Do I Need To End This?

Was he your personal trainer and that's how you met him?

@didwejustbecomebestfriends whatever you choose to do, don't let him move in
Have all the fun you like but make that your line in the sand .

I think OP is too deep in the sex haze to be thinking rationally. It will catch up with her unfortunately and by then they’ll probably be living together and she’s having to pay for everything whilst he chases his fantasy 🤷‍♀️

but Ive only been on the scene 4 months

Exactly @didwejustbecomebestfriends
You barely know him so how can you possibly love him ?

So he’s basically sacrificed his children’s future and wellbeing and what they need for his happiness? His children will need money for food clothes school clothes university costs etc and instead he’s bumming around being a personal trainer? Why didn’t he go part time in finance or get a different job in the same field and do fitness on the side? He can’t be very good at what he does or where he’s doing it as good fitness instructors have waiting lists all year round and can afford holidays and meals out and doing special things for their girlfriends.

on your birthday even though he couldn’t afford whatever you really want did he make it extra special and put together a lovely picnic and took you to a lovely spot to eat it and drink champagne or something or did he just not make the effort? Because this is what it’s really about isn’t it? If your boyfriend really wanted to he could work to
pay the bills and have the extras his kids and him need AND do fitness instruction on the side to help with his mental health!

if be VERY wary that this man has found someone he enjoys spending time with and she’s also extra attractive as he doesn’t need to make the effort as she can pay not only for her own wants and needs but his too and by extension also his kids as if you’re covering his whatever then you’re paying for his kids stuff

His dating pool might actually be fairly limited. Excluding:

• Women who want DC or more DC (since presumably he doesn’t).
• Women who don’t want to date a man with DC.
• Women who don’t want to date him in particular due to the negative indicators about him as a father and / or his work and financial situation.

Honestly throw this one back OP, he will get snapped up. He's not for you and that's okay. Totally different stages of life. He's not going to be jetting off with you when hes got 2 kids to provide for. Financial side of things is important to you so make that a priority when you are looking for someone new.

'" you think she is being played like a fiddle" I don't think she is because she's here posting about whether she should end the relationship 4 months in'

Yes but only because of the disparity in available funds not the reasons why and if she should settle for parks and walks as opposed to trips that need some spends because of being deeply in love after 4 months.

The op doesn't appear to be wondering why he has a barely viable business after 3 years or questioning why he may be so enthralled in a discussion about medieval history when he knows it's one of her favourite subjects.

She just need to have her eyes wide open and look deeper than if they can afford a park versus a castle.

But why would you date a man with DC of those ages who parents his DC so little and prioritises his personal, unrealistic work goals over providing for them?

Preferring people who are ‘passionate about what they do’, him being good company and nice to you and the paucity of good alternative dating options don’t seem sufficient reasons to ignore that he’s a deadbeat dad.

This is school holiday time and he's got very little work on, yet he's only having his children once a week? Have a think about that, OP.

Also did becoming self employed coincide with child maintenance payments? As in he prob only has to pay £5 a week or something ridiculous and to only have his kids one day a week….
luckily you won’t be having kids with him but I’d be suspicious of a man who doesn’t have more contact than one day a week …

OP, money aside, my biggest concern would be why he only sees his 2 young children 1 day a week.

It sounds like he has a lot if free time at the moment, and it's the summer holidays. Why isn't he bending over backwards to spend as much time as possible with his DC's while he can?

If all his spare money and time was going on them, I might be a bit more understanding.

Sometimes one person earns more than the other. It’s just the way life goes.

As long as I knew he was working hard and wasn’t in this financial situation because of laziness or being bad with money (gambling etc) I would work it out.

" you think she is being played like a fiddle"

I don't think she is because she's here posting about whether she should end the relationship 4 months in.
Not being on the same page financially is one of the major relationship issues and Op has already picked that up.
She already had doubts that they were not at the same life stage but decided to give it a go.

She's picking up the signals that all is not well, red flags, but is being persuaded to ignore them by well meaning posters -a good man , hang on to him etc

Saying someone is a good man doesn't make him one sadly and men are often elevated as heroes for picking up their own socks.
He can't even hold an honest conversation about affording a day out...

The PT age 44 is a major worry
A few are successful, very few, usually young, influencer types who build up a SM following, launch their own brand/ collabs and the money comes from online classes/ coaching / tiktok CP etc
It's a business full of failure to launch type men, failed at relationships, failed in a normal job, failed financially but completely in denial, living out a fantasy oh wait!

I wonder how his ex w feels shouldering all the responsibility because its his quiet period..

Yes and the op says 'find someone to geek out with like this, who I also want to shag all the time am I? My friends said I was banging on about some shite about medieval life, and he was all misty eyed and said he loved how much I lit up when I was talkign about what I loved. They thought it was cute and funny cos Im normally being told to shut up!'

You just think she's being played like a fiddle.

I hope not op I really do but do please keep asking why a grown man has a barely viable business and not a proper job when he has young kids to support and why after only 4 months you are already thinking about compromising on your holiday and leisure plans. He may be genuine but I think he sounds like he's after your flat, is flakey and a bit thick tbh business wise. Maybe I'm too cynical!

Listen to your family, those who know you. If you are strong amd assertive great, if you are damaged by the previous relationship that nearly broke you then be on the alert.

The issue is once you know how these men operate you can't unsee it.

These PT, short on cash, poor dads are ten a penny( no overnights usually indicates a court order due to DV/ substance abuse or his accommodation is unsuitable for DC )or worst of all he doesn't want to.

Of course Op is the one
She's got money, stability and is willing to believe his nonsense and even better has poor boundaries, doubts her own ( justifiable) feelings, the feelings of her F&F and is already emotionally care taking him ( pretending she didn't want to do the activity on her birthday)

Winner!

It goes like this

His cash flow problem is probably a failing business and he's in serious debt, he can't afford his rent, he begs to move in, only Op can help him, she has doubts but he moves in, he tries but fails to get a job, always the victim
Now she has a fully fledged CL with 2 SC in her flat and the mask will start to slip, he's not quite so wonderful and Op wakes up wondering how the hell it happened.

All the hold onto a good man, he's wonderful crap is rose tinted nonsense-4 months Op has known him!
Men are real human beings with flaws not heroes riding to sweep women off their feet

It's not real

Sorry to be a bit brutal - but this is Aibu - You sound quite materialistic and a bit tight.
If doing expensive things is really important to you then I think you should offer to pay for them.

I agree completely here ..
There are only a few good men ..
I’m 49 & single , so so hard to find that special someone ..
At this age all the good ones are taken I’m afraid..
Someone that you click with that is geuine & you find attractive , is like trying to find a needle in a haystack..

'As long as I don’t get a cocklodger in the making feeling from them then I don’t mind paying.'

Thing is they don't come along with a sign saying cocklodger. These men <not saying definitely in the op's case but worth considering> groom their vulnerable targets with tales of woe, tales of working so hard yet nothing to show for it, their faces light up when these women mention abstract interests thus reinforcing this 'special connection' allusion.

Once they are under the skin (and 4 months is good going here), then their dp starts altering their goal posts deciding holidays and financial equality aren't important as long as the connection is there.

A man who cannot differentiate between a poorly performing business and a thriving one will be inadequate in many other, as yet unknown, areas.

Relationships usually need some compromise, I don't believe there is a perfect person out there. It seems that he ticks every box for you other than him not having as much money as you. I wouldn't end it, I'd just adjust to doing cheaper things and do the more expensive things with friends or pay for him. What's the alternative? Be single and have no partner to do anything at all with? As you have said yourself connections like the one you have don't come around often. It may never come again. If you end things I think there's a good chance you will regret it if you get towards end of life having never found another connection.

OP, have read all your comments though haven’t RTFT. I completely get where you’re coming from. Having gone through a stage in life where I REALLY struggled financially (couldn’t afford to eat at the end of the month), I finally got to a point where I had enough money that I could DO nice things like eating out or going away for a weekend — and I wanted to be with someone who could do the same. (Equally, I didn’t want to be with someone who was much better off than me, so I was struggling to keep up!) But it sounds as though you’ve come to the decision that it’s worth persevering, which I think sounds good. I really hope it works out for you both. X

Are you sure he's broke, or could he just be mean? Could his making faces at the attraction on your birthday have been hints that he wanted you to pay? It sounds like a miserable way to live, knowing he can't (or won't) spend money on anything. Perhaps he expects you to fund him?

He doesn't sound like a stellar father if he only sees his children once a week.

I'd be a bit concerned as to why he only sees his kids concerned a week? No overnights or mid week visits?