Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

Would you say that to a male who is spending 4 days a week with his female friend? OP needs to grow up. She blew up her marriage for a deadbeat sidepiece that doesn't even work himself.

10 hours a week is way too much. Especially when she won't spend any time with her family.

If this was a male spending time with a female friend no one would let him off the hook. This OP is deeply and utterly obsessed with a man outside of her marriage and chose to blow her entire marriage up and her children's security for him. And the deadbeat friend doesn't work either.

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up. I have male friends. If I wanted to bang them, I would have done years ago.

I've read them and I don't think the time she spent with friends is unreasonable given she is working part time and clearly responsible for he children at all other times.

I think this is being missed. If she's fully responsible for the childcare and works part time, I don't think meeting up with friends, even if it's the same friend, four times a week is unreasonable. One of those times is during the day when presumably the husband is at work then so effectively two evenings a week and a few hours on one weekend day for some of the year. That could potentially add to to no more than 10 hours in total over the course of a week, with ALL the other hours taken up with work and caring for 3 children and running the house.

Read the OP's posts @usedtobeaylis . He didn't try to 'control' anything. He said he was uncomfortable with the amount of time she was spending with him. She refused to change. Couldn't, because she is obsessed with this sidepiece man. Leaving her husband no option but to leave. She chose her sidepiece over her husband and her family. Her husband is such a good man that he is paying for her child, that isn't even his, school fees while OP until now has refused to get a job to pay for her own children. She has used and taken advantage of her husband and blown her marriage up. Her husband deserves better.

Apart from you thinking that your exH should take care of a child that isn't his, I was kind of verging on your side, having had an ex who had massive issues with me having anything to do with the male friends I'd had long before I met him. But then I read all your comments. You saw him three times a week for most of the year? I'm on team husband. You messed up.

No you shouldn't have acquiesced. When your partner starts trying to control who you're friends with or how often you see them, no. I have been there and ended up losing touch with two very, very good male friends and I should never have allowed that.

It will be difficult trying to juggle everything in ways you're not used to but you will get through it and in the end won't have anyone telling you how to conduct your friendships. The fact that he has been non-commital about childcare makes me wonder if he was also objecting to looking after the children while you were out with friends. He will have to contribute financially to whatever childcare is in place for them (not necessarily for his step child but for his biological children).

Sounds too much. Either way you made your choice.

On top of the meet-ups, his often do you phone and text?

We see posts on here time after time about men and their female friendships, and how it’s not appropriate and how the man should put his wife feelings first and if he doesn’t, the wife should LTB.

Well, your case is no different. You had a good man supporting a good lifestyle for you and your kids and you put your mate first. Silly.

It hasn't been stated whether or not this male friend has a partner, wife or children. It doesn't sound like it.

The question is if he meet someone he truly wants to be with.
Or if his partner asked him to stop seeing her would he do it

I'd wager he wouldn't blow up his relationship for her and if he isn't with somebody and meet somebody, he likes she won't see him for dust.

You should never, ever make enormous life decisions for somebody who wouldn't do the same for you. He isn't going to step in and pick up the school fees, and the childcare is he? So what was it for.

Maybe it's just the way you've written your post, but there's no indication you were upset about your DH leaving or actively tried to save your marriage until your DH threatened to remove financial and practical support. You seem to be ignoring that the issue, presumably, wasn't just the friendship but that you were leaving your DH looking after his children and yours every Saturday and 2 or 3 evenings a week when he worked FT & you already had plenty of free time.

Before you subject your DCs to another relationship, I'd have a serious talk with yourself about whether you really want a partner, and what it takes to maintain a relationship.

Lunch and dinner every week. Did you go on similar frequent dates with your ex?

Maybe this platonic friend can help you out with childcare for your stepchild? Seeing as he's such a good friend that you chose him over your marriage.

He doesn’t need to look after his step child though. You’ll need to arrange other childcare and that’s on you to sort and pay for since the father isn’t close by.
This is not your husbands fault.

You've chosen your friend over your husband which is your prerogative but choices have consequences.

You can't rely on him for support, financial or otherwise, for a child who isn't his. Even if he says it now, he's under no obligation to provide for your child so you need to take that into account and figure something out.

Personally, if my DH was upset about something and wasn't being controlling or too unreasonable, and he was bankrolling my lifestyle and that of my child, I wouldn't mind cutting down on lunches and meet-ups. But we're all different.

I know if I felt uncomfortable with my husband spending too much time with another woman and he refused to stop, I'd also be out the door, so...

In my opinion, you've been breath-takingly audacious and entitled. But you need to sort yourself out sooner rather than later. And that means being financially independent. And solely responsible for your child since their other actual parent pissed off to another country and left you and their stepfather to raise them.

Not much to add, is there.
You fucked about, you found out. Poor kids.

I too have a best male friend. That's fine. But you seem to have worked under the illusion that as long as you only have sex with one person, it doesn't matter how you divide the rest of your attention, time, care or priorities. Even when your husband indicated he needed more of the latter. That's so insanely dumb and misguided that it's hard to figure out what the hell you were thinking.

I cannot believe you would expect an ex, that you have refused to listen to their concerns about your marriage, to pay school fees and provide care for a child.

You need to get a job, arrange shared parenting with him for your joint children. Is he wanting 50:50? As difficult it is you'll need to explain to your older child why things are different for them.

How old are your DC?

You sound very cold and transactional.
I suspect there was a deeper unhappiness for your poor husband, and the request for you to pare back your contact with your friend was just a litmus test.

This

Did you aye.

You chose your friendship over your marriage and ultimately another man over your husband.

No matter how unfounded his fears were you only asked to do counselling after you pushed him away. You didn’t think about his feelings at all.

Unless he’s adopted your child from the previous marriage he has no responsibility whatsoever to provide for them.

You 100% should be looking for a full time job so you can support yourself.

It’s cheeky that you still expect the benefits of marriage and partnership after it’s over. You really have some nerve.

How is your friendship now after it’s destroyed your marriage ?

Why was he contributing to your kids school fees?

Your dh owes your child from previous relationship nothing. He has no obligation to provide to school fees or childcare so for that you need to get over your entitlement and pay for your child.

In respect to the friend...I am torn here. I have a few very close male friends, nothing even close to romantic and far before of a sibling relationship. My dh wouldn't dream of making me choose and knows full well it would not end well for him. So I do understand your refusal to reduce the friendship. And actually I think your dh is being a controlling arsehole if your post about the amount of time you spend together is the truth.

That said there are always 2 sides and I wonder if you are being honest about the real reason for the split. Sounds more like your dh is sick of bank rolling someone else's child.

Put frankly, if you and the child's dad cant afford the private school fees without input from your dh then they shouldn't be going.