To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

Maybe make a plan to avoid this happening again?

When DH says 'would you like a cream tea?', always answer 'only if you're having one'.

(Also covers the other annoying situation, where he goes for two cream teas, and comes back with a cream tea for you, and something much more delicious for him. Yes, this happened. Yes, I made him swap. Food is a competitive and emotive issue, ED or not.)

I haven't noticed, but I don't expect other people to be policing my eating habits, so it probably doesn't register.

Are you obese? Is there any rational reason why people might think you are a greedy glutton because you ordered a cream tea?

Presumably if it was the sort of place that sells cream teas, there must have been other "greedy gannets" gorging on cakes and other creamy treats. Why would you stand out among them?

If DH makes a habit of sabotaging your efforts around food, to belittle you and keep you off-balance, then you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave; who knows, that may even help your eating disorder.

If however you are happy with DH, and intend to stay, then your eating disorder is your responsibility. You can try to communicate your needs and manage your surroundings so as to keep yourself comfortable, but you absolutely cannot insist on the behaviour of others nor enforce penalties for it.

For the cream tea incident you are not taking responsibility. If you were, your thread would have been asking MN for support and strategies to help you manage your intrusive thoughts when you unexpectedly find yourself with a larger meal than your companions when eating in public. Instead you are on a public forum seeking support to blame DH for he and his friend changing their minds about what they wanted to eat. That's pretty extreme on your part and shows how your eating disorder can lead to controlling behaviour in relationship.

It sounds like DH was playing host, so he had his friends wishes to factor in too, as well as meeting his own preferences ofc. It's also not unusual for any person who gets up and circulates to change their mind when they see what is on other plates.

I'd assume there was plenty going on so he just didn't think anything of it. Or even if he did hesitate, maybe it was busy, and he didn't want the rigmarole of reporting their changes back to you, seeing if you wanted to alter your order or not, then back again to a queue. Maybe he thought the extra consultation would make you more self-conscious in front of his friend, and was trying to avoid spiking your anxiety that way. There are so many completely normal and good faith reasons why DH acted as he did.

I suppose you could try to maintain control and therefore comfort by being the only one who gets up to order in future, thus ensuring that no-one else can change their minds from the agreed menu plan. An interim strategy only, because it's coercive.

Also just to add, food allergies and dietary requirements are very black and white. Whereas an ED is much more complex and vast. The rules you set and thoughts you have cannot be compared to something as simple as a simple yes/no to eating meat or dairy.

Perhaps your DH thought as your children would be eating this would be acceptable? These thoughts are awful for you but also will often be irrational, it can't be expected for someone to fully understand and always get it exactly right.

I sympathise OP, your eating disorder sounds really debilitating and I can't imagine how hard it is to change this type of thought pattern.

In relation to your DH, if he generally is supportive and a good husband I wouldn't make a huge issue of this. I think you could talk to him about it but I wouldn't make a mountain of it or make him feel bad if it's not a regular occurrence.

Obviously a large part of this disorder manifests in your thoughts. While it's consuming for you, these thoughts and rules you set around food will not be constantly in your husband's mind, he is only human and cannot be expected to get it right all of the time.

Do you notice what other people are eating and make judgements about it?

I'm assuming you don't.

Why do you think other people and - in particular - complete strangers are so interested in what you are eating?

They really aren't.

Did DH and friend have something different or did they have nothing at all?

I would absolutely hate this.
I used to be overweight and had an ED myself.
I have come out the other side and would say that I don’t have an ED now and will happily eat in front of people but I would still hate this situation.

If they had something different, then it wouldn’t be as bad but if they sat there with no food whilst I was eating then I’d be upset about it.

I wouldn’t blame DH but I’d explain it to him and ask that he doesn’t do it again.
He wasn’t being intentionally rude but unless you have had an ED or anxiety then you just wouldn’t see it as an issue.

While I can sympathise to a certain extent your issues around food are probably a nightmare for your husband to deal with.

I’m sorry you’re suffering. I really am.

im out because your thought processes are irrational and the way you are comparing your ED to life threatening allergies and diseases such as diabetes I’m finding hard to cope with.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can find a way forward but I really don’t think your husband has done anything wrong.

From the vegan non-vegan sausages example.

the issue is that you don’t want to eat on your own. So you’d not have eaten the sausages regardless of whether they were vegan or meat.

can you honestly not see the difference?

But you didn’t have to eat the scone. That’s the whole point and what makes it different.

I wonder how the voting would have gone if you posted the story without mentioning the ED.

Because I don't have an ED, but I would have been furious at being bumped into eating a cream tea in solitary splendour, when I could have saved myself for something nicer later.

I wouldn't have held back either: I'd grill them mercilessly about why they'd changed their minds.

And I wouldn't eat it.

YANBU

Absolutely, ordering a scone that someone does not have to eat is in no way similar to purposely giving someone a food with a fatal allergen in it!!

I'm quite surprised by these responses as I don't have an eating disorder and I would have felt so embarrassed if this had happened to me, and exactly the same thoughts would be going through my head. The only difference is perhaps because I wouldn't have thought of this as my issue I would definitely have told DH off and refused to eat, everyone would have ended up sharing it. I think it's extremely rude of your DH to do that, it's a shared social experience that he suggested of course you don't want to find yourself the only one left doing it while the two other adults stare at you, that's so strange that he did that. It would have been different if you'd been the one who dragged them in to buy one but not this way round.

I believe she did

I don't see what's difficult for the DP here. He chose to stop for the cream tea.

So do you, just not around eating.

I don't think this us putting OP down at all. It's an observation on how difficult this must for her DH. I would imagine it's very difficult for him

Absolutely not the same as lying to someone with allergies or diabetes about what is in their food. This has to be one of the most ignorant and melodramatic things I have read.

Also, you didn't have to consume the cream tea even if it was already paid for.

Couldn’t you just say you changed your mind too, and leave the scone? Or make them up with the jam and cream and push half over to your DH with a pointed look?
It doesn’t seem fair to get annoyed at him, when it is your issue to manage.

FFS she's come a long way. Can't you at least appreciate that??

How can she 'manage it' when she wasn't given all the information. Other than to not eat, even if others say they are??