Can you ever go back after separating?

I hope you work it out. We also later had a disabled child, which actually brought us closer together. I did ask my DH what he wanted from marriage before we got back together, and he said he wanted to be left alone 😂. And that's when I realised there were faults on both sides, and I had probably expected far too much and had nagged about trivia in what was an incredibly difficult work situation for him. He is also a reserved person who just likes to potter at his hobbies, whereas I am the opposite. We just accept each other for who we are now and enjoy each other's little foibles.

We had a 6 month break when my DC was 3. Got quite a way into divorce proceedings. Then we realised that we both wanted to try to make a go of it, and wished it hadn't happened.. We "dated" for a few months to avoid disturbing our child so we knew it would be stable. And we talked about what we both wanted from our marriage. I realised there were things I had to change too, there are 2 sides. A lot of it was work stress.
When we got back together my family was apprehensive but accepted, his family was delighted for us. Friends were also apprehensive but accepted. We agreed we would never recriminate or bring it up, and we didn't. There would have been no point in point scoring.
Despite what people say, we never reverted. Everyone else quickly forgot and moved on. DC very happy. Had more children and are still happily together 40 years later.
So it can work with the right attitude on both parts.

And on this, yes, there was someone else involved while we were separated. But honestly, against all MN beliefs on infidelity, there has never been a sniff of anything since. It was very much a symptom, not a cause, which again, I know MN doesn't like to believe.

If anything, I was the awful one to live with, and I didn't take him seriously when he tried to talk to me about how unhappy he was becoming. I suffer from unbearable hormonal mood swings, and got worse and worse as my 40s progressed. He tried to tell me, and I wouldn't listen, just got angrier with him. HRT has helped, but I had to go private to get properly stabilised.

I have definitely lost some friends over deciding to work things out. And my siblings still avoid him/me. That is their choice to make, same as I made mine. Part of the counselling I had helped me recognize that my values system is very different to theirs.

Yes, we do. They were pre-teen to mid teen when we went through it. I won't lie, it was incredibly hard for them, which was part of the reason we didn't rush things and made sure it was what we both wanted before he moved home.

I knew I wanted to work things out and stay married, husband was not and it took him a long time to decide. I didn't chase, I got on with my life and left him to his. Kids had refused to visit him while we were separated and both old enough that no court would ever have enforced it, so if he wanted to see them, he had to come to the house. He turned up on one occasion and I had visitors. He turned tail and left. I asked him why and he said it was eye opening that I had a life without him and that was what it would be like to be divorced, no longer able to come and go as he wished from my home. Shortly after that, he decided he wanted to work things out.

Please don't go back. He will always resent you and bring up your leaving him in every argument.

Generally, your children will be happier if you are. Good luck

He had plenty of chances to put things right, he is a gas lighter OP.

You haven't had time yet to create a happy home, that's a longer term prospect, you are still reeling from recent change.

The stuff about anniversary cards etc - of course, why wouldn't you receive them if you were together?

Don’t go back.
always remember the reason you left.

We still live in the same town, and have both been at 2 family events this year, perfectly amicably. But it's nearly 10 years now, and there's no going back for either of us. It was my decision to end things, there were no affairs or anything, and we both now know it was for the best. We once loved each other dearly, and know that the other is fundamentally a decent human being. Our kids (all grown up and living their lives) appreciate how we've handled things ☺️

OP, I am in a similar situation, was actually searching for a thread like this before I started one.

I am also not sure, already living apart. I am so worried about the impact on kids if it didn't work out again, far more trauma than needed. Also, I do wonder if my friends and family would ever be the same again with me/us, probably not (infidelity on his part) and would probably have to accept I would lose some friends if we tried again. I certainly couldn't talk to them if things ever went wrong again.

I feel 99% sure it's over as he was awful for a while. It's just gut wrenching that family life is over.

Do you have children Confabulations? Just interested, as we're in a similar position but I am worried about the confusion for the kids and potentially not working out again, creating more upset for them. Without kids, would be more straightforward.

If you are having doubts about separating then maybe you are not ready to separate? You don't want any regrets about your decision. It is probably better to be sure you've done everything you could to save the marriage and have it not work a 2nd time than live with regrets and what if

It can be done. It may take a few years apart though. My parents separated for about 9 years when I was in my 20s.

Your mum is right.

No I would say not.

He had plenty of opportunity to do the counselling. He’s (still) being manipulative.

He should go and do some on his own if he is now motivated to do so - that could also be something that benefits you, but wouldn’t start counselling now as a couple.

As PP have said there are good reasons why you split it wasn’t on a whim and it does get harder before getting better.

Stay as you are until the dust settles and reassess where you are in 6 months?

You were unhappy you might still be unhappy currently, but at least there is a chance to move on and find happiness now.

My parents split up for a year and got back together and everything as been amazing since . Probably quite rare but it is possible.
I would give it more time though as a few weeks isn’t long . It was obviously serious enough to trial it in the first place .
The families will support you in the end I’m sure .

@BaaBaaStripySheep your mum is 100% right! I think you know this deep down.

And your DH is unpleasant and controlling. He has managed to get you to think that YOU have to take responsibility for HIS bad behaviour (you absolutely do not), and he is gaslighting your feelings.

Give yourself more time. Those little things you miss will soon be replaced by new activities and routines.

Please please don't consider going back to him. You don't say how old your children are, but it would give them a terrible message about what is acceptable in a relationship.

Early in our divorce my ex wife suggested that we try and have another go. Specifically that we look at the issues that caused our marriage to break up and agree to go on some courses to tackle those issues.

Not that I am aware of one called 'Stop being a Physco but I may be wrong'

OK said I BUT you will have to go on an anger management course

Bang when that proposal!

Also something to think about is whether things were better as you planned to leave because you stopped caring/let things go over you as you knew it wasn’t going to continue. When I was planning to leave DH he thought we were getting on really well as we weren’t arguing so much but that was only because I could not be bothered to keep challenging his behaviour and I’d stopped caring as I knew I’d be out of there soon

Be honest with yourself OP- likelihood is that you did try and try for years and you told him he was making you unhappy and what he needed to do and he didn’t do it….so you tried but he didn’t. Now he realises you’re serious and he wants to put the effort in to change things but he didn’t care enough before, it’s too little too late.
you’ve done the hard bit for your children, don’t unsettle them by getting back together only to split up again. Ride these feelings out and know that if he’d done whatever he’s now saying he will
years ago this wouldn’t have happened

I know several people who separated when younger for a year or so, then got back together and stayed happily married afterwards for decades. There was a reason why they got together. Life becomes difficult with hard work, money worries, parenting and relationships become stressful. A separation gives you both chance to think about why you got together, how you were being with each other (generally two sides to every story) and what you both want out of life. It gives you a chance to step back from the arguments.
In your twenties and thirties there is a different perspective and as you get older and look back things become more calm and easier.

So yes, I think there often is a way back but it takes two and calm positive thoughts on both sides to work through the difficulties and agree to face them together without blame and recriminations.

I split from my husband with two little children and got my life together, I actually had money for once and started to feel better without the constant upset. We had been in couples counselling for a bit during the marriage, however he decided it was just my fault and left counselling, I just ended up going alone.

After six months separated, felt guilty that I had split everyone up, so I went back. My husband made all the promises in the world that things had changed, but as soon as we moved in together again, it was worse than ever. It was like he was in control now that I had 'given in'. I don't think he realised I would actually go through with divorcing him. I did, and it's been 12 years now being a single parent. He has made every step incredibly difficult, however I didn't have to live with him, thank God.

The reasons it’s over will still be there but now, as you say, will be overlaid with the fact that you left him. Your mum’s right. I wouldn’t go back, I would concentrate on getting your life together with the kids and improving your own situation. Just like some jobs, there’s a reason you don’t go back. Just the fact that you finished things means you’re in a different place now than you were when mired in the relationship. What the phrase “rear view mirrors are small but the front windscreen is much bigger cos you’re looking forwards, not back.