Is this the new CF normal?

I have only seen "you don't have to give us anything but if you'd like to put money towards..." (usually the honeymoon) messages about wedding presents on the invitation, which seems sensible as people are already set up. We did the same for our wedding 25+ years ago and some people did and some still gave a gift. I prefer giving money TBH, it's simpler all round and it's what they want.

We've had quite a few babies born to friends and family over the last couple of years and we've never been asked for money or an actual gift. I usually ask the grandmother (the mum's mum) for a hint of what they might need/appreciate and get that. The last time I did this, recently, she knew they wanted something specific and offered to pay something towards it (I declined). I don't expect to be asked for a gift (personally I think that is rude) and it would really put my nose out of joint to be asked for money.

It does have to do with recieved thanks and expecting a level of thanks if you moan about not receiving a good enough thank you

It’s totally normal in my world. I always email after someone has invited me to a meal or a party, or given me a present. All my friends do the same. I/we used to write cards - not a chore either.

Please don’t judge the rest of us by your standards.

YANBU. I don’t like being dictated to over what to give people. If people say they don’t want anything except money I will give them some money but still get a gift.

I think having a gift registry (these have been around since before the internet) is fine and can be helpful but I think a small note/link to it is enough and that it should be clear that gifts/money aren’t a requirement. I think a variety of price level gifts available on the list is also useful.

I do think it’s sad people don’t write thank you’s much anymore although saying that (I’m probs one generation older than the demographic you mentioned) I can think of many thank you wedding cards I’ve received and many thank you/welcome baby cards. I wouldn’t necessarily expect more than a quick thank you text from a new mum though.

Im definitely more offended by people who say they don’t want anything except money gifts 😅

If you think sending people personalised messages/notes/cards after a big event by way of a thank you is faffing, then you don’t have a clue about manners. Some things are worth the ‘faff’. Good to see you managed to post something without using the words ‘fawning’ or ‘gushing’. Well done👍

I used to say this to DCs after Christmas & birthdays. I'd also point out that Auntie or Uncle would be less inclined to send presents in future if they weren't thanked. I used to dread Boxing Day as DH always had a rugby thing & it was my job to sit the DCs down to write the 'Dear Auntie X, thank you for the xxx...' letter. I would get them to phone as many people as possible to thank them personally - especially as I was having to call to thank them for my present.

Giving to people has nothing to do with expecting a “gushing thank you in return “. I don’t know what you mean by that phrase. But a personal thank you, yes, not a generic one. I find that lazy and rude.

Fgs - why wouldn’t you?? I love thanking people and actually it’s one of life’s pleasures. Your harsh attitude has just made me realise that - so, I thank you!

I am getting married very soon, and we didn't say anything on the invite about the presents. Some relatives reached out and asked what to get us, is it ok to say give us money as contribution to the honeymoon?
Or is it also rude ?

I like registers because I can be sure I am buying something the couple will like, and I like being told specifically what to get by new parents for the same reason. I don't mind being asked to contribute to something like a holiday, exactly, because if that's what they want it's what they want, but it's not something I would really feel comfortable doing myself. I don't know that any of that makes sense but it's how I feel!

I am 35 and I agree.

I kind of understand regarding wedding gifts as couples often live together before marriage now. If we were asked we said we don't need gifts but if you would like to give, a contribution to the honeymoon/ our future would be much appreciated. Every guest got a personal, handwritten thank you card telling them what we spent it on (e.g. we used it to buy a delicious meal in Florence, or we're putting it towards our first house deposit, depending on the amount)

My friends who have had babies haven't been CFs but I've been shocked to see people complaining online that someone (usually PILs) has broken a "rule" by buying a toy or clothes that don't fit their "aesthetic".

I'm not buying Montessori wooden artisan toys in shades of beige for £50 for your kid just because you're not yet experienced enough to know that kids hate expensive wooden artisan toys and that muted tones wooden rainbow you think is going to win you a world's most sophisticated parent award is actually going to gather dust on a corner until you try and fail to sell it on Vinted.

She recieved a thank you. She didn't deem it good enough because it didn't say her name.

They did say thank you

I'm also not a fan of gender reveals and baby showers mind.

I think a gift for a baby can be given when the baby arrives. And if the new parents are so tired they only stick a thank you in a group chat at 1am in the morning, I don't care. They're busy, they have other stuff going on and I know they're thankful

For info - yes, DH & me wrote our thank you cards together. I bought a load of 'thank you' cards, had a list of who gave us what & we divided them between us to say Dear XXX thank you for the lovely XX which will come in very useful (or whatever), and thank you for joining us at our wedding' passing the pile to the other to add ...love from Pasta

Where did OP said she expected to be "fawned over"?

She just expected a thank you note which is just basic good manners.

Good grief. Receiving a gift and not saying thank you is just plain rude. The end.

Not married

Wouldn't faff around sending individuals thank yous when an email/text to all would be exactly the same message...

It's pathetic to complain people didn't use their valuable time to write to you specially and thank you for being just so generous

It's selfish to give expecting them to be oh so grateful that you deemed them worthy of such gifts

Gift giving is about appreciating and celebrating the person receiving, whether its marking their birthday, thanking them for an unexpected favour, marking their wedding etc. It's about them not you

Guess who didn't thank people properly for their gifts/donations after their wedding!

A personal thank you isn't fawning btw, it's good manners.

I was married 46 years ago. And yes, I did sit and hand write 50+ thank you cards.
People had more manners then.
I hope your DH had similar manners to you and did the same number of thank you cards!

I have been to 4 weddings since June last year, 2 monetary and 2 gifts from a list, and have received personal cards from each couple so no decline in standards noticed. My DNiece and her DH did take almost 10 months to send their 'thank you' but it did eventually arrive.
I would rather buy things people actually want than contribute to landfill.

You’re not being unreasonable given that this has been your experience, but it hasn’t been ours. I’m only 5 years younger than you. We didn’t ask anybody for anything when DS (2.5) was born a couple of years ago - I bought most of what we needed while I was still pregnant. If anybody asked if we needed anything or what they could buy us, I was very grateful and made modest suggestions. This would be things like bath toys, board books etc. I have to admit we didn’t send handwritten thank you notes because it was chaos with a newborn as a FTM but I did thank people individually either over text or in person. Most of the weddings I’ve been to for people in my social circle (similar age range, +/- 5 years or so) have not asked for money or given bank details. One couple said they had everything they need but as they loved reading, would love it if each of the guests could give them a copy of their favourite book. I thought that was a lovely idea!

Not sure if the recipients you’ve mentioned are much younger, have a different lifestyle to us, or we / our social circle are just outliers? I can see from the thread that your experience is more common than mine!

I think suggesting money politely "your presence is enough but if you'd like to....contribution to our honeymoon" is the norm now and I think it's fine.

I wouldn't call that pressuring. There is a way to do it, does sound like your relatives were a bit much if they're asking for money with specific instructions at every life stage.

Asking explicitly for money is a bit crass but also if you asking for a contribution to honeymoon, then you're effectively just asking for money anyway.

I think people ask for money because even a small basic wedding is extortionate and they also don't want to end up with loads of stuff that they don't want or need.

Yeah I suppose they could just get married in a registry office with a handful of guests but I'd much rather my nieces and nephews ask for money and invite me in the future than not, because I think that's what it comes down to in this day and age when weddings and houses are so unaffordable.

I'm the younger generation you describe. I didn't ask for money again my wedding, I didn't mention gifts on my invite. I just told my mum if any of her relatives ask what to get me then say cash or vouchers but I didn't want to ask for money because it didn't feel in the spirit of gift giving but to be honest I don't blame people for suggesting money because my wedding was "modest" by today's standard and it still cost me £15k. Luckily, my husband had a well paid job so we could afford it, but only just and if I couldn't afford it I would have just had a very small wedding, like immediate family and a handful of friends and that's it.

Expecting personal thanks because you were just so generous is pathetic

Only on MN are people so whingy about thank yous and not asking for money and performative gift giving

Not in my experience, personal thank yous still very much exist in my world.

I never seem to be more amazed at CF these days.

I'm in my mid-60's & when DH & me got married we had a list of stuff that we would like, but we were grateful for whatever we were given. Never occurred to us to ask for money. We moved into our first house with a mattress on the floor, a TV, no fridge & a camping stove to cook on. But we had some lovely Dartington glasses to drink from & Royal Worcester plates to eat our fish & chips from. 😂 Were we bothered? Heck no! We had each other & we could save for everything that we needed. My PIL gave us a bed that they were replacing, we bought a fridge for £20 from an ad in the local paper, a 3 piece suite from the same for about £50 & went from there. We look back on it as one of the happiest times of our lives.

When DCs were born we never asked for anything, but we were overwhelmed at the presents that we received - babygros, little outfits, hand knitted blankets, cardigans etc. A cousin arrived with a bin bag full of clothes to fit from birth until first DS was 3 - DS2 & DD wore them & then we passed them on. We were so grateful for everything.

As I say, never occurred to us to ask for anything. But then this was before Baby Showers, fancy hen/stag parties etc.

I think it's sad that it seems to be just ask, ask, ask these days. At every point relatives & friends are expected to put their hands into their pockets.