Is this the new CF normal?

So interesting. I think this must be the circle you're moving in. I've never encountered that at all. Despite weddings popping up and babies popping out all over the place.

Oh, and we got married 5 years ago and I handwrote thank you letters to every guest. Granted, it was covid, so perhaps considerable fewer guests, but still, it took a while. People seemed really touched by it...

Ah, but some like to pretend they're "only asking to be helpful", Gertrude, and save people shopping for something which isn't needed because the home's already set up - as if folk won't work that out for themselves and give money/vouchers anyway

Good luck trying to restrict the amounts though. I was the "cancel the cheque" poster, and though that particular gift was on the higher side, anything that falls short of what the entitled expect rarely ends well

I find gift lists ridiculous. For my wedding, I just said on my invites that you don't need to bring a gift, but if you do, we'd prefer money. People do this so their house doesn't end up full of crap, which imo is understandable. Honestly though my favourite gift ended up being two knitting rats in wedding clothes (we have pet rats lol). I think the issue with money is that people feel compelled to give more, but I really wouldn't have cared if people just slipped a fiver into a card!

I had a baby shower (well it was more just a gathering of 10 people in my parents garden) with sandwiches, cake, and balloons tbh, and I told people not to worry about gifts or etc, and that I just wanted to celebrate my baby. People did still ask what I wanted, and I just told them practical things like nappies, muslins, or some bath soak for me (basically things everyone can afford). I think sending a wishlist with expensive baby items about is cheeky AF. The best baby gift I got was a £20 Uber eats voucher, which we used when we came home from hospital 😂 My other favourite gifts were hand knitted blankets, and this thing my friend got me in a frame where everyone at the baby shower put them thumb print on in a different colour of ink as a keepsake.

When someone I know has a baby, I try and crochet a baby blanket if I have the time. Otherwise, I give clothes they can grow into (everyone buys you newborn stuff) or like a hamper of things that are cheap but useful like nappies, wipes, baby shampoo, etc, often with chocolate for mum! For someone close I'd probably try and get something personalised for the baby, or I'd buy a meal voucher for me and the mum to go and enjoy when she's ready :)

I'm RC & give First Holy Communion & Confirmation gifts to relatives & friends - I have lots of relatives &, as someone who helps to prepare children for their 1st HC, I always a gift of chickens, goat, books or similar on behalf of the child through Cafiod to families & children in developing countries. If a child of a close relative I will also give them a rosary, bible or similar.

I think this is the crux of it. People feel they have to give more if they give money.

I think we should normalise giving smaller amounts of money that all add up!

Hmmm

I think YANBU overall as it is very grabby/ entitled to request only such expansive things.

Whilst a gift is very much the traditional when you are invited to a wedding, and gift lists have been a norm for a long time, a gift of a new baby is by no means a given , and is very much a voluntary thing. Gift registries for that are not a norm in the UK.

I think people should not be sending round these emails that expect to be given a gift, and definitely not banging on about only wanting money (unless asked “what would you like/ what would be helpful).

At the same time, I think people need to think about the gifts they give. There are a lot of “gifts” out there that are fun to buy but really mkt something that anyone wants to receive. Trinkets, “new baby” or “happiest
day of our lives” type photo frames, those wooden statues that they sell for every occasion, all the kind of tat that people like to go out and buy. People need to think before they buy.

By all means choose a present but choose something a couple will want. Basic baby clothes are always very welcome I think - bought for the next size up and season as they probably have enough in the current size.

Money is quite a good gift for everyone tbh - you don’t have to go to the bother of choosing and the recipient can get what they want. It’s grabby to ask for it, but it’s not a bad idea. Just don’t give more than you can afford.

Monetary gifts like this are also opening the door to judging ‘oh look how cheap they are. They only gave us £10 for the baby/£100 for the wedding’ type of comments

Or in the words of a groom of my acquaintance, "If we ask for money they'll have to give us more than a cheap gift would have cost"
Ugly perhaps, but I doubt he's alone in such thoughts

Good to see the poll though - perhaps there are more people with manners around than was imagined?

Edited to add wait until the child's birthdays and Christmases come around, OP - they'll probably request cash for those too

I’m 36 and have a fair few friends my age who have got married and had children. And not ONE of them has done this. To me this is not normal practice. Or maybe I just know nice, un-entitled people? 🤷🏻‍♀️
None if my friends have had wedding or baby lists and are hugely grateful for anything they receive. We’ve always had thank you cards for wedding gifts and mostly thank you cards/notes for baby gifts. Any that haven’t for baby gifts have at least sent a text.

Sorry posted twice for some reason

When I got married I wrote a personalised card to everyone that came regardless of whether they gave a gift (we had said presents weren't necessary). These were all people that we love and wanted to be there, and many of them travelled long distances to get there. I didn't want anyone to worry whether we had actually received the gift and wanted to let them know what we had done with it.

The value of the gift was neither here or there. So messages were along the lines of "Dear Janet & John, thank you for your gift, we bought the most amazing ice-creams in Venice with it (pic attached). Looking forward to catching up soon" or "Dear Sue & Phil, we were so pleased you were able to be with us on the big day. Hope the journey home wasn't too horrendous. Your card really made us laugh" etc. Not long but personal.

If you cba to write/text a personal thank you to friends and family, just charge for admission and no one will expect any acknowledgement.

When I got married I wrote a personalised card to everyone that came regardless of whether they gave a gift (we had said presents weren't necessary). These were all people that we love and wanted to be there, and many of them travelled long distances to get there. I didn't want anyone to worry whether we had actually received the gift and wanted to let them know what we had done with it.

The value of the gift was neither here or there. So messages were along the lines of "Dear Janet & John, thank you for your gift, we bought the most amazing ice-creams in Venice with it (pic attached). Looking forward to catching up soon" or "Dear Sue & Phil, we were so pleased you were able to be with us on the big day. Hope the journey home wasn't too horrendous. Your card really made us laugh" etc. Not long but personal.

If you cba to write/text a personal thank you to friends and family, just charge for admission and no one will expect any acknowledgement.

absolutely disgusting behaviour

cheeky fuckers

You are totally not being unreasonable, @arcticpandas. I had (past tense!) a friend who, on her 3rd marriage, sent her invites with a cutesy “give us cash” poem. Then she had it posted on her wedding website. Then she actually had it on her ORDER OF SERVICE, literally as people sat down to watch her get married (again), she was asking for money in case people forgot to buy her something.

Being mean, I got her passport covers instead 😂

You're not wrong and you can ignore all greedy requests for cash for both weddings and new babies if you want. I always ignore stuff like that.

Although I voted YANBU. I believe a lot if it is:
Weddings - they have already been living together and have enough towels and bedding
Children - they just don't want plastic tat or another cuddly teddy
But agree they should have £10-20 options too.

Since people are aware how valuable their time is

Yes, it’s horrible.

I am generally happy to give money, as I hate the thought of buying gifts that are not used/wanted/appreociated. I hate waste and over consumerism so would rather they had the money to use for what they need.

However I really dislike being asked for it.

I think it’s tacky and grabby.

Expecting people to give up their time to very specifically thank you when they've sent a thank you around seems pretty demanding

I only give what I can afford and would never dream of telling other people what to buy. I think it's a good idea to say what not to buy, so stuff doesn't go to waste but to name a specific shop where everything is expensive is definitely cheeky fuckery.

Very well said
its most infuriating that this generation appear to wholeheartedly believe that they are actually owed gifts and presents etc from the world.
a most appalling attitude
I’ve made sure my daughters don’t have the morals and attitude of a lot of the youngsters of today

My daughter got some absolute RUBBISH given to her for her wedding from people who didn’t want to use the gift registry.
It went straight onto eBay and she got a fraction of what the person had paid for it. What a waste of money. What a shame.

I’d MUCH rather buy couples what they want.

However, ALL gifters need to be thanked with a proper, old-fashioned, hand-written and personalised thank you note/ card.

You sound delightful! And exactly the type of person OP has made this post about.
Since when is a personalised thank you too big an ask?!

She didn't think it good enough because it took near zero effort.

Expecting a personalised thank you still does not come under the description of being "fawned over".

It is just basic good manners.

I agree. I'm American and it seems that the UK has adopted this American custom with some of the etiquette not making the trip across the pond.

You should not be expected to give two gifts. And another one: the expectant mother should not host her own shower, nor should her mother or sisters. And perhaps most important of all, guests should not have to pay to attend a shower; the refreshments are provided by the hostesses, who usually are close friends or relatives (aunts, cousins) of the mom.

I'd much rather buy someone something they actually want so I'm all for gift registries or even just money if that's what they want.

It doesn't mean you have to buy from it though, just ignore it and buy what you want if you don't like registries.