Can you ever go back after separating?

Op it's just guilt your feeling. Not regret. It's really normal and natural to feel guilt in this situation. You didn't want this, if he had been different you wouldn't have done this.

He's treated you like crap for years and trained you to think it's your fault. It's not it's his.

Do not take him back.

I have a friend going through this at the moment and he has decided to try again with his wife whilst continuing to live separately. They are currently papering over the cracks IMO but only time will tell.

No abuse as far as I know in my friends situation though. In yours I wouldn't bother op. You left him for very good reasons.

The chance was the few months notice you gave before you left.
Getting back together only works if he was the one looking at counciling, and actively changing. But it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything. So why waste your time on someone who can’t try to save their relationship? One person trying isn’t enough.

You are just scared because of the change. Roll with the uncomfortableness . It will pass

He is an abuser.. That doesn't go away.
Your relationship was a toxic one.
That won't be different.. He isn't any different..
Your poor dps must be distraught..

I left after 7 years (not married) we had 3 dc. Split for 6 months. He persuaded me he had changed. Got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Filed for divorce as soon as was allowed.. A year in.
Don't do it op..

'Man haters'. Are you him? No-one said splitting up is a bed of roses but it's infinitely better than staying in a toxic relationship. Splitting up is hard on kids but it's better than being exposed to arguments and psychological abuse.

There’s nothing in what you’ve written that suggests he’s taking any responsibility for his behaviour towards you or has any insight into why you left. On that basis I’d say you’d be mad to go back - and absolute minimum would be him recognising his behaviour was wrong and him showing you now that he’s changed. Instead he’s doubling down on his treatment of you and his blame of you. Unless he shows significant, immediate and consistent change over a long period of time I’d not be giving him a second chance. Listen to your mum on this one.

Welcome to reality, although it’s the first piece of advice all the MN man-haters give (walk out / dump him), guess what divorce is stressful, being a single parent is difficult and stressful. He’s no longer under any obligation to assist in any way - particularly as you dumped him. And that’s before we get to the trauma for the kids.

You unmade your bed, you don’t get to lie in it any longer.

I mean, there are couples who split and get back together so anything's possible, but there's nothing in your OP to suggest it would be a happier relationship the second time around. You've listed a lot of negatives for being apart but no positives for getting back together. He's treated you badly and had no interest in trying to fix things until after you left him; only now is he suddenly willing to make an effort.

What has he done whilst you've been split to demonstrate his commitment to building a healthier relationship going forward? Had he gone to counselling? Got anger management? Has he acknowledged the ways he behaved badly? Is he making co-parenting as easy as possible for you? I'm going to guess he hasn't done any of those things. I agree with your DM, he is telling you what you want to hear but as soon as you're back together he will revert straight back to how he was before, or worse, because now he'll know he can get away with it.

I think most people who get back together do so for the wrong reasons: fear of change, fear of being alone, trauma bonds, etc. You split up with this man for a reason OP. It takes time to build a new life for yourself but it is possible. Don't make the same mistake twice.

He’s an ex for a reason!

I think you should try for longer now you left that was probably one of the hardest things to do. If he was horrible to you going back won’t change him. the fact he told you to grow up means he has no respect for how you felt. I would say the only thing to be worried about is he might move on pretty quickly then you have no choice anymore. I have read another thread on here where the woman wanted to separate and now she has to see her kids spend time with his new gf. Men don’t usually hang about but if you felt trapped think about that.

We all look back with rose tinted glasses but what would the you that was walking out the door with bags packed say to you today who’s thinking of going back again?

Go to counselling to help you decide what you want

There will be excellent advice from people here. Read it. The person who loves you, knows the relationship dynamic and is counselling you against reconciling. Take it.

Read my lips!
Leopards don’t change their spots.

I’ve got the cap and tee-shirt. Dont! Just don’t!

Why did you feel trapped?

What do you mean treating you badly? If he abused you mentally and/or physically, don’t go back.
how old are your kids? It will be very confusing for them…

Would he go to counselling?

All you are doing going back is just re-loading the gun.

Don't do it!! Stay strong 💛

Only if you can fix what was wrong in the first place.

One person can’t make a relationship work. What is he proposing has changed, what work is he willing to do? I think it can work if, during the separation there’s real work in both sides to understand what went wrong and real effort to address those issues. They need sorted out before you move back together though, not him moving back on a promise to sort things.

Give yourself time to adjust to your life now, and for him to do the same. If you still feel you want to give it another go do some therapy together and individually, agree on what the issues were that split you up and don’t plan to live together until you’ve both done the work.

None of that applies if he’s abusive, if that’s the case you’re done.

It’s far too early for you to make any decisions. Spend time getting used to the new normal because it will always be a difficult transition.
You may end up loving your single life once emotions settle.
But if you want to try again you need more assurances that there will be real and sustained behaviour change from your ex. Counselling could help but he needs to be on his own for longer to experience the reality of his new life too.
It’s possible he could appreciate the life you had together and want to put the work in to change. It’s also possible he could be on the dating sites looking for someone else!
Give it a few months at least before you make any decisions.

We spent a year separated. We had a few sessions of couples counselling, which focused on identifying our individual flaws in the relationship. We then each had individual counselling to work through those aspects with different counsellors. We then dated for nearly a year before husband moved home. We have a very different marriage now, far more intentional. It has been a number of years now, and honestly, we are better than ever.

A few weeks apart isn't enough to let the emotions settle and find a new rhythm and to really work out what you want.