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Original poster

To think feminism has started excusing bad behaviour in women the way patriarchy used to excuse men?

92 replies

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:36

It used to be “boys will be boys.” Now I hear “she’s just setting boundaries” or “she’s living her truth” as excuses for poor behaviour. AIBU to think we’ve swapped one blind spot for another?

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 17/08/2025 13:32

Spookygoose · 17/08/2025 13:12

I haven’t thought about this before but now I think about it, I agree with you. What annoys me is it now seems completely socially acceptable for women to bang on about how beautiful, funny, intelligent they are because it’s seen as ‘empowering’ and ‘speaking the truth’. What happened to humbleness? To me it’s embarrassing and arrogant. Similar with women being told, “you’re allowed to take up space” - that doesn’t mean it’s ok to shout, talk down to people, or be rude, under the guise of having the right to ‘be seen’

This is exactly what I mean when I ask whether it's actual bad behaviour or just perceived that way because it's women - in what way is women recognising their own qualities a bad thing? Why should they be humble? This is plainly viewing women in a negative light just because they're not acting the way they're 'supposed' to.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/08/2025 13:29

I don’t think feminism is one solid thing, or that a lot of people who say things like ‘she’s just setting boundaries’ would count themselves as feminists or be able to define it.

So not really. But I do think women are freer (and have the money) to do what they want than they used to, which includes behaving badly, I do think that’s better than 50 years ago, at least.

usedtobeaylis · 17/08/2025 13:28

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:45

I mean things like rudeness being brushed off as ‘boundaries’ or selfishness reframed as ‘empowerment.’ That sort of thing.

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But is it actually rudeness and selfishness or is it perceived that way because it's women and women must be polite and accommodating at all time therefore any deviation from that makes people uncomfortable?

Pipplestop · 17/08/2025 13:28

I think it's just plain selfish behaviour, be it man or woman. A selfish woman might use setting boundaries etc as an excuse for being selfish. Like a selfish man might excuse his behaviour as boys being boys. Maybe nothing to with feminism in that sense. But then, is a selfish woman more likely to get it pointed out because she's a woman..

CurlewKate · 17/08/2025 13:27

Charlthg · 17/08/2025 12:39

Yeah, women involved in porn being glorified and the recent Lilly Allen attention seeking stunt regarding abortions.

Rachel from accounts lying on her cv, tanking the economy and somehow no one can criticize her because doing so is apparently misogyny.

There are many more.

The misogyny in this post is breathtaking.

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/08/2025 13:27

Charlthg · 17/08/2025 12:39

Yeah, women involved in porn being glorified and the recent Lilly Allen attention seeking stunt regarding abortions.

Rachel from accounts lying on her cv, tanking the economy and somehow no one can criticize her because doing so is apparently misogyny.

There are many more.

Can we not do the 'Rachel from accounts' please?

ByLimeAnt · 17/08/2025 13:25

@Spookygoose I don't believe that is limited to women. My perspective is that that type of presentation is heavily influenced by social media and influences, rather than sex.

Spookygoose · 17/08/2025 13:12

I haven’t thought about this before but now I think about it, I agree with you. What annoys me is it now seems completely socially acceptable for women to bang on about how beautiful, funny, intelligent they are because it’s seen as ‘empowering’ and ‘speaking the truth’. What happened to humbleness? To me it’s embarrassing and arrogant. Similar with women being told, “you’re allowed to take up space” - that doesn’t mean it’s ok to shout, talk down to people, or be rude, under the guise of having the right to ‘be seen’

MuddyPawsIndoors · 17/08/2025 13:02

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:57

Exactly, I’m not talking about women asserting themselves in healthy ways. I’m talking about when genuinely selfish or unfair behaviour gets wrapped up in the language of empowerment. It blurs the line and makes it harder to call out.

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No it doesn't.

You just call it out, the same as you'd call out someone for any selfish behaviour.

And if you believe they're using feminism as an excuse rather than a reason, then you call that out too 🤷‍♂️

myplace · 17/08/2025 13:02

Just reply with your own boundaries. Do you need to call someone out?

I’m missing Mum’s birthday dinner because I have boundaries and she’s chosen a venue I don’t want to go to. I don’t eat in chain restaurants. That’s my truth and you can’t change me.

Ok. Mum’s birthday is more important to me than where we celebrate so I’ll be there.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 17/08/2025 13:01

Now I hear “she’s just setting boundaries”

How dare she sett boundaries!!!

I fear your not so internalised misogyny is clouding your view of women. You really need to do better if you think women setting boundaries is selfish and cruel 🙄

Blisterinthe · 17/08/2025 13:00

Onwardspeople · 17/08/2025 12:56

I know exactly what you are saying op and I absolutely agree. For some people, “holding my boundaries” means being utterly vile when they don’t get exactly what they want, even when what they want is entirely unreasonable. And “speaking my truth” just means being spiteful and hurtful.

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You put it much more eloquently than I could have.

myplace · 17/08/2025 13:00

I don’t know anyone who excuses their own rudeness with talk of boundaries or their own truth.

I have seen women accused of selfishness when they have tried to keep a small corner of their world for themselves- not being available to other people whenever they want.

I think rude people will be rude, and people talk a lot of bollocks.

That doesn’t mean that boundaries aren’t an important concept, or that feminism has done something wrong. That’s just rude badly behaved selfish people behaving as they always have.

Original poster
WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:57

GameWheelsAlarm · 17/08/2025 12:52

Define "poor behaviour"? The phrases “she’s just setting boundaries” or “she’s living her truth” are perfectly reasonable applied to a woman who is merely claiming the right to be not treated as a doormat, which generally men expect to claim by default. Have you seen these phrases being used to excuse a woman actually evading her fair responsibilities eg refusing to look after her own kids? Cos that would be CFery not feminism.

Exactly, I’m not talking about women asserting themselves in healthy ways. I’m talking about when genuinely selfish or unfair behaviour gets wrapped up in the language of empowerment. It blurs the line and makes it harder to call out.

OP posts:
childofthe607080s · 17/08/2025 12:57

Where you are wrong is to blame feminism - that’s just wrong and misogynistic

Onwardspeople · 17/08/2025 12:56

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:53

No, I don’t mean saying no or having needs. I mean when someone is actively rude, unkind, or dismissive and then frames it as ‘boundaries’ rather than just admitting they were being unpleasant. There’s a difference.

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I know exactly what you are saying op and I absolutely agree. For some people, “holding my boundaries” means being utterly vile when they don’t get exactly what they want, even when what they want is entirely unreasonable. And “speaking my truth” just means being spiteful and hurtful.

BIossomtoes · 17/08/2025 12:53

Charlthg · 17/08/2025 12:43

Congrats OP. Your point has been proven about 5 posts in.

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What about your misogyny? Absolutely right.

Original poster
WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:53

DorothyStorm · 17/08/2025 12:47

Again, be more specific. Are you expecting a woman to drop their own plans / needs / do something for someone else without argument, and in them saying no you take as selfishness?

is saying no rude?

what sort of thing?

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No, I don’t mean saying no or having needs. I mean when someone is actively rude, unkind, or dismissive and then frames it as ‘boundaries’ rather than just admitting they were being unpleasant. There’s a difference.

OP posts:
GameWheelsAlarm · 17/08/2025 12:52

Define "poor behaviour"? The phrases “she’s just setting boundaries” or “she’s living her truth” are perfectly reasonable applied to a woman who is merely claiming the right to be not treated as a doormat, which generally men expect to claim by default. Have you seen these phrases being used to excuse a woman actually evading her fair responsibilities eg refusing to look after her own kids? Cos that would be CFery not feminism.

childofthe607080s · 17/08/2025 12:51

I guess you have just had some bad experiences OP and you are generalising from that - and all isms start from incorrect but easy generalisation

EstherGreenwood63 · 17/08/2025 12:50

Lol at these oh so obvious incel threads... try harder fellas... 😂

Charlthg · 17/08/2025 12:50

DorothyStorm · 17/08/2025 12:44

Congrats, @Charlthg . You have proven you cannot provide evidence or reason. Not something I would personally brag about…

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Sorry, what?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 17/08/2025 12:50

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:49

I don’t mean genuine boundaries. I mean when the language of boundaries gets used to justify being selfish or cruel. Same with “living your truth”, sometimes it’s just dressing up bad behaviour in empowerment terms.

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But you aren’t giving any actual examples so how can anyone actually judge

Original poster
WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:49

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 17/08/2025 12:43

What exactly is the poor behaviour though, what is being excused by using those phrases? Is it really poor behaviour or women setting boundaries and not accepting shite

I don’t mean genuine boundaries. I mean when the language of boundaries gets used to justify being selfish or cruel. Same with “living your truth”, sometimes it’s just dressing up bad behaviour in empowerment terms.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 17/08/2025 12:47

WryCoralCritic · 17/08/2025 12:45

I mean things like rudeness being brushed off as ‘boundaries’ or selfishness reframed as ‘empowerment.’ That sort of thing.

Show quote history

Again, be more specific. Are you expecting a woman to drop their own plans / needs / do something for someone else without argument, and in them saying no you take as selfishness?

is saying no rude?

what sort of thing?