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Original poster

When someone dies.....

209 replies

Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 09:53

Posting for traffic here, all suggestions welcome.

A relative lives a very reclusive life, think a farm house in the middle of nowhere, not much contact with others, apart from occasionally getting shopping delivered from another distant relative.
If he dies, how would we find out or be notified? The distant relative doesn't have my contact details, I don't have theirs. The relative in question is elderly, doesn't see or hear well, can't read be or write very well and isn't likely to have our details to hand, or be able to read it if they did.
Is there anywhere we can register that we (my family and my father) are next of kin? Just to complicate matters, my father and them fell out some years ago and don't speak.
Thank you.

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 16/08/2025 12:57

People saying if your the person that's dead you won't care if your not found for ages.

Someone finds you. Normally police. I'm not sure everyone of them is unaffected. Kicking in doors. Finding rotting bodies.

Bodies are organic and they break down. They leak.

If the cops arrange to remove the body, you then don't walk into a pristine fresh house. It's not pleasant. Honestly. I know first hand.

helibirdcomp · 16/08/2025 12:57

I would suggest she writes to him expressing how sad it is for a family to lose touch and ask if he is happy for her to communicate with him. Put returns address and phone number on letter. If he doesn’t send reply saying no, she can continue to send letters regularly every month with just general chat about her family, what’s happening in her life, hoping he is well and asking him to get in touch if he needs any assistance. Again returns address on them. If he doesn’t get out to post office she may not get a reply but at least he has some contact outside his small world. Any letter found in house on death would help to ensure she is notified

Skissors · 16/08/2025 12:50

Exactly, and if nothing else the state will want to know details of NoK to give people a chance to arrange a funeral.

Original poster
Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:45

thefanisblowing · 16/08/2025 12:35

This is peak MN. So many people lie in wait, ready to be the first to assume the worst about the OP.

If your friend is concerned about being notified (for the obvious reasons, no one wants a body to lie undiscovered!), she could try contacting social services and leaving details. I am guessing (but don’t know for sure) that if the police wanted to trace relatives, they might contact SS to see if the person was on their radar. This might trigger SS to do a welfare check and to be honest, that might not be a bad thing (even if the relative refuses help).

Beyond that, not really sure there’s much more you can do!

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Another helpful suggestion, thank you. Honestly, you try and find information for stuff you don't know, and everyone piles on! So glad it's not my friend posting here, she's got enough to do with her toxic family and she'd be so upset.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 16/08/2025 12:43

Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:40

It's not necessarily regularly, that's the trouble. The relative is unlikely to want any "interference" in their life, such as a life line alarm, carers, social services etc. Comes under the saying "you can't help those that won't help themselves". To be fair, although their life would not be to everyone's choice, they have always lived like this but now they are older they will not accept that things might need to change.

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so long as they are happy to continue as they are and don't pose a risk to neighbours then nothing "needs to" change.

Hadalifeonce · 16/08/2025 12:41

Wrong thread.

Original poster
Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:40

YellowZebraStripes · 16/08/2025 12:23

Well if someone is doing the shopping then they will find them when they are dead. To be blunt. So no worries about them being undiscovered. It's also to be honest a harder thing for living people to swallow (being undiscovered for a while) because if you're dead, well you are gone so you aren't going to care. I would probably want to know that an elderly relative had alarms that they could activate in case they were injured.

It's not necessarily regularly, that's the trouble. The relative is unlikely to want any "interference" in their life, such as a life line alarm, carers, social services etc. Comes under the saying "you can't help those that won't help themselves". To be fair, although their life would not be to everyone's choice, they have always lived like this but now they are older they will not accept that things might need to change.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 12:38

Rather than worrying about him dying and not being found for ages, which realistically won’t actually do him any harm if he’s dead, the bigger concern would be that he fell and couldn’t call for help. I think it would be worth your friend trying to open the discussion with him about how she could help if he were in need. I recently convinced my uncle (who is not remotely reclusive but is elderly) to sort a few things out so that we could actually help. Things like making sure we had a key so that we could go and get clothes and take them to him in hospital if needed, stuff like that.

godmum56 · 16/08/2025 12:38

Once again, if a third party does it then SS will ask if they have permission and will shut them down if they haven't. Provided they still have capacity, and nothing I have read here indicates they haven't, then they can tell social services to bog off and no one can do a thing ubless the present a health or safety risk to others, eg rats, fire risk to neighbours. If someone is doing their shopping then my best suggestion is for the "friend" to contact them and ask to be kept informed but again properly they should ask the person concerned for permission to do this. Better still why does the "friend" not try to make contact with their older relative themselves? Got to say as a retired Occupational Therapist and now an old person myself it gets right up my nose when people think that old or disbled people shouldn't be able to make their own choices and decisions. I do wonder how this "friend" knows so much about the person's circumstances if they never visit and the person won't communicate with them?

Argh25 · 16/08/2025 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 12:37

Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:33

Quite! You try and help a friend, and yes it is a friend, not me, and you get jumped on! Thanks

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What drew you to AIBU of all places?

You joined mumsnet just to start the thread or NC?

thefanisblowing · 16/08/2025 12:35

Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:29

Goodness me, there's some unpleasant answers here, but thanks for the helpful suggestions received. I assume people are either not reading my further updates, (and I apologise for not putting more details in originally), or people are judging on the situation without properly understanding after reading. I'm glad that I asked the question, as if she had posted here she would have been very upset with some of the responses, which are very far from the reality. I know the situation and can see that difficulties lie ahead, and I'm trying to support my friend in finding out things she doesn't know.
She does have a cordial relationship with the relative, although from miles away it's difficult to "pop in once a week" as someone suggested. Her dad has fallen out with the relative, but to be fair, he's fallen out with everyone.
Again, it's not money related,I can't emphasise that enough. And yes, the thought that he could die and not be discovered for ages is a worry, he has dogs and cats, that's a whole other worry.
Thank you for the helpful ideas that some people have suggested, I'll pass them on.

This is peak MN. So many people lie in wait, ready to be the first to assume the worst about the OP.

If your friend is concerned about being notified (for the obvious reasons, no one wants a body to lie undiscovered!), she could try contacting social services and leaving details. I am guessing (but don’t know for sure) that if the police wanted to trace relatives, they might contact SS to see if the person was on their radar. This might trigger SS to do a welfare check and to be honest, that might not be a bad thing (even if the relative refuses help).

Beyond that, not really sure there’s much more you can do!

Original poster
Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:33

Motcouk · 16/08/2025 12:19

Quite Dumplinger. I was thinking that the only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions!

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Quite! You try and help a friend, and yes it is a friend, not me, and you get jumped on! Thanks

OP posts:
Climbingrosexx · 16/08/2025 12:31

Climbingrosexx · 16/08/2025 12:30

So you want to register yourself as next of kin and be informed of their death but can't be bothered to keep in touch with them while they are alive? I have relatives I am not in touch with so would not expect to be notified of their death. This is a very odd post.

To add to this I suppose I was surprised by your original post and have not read the updates, if I have got it wrong I hold my hands up and apologise

Climbingrosexx · 16/08/2025 12:30

So you want to register yourself as next of kin and be informed of their death but can't be bothered to keep in touch with them while they are alive? I have relatives I am not in touch with so would not expect to be notified of their death. This is a very odd post.

Original poster
Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 12:29

Goodness me, there's some unpleasant answers here, but thanks for the helpful suggestions received. I assume people are either not reading my further updates, (and I apologise for not putting more details in originally), or people are judging on the situation without properly understanding after reading. I'm glad that I asked the question, as if she had posted here she would have been very upset with some of the responses, which are very far from the reality. I know the situation and can see that difficulties lie ahead, and I'm trying to support my friend in finding out things she doesn't know.
She does have a cordial relationship with the relative, although from miles away it's difficult to "pop in once a week" as someone suggested. Her dad has fallen out with the relative, but to be fair, he's fallen out with everyone.
Again, it's not money related,I can't emphasise that enough. And yes, the thought that he could die and not be discovered for ages is a worry, he has dogs and cats, that's a whole other worry.
Thank you for the helpful ideas that some people have suggested, I'll pass them on.

OP posts:
YellowZebraStripes · 16/08/2025 12:23

Well if someone is doing the shopping then they will find them when they are dead. To be blunt. So no worries about them being undiscovered. It's also to be honest a harder thing for living people to swallow (being undiscovered for a while) because if you're dead, well you are gone so you aren't going to care. I would probably want to know that an elderly relative had alarms that they could activate in case they were injured.

Isittimeformynapyet · 16/08/2025 12:21

RB68 · 16/08/2025 12:16

yeah but I'm not then proceeding to slag people off based on assumptions am I

"rellie" 🤮

Motcouk · 16/08/2025 12:19

Dumplinger · 16/08/2025 10:34

FFS these replies- classic mumsnet.

I'm sorry I don't have the answer but - hey everyone, it's quite normal to want to know if someone in your family dies even if you don't have a relationship with them. And it's not necessarily about the money.

My cousin who I hadn't seen since I was 4, had zero contact with and wouldn't recognise but heard of obliquely every few years via other family members died last year. Despite no direct relationship, I still felt shock and sadness at their death and was grateful to be informed.

I'd also put it that wouldn't be right 'not' to have been informed.

Quite Dumplinger. I was thinking that the only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions!

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 12:17

RB68 · 16/08/2025 12:16

yeah but I'm not then proceeding to slag people off based on assumptions am I

well that’s what happens when an OP starts a thread on AIBU providing the most scant of detail

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 12:16

I'm trying to help a friend in difficult circumstances deal with her family.

a “friend” my ass

why not suggest to your friend that she too join us to mumsnet and start a thread on AIBU (of all places 😆) asking for advice?

RB68 · 16/08/2025 12:16

yeah but I'm not then proceeding to slag people off based on assumptions am I

Isittimeformynapyet · 16/08/2025 12:15

ruffler45 · 16/08/2025 12:04

For information as solicitors are reluctant to store them these days.

Destroying a will (if it gets found out) is a criminal offence

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/store-a-will-with-the-probate-service

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TBF, it's a criminal offence whether it gets found out or not.

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 12:14

RB68 · 16/08/2025 12:10

Lots of assumptions on here and lots of slagging off OP but you don't even know the situation so just answer the question.

I would make sure logged with GP and I would contact 101 and advise of his living situation and that he is not well and chooses not to be in contact but you do have responsibilities should they pass away etc and log your info with them linked to his address.

I would also speak to rellie that is organising shopping etc make sure they have your contact and you could also help out with that in terms of cost etc.

Sometimes age and ill-health can mean they choose no contact as don't want to be mithered etc and less to do with inheritance etc. I know I have relatives that I am not in touch with but were they to pass away I would want to make sure things were handled for funerals etc.

Loads of “assumptions” here too!

Sevenamcoffee · 16/08/2025 12:14

It happened in my family that someone died and nobody knew because they had fallen out with everyone. The local council tracked a family member eventually and they’d obviously made some effort to do this. It meant we could organise the funeral. Wasn’t talking to anyone but we still all had a duty and connection to them and wouldn’t have wanted nobody at the funeral. Nothing to do with money.