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Original poster

Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

232 replies

Lll09 · 16/08/2025 06:41

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 16/08/2025 15:43

So you were spending 1 full day , one evening and one lunch date a week with this person?!! Fuck me that’s a lot , I’m not surprised your DH wasn’t happy . And you stuck to your guns because why? !

NattyBalonz · 16/08/2025 15:29

You choose a friend over your husband ? I think you need to get over it then and go to work full time you made that decision
look if my dp was spending time like that with another women I wouldn’t be happy so I think your now ex dh isn’t in the wrong here

TwistedWonder · 16/08/2025 15:13

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 15:02

Just wait until the friend finds a job. It will all stop and she'll be left, trying to find childcare for her first child and her school fees.

I've said it before, but three times a week is more 1:1 time than some married couples have together once you factor in child care and work responsibilities.

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Absolutely this. She’s spending more 1:1 with this friend than her husband.

Personally I’d say meeting up with anyone 3/4 times a week seems excessive. I wouldn’t expect to see my best friends that often especially when married with 3 kids.

It’s nothing to do with insecurity, it’s the lack of respect for her DH that’s the issue. She’s happy for him to bankroll her lifestyle but doesn’t see him as her priority.

Its the same whatever sexes are involved.

snemrose · 16/08/2025 15:08

How old are your 3 dc and have you not been working up until now?

localnotail · 16/08/2025 15:05

So you fucked up your life, your kids' life, got into situation where you are skint, have to work full time and look after 3 kids alone - all over this friend? Hope he is worth it.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 15:02

Confabulations · 16/08/2025 14:56

Except the terms of the long standing friendship have changed. He is out of work and spending excess amounts of time with her. No one needs a friendship where you are seeing that person multiple times a week, not just in a hobby group, but 1:1, regardless of the sexes of the friends. It is clear the husband has had enough of bank rolling her and looking after the kids, one of whom is not even his, while she goes out with her 'friend' over and over again for months on end.

Show quote history

Just wait until the friend finds a job. It will all stop and she'll be left, trying to find childcare for her first child and her school fees.

I've said it before, but three times a week is more 1:1 time than some married couples have together once you factor in child care and work responsibilities.

SunnyViper · 16/08/2025 14:59

Agree with others that he is well rid of you.

Confabulations · 16/08/2025 14:56

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 14:20

They would if it were a new man in her life, but not for a longstanding friend way predating the marriage they would not.

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Except the terms of the long standing friendship have changed. He is out of work and spending excess amounts of time with her. No one needs a friendship where you are seeing that person multiple times a week, not just in a hobby group, but 1:1, regardless of the sexes of the friends. It is clear the husband has had enough of bank rolling her and looking after the kids, one of whom is not even his, while she goes out with her 'friend' over and over again for months on end.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 14:45

Also, shocked at the blinkered view of reality here. Get an amazing divorce settlement and go and find a wonderful and secure man who's happy to support your friendships.

Yeah, a twice divorced mother of three kids, by two different men, who doesn't work. The wonderful secure men are going to be lining up for her, aren't they.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 16/08/2025 14:45

DabOfPistachio · 16/08/2025 13:49

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm in a similar situation. I have a very good male friend I see often, also through a hobby and also purely platonic, whom I have known for well over a decade.
We have been good friends from before I met my current partner. Fortunately, my partner is fine with me having friends and we are secure in our relationship so it's not an even close to an issue.
But if he ever insisted I reduce or cut contact with an old friend, not because I was having an affair or ever intended to, but simply because he felt insecure and jealous, then frankly I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.
Good friends and community are healthy. Being completely wrapped up in your romantic partner to the point that you're cutting off friends to prevent jealousy is not.
And yes, I do agree that this would be different in the case of an emotional affair or infatuation, but there is absolutely no evidence that this is what is happening here.

But it's OK because OPs second now ex rethought the relationship for her and she can continue to meet up with the friend. Except she needs the ex to provide childcare for her child with her other ex in order to be able to do so. Oooops.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 14:34

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 14:24

What a daft reply.

The cause of the divorce here is an insecure man.

But apparently, lots of women on mumsnet think that once a man is married he gets to tell his wife to cool off her longstanding friendships if they are with a man, especially if he earns money. Because apparently money gives men the right to control over women.. Women's agency can be purchased by men.

Genuinely shocked by the attitudes on this thread.

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I'm genuinely shocked that whenever a woman posts on here that her husband or partner is spending a lot of time with another female in this case 3 times a week.
They're immediately backed up and told it's inappropriate

For a man to do the reverse is insecure.

Why don't all these insecure little womenThen stop worrying about the amount of time their husband is spending with female friends.

KiwiFall · 16/08/2025 14:30

Your husband asked you to stop spending time with someone else and prioritise him and your family. You chose the other man. I can’t blame your husband and there’s plenty of treads on here where the genders were the other way round. He doesn’t need to provide childcare (nor finance) for the stepchild. Sounds like he supported you when married to work part time. Why the hell should he now you have split up. Stop being entitled, you need to get a full time or 2nd job. You created this situation so own up to it now.

rainingsnoring · 16/08/2025 14:26

Well you chose to ignore your DH's feelings and put yourself and your lunches with your friend first. I suspect that this wasn't the only issue in the breakdown of your marriage though if this is a general guide of your behaviour. If he has been fully supporting you and your DC for a whole 6 months after your separation, I'm not surprised that he has now told you to get a full time job. Do you work at all now? Why do you think he is responsible for looking after his step son as well as his own DC? You and the child's father will need to pay for childcare, just as many other people do.

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 14:24

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 14:14

It's her second divorce, and she is the common denominator.

Show quote history

What a daft reply.

The cause of the divorce here is an insecure man.

But apparently, lots of women on mumsnet think that once a man is married he gets to tell his wife to cool off her longstanding friendships if they are with a man, especially if he earns money. Because apparently money gives men the right to control over women.. Women's agency can be purchased by men.

Genuinely shocked by the attitudes on this thread.

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 14:20

Pinkpelicanwinstherace · 16/08/2025 14:13

If a man was doing what you did op
And the wife was on here explaining the situation
Everyone would be saying,it's an emotional affair,and won't be long till they sleep together.
Which is what your DH was thinking I expect

They would if it were a new man in her life, but not for a longstanding friend way predating the marriage they would not.

SpaceRaccoon · 16/08/2025 14:20

You've found out now - good for your husband for holding his boundaries, rather than supporting your lifestyle while you take the piss out of him with another man.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 14:14

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 13:56

I can't believe the responses on this thread. Its like going back to the 18th century in terms of attitudes.

Your husband, instead of managing his insecurity, instead seeks to control who you can be friends with, then punishes you for not submitting with divorce.

And people here honestly think you are the unreasonable one?

Absolutely not. I hope you get a fantastic divorce settlement from him and move on to have a wonderful relationship with a secure man who is glad you have good longstanding friends.

It's her second divorce, and she is the common denominator.

Confabulations · 16/08/2025 14:14

DabOfPistachio · 16/08/2025 13:49

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm in a similar situation. I have a very good male friend I see often, also through a hobby and also purely platonic, whom I have known for well over a decade.
We have been good friends from before I met my current partner. Fortunately, my partner is fine with me having friends and we are secure in our relationship so it's not an even close to an issue.
But if he ever insisted I reduce or cut contact with an old friend, not because I was having an affair or ever intended to, but simply because he felt insecure and jealous, then frankly I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.
Good friends and community are healthy. Being completely wrapped up in your romantic partner to the point that you're cutting off friends to prevent jealousy is not.
And yes, I do agree that this would be different in the case of an emotional affair or infatuation, but there is absolutely no evidence that this is what is happening here.

If any of your friendships move from through a hobby to seeing them multiple times a week 1:1, you should check in with your partner just how comfortable they really are with that kind of closeness.

Pinkpelicanwinstherace · 16/08/2025 14:13

If a man was doing what you did op
And the wife was on here explaining the situation
Everyone would be saying,it's an emotional affair,and won't be long till they sleep together.
Which is what your DH was thinking I expect

Pinkpelicanwinstherace · 16/08/2025 14:11

Wow op
Can you apologise to your husband and stop seeing your man friend
Your eldest child will of been through two broken relationships now ,two family upheavals .
I think you need to try hard to fix your marriage

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 14:00

Macaroni46 · 16/08/2025 13:57

So your DH would be happy for you to swan off to lunch with this male friend, once a week, while he’s at work earning the money to pay for the lunch. And he’s also paying towards the school fees of a child that’s not even his. Really?

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Are you saying because he earns money that means he can buy control over who his wife is friends with?

And what exactly is the distinction between ' swanning' off to lunch and just 'going' to lunch?

Macaroni46 · 16/08/2025 13:57

DabOfPistachio · 16/08/2025 13:49

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm in a similar situation. I have a very good male friend I see often, also through a hobby and also purely platonic, whom I have known for well over a decade.
We have been good friends from before I met my current partner. Fortunately, my partner is fine with me having friends and we are secure in our relationship so it's not an even close to an issue.
But if he ever insisted I reduce or cut contact with an old friend, not because I was having an affair or ever intended to, but simply because he felt insecure and jealous, then frankly I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.
Good friends and community are healthy. Being completely wrapped up in your romantic partner to the point that you're cutting off friends to prevent jealousy is not.
And yes, I do agree that this would be different in the case of an emotional affair or infatuation, but there is absolutely no evidence that this is what is happening here.

So your DH would be happy for you to swan off to lunch with this male friend, once a week, while he’s at work earning the money to pay for the lunch. And he’s also paying towards the school fees of a child that’s not even his. Really?

headoverarse · 16/08/2025 13:56

I can't believe the responses on this thread. Its like going back to the 18th century in terms of attitudes.

Your husband, instead of managing his insecurity, instead seeks to control who you can be friends with, then punishes you for not submitting with divorce.

And people here honestly think you are the unreasonable one?

Absolutely not. I hope you get a fantastic divorce settlement from him and move on to have a wonderful relationship with a secure man who is glad you have good longstanding friends.

Digdongdoo · 16/08/2025 13:54

DabOfPistachio · 16/08/2025 13:49

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm in a similar situation. I have a very good male friend I see often, also through a hobby and also purely platonic, whom I have known for well over a decade.
We have been good friends from before I met my current partner. Fortunately, my partner is fine with me having friends and we are secure in our relationship so it's not an even close to an issue.
But if he ever insisted I reduce or cut contact with an old friend, not because I was having an affair or ever intended to, but simply because he felt insecure and jealous, then frankly I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.
Good friends and community are healthy. Being completely wrapped up in your romantic partner to the point that you're cutting off friends to prevent jealousy is not.
And yes, I do agree that this would be different in the case of an emotional affair or infatuation, but there is absolutely no evidence that this is what is happening here.

3 times a week often?

HerNeighbourTotoro · 16/08/2025 13:54

Lll09 · 16/08/2025 10:55

He only contributes to the fees, the rest are picked up my me and the child's father.

I will struggle if I need to drop the 2 children with him and find someone else to look after my DC. Her father lives in another country for work, and isn't involved aside from paying his child support

Show quote history

Maybe you should have thought of it before you picked a mate over a husband?