DH's inability to leave me alone!

Could be extravert behaviour - needing someone always around to "bounce" off. Or narcisism - where's my supply gone?

If it was me, it would be anxiety causing me to check that you were ok.

I suspect he's more like my late mum, who was incapable of leaving people alone. She'd pounce on anyone entering the room, talking at them and following them around. It was partly control and partly that she was incapable of entertaining herself and she needed other people to fill the empty void in her mind. If your DH is like that then I don't know how you cope. I strongly believe that my dad went deaf as a coping mechanism.

Tell him to stop yelling up the stairs.

Since he doesn't do it when you two are alone, it looks like it's a subtle form of pressure to finish up and go watch those kids. He's not directly saying it, he's trying to get you to feel like you're taking too long. You say he's quite tidy, he feels you're "goofing off" instead of doing your job being the default parent. He's acting like he's your boss and policing your "break time" from work.

What are you pushing back on in his behaviour with your son?

I make it very clear I’m not answering from another room or floor even if I can hear.

Make a joke out of it, so he can’t get arsey.

Tell him you’re going for a shower and won’t be back until you are ready and he isn’t to call out the Mounties.
Going for a shower and I may be a while but not to worry, I won’t melt… get washed down the drain… etc.

And have a rule about shouting up the stairs- as long as you can follow it yourself- you don’t shout up the stairs to the DC either.

I used to announce I was going to my room and I didn’t want anyone to come and disturb me unless there was blood or vomit involved.

That's exactly what I reckon it is.
Tell him it's winding you up, and tell him he should be more confident in his abilities to look after the kids/sort the washing out 😁

🤣🤣 🤣

Tell him you need time alone, and how long you'll be gone, then go up to your bedroom/wherever and shut the door. Rinse and repeat. Worked with my DH, who is much more extroverted than I am. He now understands I need time to recharge my batteries.

"Husband, can you please stop checking up on me every time I'm out of your sight for five minutes, it's really odd and it's irritating me. If I'm going somewhere, I'll tell you. If I'm in the house, I don't expect to be shouted."

I don’t think this is a ‘me’ problem for you

in my book it is simply not ok for one adult to shout for another (unless fir help in an emergency) and it’s really not ok for him to get annoyed if you don’t answer. Does he think you are his ‘human support appliance’ , could that be it? As you have indicated he does it when he had the children then that might indeed be it.

I don’t like the way you are the default parent and that you are adapting your behaviour to prevent his being annoyed

you know what this is, don’t you?. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck... then that’s what it is.

State what you want or what your intention is. “I’ve had the kids all day and I’m going for a bath/read on the bed/listen to some music for an hour, have some peace”.

My husband is an extrovert so doesn’t need or want peace or time alone whereas I’m the opposite, early on I had to explain it’s not a slight, just how I recharge my batteries.

Having said that he hates doing a chore around the house if everyone else is being idle and it will really put him in a grump so I anticipate it by saying “you do your thing, I’m going to do xyz and we’ll meet in an hour for a movie, okay?” Then he’s perfectly happy.

Yes this, he doesn't want to look after children.

Some people are just like this. I've just stayed with my dad and he is always wanting to know what people are doing or commenting. His partner is the same.
My mum and her partner also micromanage each other a bit.
Me and my dh are quite independent of each other in comparison thankfully

There, you have your answer - you’re the default parent, who needs to squeeze in basic needs when it doesn’t inconvenience him.

Absolutely fine! You?

My husband does this.

This is combined with him dumping an entire verbal download of every small detail of the day he has ahead of him, including what route he's taking to get to work and why, what's he's eating for lunch, the latest on his parents' health complaints, the issue with his car and how he intends to fix it, what his shift pattern is looking like for next week versus what he thought it might look like etc etc ETC!!

He also likes to ask me inane questions on top: "If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" The other day I answered: "No idea, let's not worry about it".

It makes me feel mentally unwell and like my brain's going to explode.

I said to him the other day "STOP following me around. I really need you to leave me alone for 1 HOUR so I can watch a tv programme in peace".

This is not a you problem.

I’d be having this out with him. It is a very bad, very controlling habit.

I imposed a rule that no-one was allowed to talk to me unless they were in the same room. Yelling for somebody should be an absolute last resort tacked onto the end of a sentence like "the house is on fire".

So you need to clarify - does he do it all the time even when it’s just the two of you in which case he has separation issues and genuinely doesnt know what to do with himself when alone. If it when he’s left alone with the kids it’s totally different - he feels he’s done his ‘bit’ and it’s your turn to come back and take back over ‘your job’. Both are very different.

Yeah he’s chasing you because he’s had the DC alone or is doing a chore ON HIS OWN and you’re supposed to be there to do it.

You dont need to reply if you are busy. Also you dont need to shout up and down stairs. He can come to you if he wants to speak to you.

But it sounds like the issue is much bigger. And that he needs you to actually leave the house for several hours with no phone while he does some parenting.