To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

Consider this, OP. A wholly imaginary scenario concocted by your eating disorder, in which one or two dozen people observe you eat a cream tea and judge you for it, has sent you spiralling. Your response is to engineer a very real scenario in which you invite thousands of people on a public forum to examine and criticise the actions of your DH. Your behaviour is hypocritical, bullying, even vengeful. You are acting out your symptoms rather than taking responsibility for them and challenging them.

To be honest, I'd be a bit put out to find myself having what I thought was going to be a nice, sociable snack experience between three people (because in my mind a cream tea is that, really, more than most foods!) turn into a solo activity, and I am someone who couldn't give much of a fig what people think of my eating habits!

I'd just feel the whole dynamic on which I'd based my decision had been shifted without my knowledge and be a bit disappointed.

With the additional context of your ED, yes, your husband was particularly thoughtless. However, if he's usually supportive and an otherwise good and loving husband, it's an entirely forgiveable blip in a fallible human being and I think you should let it go.

I hope you are able to keep going in your recovery and break through ever more barriers so that there are fewer and fewer things that are able to trip you up.

Good luck.

I'm surprised you've had such a rough time on here OP, who likes eating alone!?

It's like if you agreed to split a bottle of wine, two went up to order and came back with water for themselves and a bottle for you. Things are more enjoyable if you all partake. I'm sure your DH just wasn't thinking but I'd be miffed in the same scenario

Is that a roundabout way of saying. Yes, I do see other people as awful fat and gluttonous with no self control.

Is that your considered opinion of other who eat, or is that the eating disorder talking?

you’ve had several hours to think about this and I’m still not sure what you’re looking for here. is it (a)!Your husband is a cunt (b) you are right, you’re a fat pig (c) something else? (d) checking whether your reaction is normal: a bit yes, but then you started catastrophising and you seem immune to all suggestions about how you could have handled it differently. What is this whole thing really about.

This.
I have the same affliction OP. It's horrible and stifling but even for those who have nothing of the sort, as others have said, it messes up the day (because then, one of you has eaten others haven't-they're going to want food at some point leaving others sitting without any food and perhaps causing objection in a restaurant) plus a lot of folk feeling awkward eating alone-ED or not!

He should have taken two minutes to consider you once he'd changed his mind and shouted over for you or come and told you.

YABU. This is a totally normal and benign action from your husband.

While people can empathise with your condition, they can never truly understand and feel the internal challenges you deal with.

It's important to be cognisant of that.

No one has an ED for fun.

Was it a cream tea or a half cream tea ?
as a cream tea ought to be 2 scones with cream and jam.

you mention that ' I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH ' so was there only one scone ? and you nibbled part of one scone, thus sounds like a half cream tea, and it also sounds like you were passing over a half eaten scone for dh to have to eat.
Otherwise if it had been a normal cream tea, surely you would have given dh a whole uneaten unnibbled scone for himself.

100% agree.

I'm fully with you OP. It would have been a dick move to pull with anyone, but ten times more so when he knows your issues.
I suspect you didnt really want to eat it anyway, but said yes because your DP and friend were having one. I suspect your DP knows this.
In your situation I would have outright rejected it. With the perfectly good reason that you dont want to eat it if no-one else is having one. If DP tries to pull the same move again, just do this. Hopefully he'll learn.

I think he behaved horrifically in the circs.

However, try not to let this knock you. You've been doing fantastically! Keep going. Take this as a sign you've been so well with your progress he forgot how impactful this would be.

He owes you an apology but keep going!

It's pretty clear from your updates OP that you're not really managing this at all, your strategies are rigid and inflexible. You can't control what other people are eating so you don't have issues with what is put in front of you.

It doesn't sound like it's a fun way to live for any of you.

Your DH leaving you to eat alone is absolutely NOT the same as him lying to you about what is in your food. The former is inconsiderate, the latter is LTB.

I don't think it does you any good to liken the two - you're putting all the responsibility onto your DH, and as you have seen, he can make mistakes.

Why are you putting risks of allergies like that "death"
Do you not agree or believe that there's a risk of death with allergens? Is your ED the only thing that matters and everyone has to acqueicse?
I didn't see the whole issue but had sympathy till that.

YANBU

This would annoy me because why stop for it if you’re not going to eat it and if you’ve changed your mind, still ask if others still want it, especially if it something that would likely be to share.

OP, you have my sympathies. I’ve never had an ED, but I did grow up with people commenting on my portions, what I eat, how I eat and my body/weight.

My mother constantly made comments about me to others in front of me in public, family members the same when I visited them if food was involved, some openly watching me eat and commenting whether or not the portion was big or small. Dealing with that constantly as a child and teen, and it coming up even as an adult is aggravating. Had a colleague mention how I eat at work in front of others and I smiled through it, she didn’t mean any harm, but inside I just sighed because growing up like that, I hated having attention on me.

You’re right that people do judge and comment and plenty of threads on AIBU has proven that. The thread about people not eating all of their food at restaurants and how wasteful it is springs to mind.

Unfortunately for anyone who has any type of anxiety, MH issue, anything that they struggle with, AIBU is the worse place to post because there are always plenty of posters who will use whatever stated issue you’re working on against you and ignore the other factors to say yabu or because it doesn’t bother them, it shouldn’t bother you regardless if you have explained why. They’ll project and add things that aren’t there to suit their narrative so they can say they’re right with no evidence to the fact.

Your DH may have been thoughtless and distracted by his friend and if he is a good guy as you said and was inconsiderate, just ask him about it and let him know it made you uncomfortable and for next time, if he changes his mind, to let you know before he purchases.

He might just not be so aware of her eating disorder though because it seems like it mostly affects the OP at work.

Next time could you just ask your DH to share it with you?

I think it would be good to have a plan B like that for when your strategies don't work out.

It's great that you've made progress and can now eat socially. Don't let this derail you, keep pushing yourself to move forward.

Thank goodness. I thought I was going mad. So many PPs feeling sorry for the DH having to deal with the ill-regulated OP.

What sort of person persuades a companion to come keep them company while they eat something, then only buys the something for the companion and sits there watching them eat it? It's weird.

My concern is that he did this to put you in a difficult position.

But your strategies are not helping your mental health or learning to overcome your eating disorder. Your strategies are to lean into your disordered thinking by eating by rules and asking your husband to help manage your rules. You need to break and challenge the rules in order to overcome this.

Your 'strategies' cannot involve controlling other people's behaviour. You can only seek to manage and change your own thoughts and your own behaviour. It sounds like you need an entirely new approach, one where your success is not contingent on coercing others, nor on blaming them when you fail.

Also, you really need new strategies that don’t put work on someone else’s plate here. Your husband is allowed to change his mind without having to express that immediately to you, that’s part of life, it’s not fair to essentially make your strategies part of his mental load.

I think maybe you just need to accept this is a you problem and cut him some slack OP. It must be really exhausting for him to not be able to just change his mind about something as simple as a snack without it leading to a lecture from you about how that impacts YOUR day.