AIBU to feel a bit betrayed over something from 15 years ago?

That is is a really unpleasant post for someone who is feeling a normal ( to many people) reaction

Op - emotions aren't rational and you really are perfectly entitled to yours.

I don't think talking about this with your friend will help and it might do harm but talking to someone else who is not in any way involved might . Ideally someone a bit more sympathetic than 'theotheragentjohnson" .

You probably do need to tease out how you want to behave after this realisation. It might affect yout friendship or it might not. Take some time to work out your feelings and then work out what you think about your feelings. How fond are you of your friends, how willing to forgive this hurt ( minor as it might be it is a hurt) .

You can stop seeing so much of your friends if it will make you feel better but work out if that is actually the case and that you are acting purposely and not just reacting.

You absolutely have a choice about how you react and your friends did a shitty thing. Maybe not majorly so and a long time ago but they nonetheless did. You get the choice over how you react to that- not a bunch of strangers on MN

But it’s not about wanting to fix anything. There’s nothing to fix. It’s about this knowledge changing who you see these people as. Now you know, you know that they’re the sort of people who think cheating on a friend is acceptable. Of course it changes his you interact with them now!

Is the hurt more about the fact that you've been left in the dark all this time?

If you'd known at the time you'd have responded to the knowledge back then, maybe got over it and still been friends - but from an honest place.

I think just give yourself time to process before doing anything.

Then, if you wish, you could say something about how the fact they knew and you didn't made you feel uncomfortable.

It's ok to take time to review friendships when new info comes to light. You don't owe them anything other than basic politeness.

Exactly! This thread is bananas, pp are talking like a marriage was broken up. It was a four month student relationship that fizzled out. Loads of people at university were in scenarios like this—young, randy people, getting drunk all the time and working out who they liked and how to do relationships. The idea that you'd call any of it a betrayal is idiotic, and to actually consider ghosting adult friends over it! Man alive—friendships would never make it past university if these were the criteria.

I think if someone in their early 20s posted that they'd been exclusively dating someone for 5 months and then found out that their good friend was sleeping with their boyfriend, the advice would be to drop both of them, not 'don't worry about it, you're only young' or 'well if they stay together they were clearly meant to be anyway'. So I think it's normal to feel betrayed, probably more than a bit, because by keeping this from you they took away the choice of whether you wanted to be friends with them for years or not. I think it's OK to vocalise that: it's possible to both not care that the relationship ended, be genuinely glad that things worked out for them, but also be pissed off that a friend thought it was OK to shag your boyfriends and then hide this from you for 20 years. Without mortgages and kids etc it would have been very easy for him to end it with you before they got together

Did you not do anything that youre less than proud of now, when you were younger??
I look back at some of the things I did and cringe!! Some decisions I made literally haunt me.
Its called growing up, we all do it

I can understand that it hurts. I think it’s fine to mention it, and distance yourself a little. It’s not a nice thing to do to someone, even if time has passed, it’s still not great. And you are entitled to feel exactly whatever you feel.

The anniversary of when they first met, did they get together right away or was it a slow burn? It could be that your end was due to their meeting and wanting to start.

YANBU to feel hurt, but one good thing is that it has lasted, and they are happily married (as are you), so the universe did its stuff.

Dont stress about it, is history more important than the friendship? Only you can answer that, can you put it right in your head to move past?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re not saying that you want him back or whatever. You’re saying that it would have been a betrayal from both of them to have got together when you thought you were exclusive with him. It’s about trust. You thought they were trustworthy and now it feels like you’re seeing them in a new light.

it’s difficult to bring up now because it is in the past, but I am with you in that I would want to distance myself from them, purely on the basis that they don’t respect you as much as you thought. Does shit happen? Yes. Do people change? Also yes. But it would make me very vary about letting them get too close.

If you say anything you’ll look like you still care about him.

I don’t disagree that it’s poor behaviour from your friends. See how you feel in a few weeks/the next meet up and take it from there.

FFS this is ridiculous. You were all young, you were all just dating. There's no betrayal here, just young people figuring things out. Don't be such a bloody drama queen.

You ANBU to feel hurt and upset after finding this out. She must realise you ‘did the math’ and probably told her DH. So they are probably feeling a bit bad about it. But you were all 15 years younger and it sounds like they were meant be together. So after having a moan to whoever, I would just put it behind you. Sounds like you don’t live near them as only see occasionally.

Maybe they have forgotten when they actually got together? Some people have bad memories for dates and things like that. She was flustered though, so I am probably wrong , but maybe they just have rewritten the past a bit and getting confused? You clearly don’t begrudge them being together now , but I can understand why you feel duped if he was seeing her behind your back all those years ago when it was meant to be a few months after you split up. They have kept that quiet for a long time :(
Did you keep any kind of diary or journals for that time to double check the dates ? it’s not always easy to exactly remember things from 15 years ago , but it sounds dodgy.

Why on earth would you bring it up?
What resolution would you want?

I don't think YABU to feel hurt and upset, but I do think its pointless to bring it up now.

I think I would try to accept it was shitty of them, still occasionally meet up if you want, leave them if you think it was too much of a betrayal, and move along

All your lives have worked out fine, it's not like you're bereft at the idea of having lost him.

Sorry you found out though, it's never a nice thing to uncover.