Page 2 | Do I Need To End This?

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 2025-08-16T08:04:08+00:00

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it. I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do. WWYD?

NamechangeNightNurse · 16/08/2025 18:11

Tofudinosaur · 16/08/2025 17:40

Oh dear just read more of your posts…
I have a friend whose exH is now a PT. He left a computing job and found his mental elf and blew up his marriage too. He also messages multiple women on tinder…
Please be sensible op and listen to your real life F&F
This is not love yet!
This is man who has young children from a failed previous relationship, a dream job which is likely delusional (they are ten a penny PT) and is looking for validation and you are giving him it in bucket loads by sounds of it

Edited

👏

Duckswaddle · 16/08/2025 17:49

I wouldn’t be holding off on what I wanted to do with my life for any man.
I guess it depends if your current mismatched situations are going to continue indefinitely. Because it will wear you down in the end.

Tofudinosaur · 16/08/2025 17:40

Oh dear just read more of your posts…
I have a friend whose exH is now a PT. He left a computing job and found his mental elf and blew up his marriage too. He also messages multiple women on tinder…
Please be sensible op and listen to your real life F&F
This is not love yet!
This is man who has young children from a failed previous relationship, a dream job which is likely delusional (they are ten a penny PT) and is looking for validation and you are giving him it in bucket loads by sounds of it

NamechangeNightNurse · 16/08/2025 17:24

So many red 🚩 4 months in you are already rescuing him and on your birthday too.
Listen to your F&F -you are trying to make him something he's not -"wonderful"yet he can't even sort his own life out to afford entry to an attraction on your birthday.
The issue is he didn't speak up, he just let you get there and then pulled a face and so you rescued him ...
This is 4 months in and yet you are ignoring it.

Realistically there are PT ten-a-penny everywhere.
There is no money in it LT and with the CoL it's only going to get worse.

You will be hooked and feel responsible for him, listen to your F&F

Tofudinosaur · 16/08/2025 17:06

Op gently this is very very early days! You are still in love with someone who no doubt never farts or has a grumpy day with you because they put on weight and their favourite suit doesn’t fit. It’s all sex, best behaviour and daisies.

Do you want a best friend and life partner? If so you have to be able to talk about sex, money, children, ill health etc etc.

Personally for me 50:50 is really important all round. I expect shared life responsibilities and fun.

You need to share your life vision with him. The now and 5 year vision. Not bloody detailed notes but a basic so right now I’d love to be able to do x, y, z. In 5 years I’d want yo be living together or I have this amazing life trip I want to do. Listen to what he says. He might not even want same things!

If he does want same things then discuss how you can afford some of them and compromise.

For me I can’t help but find it deeply hackle raising when a man expects funding through life. I have some high earning female friends with men who started like this - they are still like this. The women moan about them relentlessly which I don’t agree with all round.

If it is a hard line for you to subsidise a man that is ok! It’s not like he’s a stay at home dad or sick or some such. He should get a side gig or better job, that’s life.

But you deffo need to first have some well this is what I want in life type conversations together. If you can’t do this then you are basically just having great sex with a man you fancy the look of and know very little about inside!

Bikergran · 16/08/2025 17:02

What is his business? If it's seasonal, he needs to find a top up for the quiet season.

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 16:59

DirtyBird · 16/08/2025 16:43

I’m mid 50s and have been single most of my life. I’ve only had a connection like you have with your partner once in my life and it was amazing. If I met someone now who I had that connection with I wouldn’t let him go. I would just taper off how many holidays and expensive outings I wanted to do. But I’m one of those who is happy to do “boring” stuff with my partners as I just want to spend time with them. I’m also willing to pay for outings and vacations if I really want to go and want them to go with me. As long as I don’t get a cocklodger in the making feeling from them then I don’t mind paying.

Also I have a friend who has a trainer that does virtual training sessions. Which allowed him to fit them in really early/late based on the client’s needs. He might get a lot of clients in the summer for virtual sessions.

Oh bless you. Yeah I know that what I have is very very special. But I do need to be very careful don't I. This is why I didn't want to date him - different life stages. I just knew the young kid thing would be an issue. And obviously if hes swanning off with me, thats coming out of time and money his kids should be having.

OP posts:

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 16:57

He is a really popular PT - he has really great people skills so Im not surprised. Get lots of repeat custom and really good testimonials. He REALLY wants to get the online side happening but has had zero takers. He thinks its cos he isnt 25 and ripped. He seems to get those who are anxious about going to the gym - women and older clients - those who have some kind of mental health issue and who are very overweight and are worried about being judged. Hes 44 so he isn't your usual type of PT but then his clients aren't the typical client either.

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DirtyBird · 16/08/2025 16:43

I’m mid 50s and have been single most of my life. I’ve only had a connection like you have with your partner once in my life and it was amazing. If I met someone now who I had that connection with I wouldn’t let him go. I would just taper off how many holidays and expensive outings I wanted to do. But I’m one of those who is happy to do “boring” stuff with my partners as I just want to spend time with them. I’m also willing to pay for outings and vacations if I really want to go and want them to go with me. As long as I don’t get a cocklodger in the making feeling from them then I don’t mind paying.

Also I have a friend who has a trainer that does virtual training sessions. Which allowed him to fit them in really early/late based on the client’s needs. He might get a lot of clients in the summer for virtual sessions.

ChristmasFluff · 16/08/2025 16:41

I'd date someone like this and love it - and I'd fund the dates/breaks away too, if he couldn't afford to do some of the things I love to do.

But I would not cohabit or get financially entangled with him.

pikkumyy77 · 16/08/2025 16:39

KarmenPQZ · 16/08/2025 09:16

When is his good season? Can you wait to see how he is then. Both from a money but also giving you time aspect it might be telling.

but if your birthday is in the ‘wrong’ season for his work it might be worth talking about your expectations for next year in his good season to try to mitigate a repeat

I agree with this—a seasonal business is fine if he can make it pay for the off season. If he can’t its just not a good business. Or he needs to have two jobs:one off season and one on.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2025 16:34

Don’t ever marry him tho

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 16:33

How many men do you think you'll find with this guy at your age? Sorry to be harsh, but a connection like that is 1 in a million for a 50 year old (and I speak as a non-spring chicken myself!)

You are so so so right. I should know. 8 years of dating with men I wouldn't want to spend an hour with.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2025 16:32

I had one of these men, it was excusable in my eyes as it was the pandemic and his sector was badly hit… he is so irresponsible and left me just before out baby was born and I pay all the nursery fees myself with pittance maintenance from him. He also got a new gf just as he got a new job. He doesn’t thank me for all the holidays I took him and the free housing I provided with him before baby arrived. Be very careful. At 50 there isn’t much excuse not to be financially stable unless you’ve made some bad decisions or not worked smart or hard.

Dozer · 16/08/2025 16:28

He could well have been working hard at his wannabe business throughout: he’s still probably a deadbeat dad and pursuing a business that’s viable for few. Making dating him unwise.

Plenty of people - potential friends or lovers - enjoy history and sex!

Slightyamusedandsilly · 16/08/2025 16:28

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 09:19

Yeah its not about money per se - its about what I want to do at this stage in my life. I want to be going on weekends away, and holidays - or at least planning them. I don't want to be baulking at the entrance fee to a castle or the price of a lunch out yanno? I feel too old for that shit. But im finding myself doing that now. I mean I could fund everything of course, but I feel that would kill it for me.

But there is a difference between him being happy to do free or cheap things and him wanting you to pay for him. Being expected to pay would be a relationship killer. But him just being broke, but being thoughtful in non-financial ways is totally different.

If he was using you financially, I'd jump to LTB. But if not, you just need to decide what is more important. Having the money (but no one to do things with) or being with someone you love and having to adjust your expectations. You can always do the pricey things with friends or alone.

How many men do you think you'll find with this guy at your age? Sorry to be harsh, but a connection like that is 1 in a million for a 50 year old (and I speak as a non-spring chicken myself!)

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 16:26

LittlleMy · 16/08/2025 15:59

@didwejustbecomebestfriends i think if you are going to continue with him you just have to fully embrace and commit. But just be aware that assuming you guys stay together for the long term that likely will include potentially sharing your pension with him.

Eg I had an ex who was decently paid and we always did a 50/50 split but his employment history was such that he had jumped from one manual job to another and not really prioritised his pension at all. He told me he’d be pretty much reliant on a full state pension and even that he wouldn’t get until his late 60s whereas I’ve worked FT (no kids) in corporate and am fortunate enough to have a comfortable retirement just from my work at 62. So I had to consider if I was happy to do that. No brainer for me I was. In fact I wouldn’t even have spoken to family or friends about it as I took him for what he is. I was actually prepared to pay more also once he went PT in his late 50s. In the end we split up but just wanted to say I’ve been there in your shoes and I wouldn’t have given up on my DP because of the money issues you described. It’s def worth taking a risk on a relationship you both value especially post 50.

Edited

Aww you sound lovely. Sorry it didn't work out. What a shame. Sounds like you get it though. At our age, when you know you know right. Im far from perfect. Im finally stable but its taken some time, and I will have a shit pension too.

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MounjaroMounjaro · 16/08/2025 16:24

Could he do something like boot camps for school children? My children would have loved something like that, someone who would help them get fit over the school holidays.

Lmnop22 · 16/08/2025 16:23

I had a relationship like this but it was more irresponsibility with money than total lack of it which I found so frustrating.

He would be skint because he gave his sister rent money or because he bought a new car, didn’t like it so sold it back at a loss or bought £2k of new hobby material for a hobby he liked for 2 days.

It was exhausting.

Original poster

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 16:20

Also I think about how I would ever find such a gem again. Im a super nerd about history - I talk about it non-stop and drag him to historic sites. He likes history but not as much as me. I never gonna find someone to geek out with like this, who I also want to shag all the time am I? My friends said I was banging on about some shite about medieval life, and he was all misty eyed and said he loved how much I lit up when I was talkign about what I loved. They thought it was cute and funny cos Im normally being told to shut up! 😆

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Gloriia · 16/08/2025 16:14

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 15:34

Thanks but thats not accurate. I did say he had a website straight away before he even started, and he does grind with it. He is constantly doing social media promotion. He does promotion for 6-8 hours a week! Hes constantly on it. He just got a partnership with a gym gear company which is pretty cool. I dont have any concerns about his work ethic or lack of business acumen. He is really trying and doing the hard slog.

Op, after 3 years it is not viable is it? He needs a summer job to compensate which he hasn't even managed to get this year.

He needs to be realistic and join a fitness club as an instructor whilst persisting with one to one stuff in his spare time.

The personal trainers I know do it as a sideline not a main income. I'm not surprised he can't stretch to trips after his child maintenance and living costs are taken into account. Has he suggested moving in with you yet? If not I'd guess it's coming..

LittlleMy · 16/08/2025 15:59

@didwejustbecomebestfriends i think if you are going to continue with him you just have to fully embrace and commit. But just be aware that assuming you guys stay together for the long term that likely will include potentially sharing your pension with him.

Eg I had an ex who was decently paid and we always did a 50/50 split but his employment history was such that he had jumped from one manual job to another and not really prioritised his pension at all. He told me he’d be pretty much reliant on a full state pension and even that he wouldn’t get until his late 60s whereas I’ve worked FT (no kids) in corporate and am fortunate enough to have a comfortable retirement just from my work at 62. So I had to consider if I was happy to do that. No brainer for me I was. In fact I wouldn’t even have spoken to family or friends about it as I took him for what he is. I was actually prepared to pay more also once he went PT in his late 50s. In the end we split up but just wanted to say I’ve been there in your shoes and I wouldn’t have given up on my DP because of the money issues you described. It’s def worth taking a risk on a relationship you both value especially post 50.

Lizzbear · 16/08/2025 15:52

BunniB · 16/08/2025 09:29

Four months is likely limerance. Give it another 12 months you’ll know if it’s love and if his lacks of means is starting to irritate you beyond belief or if you’ve found ways to adjust your expectations and do the expensive things with friends instead.

Life involves some risk, doesn’t it? I cannot personally imagine passing up the chance of real love and companionship at a stage of my life when that is pretty rare to find, for the price of a lunch and a historical house entrance fee, or missed opportunity to go on a luxury holiday. You could have real happiness for the rest of your life - the times when you need help and support, the times when you unwell, or when you’re old and just want to do a crossword and watch TV. You could have all that, and you could provide that to a man you love. What a gift OP!

People pay for expensive experiences to fill in the gaps in their lives. You can still do those things alone or with friends. You don’t have to marry or move in with this man, to share finances.

Just enjoy each other and see where it goes.

Love this reply.

WestwardHo1 · 16/08/2025 15:48

didwejustbecomebestfriends · 16/08/2025 10:17

Well I do things like that with friends. Walks, coffees, lunches, and I go on holiday with them. But I really do want a partner to go on mucky weekends away with. And sun holidays. And road trips. Its different with a boyfriend isnt it? I cant deny that I want that.

I hear you OP

pinotnow · 16/08/2025 15:44

So he never has his kids overnight? I earn a decent salary and I would not consider eating out once a week, takeaway once a week, mini-breaks every couple of months and one or two holidays per year, all without my dc, as this would massively eat into the money I have to support them and save for university. It sounds like he doesn't earn a decent salary so do you honestly think it would be right for him to spend like this in ways that don't benefit his dc? And if he only sees them on a Sunday surely he can never go on weekends away? I would find it a massive turn-off if he even considered it. Parents don't need to be martyrs but he is definitely in the deadbeat dad zone only seeing them once a week and he should be doing everything he can to support them more. I would love to know how much maintenance he pays.

If a man had kids the way I felt about him would be determined by his treatment of them and this man's financial irresponsibility would be a massive turn-off. In your shoes I would end it as you are at completely different life stages.