Leave 11 year old alone 20 minutes?

I'm glad, because often reading MN it gives the impression people don't think leaving a NT 11 year old alone is normal

I agree that it depends on the child.

A couple of months after her 11th birthday my daughter was travelling to school independently (walk to station, train, change platform to second train and then walk to school). A couple of times a week she was alone in the house for an hour before I got home from work.

In an emergency she would have gone to a neighbour who used to be her childminder and who still looked after her younger sister after school.

Try it and see, make sure you explain how long you will be gone. Maybe just be gone 5 minutes the first time, if that's OK, try 10 minutes, etc.

I think you need to have clear rules and start small. I'd keel the rules on the fridge and front door. I would start with 5 minutes about build up. 5 mincing Drem lime a long time when you ate alone and anxious.

This.

No SEN here but judge it by the child, my 12yo stays at home alone for anything up to 2-3 hours fairly regularly and has done for well over a year. 9yo has also stayed at home with her once for 15 mins or so. You have to start somewhere and popping to the shops is ideal.

ps I’m in my 40s and have never called 999, no one knows what they will do in an emergency until they’re facing it, life experience teaches you these things and only independence will give them that life experience.

I think the special needs part is very relevant here. My 11 year old is left for way more than 20 mins but there are rules and she's happy and fairly sensible. Has a phone and one of me or dh is a 10 min walk away. If she was at special school, I'd be very reluctant but only you know your child.

I think a 20 min pop to the shop is the perfect start to independence. Make sure they know not to answer the door, use the microwave etc etc and is competent with a phone to contact you or 999 etc. I'm assuming they won't panic with you gone or if you take longer than expected.

@Onlycoffee4

surely you tell them if they want that thing for tea that you don’t have in then they have to go with you to supermarket to buy it? Or they can go without and make do with that food you do have in.

If they're up for it, and you've done a little risk assessment in your head
Ie. Can they contact you if needed (my dd could call me via Alexa before she had a phone)
Would they know what to do in fire or flood
What if someone rang the bell (I tell mine not to answer; and I have a ring doorbell)
Would they have someone else to contact if you didn't come back eg. Due to an accident. Perhaps a neighbour or someone else they can call.

He’s 11 so give him a choice

you say he won’t come with you with - he’s 11 - so tell him

he either goes with you or you go alone and he’s in his own for 20mins or so

Once upon a time? That still happens now, for many families. Childcare doesn’t really exist for secondary aged kids so if both parents are at work then they have to let themselves in after school.
I leave my 11 year old for much longer periods than 20 mins, but it entirely depends on the child and their ability to cope.

In our area, children can walk home from school from Y5, and most of them do it in Y6. So I suppose after school they stay home alone for much longer than that.

Totally agree with this. Introduce it, bit by bit. You can reassure each other that actually - that was ok. This is do-able.

From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he is ready yet.

DS is 15 and as a result of his additional needs still can’t be left alone safely. It’s a pain at times but it is what it is!

"Once upon a time..."??

you know your child best op, since he attends a SEN school due to his social needs it is a different scenario than many would be familiar with.

My ASD, socially immature 13yr, attends an independent school for kids with Autism, couldn’t manage mainstream. I started out just before secondary, leaving them for short periods. Obviously had the conversation about what to do, we have safe neighbours who know the child (London eh?!), they were usually engrossed in tech and barely noticed. They were also fine about being alone for this time.

check with ur child, none of us can say but yr child can be given the choice, come to shops with me, 30 mins max or home alone for 30mins, your choice.
if neither are ok, then crack on as you were, you were doing that for a reason.

Do you have ASD? Other SN?

How does he feel about it? If he’s ok then leave him. It will be good practice to get him used to coping on his own. Give him written instructions as to what to do in an emergency and try it. What are you worried might happen while you are out?

There's no 'of course' about leaving a child with SN.

she does have a choice, several, shop a proper shop when he's at school or when DH is at home, just be more organised with shopping.

That “once-upon-a-time”’ is today!

Years ago it would have been much younger kids left alone for longer. I certainly was, and my mum was always reckoned to be over-protective!

I would OP, but realise your son means you’re more nervous than most. I’d start at going to a five minute walk first and see how that goes, and build up confidence for both of you… and quickly build up to 20.

how does your child feel about it?
can they wait in the car?

Can you build it up? Start by a five minute walk, and then ten minutes and then fifteen minutes. Do each stage for a week or so before the next. You don’t even have to go far, just out of sight, to a neighbour etc. so if they freak, you can get back.

Why can’t you do a weekly/twice weekly online Tesco delivery shop? Surely this is more sensible than using Just Eat!!