Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

But he'll be doing all the grunt work at home surely? Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. so a win for you for the last few years of employment before reverting to 50/50? If he hadn't factored that in you could remind him every time he gets smug.

Time to say that you will be more relaxed when he retires as you will just have to work while he does all the admin, housework, cleaning & cooking.

Does he like his job? Is he respected in his role? I am lucky enough to have a job I enjoy and that I can do part time. I am past formal retirement age but I am honestly a bit horrified by the thought of stopping altogether and just living to consume leisure products such as travel, hobbies etc. It feels a bit like an early death. I wonder if a part of your dh consciously or unconsciously feels the same?

I must say I absolutely 100% get why so many retired people throw themselves into voluntary roles.

Can you (entirely positively and not spitefully!) keep a quiet eye out for things locally that match his talents and interests? And start some more serious conversations about how he will spend his time. Most people I think would prefer to be out and about among other people for part of the week, than lonely and bored at home 8-6, mon-fri while their spouse is working, and it would almost certainly keep him mentally and physically younger for when the time comes that you can join him.

And/or helping with dgc of course, if that is the situation?

I should have highlighted that point to be fair! It made sense in my head 😁

If he’s planning to carry on to 67 that’s enough I think. It’s also enough for you to join him then when you’re 62. Can you afford to do that?
He’s just starting to see the possibility in front of him so it’s on his mind all the time. You have a few years to discuss this. Start getting him used to the idea of you retiring ‘early’ (I personally think 60 is enough).
Don’t retire early out of resentment though. You may prefer having more money and the support of him at home.

I’d be quite excited by my husband doing all the cooking gardening and cleaning while I focus on work. He’d love it too. At the moment it’s shared and it’s a killer. Joke back with him

She doesn't touch on what happened for the years where she prioritised the kids and family over work. Presumably he 'paid her back' by stepping up then?

Oh I see!
Sometimes something can just be a "joke" with no real nastiness behind it.

Thanks for explaining that!

these are unpleasant comments certainly. He will still need to contribute to household snd life expenses out of his retirement income and be spending only his retirement money snd not your income. He’ll have more time to help at home, cooking, shopping, household jobs. All this assumes he is a nice snd fair man (which is possibly a very rare thing).

does he actually have retirement plans?
can be quite overwhelming i would imagine op

Please note I said - Maybe just tell him it's annoying you and why.
It was a joke 🤣

dont worry,
i will find you plenty to keep you busy

and,
i will carry on working just so i dont have to be at home with you!

Christ. If she hates him that much, just divorce.

Sumgly pointing out he's closer to death really isn't a great thing to do. In fact it's vile.

He knows that you pulled him out of a financial hole, you then prioritised the family and now you're doing well at work, and you have a better pension. He's feeling insecure about being older, less financially able etc etc and it sounds to me that you've done a fabulous job. He's putting you down to feel better about himself.
I'm with @MySweetGeorgina you can point out, 'also closer to death dear', or if particularly annoyed, 'I would have retired early if I hadn't sorted out your finances, so pipe down and get out your duster, you need practice'.
Definitely start listing all the DIY jobs that need doing, and the housework jobs he's taking on at retirement, and suggest a part-time job so that he can help you retire early and he can top up his less good pension. Maybe just tell his it's annoying you and why.
Oh and go to Bora Bora, I love this idea!

OP also hasn't mentioned what job her husband does do. It could be a lot more physically demanding and his body simply won't be able to carry on doing some of the work. I've known 3 couples who's DH retired and we're dead within the year. All had manual, hard jobs.

It is kind of funny that he is flexing about being older and therefore statistically closer to dying than you

either “yes dear” him or go with the Bora Bora plan from the first poster which sounds totally like my kind of plan 😎

That all sounds very unMumsnet @BadActingParsley

I’m four years older than DH so will retire earlier. We have talked about him retiring a few years earlier so that we can enjoy our time together travelling. He earns more than me so his pension should be as good if not better than mine by retirement.

OPs relationship sounds poor all round.

@ZuveI’m glad you are enjoying part time work. There is a man in my local Sainsbury’s who is 94 and still works a shift each week. He doesn’t do it for the money. He says he loves the interaction with the public and being part of the store team. Good for him!

I’m 2 years younger than DH. He enjoys work more than I do and earns more, I don’t enjoy work as much and can go at 60 with a decent pension (4 years time). We’ve sat down and looked at finances and discussed what we want to do with our retirement and how to manage travelling plans with a dog …. And also that his parents are starting to need a bit more help….and his kids are going to need financial support to buy a house…

We are looking to see how we can make that all work and it’s likely he’ll stay working part time for a year or two.

but we discussed it as a couple.

Say nothing, just work on and smile. Retiring is the short cut to age. Enjoy your time working with your friends, and go shopping. I am74 working part time in a supermarket. It lightens my week. My mum did the same, just two days a, week in Sainsbury's. She loved it

I think women need to be very, very, very careful, going down the road of ' whoever, contributed more to the pension pot gets the call the shots'.

'Suddenly'?

The government gave between fifteen and twenty five years notice.

I do think the change in women’s retirement age has a lot to do with this. Your retirement ages would have lined up before we suddenly had to work 7 years longer. This really upsets me. Yes men do statistically die a bit younger, but all that means is we end up with less quality time together. I’m in a similar situation of putting more into the house, etc. (And don’t have children, so have worked solidly and for longer). I would love for mine to potter around doing the meals and housework, but I know that won’t happen as he won’t even help when we both work full time. If you can’t afford to retire early then I don’t know what the answer is, but I understand how you feel. It’s the same for me.

He started working before you though, and what did your 'prioritising children til adulthood' actually look like for you and him?

He has reached retirement age first so I don’t understand why this is a surprise to you?! I also don’t understand what you taking the majority of the financial strain early in your marriage has to do with it- are you saying you want him to carry on working so he can put more into the pot to equalise things? If so and as this has been simmering for a long time then best have this discussion soon as it will eat away at you for years to come, and is not entirely fair if you went into it ‘happy to do so’ and now want repayment.

to be blunt, it sounds as though the main reason for the resentment is that you dislike your job and are jealous of him. his comments looking forward to his retirement are highlighting this jealousy and maybe he keeps saying them because you are not happy or supportive in anyway for him looking forward to his retirement and he is not getting the reaction he is seeking from you- he is allowed to be happy about this!! Have you actually spoken to him about what his plans are for retirement? Maybe indulge him a little to talk about hobbies etc he might take up, and things you can do together??

I would take control of your own situation regardless- if you don’t like your job then make a plan to retire early, save what you can in the next few years, sell assets and downsize etc. go part time so you get more free time, or change jobs to something less stressful- then you won’t have to feel jealous and resentful.