Page 4 | Do I Need To End This?

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 2025-08-16T08:04:08+00:00

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it. I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do. WWYD?

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 12:19

verycloakanddaggers · 16/08/2025 12:09

You have to work out your priorities.

If you value money more than love, or love more than money, is something only you can work out.

Your loved ones are expressing that they value money more than love. But you are you, what do you value most?

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I dont think thats true. They are saying I can find love with someone who can do the same things I want to do. I mean I wouldn't want to go to all these things with someone I didnt love. Its not about the holidays or the trips or the lunches on their own is it? its about doing those things WITH someone I love. The love bit needs to be there, otherwise those things aren't fun.

Ive had boyfriends who have had the same or more money than me whisking me away and taking me exciting places. I didn't love them, hence why we broke up. I think my family just think I can find it all. But they don't know what a cesspool it is out there for the over 50s.

OP posts:

Summerhillsquare · 16/08/2025 12:17

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 09:19

Yeah its not about money per se - its about what I want to do at this stage in my life. I want to be going on weekends away, and holidays - or at least planning them. I don't want to be baulking at the entrance fee to a castle or the price of a lunch out yanno? I feel too old for that shit. But im finding myself doing that now. I mean I could fund everything of course, but I feel that would kill it for me.

You still can, with friends or by yourself, which is what you'll be doing if you dump him!

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 12:13

Mulledjuice · 16/08/2025 12:06

Do you not expect to at least go halves on stuff like this? Or take it in turns?

Weird to pretend you didnt want to do anything on your birthday - he could have shown you how considerate and inventive he can be on a budget - a lovely homemade picnic or similar.

Absolutely see how it goes but if your expectation is for meals out and weekends away through the year paid for by your boyfriend, and if that's more important to you than all the good points you mentioned, then you should set him free.

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No you've misunderstood. We went out on my birthday somewhere I really wanted to go. We got to the gates and the price to get in was a lot. I know hes struggling, so I pretended I wasn't bothered about going in, and we went elsewhere, which was free. I could see from his face he was worried.

And no I do NOT expect him to pay. I expect 50/50 but I do want to do those things. So to be clear, in an ideal world I would want us to go for a meal once a week, an outing once a week, maybe a take away once a week too. And every couple of months or so a weekend away. And an overseas holiday once a year, maybe twice. That would be my ideal. I dont think thats much. We both work, so I couldn't be swanning off overseas every month.

OP posts:

verycloakanddaggers · 16/08/2025 12:09

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 09:21

This is what I wanted to do, and wait til xmas to see if that was the case. I think Id feel better if we were planning and saving for holidays/weekend away. But my loved ones were like, 'oh you will be in so deep by then you won't be able to walk away, you need someone who is comfortable like you to be able to do these things'. They have a point I think. Im not sure I could walk away now tbh. I am very very deeply in love with him.

Show quote history

You have to work out your priorities.

If you value money more than love, or love more than money, is something only you can work out.

Your loved ones are expressing that they value money more than love. But you are you, what do you value most?

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 12:08

LittleMonks11 · 16/08/2025 11:53

Well good for you giving it a go and ignoring your loved ones! Are these friends or family loved ones? Sounds like he needs some fresh business ideas. Be nice to support that.

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Yeah I have been actually. I suggested kids clubs, and also sessions for people with autism - children and adults. Hes been looking into it. Hes extremely good with people so he gets lots of repeat business. Also getting trained up to be a NHS referred personal trainer. Theres some hoops he has to jump for that but might be worth it.
I live somewhere quite posh with huge houses, and they often have their own gyms (how the other half live hey) and also advised him to do some leaflets about one on one PT and Ill drop them round on my walks. So I am helping. Any other ideas people might have please say.

Oh and it was family who said these things. They have seen me completely broken by ex DH so very protective. I actually am regretting sharing with them now, and I feel very disloyal. They kept asking why we weren't going away.

OP posts:

Mulledjuice · 16/08/2025 12:06

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 09:19

Yeah its not about money per se - its about what I want to do at this stage in my life. I want to be going on weekends away, and holidays - or at least planning them. I don't want to be baulking at the entrance fee to a castle or the price of a lunch out yanno? I feel too old for that shit. But im finding myself doing that now. I mean I could fund everything of course, but I feel that would kill it for me.

Do you not expect to at least go halves on stuff like this? Or take it in turns?

Weird to pretend you didnt want to do anything on your birthday - he could have shown you how considerate and inventive he can be on a budget - a lovely homemade picnic or similar.

Absolutely see how it goes but if your expectation is for meals out and weekends away through the year paid for by your boyfriend, and if that's more important to you than all the good points you mentioned, then you should set him free.

Catpiece · 16/08/2025 12:04

Decent blokes are like gold dust in your 50s. You’re clearly unsettled that he doesn’t have the funds. I don’t think you’ll get past that

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 12:01

Catpiece · 16/08/2025 11:49

Yeh end it for his sake. You’ll probably meet a millionaire

Hang on...Where did I say I wanted to meet a millionaire? Im on a social workers salary, and I can afford a meal out once or twice a week, weekend getaways a few times a year, and an overseas holiday. I dont think that is excessive, its just normal. Thats all im after.

OP posts:

workshy46 · 16/08/2025 11:57

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 09:19

Yeah its not about money per se - its about what I want to do at this stage in my life. I want to be going on weekends away, and holidays - or at least planning them. I don't want to be baulking at the entrance fee to a castle or the price of a lunch out yanno? I feel too old for that shit. But im finding myself doing that now. I mean I could fund everything of course, but I feel that would kill it for me.

Does he have no money or are you just guessing. I’d be v slow to get into a relationship with someone who can’t even afford a lunch out at 50🥴 Problem is if he is actually broke the only way you are going to be able to do anything is if you pay and I wouldn’t want a relationship on that basis .. where I effectively have to pay for it

LittleMonks11 · 16/08/2025 11:53

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 11:14

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

Edenmum2 I am, believe me I am. Hes amazing and I love him. I only had these doubts about ending it, as that what my loved ones advised I should do and I wanted to get opinions on here as to what people thought. I know I couldn't do it even if everyone agreed anyway, but I wanted to see other peoples reactions. Tbh I am thrilled with the responses, because I dont want to give up what we have.

I think I just need to book us up a weekend away on me, and accept that may be the go for a while. He brings so so much to the table who cares about the rest of it.

Well good for you giving it a go and ignoring your loved ones! Are these friends or family loved ones? Sounds like he needs some fresh business ideas. Be nice to support that.

Catpiece · 16/08/2025 11:49

Yeh end it for his sake. You’ll probably meet a millionaire

Katflapkit · 16/08/2025 11:49

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 10:34

He has a personal training business. So its steady all year - massive boom pre and post xmas as youd expect, and low in summer hols as everyone is on holidays.

He could do a few kids fitness/training sessions during summer

Shewasafaireh · 16/08/2025 11:44

I don’t see how you can make a decision without talking to him and knowing what his future prospects/plans are? You don’t know if this is temporary, if it’s a mismanagement thing, if it’s just what it is and always has been.

I’m (somewhat) in a similar situation but hoping it gets resolved in a couple years. It is very frustrating to feel like you’re just “waiting” to be able to do nice things, so I definitely see your concerns too.

Lobelia123 · 16/08/2025 11:30

PS Having said that, not all relationships are meant to be forever afters. Some are lovely placeholders in your life that have their own built in expiry dates - but that doesnt mean they are any less lovely and memorable. And lets face it there are no guarantees in life .... you could date Richard Branson and he could be bankrupt in 6 months. Of course if your partner ever taps you for cash, thats a different story and that would be an immediate no - at least from me! But theres no suggestion of that at all. Dont worry about what people might say about the relationship - we're all too old and wise to give a shit about that kind of nonsense. If youre happy, thats all that counts.

Lobelia123 · 16/08/2025 11:23

One thing thats jumped out at me on the thread is the mentions of your friends....first of all, that some are advising one thing, others advising you to end it. and then the mention that you feel just a little bit envious that your best friend is going away with her partner. Your friends seem to have a lot of sway in your life, are you sure that perhaps the fear that they may think hes on the make or that youre being used, is having rather too much influence / sway? Of course they care for you, but at the end of the day its you and him in the relationship. It seems a bit unfair to be discussing this big thing - his financial situation and its effect on your relationship - with them and not with him. Stop comparing what you have in your life with what others are doing. Trust your gut and let your own feelings and maturity guide you. If it helps, lay out a spreadsheet with pros and cons so you can see it all logically laid out, and stop laying so much emphasis on what is justone aspect of the relationship. Give it some time. perhaps it will become a dealbreaker, but give it all time to develop and try to enjoy what sounds like a lovely feller and a lovely relationship. If it ends, then at least it will be untainted by the suspicion that you torpedoed it yourself, and youll know you gave something lovely a fair shot.

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 11:21

gloriia it is contradictory, you are right

OP posts:

Gloriia · 16/08/2025 11:18

Edenmum2 · 16/08/2025 11:05

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

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Yes it's all a bit contradictory isn't it

Fine love someone for following their dream, that is great but then it is odd to be disappointed that dream low paid unreliable job is low paid.

He could do a happy medium? Forget depressing finance jobs and just get a job at a gym that provides consistent pay and have personal assistant stuff as a bonus.

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 11:14

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

Edenmum2 I am, believe me I am. Hes amazing and I love him. I only had these doubts about ending it, as that what my loved ones advised I should do and I wanted to get opinions on here as to what people thought. I know I couldn't do it even if everyone agreed anyway, but I wanted to see other peoples reactions. Tbh I am thrilled with the responses, because I dont want to give up what we have.

I think I just need to book us up a weekend away on me, and accept that may be the go for a while. He brings so so much to the table who cares about the rest of it.

OP posts:

Edenmum2 · 16/08/2025 11:05

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 11:02

I admire what he has done tbh with his career. He was in a miserable finance job that he was so depressed about. He had a mental health crisis, got therapy, and changed his life. I love that. He felt working out really benefitted him mentally, so he started his own business three years ago in that, with an emphasis on the mental health benefits, and he is incredibly happy. I have a rule when I date that I only want to be with someone who loves what they do - I dont care what it is - but it is important to me that they are passionate about their work. I have been with people who hate their job and do nothing to change that, and thats not for me. I like to be around people who are happy and they exude that happiness then. So what he does is a massive box tick for me.

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

Karmatime · 16/08/2025 11:04

I’m in the same situation but 10 years down the line with someone I met at 50. I still have way more disposable income. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t get to me sometimes. We either do things jointly on a budget or I pay for us both. It’s more the doing things on a budget that I find a bit depressing sometimes rather than me paying for things. However it’s not because he’s mean, he’s just had a lifetime of living frugally in low paid work that he loves and is not at all materialistic.
But I love the bones of him, he is emotionally supportive and fantastic company, we have a lot of fun and all that makes up for his lack of money.

Edenmum2 · 16/08/2025 11:03

Also I think you’re way too worried about what your friends think. It’s your life not theirs. But I agree with PP - if you are considering ending it because of this then there’s no way you’re deeply in love with him.

SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 16/08/2025 11:02

Love isn't always enough OP, especially once the novelty wears off. He's not compatible with your lifestyle and in the long run you will resent him for holding you back.

LittleMonks11 · 16/08/2025 11:02

I think if you can rope in your money worries and enjoy getting to know him more then that’s the way to go. Save the expensive stuff for friends meantime. Nothing wrong with treating you both to a nice weekend away either - I’m sure you’d let him if it was the other way around.

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 11:02

I admire what he has done tbh with his career. He was in a miserable finance job that he was so depressed about. He had a mental health crisis, got therapy, and changed his life. I love that. He felt working out really benefitted him mentally, so he started his own business three years ago in that, with an emphasis on the mental health benefits, and he is incredibly happy. I have a rule when I date that I only want to be with someone who loves what they do - I dont care what it is - but it is important to me that they are passionate about their work. I have been with people who hate their job and do nothing to change that, and thats not for me. I like to be around people who are happy and they exude that happiness then. So what he does is a massive box tick for me.

OP posts:

Edenmum2 · 16/08/2025 11:00

At the start of my relationship I paid for holidays for me and my partner because I wanted to go and it was the only way. Now he supports me while I raise our child. It ebbs and flows. I didn’t think twice about it at the time. As long as you have no suspicions he's trying to manipulate you in any way then I certainly wouldn’t give up the love of my life because he couldn’t afford his share of a holiday.

What would you regret more?