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Original poster

To find it strange that my friend messages my boyfriend every day

121 replies

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:28

Friend and I joined an online hobby group/forum type thing together around 9 months ago. It's a friendly bunch of people and we talk on the forum most days. We've both made friends, there are a load of group chats and small groups of us meet up in person every so often (we're spread all over the country).

I became very close with one guy in particular and about 3 months ago we decided to give it a shot in a long distance relationship. It's early days and the LDR aspect makes it a bit tricky, but I like him a lot and we're both happy with where we are at the moment.

In the last few weeks BF has mentioned a few times that my friend has been messaging him. The first time I really paid attention was when I had a minor argument with my friend and she messaged him asking if she could vent about me as I was driving her mad. BF shut this down and sent me a screenshot, asking what had happened. I felt like this was pretty unpleasant and I told friend that, but she dismissed it saying her intention was for my BF to "mediate" the disagreement.

A few nights ago I was with BF when friend was messaging him and he showed me their chat. For the past 3 weeks friend has messaged my BF every single day. They aren't long conversations and there's nothing overtly worrying but she messages him good morning most days, makes small talk and asks lots of questions about the hobby. BF is friendly and helpful but 90% of the conversation is driven by her.

Half of me doesn't feel like I'm justified in being annoyed as there's nothing actually wrong with their messages, but I just feel really off about it. A few times she has asked him to send a photo as he doesn't have a profile picture up on the forum, which really pissed me off (he didn't send it). But she said it was just curiosity and it was normal to want to know what her friends BF was like.

I'm not worried about BF, but I think my friend is being really disrespectful to my new relationship by messaging my BF this often. With the distance and my job being very full on there are often days where I barely speak to BF, which wasn't an issue for us but it's upset me that on those days my friend sometimes speaks to him more than I do.

If I'm told I'm unreasonable I shall try and pull up my big girl pants and be an adult about all of it! I'm probably feeling a little sensitive today as I won't see BF for another 5 weeks due to work/family stuff and I'm already missing him a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 17:24

I'm going to talk to my boyfriend about it when he calls me this evening, now that I no longer feel like I'm being crazy/paranoid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 17:22

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 16/08/2025 14:37

No, that's very very off.

I doubt she's really interested in your boyfriend, but I do think she's one of those people who has to prove that they're the "best" in order to not feel shit about themselves. She's having relationship problems, so how very dare you enjoy your new relationship. She wants to win him so she can feel superior. She'll never be a good friend because she'll always be in competition with you for all the good things in your life.

This makes a lot of sense. This is the first time I've dated someone since we've been friends and I've definitely seen a change in her. She's been far more annoyed and impatient with me.

I feel bad for her because I know she isn't happy in her own relationship. But I don't feel like she wants me to be happy either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 17:11

Thank you for all the responses. It's very sad to read but at least I no longer feel like I'm being crazy!

We had a good friendship for almost 3 years before this. I don't want to throw that away but it's definitely shifted since I've been in this relationship.

OP posts:
MsCrawford · 16/08/2025 17:09

Hello OP, my daughter is a lot younger than you, and autistic- and I know she would doubt herself in this one, and be trusting. I’m glad your BF showed you the messages, I really don’t think this person is your friend and is probably trying to get close to your BF- I would speak to your BF and tell him if you feel uncomfortable, and that you are going to distance yourself from this friend. She does not seem like she has your best interests at heart, and id let her friendship go and see if BF is happy to do the same. Good luck

pikkumyy77 · 16/08/2025 17:03

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 13:05

BF is a bit of a people pleaser, he's a lovely guy and would help anyone with anything. He's also super passionate about our hobby and loves any excuse to talk about it or help people.

He does shut it down sometimes and only really engages if it's directly about the hobby. He also told her one time "Go talk to Vinsomer instead of me, she's your friend" and she sent laughing faces and said "I'm allowed more than one friend". I haven't told him that it has bothered me because I didn't want him to think I was being crazy or controlling.

This is very bad. She interprets every polite attempt at a boundary as a chance for negotiation. This is a sign of a very encroaching, manipulative, and potentially engulfing person. She will not accept a polite, soft, “no.” This is very demeaning and dangerous to people in her social circle and to autistic and soft/people pleasing types.

You may think she is your friend, snd that she isn’t interested in him because she is married snd because she hasn’t seen him. Neither of these are relevant to game playing or narcissistic people. It is enough that she is competitive with you and wants to take him away from you.

fairydust11 · 16/08/2025 16:53

She isn’t your friend.
The sooner you realise this the better.
Take a huge step back from her.
Yanbu at all.

JHound · 16/08/2025 16:48

Your friend is weird.

MrsCarson · 16/08/2025 16:47

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:57

I don't think she wants my boyfriend, she doesn't even know what he looks like! She also has a husband, although their marriage is in a rough patch at the moment.

We've been friends for 3 years but we were really close. I supported her a lot when her mum was sick and she was having marriage problems. I always thought we were open with each other and she probably knows more about my feelings than any of my other friends.

She might not be interested in him, but she doesn't want you to be with him either.
She's not a friend she's trying to cause trouble.

Alltheyellowbirds · 16/08/2025 15:26

OSTMusTisNT · 16/08/2025 13:19

They aren't a real friend to either of you. Block them, both of you.

They? It’s a she/her. A woman.

menopausalfart · 16/08/2025 15:25

Sounds as if he doesn't want to engage with her and needs your approval to let her know this. It's very odd that she messages him every day and must feel uncomfortable for him also.

Therealjudgejudy · 16/08/2025 14:44

Very strange of her, but she's not acting like a friend.

Notmyreality · 16/08/2025 14:40

She fancies him. She isnt your friend.

KiwiFall · 16/08/2025 14:38

She’s not your friend. She isn’t loyal to you. I think she’s after your boyfriend for herself and is trying to steal him for herself. If you have known the friend longer than boyfriend (which I think according to your post) speak to her and ask her what the hell she’s doing. Your BF is showing you the messages (which is good). I would want him to message her telling her to stop too.

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 16/08/2025 14:37

No, that's very very off.

I doubt she's really interested in your boyfriend, but I do think she's one of those people who has to prove that they're the "best" in order to not feel shit about themselves. She's having relationship problems, so how very dare you enjoy your new relationship. She wants to win him so she can feel superior. She'll never be a good friend because she'll always be in competition with you for all the good things in your life.

Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 14:25

OSTMusTisNT · 16/08/2025 13:19

They aren't a real friend to either of you. Block them, both of you.

Them? The only person out of order here is the friend not the boyfriend. Just one person

LemondrizzleShark · 16/08/2025 14:25

No wonder her marriage is going through a rough patch! Mine would be too if I was messaging my friends’ partners every day.

I wouldn’t say anything to her yourself (because that will just encourage her), but your DP obviously thinks it is a bit much too, so just let him know that if he wants to tell her to dial it down, you won’t have any complaints. He may be holding back in case she runs crying to you about him being mean.

ARichtGoodDram · 16/08/2025 14:23

She's not your friend - she showed that when she asked your boyfriend if she could vent about you. Attempting to put him in the middle and expecting him to listen while she bad mouthed you.

That shows she's hoping he has as little loyalty to you as she has.

heroinechic · 16/08/2025 14:21

Why don’t you just ask her why she’s privately messaging your boyfriend every day?

It sounds to me like she’s a bit jealous that you have this new relationship and she’s trying to establish herself as part of it. The fact she wanted him to ‘mediate’ your argument is strange - he isn’t a neutral party, he’s your boyfriend.

I think she’s deluding herself that she has a special friendship with him too, so you’re not ‘special’.

Sodastreamin · 16/08/2025 14:21

@DeLaRuizGrow up!

MagicaMagical · 16/08/2025 14:16

Is she worried you’re being catfished or taken advantage of?

Swiftie1878 · 16/08/2025 14:14

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 13:05

BF is a bit of a people pleaser, he's a lovely guy and would help anyone with anything. He's also super passionate about our hobby and loves any excuse to talk about it or help people.

He does shut it down sometimes and only really engages if it's directly about the hobby. He also told her one time "Go talk to Vinsomer instead of me, she's your friend" and she sent laughing faces and said "I'm allowed more than one friend". I haven't told him that it has bothered me because I didn't want him to think I was being crazy or controlling.

It’s not your BF that needs to be spoken to about it - he isn’t the problem; your ‘friend’ is.
If you are genuinely close, and talk to her about feelings (as you have suggested), just tell her what you’ve told us - that her speaking to him in private (non-group) messages every day, and often more than you do, makes you uncomfortable. That you don’t think it’s something a ‘friend’ should be doing. If she wants to know what he looks like, she could have asked to see one of your photos of him!
Just tell her it feels inappropriate given that you are her friend as are in a relationship with him.

50lbstolose · 16/08/2025 14:11

She is gaslighting both you and him with comments like "I'm allowed more than 1 friend".
She knows what she is doing is inappropriate

JustSawJohnny · 16/08/2025 14:05

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 13:05

BF is a bit of a people pleaser, he's a lovely guy and would help anyone with anything. He's also super passionate about our hobby and loves any excuse to talk about it or help people.

He does shut it down sometimes and only really engages if it's directly about the hobby. He also told her one time "Go talk to Vinsomer instead of me, she's your friend" and she sent laughing faces and said "I'm allowed more than one friend". I haven't told him that it has bothered me because I didn't want him to think I was being crazy or controlling.

You need to tell BF that it is bothering you. Make it clear that you do trust him and are not questioning his actions or intentions but you feel your friend is over stepping and trying to position herself into your relationship and it doesn't feel like she's doing it for positive reasons.

I wouldn't ask him to back off, but I would ask her to. At the end of the day, she's making him uncomfortable and putting him in a difficult position, which is why he feels like he has to keep showing you her messages. He is going out of his way to show you he is innocent in all this and he shouldn't be put in that position at all.

She's not acting like a friend to you, here. She's getting something out of this - be it a feigned 'interest' she perceives from him replying or some sort of 'power' from being in regular contact with him - whatever it is, it feels very negative.

I'd be telling her to take a giant step back, that her actions are making BF uncomfortable and remind her that sending 'Good morning' texts to other men, be they friends or not, is not going to help her marriage.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 16/08/2025 13:52

Fuck me, you’ve got a snake here. You both need to sling her back into the grass.

whynotwhatknot · 16/08/2025 13:47

nope shes after him or just trying to wind you up

ditch her