Page 2 | Pregnancy made me realise I don’t want a 2nd

Sfex1 · 2025-08-16T08:16:45+00:00

Posting here for traffic. As the title says, I have just found out I’m pregnant and all it has done is confirm that I absolutely do not want a 2nd child. I have 1 DC who is 3, who is genuinely the light of my life. However I’ve made no secret of the fact I also find it incredibly hard, and have always been unsure whether I even wanted 1 let alone more. We have been speaking about having a 2nd, and whilst I’ve never been 100% no as a little bit of me wonders what it would be like, I’m more than happy with 1. My husband would love another, but was happy with whatever I decided. Fast forward to now, and despite being on the pill I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. And all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined my life, and I absolutely do not want a 2nd. We can afford it, both in time and money, but selfishly I just don’t want one. I’m finally starting to get a bit of me and my old life back - time with friends and for me, just got a great promotion, my husband and I have regular date nights etc. - and the thought of going back to nappies/night feeds/maternity leave again makes me want to cry. But it’s not just the baby stage - now it’s a reality, I just don’t want 2 children at any stage. 1 is hard enough despite what a joy they are, and the thought of doing all of this twice over makes me nothing but shudder. I found out a few days ago and haven’t told a soul. I know I need to tell DH soon, but as soon as I do that’s it - it’s reality. I’m absolutely pro-choice, and I know I do have a choice here. But there is no way DH would support that choice when he wants a 2nd, which I completely respect. So what kind of choice is it - either option seems hopeless. I either - 1. tell DH and have a 2nd despite categorically not wanting it. 1. tell DH and have a termination, but knowing that quite rightly would be the end of my marriage. 1. don’t tell DH and have a termination, but that feels so many levels of wrong I can’t even comprehend. I’m actually sat here hoping I come on my period and it’s a chemical pregnancy - how awful of a mother does that make me?! What the fuck do I do.

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 11:38

catsareace · 16/08/2025 11:34

Why are folks arguing about what this when op asked for an opinion and being called toxic FFS. How about having some sensitivity on what must be very hard for the OP instead of making it all about you!!!

what is toxic is having a termination behind husbands back shows a person is capable of lying and being disrepectful and serious toxic would ring alarm bells and raise serious red flags

Maray1967 · 16/08/2025 11:36

Turtledude · 16/08/2025 09:47

This is miss information, a termination through Bpas you can ask for it not to be on your medical records and your GP will not be informed.

Show quote history

In that case I would go for option 3, forget about it and move on. You will need to think through how you can deal with the physical after effects - if it’s the same as a ERPC which I had after mc 3 this should be very minor. I was back at home mid pm with only
light spotting for a day or two afterwards. Worked as normal the next day.

catsareace · 16/08/2025 11:34

Why are folks arguing about what this when op asked for an opinion and being called toxic FFS. How about having some sensitivity on what must be very hard for the OP instead of making it all about you!!!

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2025 11:32

catsareace · 16/08/2025 11:26

It is also her body and choice not her husbands.

Show quote history

Oh please, I never said it wasn't. She's obviously entitled to have a termination with or without her DH's consent.

But isn't it also her husband's marriage? Surely he's entitled to all of the facts before deciding whether or not he actually he wants to continue with this marriage or find someone else with whom he can potentially have more kids? Or are we now encouraging women to lie to men in order to trap them?

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 11:31

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2025 10:35

Yes, I'm revolted by some of these responses. He's her husband and father of her child, not some random one night stand.

Show quote history

agree some of the responses are horrendous if people can keep this from a partner then what else are they hiding I feel bad for their poor partners and the partners should run miles from these seriously toxic women who are recommending such a thing

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 11:27

Sfex1 · 16/08/2025 10:52

Thank you for all of the responses so far, they genuinely have made me feel less alone. To pick up on a few of the points -

DH is a wonderful man who in no way would pressure me or force me to go through with it if I was adamant I didn’t want to. The comment about it being the end of my marriage though is around whether or not he could forgive me/would resent me for getting rid of, for him, a much wanted child. Even if he did support me now, which I have no doubt he would, it’s more the future impact I don’t know whether we would survive.

I know, however, I very likely would end up being the one to resent him if I do continue with the pregnancy and end up with a child I do not want.

That leaves option 3 - which reassuringly a lot of people are recommending. However it does feel like too much of a betrayal and I would have to live with that secret, which I just don’t know whether I can do. And as somebody has pointed out, if he were to ever find out at a later date then the fallout would be horrific. I do also feel that as my DH and the ultimate father, he does have a right to know.

So I still have no idea. I’m due out for my friends hen do tonight which is also massively stressing me out. I obviously can’t tell anybody I’m pregnant, I can’t go and not drink without it being obvious (trust me, me not having a wine they would know), but I can’t go and drink because that feels all kinds of wrong despite me probably not continuing the pregnancy. So I’m not trying to think what to say/what sicky to pull that’s believable to DH too as he knows I’d never not go willingly.

I have just filled in the online consultation for BPAS, which seems a big step in itself. Thank you to the person who confirmed it doesn’t go on your medical records - that was a big worry initially.

if you can keep something as massive as a termination from your husband what else are you hiding from him the posters saying option three should not be reassuring it should be ringing alarm bells big style

Sunnyafternooning · 16/08/2025 11:26

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 10:19

Thank you for correcting me. I genuinely didn’t know that. This could make a big difference to OP’s situation. Though I still think it would be a difficult secret to keep, if only from a personal point of view of it playing on your mind and feeling that you should tell.

Show quote history

Just to be aware, that’s the theory but I did this (many many!) years ago, said I didn’t want it on my medical records… and I assume there was a cock up, because it was added- I asked for my records for something else and it was there.

That was with Marie stopes, in the mid 2000s.

catsareace · 16/08/2025 11:26

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2025 10:35

Yes, I'm revolted by some of these responses. He's her husband and father of her child, not some random one night stand.

Show quote history

It is also her body and choice not her husbands.

indoorplantqueen · 16/08/2025 11:23

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I would do option 2. Personally I couldn’t live with the guilt of lying to dh and having a termination.
You’re very early on in your pregnancy, some people don’t even know by now. Go out and have a few drinks (make up an excuse and say you feel sick after 2/3). Then think about your decision when you have more time.

Original poster

Sfex1 · 16/08/2025 10:52

Thank you for all of the responses so far, they genuinely have made me feel less alone. To pick up on a few of the points -

DH is a wonderful man who in no way would pressure me or force me to go through with it if I was adamant I didn’t want to. The comment about it being the end of my marriage though is around whether or not he could forgive me/would resent me for getting rid of, for him, a much wanted child. Even if he did support me now, which I have no doubt he would, it’s more the future impact I don’t know whether we would survive.

I know, however, I very likely would end up being the one to resent him if I do continue with the pregnancy and end up with a child I do not want.

That leaves option 3 - which reassuringly a lot of people are recommending. However it does feel like too much of a betrayal and I would have to live with that secret, which I just don’t know whether I can do. And as somebody has pointed out, if he were to ever find out at a later date then the fallout would be horrific. I do also feel that as my DH and the ultimate father, he does have a right to know.

So I still have no idea. I’m due out for my friends hen do tonight which is also massively stressing me out. I obviously can’t tell anybody I’m pregnant, I can’t go and not drink without it being obvious (trust me, me not having a wine they would know), but I can’t go and drink because that feels all kinds of wrong despite me probably not continuing the pregnancy. So I’m not trying to think what to say/what sicky to pull that’s believable to DH too as he knows I’d never not go willingly.

I have just filled in the online consultation for BPAS, which seems a big step in itself. Thank you to the person who confirmed it doesn’t go on your medical records - that was a big worry initially.

OP posts:

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2025 10:47

Indianajet · 16/08/2025 10:44

You really need to tell your husband - this would be a huge secret to keep for the rest of your life.

Plus grossly unfair for her DH, who has expressed a strong desire to have more children. If he is that desperate for more he has the right to leave the marriage and find someone else to have more with. Just like if the situation was reversed.

Indianajet · 16/08/2025 10:44

You really need to tell your husband - this would be a huge secret to keep for the rest of your life.

Zanatdy · 16/08/2025 10:43

Option 3.

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 10:41

wineosaurus4 · 16/08/2025 09:55

Option 3, that’s what I would do in your position anyway. It’s the kindest option for all of you.

wow your poor husband obv u don't have any care consideration or respect for him to lie and go behind his back and people wonder why women get a bad name

SErunner · 16/08/2025 10:37

You have to talk to your husband, which leaves you with option 1 or 2. Or option 4: tell your husband and urgently seek some therapy input to support you through whatever your decision. For what it’s worth, I thought I wanted 2, then when it didn’t happen became very certain we were done and happy with 1. Then number 2 came along. Totally different baby, totally different experience, it’s a bit harder and busier but not that bad, nowhere near the transition of 0-1. I’m glad this is where we’ve ended up now.

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 10:36

srry he has a right to know either way and it is wrong to go ahead with termination and not tell him that would be beyond cruel and wrong

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2025 10:35

RowanRed90 · 16/08/2025 09:52

Can't believe people are recommending option 3.

You need to talk to your husband

Yes, I'm revolted by some of these responses. He's her husband and father of her child, not some random one night stand.

ErrolTheDragon · 16/08/2025 10:28

Iocainepowder · 16/08/2025 09:46

Sorry you’re in this situation op. I completely hear you, and I believe many women who have terminations already have children.

I would be honest with him and do option 2, on the basis that if you feel you have to hide this from him and he doesn’t respect that you don’t want to put your body through this again, then the marriage is not the best thing to continue anyway.

Yes. He may surprise you by respecting and loving you more than a child which doesn’t exist yet (certainly not in the way you do). Why do you doubt this?
if you go for 3, it will be corrosive and if he ever did find out then that really would destroy your relationship in the worst way.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/08/2025 10:27

Even if it was on OPs medical records, I can't forsee many situations where it would come up (outside pregnancy related situations, which isn't going to happen again).

The biggest chance of him finding out is if something goes a bit wrong or you need some extra checks or support during the termination process

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/08/2025 10:25

I'd probably go with 3. At this stage it's not a baby it's a medical situation your body is undergoing and he has no right to know. Yea the moral thing may be to tell him but in this case its not going to change the outcome, ita just going to hurt him, so taking a pragmatic approach it's not going to achieve anything by telling him. Also...I definitely found two harder than one, for the first 2 or 3 years anyway

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 10:19

Turtledude · 16/08/2025 09:47

This is miss information, a termination through Bpas you can ask for it not to be on your medical records and your GP will not be informed.

Show quote history

Thank you for correcting me. I genuinely didn’t know that. This could make a big difference to OP’s situation. Though I still think it would be a difficult secret to keep, if only from a personal point of view of it playing on your mind and feeling that you should tell.

marshmallowfinder · 16/08/2025 10:13

Kpo58 · 16/08/2025 09:43

I personally have found that having 2 wasn't any harder than only having one. In some ways it was easier as they had someone else to play with instead of just me (which was rather draining).

If you really don't want the pregnancy, I would also go for 3.

It's absolutely huge. Might be the case talking about small kids but as teenagers, young adults, and adults, having two is MASSIVELY different. Especially if there are additional needs, lifetime problems, failure to launch, university/career problems....

There is nothing wrong at all with choosing to have one child. It's a hell of a lot easier and cheaper too. Go with your heart OP.

Iheartmysmart · 16/08/2025 10:04

It sounds like you think your husband would leave if you terminated this pregnancy. So you either go through with it, despite knowing that it isn’t what you want and run the very real risk of resenting him for putting you in this position, or you go with option 3 and terminate without telling him.

Personally, I wasn’t that bothered about having kids, hated being pregnant and really didn’t really enjoy being a parent until DS was around 8 so he is an only child. I wouldn’t hesitate to go with option 3 if I were you.

Sarah2891 · 16/08/2025 10:04

Don't hide it from him. That will come back to bite you at some point. Just be completely honest about how you feel and what you want.

Breadandsticks · 16/08/2025 10:02

I personally would tell. And if I’ve decided that I want a termination I would voice that.

With my second, I told him and said I wanted a termination. I knew he wasn’t keen on terminations (from past conversations) but he was very supportive.

We ended up keeping the second - I went to the appointments and kept backing out. I’ll be honest and say that whilst we have a great kid (in terms of temperament), life has been difficult (in terms of unexpected health etc) which has made parenting difficult. But, we have a huge age gap between our first and second and I know that it gets easier when they become more independent.

I would make up my mind before having the conversation. If you do have a termination and you tell him I’d advice booking in couples councelling soon after - which is what me and my OH planned as we knew it could bring up resentment or unspoken feelings.