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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my partner?

134 replies

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 22:09

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

OP posts:
ThisCyanPoet · 16/08/2025 23:13

You need to change all your passwords, remove the location tracking and never see him again.

These volatile mood swings are clearly already changing who you are. You shouldn’t have to lie out of fear of a reaction from someone who is supposed to love you.

You haven’t actually done anything wrong, yet you are now bending over backwards to earn back his trust. He has serious issues with harmful behaviour and will always find a reason not to trust you as he knows this is the way to control you.

These are major red flags and staying with him any longer just drags out the inevitable because you already know that you can’t make him part of your daughter’s life in the future.

Ditch him and go celebrate at the spa! X

Olive567 · 16/08/2025 23:04

See how the things that are wrong are all your fault? You've broken his trust. You've hurt him. He's got you doubting yourself through guilt.
No! He is the problem. He sounds awful with his unpredicable moods. He's controlling and gaslighting you. There are huge red flags in your OP. How on earth has he got you to share your phone access and passwords? You need to listen to the responses in this thread and get out.

Muttley17 · 16/08/2025 22:59

“passwords, access to my phone, location sharing” No way would I ever divulge these to someone with such obvious unfounded distrust in me

JLou08 · 16/08/2025 22:56

You lie because you are scared of his reaction.
He wants to stop you spending time with your mum and friends with some ridiculous idea of spas being sexual. Has he ever even been to a spa? There is nothing at all sexual about a spa.
This man is abusive and he is gasslighting you to think you're in the wrong.

MJ1980 · 16/08/2025 22:52

Sounds like the start of him being controlling!

Dontlletmedownbruce · 16/08/2025 22:52

He sees spas as sexual?? Wtf?? I've been missing out on some sexy spa experiences apparently because i can't think of anything less sexual than a spa. Can you imagine what he thinks of a girls trip to the Algarve, or a night out clubbing in the nearest city. He sounds like he is likely to become very controlling. Do not take heed, choose the spa.

jolies1 · 16/08/2025 22:51

Get rid, this is a major red flag. Honestly spas are about the least sexual thing ever. Slouching around in a robe and slippers in no makeup, awkwardly trying to give yourself enough room in the fancy Himalayan salt room or eucalyptus steam room or whatever and then rushing out when you overheat!

I went with my husband once thinking it would be a bit romantic, he fell asleep 20 mins in & I explored the rest of it by myself!

HappySummerDays · 16/08/2025 22:51

Why are you even with this arsehole?
Your daughter has one childhood - don’t wreck it by inflicting this man on her.

marsormaui · 16/08/2025 22:49

If you feel like it's bad to say no to him, it will remain very hard not to lie to protect yourself from having to choose between saying no to him or giving up something you value. So while you're both framing this as his difficulty trusting you after you lied, your lying itself reflected your difficulty trusting him to accept your no. Your distrust predated his.

That might be something more about you & your previous experiences than about him, but based on his attitude to spa days I wonder if you were correctly intuiting that your options were tell him white lies or give up your autonomy / activities that don't centre him etc?

If you think the relationship is worth it, practise saying no to him a lot & sticking to it - you both need to learn you're allowed to have boundaries. Stick to your guns, even about trivial things, for a few months. If he can't take that - if the only ways to stay in the relationship with him are giving up things that matter to you & don't affect him (like the spa days) or lying to him - get out of there. If he responds to your increased openness by accepting / embracing your increased assertiveness, great.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/08/2025 22:48

Dump the looser and enjoy a visit to the spa to get over it, problem solved

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2025 22:46

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 22:09

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

Get him out of your life. No good relationship ever came from being with an angry, unpredictable man.

RobertaFirmino · 16/08/2025 22:44

Call the council and book a bulky item collection. They'll collect this man and take him to the tip so you don't have to fanny around doing it yourself.

MySweetMaggie · 16/08/2025 22:43

My opinion is that he is testing you to see how much control you will give him. You've already given him access to your phone, your location etc and how he's moving to the next stage of seeing how much he can cut you off from outside activities / friends. I could be wrong, but this feels like he could be very abusive if you continue in a relationship with him and also turn nasty when you try to break it off.

Zanzara · 16/08/2025 22:40

He sounds manipulative and controlling OP. Not somebody you want in your life.

newyearsresolurion · 16/08/2025 22:37

Controlling awful man

Comedycook · 16/08/2025 22:36

Run. He sounds horrendous to be with. Spas are sexual? Wtaf

BySassyGreenPanda · 16/08/2025 22:36

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 22:21

Thanks for the replies so far. Just to point out, I have no plans to bring him into my daughter’s life. The relationship has been providing me with some joy and respite outside of my parenting life but the balance has started to tip.

Edited

Thankfully you don't see him as a long term option. Just get rid now. I think you're nearly there anyway x

InterestedDad37 · 16/08/2025 22:35
  1. Don't let his ignorance and prejudices spoil something which gives you pleasure (the spa)
  2. Volatility of mood does not bode well - don't let that into your life, despite whatever other enjoyment you've been getting from the relationship so far. Huge red flag 🚩
notacooldad · 16/08/2025 22:34

You are being absolutely ridiculous if you stay in this relationship.
If I had to spell out why, I'll be typing all night.

Takenoprisoner · 16/08/2025 22:31

unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions

This is all I needed to read to know you need to end the relationship with him. Now.

You've only been with him A YEAR and he's already messing with your head where you're telling white lies and tripping yourself up. Now he's starting to control you. It doesn't matter whether he's around your dd or not, the fact he's in YOUR life means he's already in your daughter's life by proxy. Because he's got into your head.

This is potentially a very dangerous man.

End it as safely as possible, by keeping it neutral, no blame, no explanations. Just, 'sorry, it's not working for me'. Then you need to do the Freedom Programme.

Mamabearandcubs · 16/08/2025 22:31

He sounds awful!!

BySassyGreenPanda · 16/08/2025 22:28

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me

This is how he controls you. Keeps you on the back foot as you never know when he will explode.

Trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him

His reactions are so extreme that you are lying to protect yourself from him.

It’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He's turned this back on you. OP it's not the lies that are the problem. It's him.

Knock this on the head. It won't stop or improve. He'll have you running in circles 'earning' back his trust. He'll weaponise this whenever he needs to pull you back in line.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/08/2025 22:28

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He has told/shown you he is volatile, controlling and jealous and yet you tip toe around him and walk on eggshells so you don’t upset him.

No. Just no.

Bin him off. The whole threats about suicide is a way to manipulate you and get you to behave as he wants you to.

Get rid of him and live happily ever after.

Headingforthsun · 16/08/2025 22:25

He sounds awful. Of course you should go to a spa if you want. Get rid of this man.

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 16/08/2025 22:25

Of course he shouldn't stop you from going to a spa with a friend! I'm a bit concerned about you and your DD being with this 'volatile' man.

Edited to add: cross post with you about your DD.