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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the new CF normal?

363 replies

arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 14:44

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 17/08/2025 06:54

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/08/2025 22:32

Well I'm Irish @arcticpandas and there's no way me, or anyone that I know would think £300 was stingy, quite the opposite. I'd consider gifts of £50-£100 to be standard. No way would I send anyone a £300 gift/money either!

We gave 300£ as a family of four. I have read loads of threads on here where they talk about Irish weddings being extravagant and how 500£ being very common to give. I do not know that for a fact ofcourse so thank you for pointing out that that's not necessarily true:)

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/08/2025 22:32

Well I'm Irish @arcticpandas and there's no way me, or anyone that I know would think £300 was stingy, quite the opposite. I'd consider gifts of £50-£100 to be standard. No way would I send anyone a £300 gift/money either!

Strawberrydelight78 · 16/08/2025 20:58

I've been to a wedding where they had a postbox. They just said to put in as little or as much as you want in if you wanted in a plain envelope. They didn't want to know who gave what. They didn't need anything as had been together years had 3 children a lovely house etc. They donated the money to a local charity that means a lot to them.

bumbaloo · 16/08/2025 20:57

In much of the world, money is the norm. People don’t want stuff

clutter stuff that you just don’t want or need. That’s more about you the giver than the receiver.

it makes way more sense for the couple to get stuff they actually want surely.

gifts are supposed to be what would make the recipient happy. Not something for you , the giver to be happy about

Original poster
arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 20:55

Londonrach1 · 16/08/2025 20:22

Very strange family and friends you have and yes cf. Not heard of it before.

Haha. Family on my DH's side:). But having read all posters I don't seem to be the only one having problems with CFs in my entourage.. But I am sincerely happy you haven't come across it!

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 20:46

WomanOfSteel · 16/08/2025 19:09

YANBU. We didn’t ask for anything when we got married as we’d been together nearly 20 years. Then everyone kept asking us or our parents what we wanted. 😳 We said we didn’t expect anything but if they really wanted to give us something then we were having a few nights away without the kids and would put it towards that. Some people still gave presents of their choosing and that was fine too and we sent thank you cards. We never asked for anything when we had children either but people were very generous. I did end up with quite a lot of 3-6 months clothing so I was very happy if there was a gift receipt enclosed so I could change the outfit or size of it. This just sounds awful and grabby. My favourite baby gifts were the hand knitted ones that had had time lovingly spent on them.

It does not sound grabby or awful! I always send a gift receipt so that people can change if they want to.
And I'm not against asking for specific gifts either if you are asked. What I don't appreciate is family/friends sending an email announcing that "Baby X is born blabla and here is the gift list".

OP posts:
camperjam · 16/08/2025 20:33

I got married 15 years ago and we sent a thank you card to everyone who came to our wedding no matter what. We wanted to thank them for making the time and effort to be with us even if they didn't bring a present.
But I don't think people bother saying thank you for much any more. Some of our friends never send a text to thank us for presents we get their kids and it does annoy me.

Londonrach1 · 16/08/2025 20:22

Very strange family and friends you have and yes cf. Not heard of it before.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2025 20:19

Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 19:29

Pleeeeeeeeease can you link that thread? I don’t think I ever found it

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I'd oblige, but can't now find it either, sodastreamin

I looked on "threads I started" but it only brings up more recent ones - perhaps that's usual now?

Typo

NotThatWitty · 16/08/2025 20:17

Late 30s here, and married 6 years ago. We said in invites that presents not necessary (and meant it), but also gave a gift list. The list ranged from a £3 soup spoon to a £150 gift that my FiL got us. Most of the list was at the lower end (I think the list stats themselves said that our average gift was £22).
On the day, we got a few people give us nothing; a few people give us a card; most people ordering items of the gift list (the items we use the most are a pair of heart shaped dipping bowls that were around £15 each. My BiL and his partner gifted us those, and I think about them every time we use them!); some people gave a card with money in; a smaller amount of people completely ignored the gift list, and got us something else (to be honest, these are the items we use the least/have ended up in a box somewhere).

Two days after the wedding, we sent a very short thank you email to everyone and stated that a more formal thank you would come out later.

A couple of months later, after we got our photographer photos, we ordered thank you cards, and wrote a personalised thank you to every single person (or rather family group) that attended. (This also happened to be at the end of Nivember/start of December, so we sent Christmas cards in the same envelopes.)

Sadly, I have been to 3 weddings this year, and not a single thank you for attending/any of the money we gifted, (every single couple asked for money). Makes me wonder what has changed/become the norm in just 6 years? Simce when do we not thank people for their time/gifts? Although, I do excuse the couple that only got married a week ago - they are still on their honeymoon at the moment.

Bulldog01 · 16/08/2025 19:57

When I got married, 42 yrs ago.We just gave our close relatives a list.A coffee maker a cheap one, around 20.00.A cooker extractor.A slow cooker, around 20.00.2 rugs for our lounge. 2 electric Radiators.We did have a very cheap wedding, Register office, followed by food & entertainment at our flat! We moved to our flat with barely anything so we appreciated the gifts.Now it's getting expensive? We normally give relatives between 250 to150 towards the honeymoon! With our grandchildren we just give them money for birthdays 50.00 each & 75.00 each at Christmas! We decided that, although the amounts are modest.we are retired.we felt it needs to be affordable for the long term!

Original poster
arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 19:52

BubblesCarpet · 16/08/2025 16:34

I am getting married very soon, and we didn't say anything on the invite about the presents. Some relatives reached out and asked what to get us, is it ok to say give us money as contribution to the honeymoon?
Or is it also rude ?

Ofcourse it's not rude. Especially if you phrase it as "a contribution to our honeymoon".
I think some people didn't understand what I was trying to say. Personally I don't find it rude at all to ask for monetary gifts for either a marriage or a birth or whatever when asked what you would like. It's different when you send out several mails to remind people that you want money and the different ways they can give it to you. It just feels so tacky and greedy that I personally feel that I don't want to give anything whereas I would be happy to give money before all the reminders.

OP posts:
Ifyousitinabarrel · 16/08/2025 19:51

I’ve never experienced a gift registry for baby gifts 😮
I’d be a bit shocked to be sent a list too OP!

NImumconfused · 16/08/2025 19:49

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 18:29

Since people are aware how valuable their time is

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Considering the amount of time people waste doing pointless stuff like scrolling through Mumsnet, I don't think a few minutes to write a personal email is that much of an ask!!

Original poster
arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 19:41

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 16:17

I wouldn't give someone £300 for a wedding gift because that's so much. And if I recieved it I'd think the person was just showing off

I've also given £50, which is a lot for me to afford. I didn't expect gushing thanks then either

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We went as a family of four and definitely not trying to show off (too old and tired for that😅). It's just about fairness (what we given to others) and what we can afford to give.
In Ireland we would have been considered stingy.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 16/08/2025 19:31

Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 19:29

Pleeeeeeeeease can you link that thread? I don’t think I ever found it

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Oh yes, I’ve heard about this!!!

Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 19:29

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2025 18:48

Ah, but some like to pretend they're "only asking to be helpful", Gertrude, and save people shopping for something which isn't needed because the home's already set up - as if folk won't work that out for themselves and give money/vouchers anyway

Good luck trying to restrict the amounts though. I was the "cancel the cheque" poster, and though that particular gift was on the higher side, anything that falls short of what the entitled expect rarely ends well

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Pleeeeeeeeease can you link that thread? I don’t think I ever found it

Original poster
arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 19:28

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 15:43

You're expecting them to fanny around sending potential 50+ personalised emails gushing about how wonderful each person is

They thanked everyone

Just because you wanted them to personally acknowledge you were so wonderful to give them so much (£300 is a ridiculous amount)

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Well, it would have taken them 2 minutes. I spent far more time with my thank you cards sent by post. I don't expect that because time has changed but to not be able to write a personal message is really lazy.
300£ is ridiculous? How so? Too much/ too little for you? Anyway we were 4 (DH, me and 2 children) and this is what we normally spend on family weddings. We are not Irish.

OP posts:
Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 19:27

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 14:58

People don't want loads of tat they aren't going to use like nappy cakes, twenty "cute new baby photoframes", Mr and Mrs glasses. Equally, people don't tend to marry and then move in together so don't need stuff to set up a new home.

Money is the thing they need most. Whether for honeymoon or home improvement or for the child's future etc

No, I don't think it's cheeky at all. It's still just asking for what they want.

If the baby list is too expensive, give money.

And you got a thank you. Sorry that they didn't fawn all over you for being so generous

I was with you until that last sentence. Wow what an appalling attitude

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/08/2025 19:27

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2025 18:48

Ah, but some like to pretend they're "only asking to be helpful", Gertrude, and save people shopping for something which isn't needed because the home's already set up - as if folk won't work that out for themselves and give money/vouchers anyway

Good luck trying to restrict the amounts though. I was the "cancel the cheque" poster, and though that particular gift was on the higher side, anything that falls short of what the entitled expect rarely ends well

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Oh god I remember that thread! 😂

There definitely needs to be a social stigma about being grabby re gifts

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/08/2025 19:24

I’d be pretty disgusted too, OP.

Though having said that, I don’t object to anyone politely suggesting that cash would be welcome. I was pleasantly surprised, after the last wedding we attended (a cousin’s dc who TBH we hardly knew) to receive a handwritten card just a few weeks later, to say thank you for the £100 we’d put in a card.

They had requested no physical presents (very small flat and already had everything they needed) ‘but if anyone would like….’ etc.
I didn’t mind that wording at all. Seemed very sensible, and it’s a lot easier to just stick cash in a card than buy and wrap something.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 16/08/2025 19:17

Definitely not being unreasonable.

I remember hand writing letters to relatives after my wedding and as a child would also write or telephone to thank family and friends for birthday and Christmas gifts. Also used to get my DCs to do this.

DH and I have now stopped sending birthday and Christmas gifts to the DCs in our extended family (some are now in their 30s) as we just never get a thank you. Not even a social media thank you. I think it might be a generational thing? Or just a sign of the times perhaps. Sad really.

WomanOfSteel · 16/08/2025 19:09

YANBU. We didn’t ask for anything when we got married as we’d been together nearly 20 years. Then everyone kept asking us or our parents what we wanted. 😳 We said we didn’t expect anything but if they really wanted to give us something then we were having a few nights away without the kids and would put it towards that. Some people still gave presents of their choosing and that was fine too and we sent thank you cards. We never asked for anything when we had children either but people were very generous. I did end up with quite a lot of 3-6 months clothing so I was very happy if there was a gift receipt enclosed so I could change the outfit or size of it. This just sounds awful and grabby. My favourite baby gifts were the hand knitted ones that had had time lovingly spent on them.

TriremeQueen · 16/08/2025 19:07

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 15:46

No just not raised to fawn pathetically over people

And to give because I want to make the other person happy, not give so they praise me

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Your desire to make other people happy is certainly coming across in your posts.

Pickledpoppetpickle · 16/08/2025 18:59

People should thank you. It feels grabby to send bank details but there is a risk in sending cash through the post and cheques are all but extinct as a means of getting cash to someone. A bank transfer via online banking is now the norm. I don’t see any issues with that, iI am 55 for reference.