Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

I’m going to retire 5 years or more before DH , he has made the odd crack about me doing x y z when I retire but I’ve told him straight I’ll be doing what I want. I’ve never made a joke to him about it infact I’m very focussed on making a plan for him to try to go earlier to join me.

Yes dear
I'm looking forward to it too. You'll be responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, house admin, car admin and house & garden maintenance for five years until I retire and we split it equally.

It'll be so much easier working and having all that taken care of.

Bet it hasn't even crossed his mind that he should do those things while you work - start setting out uour expectations now so they're not a surprise when he retires.

He is older so why wouldn't he? And there is lots of women who do nothing long before men retire

No. Dh is 14 years older than me and I’ll be so happy when he retires. It might cheer the miserable twat up but also I like the idea of him not having to work.

I work term time only. I absolutely joke with him about the fact I’ll be in bed whilst he’s working.

It sounds like you’re pretty miserable. Relationships shouldn’t be like this!

This😂

I'm not sure what the problem is. He's older than you so he's got every right to retire earlier. You will have started work later than him and will probably live beyond him. That's life and what always happens when there's an age difference. Lighten up it's just a joke!

My DH is younger than me. I assume we will retire together.

I think you’re being a bit precious and looking to be offended.

He is 5yrs older and will have a shorter retirement than you because men die earlier than women.

He also has had no break from working full time his entire adult life, unlike you who “prioritised the children until they reached adulthood” which implies you were part time for what 20yrs? You think you’re burnt out? Put yourself in his shoes.

Stop being so defensive.

This is true, but he is still 5 years older than she is and so he likely has an average 5 fewer years left to live than she does; probably more than that, considering the differences in male and female life expectancy.

As enjoyable as retirement can very frequently be, the whole reason why people retire is because, to put it bluntly, their abilities are starting to slow down - before long rendering them incapable of doing paid work reliably - and will continue doing so until they die.

Without wanting to sound pessimistic, you have to be realistic and accept the twin facts that retirement is the (hopefully very long and healthy) happy period of time after your (employed) work has all finished and also the less happy period of time before you die.

On the surface of it, it does sound like he's being insensitive, but it may also be a defence mechanism whereby he realises that he isn't getting any younger and this is a marker of the fact that his remaining time is slowly dwindling - much faster than that of his DW.

Granted 67 isn't especially old, but some people in/approaching their later years start to feel a bit left behind by the world and aware of their limitations; and crowing about their retirement and no longer having to go out to work (and/or their wisdom and experience in life) is their trump card that they will often play, realising that, on balance, they don't otherwise hold an especially good hand in life anymore when compared to a young adult who has it all still to come.

I'd point out that you won't have enough annual leave to do any long holidays until you're both retired and he'll be old and decrepit by the time you have retired so may not get the best out of them. Then suggest perhaps you should retire early, especially as you put more into the house initially. I'm about as subtle as a brick though...

@bumbaloo I wonder how much extra he was contributing financially whilst she was "prioritising children until they reached adulthood"? From this do we assume she was working part time whilst he was working full time?

Are married couples really keeping tally of their financial contributions from over 30 years ago? Lots of couples have financial disparity throughout a long marriage.

As I said, they should see a financial planner to help work out what is the best age for both of them to retire based on their personal pensions as well as their state pensions. That might mean one of them retires earlier than the other. I think most people are getting pretty pissed off with working by the time they hit 55.

She has already contributed far more than he has if you read the OP. There isn’t sone requirement that both people have to have worked the same number of years.

oP if he dares suggest you can’t retire early just throw back at him that he’s already benefited off you having set him up in housing and accepting him paying off all his debts rather than contributing to savings for years c

I wouldn't want to spend my retirement with someone who doesn't like me.

Tell him that you're looking forward to it too and can't wait to come home to a clean house and a home cooked meal every day.

He’s reached retirement age sooner because he started working earlier, so it’s not unreasonable for him to finish work at the same age you expect to.

However it sounds like you need to have a serious chat about the division of housekeeping under the new arrangement. He needs to realise the only thing he’s retired from is paid work.

If it’s so much of a big deal just retire early? If that isn’t feasible financially, then he can continue working until you can afford to retire together.

it would piss me off too… but sounds like you need to chat about what retirement looks like for both of you.

If your pension brings in at 62 the same as what his brings in at 67 then I don’t see why you should have to work if you are splitting things evenly? I think it would be a bit crap you continuing to work so he could enjoy a nice lifestyle for an additional 5 years and then you retire and have to start cutting back so you can’t enjoy a nice lifestyle, which depending on how your finances are could possibly be how it plays out.

A chat about retirement finances and plans is definitely needed sooner than later otherwise this resentment is going to just build.

What if you drop to part time?
I’d joke back yes looking forward to my cooked dinner and clean house . Il give you pocket money if you are a good husband

Why are you bringing up what you each brought (or didnt bring) to your marriage? You've had a whole life together since then..

None of that is relevant.
He does sound like a bit of an a**, to be honest

But that doesn't change the fact they should both retire at the same age

@FenderStrat because it sounds like he’s a smug so and so who will make her annoyed for years, and the only reason he now has anything and can afford to retire is because she paid for everything at the beginning of their relationship.

You say
oh yes Im so looking forward to you doing all the cleaning and cooking and shopping'
With big smile on your face

Why should she retire earlier than him?

YANBU. He should keep working until you retire, otherwise you’ll be subsidising him.

He’s taking this piss; he had nothing when he met you. Will he pull his weight and do all the house work while youre still working?

What has he brought to your relationship?

It's reasonable to expect someone who loves you, wants what's best for you, and considers you a life partner to back off a bit on habitually making a very specific type of "joke" that you've find upsetting WHEN specifically requested by you. He doesn't need to understand why these comments upset you to take your word that they do and do his little bit to reduce your discomfort. If they are "jokes", they're not important things that he's meaning to communicate, so why not retire them? They're not really effective "jokes" anyway if the only other person hearing them isn't amused.

All that said, it sounds like the root problem is that you feel overstretched with your current obligations, including but probably not limited to your job, and so disheartened by the thought of working another twelve years. Can you do something about that - consider switching jobs, offload some of your non-work responsibilities so you're less tired, etc? For the longer haul, of course the two of you have to decide together how you're going to make things work financially for the rest of your lives, and that may include his working longer or you shorter or both.