise her.. would that not be a relationship ender?

I think, and I mean this very kindly, that you've got it slightly wrong (as ED brains will tend to do) - learning to manage your ED is not 'needing to know if and when others are eating around you so you can behave in a way your brain finds acceptably "appropriate"', but 'learning to be able to eat regardless of what anyone else is doing'. So I don't think he was hindering your ability to manage the symptom of the disease - the fact that you needed to know whether he would be eating too IS the symptom.

I get it: I have a very weird complicated relationship with eating and eating around other people. But requiring him, even infrequently, to let you know if and when he will be eating when you're out and about, is feeding the part of your brain that tells you there's something bad or gluttonous about being the only person eating. It's capitulating to the ED brain, not fighting it.

Now I accept that maybe a random day out wasn't when you felt ready to tackle it specifically, but that's the problem with EDs - eating, in all kinds of scenarios, is an almost constant type of unexpected exposure therapy. Which can be unpleasant. But it isn't your DH's job to 'pander' (excuse the term, I don't mean that as cruelly as it sounds) to your disorder, and more importantly I don't think it does you any good to do so. Learning to manage the unexpected instance where you're the only person eating is a step to recovering from it: trying to control or limit scenarios where you eat is just still having the disorder.

Jesus Christ. Because people change their mind sometimes?
He doesn’t sound like a dick at all. He sounds like a human being who in the moment didn’t consider his wife’s feelings, like we all do sometimes, or are you little miss perfect who never makes a mistake?
At the end of the day this is OPs problem and her DH while being considerate shouldn’t have to tip toe around her 24/7. I would be exhausted having to live like that.
OP needs to continue to work to resolve her issues such that when something like this happens in the future she isn’t phased and her DH can live his life like a normal person.

Exactly. Very odd behaviour from DH

The people on this thread attempting to ‘cure’ OP’s mental health disorder by advising her to ‘just get on with it’ and ‘get real’ is appalling.

OP the fact that DH didn’t pop back to the table and say oh we’re just having a cuppa now because the cream teas look ropey/they’re too expensive/saving ourselves for fish and chips is what has upset you I’m sure. As he knows you wouldn’t want to be the only present adult having it.

How is the rest of the day going?

I wouldnt care less if im the only one eating.

Anxiety about eating in public is very different to another disorder. It is not a big ask to simply not buy someone something leaving her to be the only one. It’s basic courtesy. This isn’t a deep analysis of what kind of food is permitted, or time of day, or anything that requires meaningful thought. It’s “do I want something? No. Ok, I won’t get it for Op either”. That’s it. Unless you’re more concerned about your friend thinking it’s odd to not buy your wife something when she asked, it is second nature to consider your partner when you are making decisions that affect them.

Of course it isn’t three times a day, because how many times in reality are people in a situation where one person is ordering on behalf of others? At a restaurant, they’d order together, at home it isn’t an issue, at work it isn’t an issue…only really likely at a cafe where someone is holding a table.

If my husband changed his mind he’d either nip back and ask me or quickly call me, just like he would if what I wanted wasn’t available. If he couldn’t, he’d just split with me, even performatively, because he changed the goal posts.

Yes, I think he should have told you he had changed his mind.
He knows you well enough to know what that would mean to you.

@Edddie was it only.a scone, or a full afternoon tea?

You’re nice.

As it is eating disorder and you admit it is mental health issue, then it is all real in your own mind but not real for others. They don't know and would not judge anything like that. Relax and eat what you want, whenever you want and in any way you want

I understand that, but I find this way of speaking about herself so upsetting to read that I am not prepared to be complicit in that value assessment of anyone, including her.

If her husband said “You’re an awful fat glutton eating that lot,” we would instantly recognize it as appalling abuse. OP saying it herself in no way diminishes the harm being done by those words, and we should reinforce that she deserves the same basic respect and good manners that everyone else does. OP, allowing those words into your vocabulary is continuing to harm you. Please do not speak of yourself in that way. You (everyone) deserves so much better than that.

No of course not. But equally I wouldnt expect my DH to have to manage MY mental health issues to such an extent. We are all responsible for ourselves, even in a loving relationship.

What about the mate? Maybe they said get Eddie something or your DH thought christ, I’ll look rude if I don’t. What was he supposed to do?

I don’t like eating on my own in front of others either, but is this a big deal.

This is weird as fuck. So your DH said he wanted a cream tea and in the time it took to get to the counter to order, he'd changed his mind - and so had his friend? I mean, is it just me that finds this abnormal behaviour? Sounds to me as though he was setting you up.

He got her a scone, while the kids were having ice cream. Those without an eating disorder genuinely can eat it, ignore it, or share it, with no problem. Those who would feel unable to eat a thing they just ordered based on what others eat have an eating disorder. Yes, he ideally would have taken into account her issues, I just pointed out why it's a big ask, because it wasn't and isn't about that one snack at all - it is every day at least 3 times per day, maybe some days even 6 times per day if snack, coffee or other drink stops are considered. He did not put her needs before his own, just once.

Eating is something that humans must do to stay alive. Unless you’re sat eating like you’re in an all you can eat food competition no one is batting an eyelid.

DH probably fell over at the price of a cream tea ! hence him deciding he wasn't having one.

There is nothing gluttonous about one person having a cream tea in a place that sells them and that is why you all went into the place, and the children were having ice creams too, so 3 of you eating out of 5 people.