Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

Op said she took a step back from management so her salary halved. Not that she took a step back completely so it sounds like she was still working just not in management after putting up all the equity in the house and being married to someone who does no housework and takes the piss. Doesn't sound very even too me!

But she admits that she stepped back financially when the kids were younger, does that not level the playing field?

I think he’s being a twat tbh. It’s not fair if you brought more to the table than him for him to then goad you when he can retire earlier. I would probably start taking my career even more seriously faced with this and pay a shit tonne into your pension and separate your finances. He’ll be jealous to death if you’re busy with work and he’s bored at home with a mediocre pension. Move quietly, watch his face when your pension is much better. You could say something like ‘well it’s sad because it brings home to me the reality that you’ll statistically likely be dead 7 years before me.’

I’m single so leaving it to others to offer relationship advice. I would highly recommend that you do the free online course offered by Rebel Finance School. It’s run by a couple who retired early and share their learnings, they’ve been awarded MBE’s for services to financial education. The course is empowering for anyone whatever their position and will help you assess your own position and goals. It maybe that you could move part time to make things more bearable for you. The course is not selling anything and it’s very accessible learning. The 2025 version is just coming to an end but it’s recorded and available on YouTube so you can watch at your own pace. You might also want to seek some legal advice to understand the likely division of assets if being on your own could be a better option for you… Wishing you well.

Play him at his own game for a while regarding the housework then (if you can bear to), and as another poster said, don’t do any - at least any that has a direct effect on him, ie, only wash and iron your clothes, not his, only wash up your dishes not his, leave the bedding (or decamp to the spare room and only do your own sheets), only dust your chair, etc, etc. See how he feels about that after a while. Tell him you don’t really like housework much either, so you’re cutting down on it by 50% 😂. Seriously though, he needs a good talking to about shared workloads and weight pulling.

Oh gosh so he sees you as wage earner and also a cleaner/housework do-er and probably nurse him too

all whilst he sits back and relaxes?

nice plan mister but I’d be out the door

my husband will retire ten years before me - yes it’s annoying, yes I’m jealous but he has also worked - ten years longer than me

if you’re tired at work then sort that issue, maybe go part time. I don’t think I want to retire too early

For anyone saying this he doesn’t do housework unless I ask he sees it as a waste of life.

OP do you even want to retire with him? Years more of him putting his feet up while you do the housework?

My DH is 10 years older than me. So he is retired while I am not. This seems fair. He has worked for longer than me. We do joke about it when I bring him tea in bed in the morning! He does a lot of the housework during the week which is great.

I seriously think you need to reset both of your expectations for when you both retire together. For me it would be irrelevant DH feels he is wasting his time doing housework unless we decided to pay to outsource.
Good you have agreed to retire together but now reset the housework rota.

The original idea of the different ages was so that men and women could retire together as men tended to marry women younger than themselves. In today’s world where so many women work at the same jobs as men and share domestic duties it probably isn’t justified. But women who retired at sixty rarely stopped working. They were the backbone of many charities and often took on extra duties caring for elderly parents and grandparents

And you’ve got to remember that being told in your forties that the retirement age was changing didn’t give women enough time to accrue a reasonable private pension. When I was a young mum I was not permitted to pay into a private pension while I was sahm for my children. I have thus only had half the time my husband had to build up a pension. It feels very unfair that it was done the way it was. A much fairer way would have been to equalise the retirement age at say 63 before raising it very gradually. But of course there was no money for that.

Lucky you for marrying an older man, who isn't as old as some. You could have five years of life with the perfect home help if you play your cards right.

Tell him you are really looking forward to his retiring first.

You don't have to tell him how you expect to have a clean house to come home to, and a lovely hot meal on the table waiting for you. That might make him get another job.

If you use public transport you could even get him to meet you at the bus stop or station.

He would be free to do the shopping too. Imagine how that might improve your life? More time to relax, you could be the envy of working wives everywhere.

It could be a really lovely life for you with that attitude. You might come home to a kitchen where everything is rearranged, but does that matter?

Obviously that seriously disrupts the plans you had which is a bummer😣
But is there really any justification for women to have a younger retirement age than men?

My DH is five years older than me. When we married we had expectations of retiring at the same time. The government put paid to that idea.

Make it clear to him that when you are the only one working you will expect to come home to a clean house and a cooked dinner every day. That should give him
pause for thought.

Give him a list every morning of what he needs to do when you leave for work. He thinks looking after the house is "a waste of life" but having a lie in and watching daytime TV isn't? He is very strange.

If anybody sent up to their partner, I'd expect them to divorce them.Then immediately take half their pension.

"How nice dear. We're divorced give me half of everything."

This!!

Maybe you could make a plan for things that he could accomplish in the house if he is at a loose-end you can look forward to having a cordon-bleu meal in the evening he might surprise you !
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@Oscarsmom71 Glad to hear you had the discussion.

I was going to suggest something similar to what you described.

DH and I have been slowly forming our retirement plan for the past 5 years (we’re in our 50s) as he will retire from his career in the next 2 years. I always joked that he may be retiring from his current job, but that doesn’t mean he is retiring from working. -He’s in a career that generally people retire with full pension of between 60-80% of salary after 20-30 years. Not exactly typical where I live (US) but not unheard of either in certain sectors)

Our loose plan (up until last week -more on that later) was for him to retire then to retrain to a ‘retirement job’ while I continued to work FT in my current career but then transition myself into a ‘retirement job’ with less demands (and less pay). All of this coupled with a big location move when our caring responsibilities end (we’re currently caring for a few old people). Then eventually we’d continue to wind down our working as finances and desire allowed until fully retired when we can access our retirement savings without penalty.

Great plan huh? Well the wrench into the works have all been on my end. 6 months ago a cancer diagnosis then last week I was laid off/made redundant… go me 😬.

Your comments about your job hit home… I’m equal parts terrified and relieved that I’m unemployed. We’re fine money wise so while we will have to adjust our lifestyle a bit, we’re not in losing the house territory. Timing wise I still have this month of treatment left and we have a trip planned for next month so I’m going to start my unemployment activities but I’m not planning on diving into them as a replacement full time job until after my trip.

Ultimately, I think I’m going to enact my ‘retirement job’ now… take a little time to get recertification in some skills I let lapse during my career and look for that less stressful job now. I’m actually a little relieved if I’m honest. I sort of floated into a role that I didn’t love and bring me a whole lot of satisfaction but it payed pretty damn well.

Don’t know if any of that resonates with you but I thought I’d share in case any of it would make sense with your situation.

My dh is due to retire within 2 years and I'm due to retire in 23 years.

Why does it bother you so much?

MN man-hater alert!

So basically he should keep working until well past his retirement age until OP is ready to call it quits? What if he was 10 years older, 20 years older?

Or to put another way, bearing in mind in most relationships the man is the “breadwinner”, you have no problem in all those cases with the woman carrying on working until she dies because otherwise the man “will be subsidising” her.

I believe that retirement age used to be 65 for men & 60 for women so this would originally have meant they would have retired around the same time.

I think you should do your retirement planning together for when finances allow both of you to retire .

I'd be telling him about the household chores he'd need to be taking responsibility for now he has the time as well as having dinner ready for you when you get home.