To say no to my partner?

The fact you have to tiptoe around your partner, white lies to cover what you think he won't want to hear, and then ask on here....no, this is not a good relationship.

You want one where, for example, just as in my life in this past couple of months, you can go for lunch with a former workmate, call round to see a friend - someone you first knew 40+ years ago, and go for breakfast with someone that you are very good friends with, but haven't seen in ages just because it's time for a catch up, and in all instances a) you've told your partner/husband (and he thinks it's a good idea and about time you had a catch up with your friends) and b) the above just happen to be all male. DH not so interested in coming along too these days, but he has done from time to time, because often we talk about people he doesn't know and things that happened that he wasn't part of, especially when with the former workmate as there is still a lot of workplace gossip.

Change your passwords and dump the guy.

In the early stages of a relationship, controlling men work very hard to let their controlling streak not bubble to the surface. They test the waters, to see what and how much you put up with. They wait until you are more invested in this relationship and then their controlling behaviour will creep up steadily. This is what is happening to you.

He’s already trampling over your boundaries.

You’re scared of his volatile reactions.

He’s stopping you spending time with friends and family, using absolute bullshit reasons.

This is not a joyful, healthy relationship.

OP, you obviously can’t quite see it yet, but everything you have described is exactly how coercive and controlling relationships work. It will get worse and worse, and will affect your daughter in the end too.

Please, please, leave this abusive man ASAP.

Why are you offering passwords etc to a man who is only some respite from parenting?

Why are you considering stopping spa days to keep the peace with a man who you only want on the edge of your life?

If he's just a bit of fun then he doesn't get to impact on the rest of your life. If you're considering more with a man who is volatile and controlling then you will have much bigger problems than missing a spa day.

This. Tbh it's worrying that these obvious red flags have not put you off!

Why are you putting up with this? Volatile moods and anger is no place for a child, your child, and he’s acting like a big man child not someone with adhd.
if you like spa dats go in the spa day if he wants to check it out he can go along with you.
you shouldn’t need to lie to him just to do something you like doing.

He is trying to exert control. Slowly but surely. Making you feel like there is reason to doubt you for doing something entirely innocent. He's hoping you cancel just to avoid the hassle/ accusations. This is what abusers do. They isolate you and then abuse you. This has nothing to do with ADHD.

Oh dear. YOU are not being unreasonable. HE is. YOU tip-toe around his feelings. HE doesn’t give a sh1t about yours. The guy doesn’t have ADHD. He’s a bad tempered control freak. Bin him - NOW. Enjoy your spa sesh. And book an extra treatment as a reward for putting yourself first. Make it a habit 💯

How on earth is any of this fair on the child you chose to have, and why do women keep on choosing this? men are good at hiding and the red flags are never there, since when?

Do you want your child to grow up and do the same?

I don’t think this is the right man to raise your daughter around . He sounds too volatile and having to give up private passwords to ease his suspicions is too much .

’accountability and repair’?? He’s ‘hurt’ so you have to forego personal freedom?
OP please change all your passwords. Switch off location sharing. That’s absolutely appalling, and it isn’t normal to be made to feel you have to do any of that.
He sounds awful and it definitely isn’t anything to do with ADHD.

Btw, your description of the ‘white lies’ you’ve told and your shame over them and how much they hurt him just scream control. Men like this will use the slightest leverage they can get to increase their stranglehold. They’ll blow something minor up into ‘deep hurt’ and ‘trust issues’ and make you feel you’ve done something so wrong you need to tie yourself in knots to regain their confidence - which is how I bet he got access to all your personal information and started the device sharing shite. If he’s not started on your clothing yet, he will. First it’ll be the cold shoulder if you go out somewhere looking (in his mind) too attractive. Which will result in a row, but “it’s only because he loves you so much and feels so lucky to be with you that he can’t stand the thought of other men looking at you”. So you’ll stop wearing that dress, even though you love it. And on and on it goes.

These shitty, smothering men weaponise their insecurities and make you feel solely responsible for their emotional regulation, boxing you in tighter and tighter until there’s nothing left of you - at which point you’ll be second guessing whether you should even be setting foot outside the door without him, let alone taking yourself off for a spa day.

So you’ve been with this bloke for 12 months and already you:

• tiptoe around him and tell ‘white lies’ in order to manage his moods;
• are aware of his volatile side and moderate your behaviour in order not to provoke it;
• have handed over personal devices and private information such as your passwords;
• have allowed him to track your location;
• are considering giving up a harmless pastime you enjoy because this fucking idiot bizarrely thinks spas are ‘sexual’ (what the hell does he think people do in there?!)

And you’re wondering whether you’re the unreasonable one, OP? Can’t you see how totally insane all this is, and what a future with this person might actually look like? FFS get out now.

Throw this one back OP. Chalk it up to a rebound relationship, block him and move on.

This! Controlling OH's do it so slyly, you don't realize until it's too late. It starts with they don't feel comfortable you going someone with a friend (usually under the guise of 'they worry about you being safe,' that gets you all confused and start to distance yourself from friends. Then they start on causing rifts with your familial relationships. Before you know it, you are completely cut off and trapped with a monster. I speak from experience.
Cut him off now, change all your passwords, any security information so he can't hack into your accounts, and revoke location sharing.

He thinks women going on spa days are going there for sex?! He thinks you and your mum go to sex spas together? He thinks he, a man who hasn’t been to a spa, knows what they’re about more than you, a woman who has been? No he does not, come on. He just doesn’t want you going out and enjoying yourself 🚩🚩🚩

Run, but change your passwords and access to your location etc. This is coercive control.

I’m almost positive you could find some joy and respite with someone who is less volatile 🤷🏼

you sound like you’re treading on eggshells a bit and it’s simply not worth it.

F*ck that. Slippery slope this - especially from a man telling you who to see and when. Steer clear or firmly tell him your will not controlled. Or leave if he disagrees. Especially if you have children.

Why would you ever think this was ok? If you're in doubt, contact a domestic abuse call-line and they'll probably tell you to run a mile.

Get rid of this bozo. Red flag central.

He wants you to give up something that gives you the most joy.

Read that back to yourself.

Tell him to jog on.

You should break up…

What spas has he been to is what is be wondering?