Page 2 | Is this the new CF normal?

Bunny65 · 18/08/2025 13:28

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 13:22

You always know you’ve hit the nail on head when you get quoted by several people.
I imagine they’re tetchy, defensive responses, not going to read them, but do crack on, doesn’t make what I said any less true 👍🏻

Your comment seemed to seek to try and justify rude and entitled behaviour. There is never an excuse for that. And while I agree that it’s unfair that young people have a hard time buying a property these days, it’s not their parents’ fault. Also if their parents do own a property they know they will inherit one day.

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 13:22

You always know you’ve hit the nail on head when you get quoted by several people.
I imagine they’re tetchy, defensive responses, not going to read them, but do crack on, doesn’t make what I said any less true 👍🏻

WorkItUpYourBangle · 18/08/2025 13:22

I would get all of them absolutely nothing and I'm the type of person buys even an acquaintance a gift for their new baby because I got precious feck all for mine. The entitlement is absolutely crazy. I wouldn't enable that or add to it. Just refuse to partake.

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 13:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Bunny65 · 18/08/2025 13:07

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 12:56

That’s because our generation didn’t get to buy our homes for 30k and get handed everything for next to nothing, so forgive us for needing more assistance 🙄

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That’s not an excuse for being rude, demanding gifts and not bothering to give thanks. It also wasn’t the golden age you seem to think. People didn’t have so many things and didn’t expect them. My parents and many of their peers could only afford their first homes by taking in lodgers for a few years and it was normal to only have two or three pairs of shoes.

CoffeeCantata · 18/08/2025 13:05

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 16:28

It's pathetic to complain people didn't use their valuable time to write to you specially and thank you for being just so generous

It's selfish to give expecting them to be oh so grateful that you deemed them worthy of such gifts

Gift giving is about appreciating and celebrating the person receiving, whether its marking their birthday, thanking them for an unexpected favour, marking their wedding etc. It's about them not you

Strange then that the seem to have loads of time available to compile their very prescriptive lists at registries if their time is so very valuable.

Original poster

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 13:00

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 12:56

That’s because our generation didn’t get to buy our homes for 30k and get handed everything for next to nothing, so forgive us for needing more assistance 🙄

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I'm not that old (45). We were able to buy 13 years ago (with 25 year mortgage). I still don't expect people to send me/my children money/gifts and if they do I have the decency to thank them.

OP posts:

CoffeeCantata · 18/08/2025 13:00

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 12:56

That’s because our generation didn’t get to buy our homes for 30k and get handed everything for next to nothing, so forgive us for needing more assistance 🙄

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Of course I accept your generation have had it tougher than (say) me in the property market but it cuts both ways. My wage in my mid 20s was just over £4K and that was pretty average!

ColourThief · 18/08/2025 12:56

arcticpandas · 16/08/2025 14:44

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

That’s because our generation didn’t get to buy our homes for 30k and get handed everything for next to nothing, so forgive us for needing more assistance 🙄

XWKD · 18/08/2025 12:05

But, but, but I want to be special for a day like a fairy princess, and you're allowed to pay for it!

Fliesinmyeyes · 18/08/2025 12:00

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 16:28

It's pathetic to complain people didn't use their valuable time to write to you specially and thank you for being just so generous

It's selfish to give expecting them to be oh so grateful that you deemed them worthy of such gifts

Gift giving is about appreciating and celebrating the person receiving, whether its marking their birthday, thanking them for an unexpected favour, marking their wedding etc. It's about them not you

So you are one of these people who don't acknowledge other people's time, thought effort and cost. You'll happily accept their kind gift but don't bother to send them a personalised thank you?; If you can be arsed you might send a generic email in order not to waste more than 2 minutes of your precious time. You really are a sign of the times, and you'll probably be on here in a year or 2 complain that nobody seems to give gifts these days.

Account734 · 18/08/2025 11:53

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 14:58

People don't want loads of tat they aren't going to use like nappy cakes, twenty "cute new baby photoframes", Mr and Mrs glasses. Equally, people don't tend to marry and then move in together so don't need stuff to set up a new home.

Money is the thing they need most. Whether for honeymoon or home improvement or for the child's future etc

No, I don't think it's cheeky at all. It's still just asking for what they want.

If the baby list is too expensive, give money.

And you got a thank you. Sorry that they didn't fawn all over you for being so generous

I think we know who didn't send thank you cards.

Fliesinmyeyes · 18/08/2025 11:51

Gifts are not compulsory so I would feel free to ignore these requests. You could still give them a gift of your own choosing if you like, and their response (if any) will determine the level of CF that's going on.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 18/08/2025 11:33

Arlanymor · 16/08/2025 15:16

I think this is endemic of an encroaching wider culture of 'celebrate everything that I am and everything that I do!' I go to weddings, I go to funerals, I go to (some) birthday parties - I don't go to baby showers, I don't go to engagement parties, I don't go abroad for a week for hen/hag dos, I don't go to 'graduations' from nurseries... it's all got so out of hand and it's so self-aggrandising.

If that makes me sound miserable, so be it. I celebrate with my closest loved ones in all manner of ways - I'm going to stay for a long weekend in a cottage in Somerset for a friend's 50th at the end of the month. It's 2.5 hours' drive from my home, I'm unofficial godmother to his children who will also be there, it'll only be the five of us and I can't wait. It's self-catering so we'll take enough stuff for our first night and then go and do a joint shop on the first morning, so it's all fair.

It's not that I don't like joining in other people's happiness or celebrating their job, but it's become such a money suck now, and every week there seems to be a new way of getting people to put their hands in their pockets just because we've reached a 'milestone' - which wouldn't have been considered a milestone 10-15 years ago (I'm close to your age @arcticpandas, I'm 46).

I went to a wedding two years ago - it was an old friend's second wedding - they expressly asked for people NOT to offer gifts because they have enough and they were genuinely just happy to share their second chance at love with the people they cared about the most. I bought them a bespoke lovespoon and had it engraved with their initials - didn't cost the earth, but I thought it was a nice token and is culturally something I do for people I care about. I had the nicest thank you card with a lovely photo enclosed showing where they had put it up in their house. A generic email is not a thank you - it's lacking effort.

Hello Arlanmyor.

I think your post was excellent in that it really nailed this awful, ever expanding culture of expectation and celebration entitlement.

It is really phoney in many respects and has and can become tacky and competitive and very expensive.

I remember my late mother saying in 1963 my grandfather thought that Christmas has become far too commercialised!!

I'm all for giving presents, gifts and money on special and memorable occasions. And have done so many times over the years

But I think with the rise of Social Media and the vast monetisation of any goods and services. Business always on the look out to make another shilling .

A perfect storm to mess with the pressure exploitation of people's insecurities. Very sad .This is what we have now come to.

Leave you with a few tongue in cheek and silly suggestions for possible new celebrations.

l bet OP's could add to this list

Babies first poo.

Pet, sorry fur baby becomes house trained.

Awesome tattoos etc

i

DBSFstupid · 18/08/2025 11:10

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 08:10

Well done! I sent out cards for wedding and births thanking everyone. Even people I didn't know (Mil's friends). Because I was very greatful for their gifts, be that a knitten cardigan (loved it!), a book or money.

Today it's so much easier because you can just send an email. I had photo printups, handwriiten cards delivered by post so it took me some time. Whereas writing an email takes 2 minutes so I don't think that's too much to expect. Even a personal sms would be fine. So I'm not asking to be fawned over, it's just basic courtesy and manners. I would feel so ashamed if I had forgotten to thank someone when they had been generous enough to give something to me /my children.

Each year an aunt we have never met on DH's side send something for the kids (a toy/book). My children always call her up to say thank you and we send her chocolates each christmas. We have explained to the the children that she is very lonely, disabled (physically and psychiatrically) and that her sending a gift means that she has really gone through a lot of effort and that their phone call makes her very happy (it does). For my two sons it's normal to always thank people. If DS1 ASD feels to shy to call he will write a note that I mail for him. Now it's even them who tell me "we have to call x" so I'm very pleased to see that teaching good manners (and kindness!) works. I just wish all parents did that.

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How lovely OP 💛

Kelly1969 · 18/08/2025 11:01

RSSN · 17/08/2025 22:10

YANBU! I didn't dream of asking for anything for my wedding or after my boy was born.
I was thankful for what I received. People are unbelievably entitled these days. So disgusting & cringe when people ask for money or have lists.I'm 48

Totally agree, I’m 56 and this is a different world to me!
lucky I don’t get invited to weddings and everyone I know has had their kids at a time when this extortion wasn’t the norm!
I posted that I would never be giving anything like £200/300 as a wedding gift and someone replied that “covering or paying for your plate” was usually expected/the norm??
Sorry not in my world it isn’t!
Going to a wedding can be blimming expensive anyway with buying a new outfit. Etc anyway without being expected to bankrupt ourselves!

NikEik · 18/08/2025 10:57

I think it is lazy and entitled/rude not to personally acknowledge a gift - whether that is by text/email/handwritten note. A generic group email to everyone thanking them is crap, although better than nothing...No need to fawn or write an essay! Two lines. One minute. Done!

BarbaraHavers · 18/08/2025 10:22

Absolutely not the point of the thread (in which you were definitely NBU at all) but YWBVU to use the word 'stroller'.

Sennelier1 · 18/08/2025 09:22

I'm in Belgium, so different conventions. Here, people getting married have a register and say so on the invitation. Usually they also announce a bank account and what they're saving for (honeymoon, furniture....). It's very bad manners to not send a personal thank-you to those who sent you money or a gift. Same when a baby is born. Parents have a "list" in a shop and/or a "diaper-account". But nearly always it says : IF you would like to buy something......then check out our list at X place. (Can be done on-line too.) Never-ever there is a minimum-gift required, and it is even considered very rude if on the baby-wishlist there are only expensive items. If such an item is listed (pram, furniture....) then the price is divided in equal parts so f.i. family-members can agree on contributing. Also, there will álways be some small items, like a bib, a spoon, a pacifier, so that really everybody can buy something if they wish to. And of course it is custom to thank for the gifts. Many people use a picture of their baby to send as a card with a text like "thank you so much, I like what you bought for me".

Heyhoitsme · 18/08/2025 09:19

We were asked to pay for an event the couple wanted to attend when on honeymoon. I was not happy but they were friends of DH and he felt he had to.

opencecilgee · 18/08/2025 09:09

I think it’s rude but when i had my first, we got so many gifts of stuff we didn’t need. Loads and loads of muslim cloths. Loads of blankets, comforters, clothes for the wrong season.

but it wouldn’t have occurred to me
to ask for cash. Neither did i have a baby shower. Too grabby

TeamBuffalo · 18/08/2025 08:58

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 16/08/2025 15:43

You're expecting them to fanny around sending potential 50+ personalised emails gushing about how wonderful each person is

They thanked everyone

Just because you wanted them to personally acknowledge you were so wonderful to give them so much (£300 is a ridiculous amount)

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Sending fifty emails is possibly an hour's work if you use cut-and-paste. It's not exactly a major investment of time.

Toooldtocare25 · 18/08/2025 08:19

We got married recently and I don’t like lists so didn’t have one. We did say that IF people wanted to they could contribute money. We had just moved in so had two of most things. I also said if people wanted to buy gifts they could anyway as it’s up to them. But I made sure I sent personal thank yous to everyone who came regardless of what they gave or not. I absolutely hate these entitled expectations. A gift is a gift not a right.

ipickedupapen · 18/08/2025 08:17

I put a £20 Next voucher in a card.

Original poster

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 08:10

Slippylittlesuckers · 18/08/2025 07:45

I totally agree. The last two weddings I went to, gave £100 (evening guest) not even acknowledged, no thank you, nothing.
The last baby I bought for, my great niece, a note in the card with cheque , huge congrats, please let me know when I’m able to visit, would love to see the baby, I know it’s a busy time etc etc… nothing.
They've since had baby number two. I haven’t sent anything. Seems that’s not gone down well. Oh well. As they say, you reep what you sew. For every action, there’s a reaction!!!

Well done! I sent out cards for wedding and births thanking everyone. Even people I didn't know (Mil's friends). Because I was very greatful for their gifts, be that a knitten cardigan (loved it!), a book or money.

Today it's so much easier because you can just send an email. I had photo printups, handwriiten cards delivered by post so it took me some time. Whereas writing an email takes 2 minutes so I don't think that's too much to expect. Even a personal sms would be fine. So I'm not asking to be fawned over, it's just basic courtesy and manners. I would feel so ashamed if I had forgotten to thank someone when they had been generous enough to give something to me /my children.

Each year an aunt we have never met on DH's side send something for the kids (a toy/book). My children always call her up to say thank you and we send her chocolates each christmas. We have explained to the the children that she is very lonely, disabled (physically and psychiatrically) and that her sending a gift means that she has really gone through a lot of effort and that their phone call makes her very happy (it does). For my two sons it's normal to always thank people. If DS1 ASD feels to shy to call he will write a note that I mail for him. Now it's even them who tell me "we have to call x" so I'm very pleased to see that teaching good manners (and kindness!) works. I just wish all parents did that.

OP posts: