Do I Need To End This?

Was he YOUR personal trainer and he spent a year persuading you to go out with him?

Your dh was studying though, he had potential and a career plan. This bloke is a personal trainer and wonders why he doesn't have a good reliable salary.

His situation isn't going to change unless he gets a permanent fulltime job.

OP you are not deeply in love. If you were, it wouldn’t be crossing your mind to dump someone because he can’t afford to go on holiday.

If you are considering leaving him for this, you haven't "fallen hard" and you are not "deeply in love" as I understand those terms.

You are allowed to have your own priorities and choose what makes you happy of course, and nobody can judge you for that.

You have choices:

You could keep seeing him and forgive the trips/visits and meals out.

You could pay for him some of the time (can't understand why this concept repulses you so much).

You could do said trips etc on your own/with friends (,which you will have to anyway if you dump him).

OR of course, you could finish with him.

If you choose that, I don't think you can really claim to have loved him, though.

I would look at it this way-
Say you'd really love to go on 3 holidays and 4 weekends away a year that you and your partner went 50/50 on. But you can't so for now you could settle for one holiday and two weekends away that you would pay for.
It depends if you'd still resent that but you wouldn't spent any more money than the former option.
And you can always do other things with friends such as your girls holiday.
Personally I wouldn't be too quick to lose a personal trainer 7 years my junior!
Edited a typo

20 years ago when now DH and I got together I had a six figure job, my own flat in London and a very nice lifestyle that I worked very hard for. He had gone into higher education late, and had completed his PhD and done a few short term academic jobs and was then just starting out in a new career.

I have always been very attracted to his intellect, we shared values and had such great fun together I just thought fuck it and I paid for our holidays because I wanted them and I wanted him to share them with me. It never felt one-way and that was reassuring - he always brought something to the table - his time, his effort, his care, his consideration, and whatever he could afford in those early days.

I think we laid some solid foundations for our future in those times, and our financial fortunes shifted over the last 2 decades including multiple promotions for him. He took a career hit for a few years when the kids were little and went to 3 days/week and took charge of all domestic and childcare responsibilities whilst I went through a challenging time in my career. We always had joint finances and there was a great year when we both worked 4 days each. Then I burnt out from work and ended up taking 5 years off and he completely financially supported us all during that time.

Sorry, I waffled …. My point is that not bringing comparable money to the table at a single point in time is not a dealbreaker as long as other contributions are made. If you have that, and you have love, well, you’ve got it made

I understand your dilemma, but it's worth remembering that so often in life, we can't have everything we want. I'd hang in there and see how it goes.

I understand, OP. It's entirely understandable to want what you see other couples enjoying.

Like some have said, it's worth seeing how this tracks over the colder months when his business should be in a better position. It takes time for the limerance to fade, so you can make an honest assessment, and 4 months in, you're in the throes of excitement and lust etc.

Plus, there's a difference between not having disposable cash (which it sounds like your bloke is experiencing) and someone being tight/irresponsible/guarded with whatever money they do have. Where it creeps into being mean, that's a red flag. Where it's someone being responsible but unable to meet you at your level, that could indicate a clash of lifestyles. But you can't spend what you don't have, and if everything else about the relationship is wonderful, then this may be the compromise you strike.

Equally, if you decide that it's important to share these slightly expensive things with a partner, you're within your rights to call time and find someone who better suits your lifestyle.

I’ve been in your shoes.

It ruined the relationship. because I, like you, was at a stage in life where I didn’t need to feel harnessed by a lack of funds.

In the end it all got really boring not only having to pay for him if I really really wanted to do an activity but I could envisage a future where I constantly facilitated things he couldn’t otherwise afford.

I eased myself out of the relationship by doing the more expensive activities alone. I stopped “feeding” it on the back of my finances.

He should get a fulltime proper job though.

The lack of trips and holidays is a red herring imo. The problem is his poor self management job wise which would be a bit of turn off for me.

Suggest he gets a full time job at the local leasure centre/gym then do personal training as extras think that's what most do. More of a reliable income.

You say that you expect that and manage that, like he hadn’t. But you also said he always gets a second job but this year it hasn’t worked - so he did try to anticipate it. Sometimes life happens OP, you need to be in for the good times and the bad if you stick at it.

Personally I would keep it going while you see how things are longer term.

But... do you want more children? Does he? That might be an issue.

I think what’s most important is feeling happy and feeling loved and he seems to be doing that. I wouldn’t compare your relationship to any else’s as there’s no point, people only share and shout about the good stuff, rarely the bad!

I also wouldn’t hide things you want to do from him, if you wanted to do something for your birthday then tell him in advance, give him a chance to either save for it or go do it with someone else and see him after.

I have been your dp in my relationship in the early days. It was hard and I felt I was letting my dh down but he paid for the one off things, the things he really wanted to do and he wanted me to be a part of. Years down the line I’m in a better place financially and feel like I can now treat him to things that I wasn’t able to do before.
As you say, he’s in a different stage in his life just now but it’s not a permanent stage. Things will change so don’t miss out on love with someone for the sake of money.

Maybe he plays Santa

Just such a weird set up that his seasonal work is Christmas and New Year. Obviously if hospitality it'd be an all year thing, selling Christmas trees maybe? But that would rule New Year out 🤔

Whatever it is no one has a seasonal business just for Christmas so even if he gets a job in the summer he really needs to rethink and look at getting a fulltime permanent job.

It's a snap shot of his common sense and trouble shooting skills isn't it. He doesn't sound the brightest so on that basis I'd be out.

Boyfriend, bummed, love language, bestie, fallen hard

You sound like a romanticist OP

Real world financial problems and concerns might not be for you - as you say, you don’t like discussing them. He’s got two lots of child maintenance to pay when he’s not even working presumably.

I don’t see this working out in the long term despite the sexual chemistry.

You are jealous of your bestie’s trips with her new boyfriend and want this for yourself. Nothing wrong with that - but doesn’t sound like this guy can provide that.

So this year is different for him? The job market is certainly tough at the moment.

What if this tough job market had hit a year down the line instead? Would you be considering ditching him the moment times got financially tough and he couldn't afford the holidays you expect? What if your fortunes changed? Would you expect the same treatment from him? Money can come and go! It's a bit of a flimsy basis for a relationship.

It seems you're more interested in keeping up with your friends. Madly is love st 4 months? Give over.

I'd rather have a decent, loyal man than a loaded one, but that's just me. I also think it's VERY early days and wonder if you're just trying to compete with your friend in the 'who has the best boyfriend' stakes.

As a PP said, buy him National Trust membership for Christmas, go away with friends instead of him (there's nothing stopping you have 'mucky weekends' at home, less money and less stress) and let your relationship broaden and deepen before you start throwing money at long haul holidays. Enjoy what you have, rather than what you think you should have.

Incidentally, why did his relationship with the mother of his children end? Not over money, I hope...

Exactly what I was going to say.

Do you have other people you can do some of those things with, take the pressure off your relationship to fulfil all your goals?