To say no to my partner?

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 2025-08-16T21:09:58+00:00

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot. He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future. He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places. I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing. So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is ^he^ BU for asking this?

CuriousKangaroo · 21/08/2025 21:50

I’m so pleased you saw through him and left him, OP. Best of luck for the future.

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 21/08/2025 17:29

I bet one of the things you felt you had to lie about was number of sexual partners you've had.

Comtesse · 21/08/2025 17:13

He is no loss. The end.

Onthebusses · 21/08/2025 17:10

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 21/08/2025 14:15

@Onthebusses thank you for taking the time to reply. I have ended it now and I agree wholeheartedly with you.

re the spa thing - I think he thinks they are some sort of sexy beach club where women parade around in ibiza-style bikinis for the attention of men. Plus some very repulsive evolutionary biology/psychology thrown in too. It is bizarre to me. What I found more worrying is that he has never been to a spa but completely discounted my (as someone who has been to lots of spas) description of them as peaceful places, mostly frequented by tired, 30+ women who would rather keep the fluffy robe on all day. Either I was a liar or… I don’t know what. But there was no chance I could have been right in his eyes! Misogyny, mansplaining, etc etc

Well done to you! He sounds very strange. Your life can only improve from here on out.

Original poster

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 21/08/2025 14:15

@Onthebusses thank you for taking the time to reply. I have ended it now and I agree wholeheartedly with you.

re the spa thing - I think he thinks they are some sort of sexy beach club where women parade around in ibiza-style bikinis for the attention of men. Plus some very repulsive evolutionary biology/psychology thrown in too. It is bizarre to me. What I found more worrying is that he has never been to a spa but completely discounted my (as someone who has been to lots of spas) description of them as peaceful places, mostly frequented by tired, 30+ women who would rather keep the fluffy robe on all day. Either I was a liar or… I don’t know what. But there was no chance I could have been right in his eyes! Misogyny, mansplaining, etc etc

OP posts:

Onthebusses · 21/08/2025 11:15

Forgive me if I am wrong but I recognise that you're being micromanaged and feeling like everything you do is wrong so you're seeking his approval in the smallest things. Going to a spa is a normal thing to do and your partner doesn't have a say in how you unwind day to day.

The fact you think his opinion has any baring at all is concerning.

These little white lies, I doubt they were meaningful either. But he's leveraged them as a reason for him to have more control over the way you move through life. He was probably very happy you told those little white lies because now he can bear down on you like this.

Questioning yourself, your every move, who with, where? Why?

He's trying to trap you into feeling like he owns you and it seems he's already come a good way towards his goal.

As for seeing spas as sexual places. The only spas that are sexual places are seedy parlours where women and girls are trafficked to sexually gratify balding misogynists. So I'd be very interested in how he came to hold such a view.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/08/2025 10:13

Well done @GenerallyVeryUnreasonable, the best decision. He would have continued to control and isolate you. So glad you’ve been able to get out. It’s brilliant you have recognised the signs and got rid. Be proud of yourself! I hope you can find somebody worthy of you when you’re ready to do so.

Olive567 · 21/08/2025 06:44

Well done OP!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/08/2025 22:22

This is great news, well done OP. This is the best thing about MN in my opinion. When you’re in the relationship these things sneak up on you so slowly. It’s the frog in the slowly boiling pot analogy, one tiny compromise at a time that doesn’t seem significant in the moment that slowly build to the point where the situation has become abusive. So hard to be sure from the inside, but dozens of women on the internet seeing the situation from the outside gives you the validation you need when you’re doubting your own judgement. Best wishes for the future OP. You won’t be putting up with that shit again! 😀

MySweetMaggie · 20/08/2025 21:06

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 20/08/2025 18:57

Thanks for all the replies. It is over and I’ve told him what I think of him. Namely, abusive and misogynistic. Blocked everywhere.

Believe it or not, I am an intelligent and capable woman, but these things creep up on you very slowly and there is so much mind-fuckery that you cannot see the wood for the trees. There are also good times amongst it all, making it even harder.

He very much had me in a position where I was the guilty party and always having to work hard to fix whatever I was guilty of. This definitely ramped up the more I tried to set boundaries about how I would be spoken to etc (eg shouting, swearing). Then he stopped shouting, but upped the guilt trips and ultimatums, which is confusing because, on the surface, it looks as if someone is making and effort to change and respect your boundaries, when really they have just changed tact.

But anyway, thank you all again for taking the time and the care to reply.

I'm glad to hear that you're safe and away from him. Men like this often reel you back in with changed behaviour. Don't fall for it!

Pictures50 · 20/08/2025 20:49

Well done.
Be careful.
He sounds unhinged.
Do not hesitate to call the police, paticularly if he threatens to self harm.
The police are well use to abusive men trying to use thrests of self harm to control ex's.

Ring the police immediately and hand it over to them.
Well done you.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 20/08/2025 20:19

Bravo, you can reclaim your own life now and do whatever the hell you please - you’re free.

myplace · 20/08/2025 19:14

Well done. That can’t have been easy, but you did it.

hattie43 · 20/08/2025 19:01

Well done , I hope you are ok OP. Once the dust has settled you’ll be really pleased you took decisive action .

Original poster

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 20/08/2025 18:57

Thanks for all the replies. It is over and I’ve told him what I think of him. Namely, abusive and misogynistic. Blocked everywhere.

Believe it or not, I am an intelligent and capable woman, but these things creep up on you very slowly and there is so much mind-fuckery that you cannot see the wood for the trees. There are also good times amongst it all, making it even harder.

He very much had me in a position where I was the guilty party and always having to work hard to fix whatever I was guilty of. This definitely ramped up the more I tried to set boundaries about how I would be spoken to etc (eg shouting, swearing). Then he stopped shouting, but upped the guilt trips and ultimatums, which is confusing because, on the surface, it looks as if someone is making and effort to change and respect your boundaries, when really they have just changed tact.

But anyway, thank you all again for taking the time and the care to reply.

OP posts:

MooDengOfThailand · 19/08/2025 14:29

He goes in the bin.
You can't be this desperate for a man, surely?

Who cares if he's got ADHD.

ADHD is hereditary, by the way, so if you have kids with him, there's a good chance he'll pass it on.

LittleGwyneth · 19/08/2025 13:41

I totally get how intoxicating it is to have some love and distraction after a divorce, and it can be tempting to let yourself believe that this is the only person you could have a relationship with. But realistically there will easily be other men, men who aren't controlling or potentially a risk to you. Difficult as it is, curtail this, take a breather and then enjoy the process of dating to meet someone who is normal about this stuff.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/08/2025 13:31

Swiftie1878 · 19/08/2025 12:30

Well, you haven’t helped yourself with your lies, but given that you can’t take those back, he either has to agree to forgive and work through any residual trust issues, or you need to split.
Him becoming a controlling, moody, unpleasant partner is not going to fix the damage your lies did. It’s going to make matters worse where the trust will be gone on both sides.

Have a chat about his concerns, see if you can rationalise things with him, then make a decision.
I’d preparing for a split if I were you.

No. She doesn’t need to repair this. She needs to run away as fast as she can 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Swiftie1878 · 19/08/2025 12:30

Well, you haven’t helped yourself with your lies, but given that you can’t take those back, he either has to agree to forgive and work through any residual trust issues, or you need to split.
Him becoming a controlling, moody, unpleasant partner is not going to fix the damage your lies did. It’s going to make matters worse where the trust will be gone on both sides.

Have a chat about his concerns, see if you can rationalise things with him, then make a decision.
I’d preparing for a split if I were you.

SirBasil · 19/08/2025 12:19

i don't think you sound compatible. Find someone who you won't lie to and who will trust you.

BySassyGreenPanda · 19/08/2025 12:18

BauhausOfEliott · 19/08/2025 12:04

When you say you 'broke his trust' - in what way? I assume you didn't actually cheat on him? Were the lies you told the kind of lies that you tell someone so they just stop badgering you about something? For example - my ex was abusive (violently so) and I knew that if I went for even one drink with colleagues after work, he would kick off if there were male colleagues there. So I would lie and tell him it was only a couple of female colleagues. Sure, I was lying to him - but I was lying to him because he was completely fucking nuts and it was the only way I could ever do normal, harmless stuff.

Your partner sounds a lot like this and frankly, you should ditch him. Now. In fact you should have ditched him ages ago. He's a controlling, unstable prick.

It sounds like a similar situation.

I've been there as well. It's exhausting. Even if there's nothing to find, they'll pick at a detail and make an issue. It's what they do. They like abusing their partners, that's why you can't win. You're not supposed to. It's not constructive criticism to help to grow as a person. It's full on abuse to break you.

As I often say here, these men do not think like you do.

BauhausOfEliott · 19/08/2025 12:04

When you say you 'broke his trust' - in what way? I assume you didn't actually cheat on him? Were the lies you told the kind of lies that you tell someone so they just stop badgering you about something? For example - my ex was abusive (violently so) and I knew that if I went for even one drink with colleagues after work, he would kick off if there were male colleagues there. So I would lie and tell him it was only a couple of female colleagues. Sure, I was lying to him - but I was lying to him because he was completely fucking nuts and it was the only way I could ever do normal, harmless stuff.

Your partner sounds a lot like this and frankly, you should ditch him. Now. In fact you should have ditched him ages ago. He's a controlling, unstable prick.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 19/08/2025 11:15

You are sleepwalking into a controlling relationship.

Throw this one back.

for the future: No man needs to know your passwords.

BySassyGreenPanda · 19/08/2025 11:12

Thisisntme1 · 19/08/2025 11:09

Why on earth have you given him passwords and access to your phone after only a year in a relationship, when you don’t even live together

Because she has to 'earn' back his trust. Of course she never will. This is a gift to a man like this. He can wheel this out whenever he wants to control her.

This relationship should have ended as soon as the first replies to this thread started coming in.

Thisisntme1 · 19/08/2025 11:09

Why on earth have you given him passwords and access to your phone after only a year in a relationship, when you don’t even live together