Page 6 | Grandson living with me and I'm struggling

AngelicAbout · 2025-08-15T17:43:33+00:00

Posting here for traffic My son briefly dated a woman for a few months and ended up having grandson (16, 17 at the end of the month). His mum was his resident parent until he was about 11, there's a long backstory but she chose a man over him/her other children (son isn't the father of his siblings). He also came out around this time and his mum tried to guilt trip him. My son had full custody of him from then. He hasn't seen his mum in year's but she does send the occasional message although I don't think he replies to her most the time. 2 years ago my son moved grandson up here with him, son is autistic and has mental health issues himself and was quite lonely down in their previous area and was struggling with grandson and his school refusal at his old school anyway. They moved here summer 2023, they were living with myself and my husband and grandson started Y10 at his new school that September. From the off we had issues with him refusing to go, he hated it, had no friends etc and was angry at my son for moving him away from his friends. Son promised he could move back down south for him to start college in their old area (I'm not sure why he said this as I don't think this was the plan! After a few months we had the education welfare team out many times, he was very behind at school and they weren't sure he’d catch up. They figured out he was working at a year 8 level, no sen although I do think he is autistic like my son but he gets defensive and says he isn't. We got him a tutor over zoom and he was still on the school roll. It was 2 hours a day and the plan was to continue with the tutor but slowly work up to him being in full time school. This never happened, he went in for a few hours but he started refusing again and also refused to engage with the tutor. He would lie and say it had been cancelled etc. This year he was due to sit his GCSEs but that didn't happen, he's agreed to go to college and sit them but that doesn't look likely. He's fixated on what my son said 2 years ago about moving back down south (we’re in Manchester) for college. Anyway that's the education aspect. My son ended up moving out and grandson stayed living here. Grandsons behaviour is awful, he barely leaves his room, his sleep schedule is all over the place, he sleeps all day and is awake all night playing games and on discord calls to people in America etc. He self harms and has threatened suicide but I don't know if he's serious or trying to be manipulative, drinks/smokes weed. He likes cooking but doesn't tidy up after himself. He shouts at me for simple things such as putting a t-shirt of his in the dryer, putting his clothes away in his drawer to try and be helpful. Calls me an old bitch and other things. He doesn't eat during the day he cooks at night. Manipulated my son into giving him money for a new PC as he broke his previous one by spilling juice on it. He then got a virus on the new PC within a few days. Last Christmas he lied to my son about me taking his Christmas money My son might be evicted so will more than likely move back in and he's not happy at all, that's when he threatened suicide (again), told me I shouldn't give him money when he asks (it's not up to grandson though!), said his dad ignores him and only messages when he wants something which isn't true he tries to make an effort but grandson ignores his messages. He does message grandson if I haven't replied to ask if I'm awake/ask him to get me to call him etc but he does message other times too. Sorry this post is so long. I've tried getting Camhs involved but the wait list is long and probably will turn 18 before we get an appointment and I doubt he'd engage anyway. School tried to get him to talk to the school counsellor but wouldn't If anyone has questions I'll answer and there's things I've not included as I don't want to make it too long

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 16/08/2025 13:04

"Oomf" is how terminally online youths refer to their friends (i learned this from lads at work the other day). I would be worried about radicalisation or images of child abuse, quite honestly. However, since you aren't in a position to check his PC, that's not much help to you.

If he doesn't go out, how's he getting his weed? Please don't tell me his dealer makes house calls...

Still contact Social Services and ask for advice. It might be worth asking for a carers assessment for you as well.

PermanentTemporary · 16/08/2025 13:03

He also has a history of neglect as a young child and maternal abandonment.

Needlenardlenoo · 16/08/2025 13:02

I'd describe him as a teenager at risk of homelessness, who has suffered family breakdown.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 16/08/2025 13:01

Here, there are Transition Teams at SS - covering teenagers and young people up to 25.

DD1 had a social worker from age 14 up to 22, after I requested a social care assessment for her and carer’s assessment for me. It is up to OP to spell out the seriousness of the situation to SS, as they try to leave care to the family, if they can to save money! Just tell them how it is, warts and all.

Original poster

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 12:49

StrongasSixpence · 16/08/2025 11:47

Hate to say this but it needs considering...

If he is spending all his time online, chatting on discords etc and very protective over his PC then there is a reasonable chance he could be involved with some dodgy, immoral and/or illegal stuff.

This could include: drugs/dealing (just need access to the post or couriers now), suicide chats, radicalisation/hate content, hacking/scamming or even child sexual abuse material. He could be a victim, perpetrator or most likely both.

Have you seen anything or has he said anything that might be concerning in that regard? Can you access his phone or Internet searches? If he is using Tor or a VPN, you won't be able to trace anything.

I'm not sure tbh. The drugs is a possibility as he does get weed from somewhere but I don't think dealing is a problem as a rarely leaves the house, then he says he doesn't go out because he's got no friends so what do we expect hum to do etc. The others are options but I'm not sure how id find out. He has a number password (a pin)for the PC so not something I’d be able to guess as it could be any combination if that makes sense. The same for his phone but I do see notifications from WhatsApp regularly, though his phone is locked so can never read the messages. I know he games with people from a different country like America but I think some are from the UK too. He calls them “oomfs” I'm not sure what that means, other times he refer to them as friends but apart from that he doesn't say much

Thank you to posters suggesting social services, would they do anything? I don't want to be fobbed off like I have with the GP, I've just been told to wait for CAMHS. If he won't engage how will SS help? Especially at almost 17

OP posts:

StrongasSixpence · 16/08/2025 11:47

Hate to say this but it needs considering...

If he is spending all his time online, chatting on discords etc and very protective over his PC then there is a reasonable chance he could be involved with some dodgy, immoral and/or illegal stuff.

This could include: drugs/dealing (just need access to the post or couriers now), suicide chats, radicalisation/hate content, hacking/scamming or even child sexual abuse material. He could be a victim, perpetrator or most likely both.

Have you seen anything or has he said anything that might be concerning in that regard? Can you access his phone or Internet searches? If he is using Tor or a VPN, you won't be able to trace anything.

OverlyFragrant · 16/08/2025 11:02

OP you're being far too accommodating. Everyone, and I mean everyone, your son, your grandson, camhs, the school, are walking all over you.
Your grandson is not your responsibility. His father needs to step up, and if he's being evicted, so what, thats on him not you.

You are being disrespected in your own home by a misogynistic little shit.

You are allowing it to happen.

PermanentTemporary · 16/08/2025 10:57

I’m horrified at your situation and tbh I don’t see how you are meant to achieve any of the things suggested.

I also think you are at quite high risk of violence from your grandson. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel sorry for him, I do, but in practical terms you also deserve a life.

So I would prioritise support for you. I’d ring the Kinship Carers charity suggested up thread, go and see your GP and get them to register you as a carer, and refer yourself to social services for a carer’s assessment. Something might come out of some of those things. Most of all I would tell these people about your son’s violence to himself and that you are afraid of him. Don’t hesitate to call the police if you are in active fear of him one day.

I will eat my hat if your grandson is not autistic. But that doesn’t mean very much at the moment. The only thing I would say is that the kids I know with autism that presents like this are doing things about 6-10 years later than their peers - life really can get better for them and those around them. But right now, this needs to be about you.

I wouldn’t try to parent him tbh. I hope the kinship care organisation can help a little. I personally would ring the national autistic society too.

Lex345 · 16/08/2025 10:51

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 10:42

He doesn't have a social worker, they were involved briefly where he used to live due to his mum/her partner being w risk to the children. But they haven't been involved for years. When my son first got full custody of him it was a big change as he previously only saw him most weekends, but things were going well. It wasn't until when he was going back to school after Christmas when he was in Y9 he started refusing. He never gave a reason to my son or school or anyone and my son did sort of just let him stay off because he couldn't force him and didn't know what to do. He did try when he was living here and started Y10. He’d get him up early a few weeks before term started to get him used to it etc but that didn't help. He didn't care about having no devices, he just slept or he would get disruptive while I was trying to WFH which meant I had to give in as my son was at work and it was just myself and grandson. Education welfare were involved but the person that was helpful left and the next people didn't really help they just said he needed to be in school. But by this point he was about to go into Y11 and had been in a handful of times so he was more than likely going to fail his GCSEs as he’d missed so much. He's now due to go to college this year

I don't know if he really means it when he threatens suicide but I agree with posters that he wouldn't be that vocal about it. I do worry about the self harm though but he won't talk about it and doesn't even answer when I ask if he's at least cleaned the cuts

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You sound a really kind grandparent and my heart really goes out to you.

Call social services on Monday, you should be able to self refer.

With the best will in the world, your grandson needs more support than you alone can give.

fortygin · 16/08/2025 10:47

I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for this poor child. He’s crying out for love.
his mother abandoned him and his father found it too hard to parent full time. I hope he accepts help (mother of a gay 17 year old)

Original poster

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 10:42

Lex345 · 16/08/2025 10:27

Oh my goodness OP, what a lot you have on your plate at the moment 💐

I apologise if I have missed this-does your grandson have a social worker? If not, he needs one. I would describe the current situation as reaching crisis point.

-High risk behavioural pattern
-Threats of violence
-Drug use
-Self injurious behaviour

Your grandson sounds like he has had a terrible start in life, compounded by possible undiagnosed additional needs, sexuality based rejection & a significant change to living circumstances. He needs specialised support that all the love in the world cannot compensate for.

CAMHS are notoriously difficult to access; and once accessed in our experience are not all that helpful. Added to this your grandson is approaching adult service age too.

His parents have let him down here and this should not have fallen to you, but since it has, I think you need to prioritise social worker involvement and there has to be some kind of plan with boundaries if your grandson is to stay with you. This ahould also only be temporary, his dad needs to step up.

He doesn't have a social worker, they were involved briefly where he used to live due to his mum/her partner being w risk to the children. But they haven't been involved for years. When my son first got full custody of him it was a big change as he previously only saw him most weekends, but things were going well. It wasn't until when he was going back to school after Christmas when he was in Y9 he started refusing. He never gave a reason to my son or school or anyone and my son did sort of just let him stay off because he couldn't force him and didn't know what to do. He did try when he was living here and started Y10. He’d get him up early a few weeks before term started to get him used to it etc but that didn't help. He didn't care about having no devices, he just slept or he would get disruptive while I was trying to WFH which meant I had to give in as my son was at work and it was just myself and grandson. Education welfare were involved but the person that was helpful left and the next people didn't really help they just said he needed to be in school. But by this point he was about to go into Y11 and had been in a handful of times so he was more than likely going to fail his GCSEs as he’d missed so much. He's now due to go to college this year

I don't know if he really means it when he threatens suicide but I agree with posters that he wouldn't be that vocal about it. I do worry about the self harm though but he won't talk about it and doesn't even answer when I ask if he's at least cleaned the cuts

OP posts:

Whinge · 16/08/2025 10:42

I appreciate he's had a very rough start in life, but it doesn't sound like there are any consequences for his behaviour.

You seem to be walking on eggshells in your own house, and unless you make some difficult decisions nothing is going to change. I know you want to support him, but it shouldn't be at the detriment of your mental and physical health.

Original poster

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 10:28

I have stopped putting his clothes away but now they're just all in the laundry basket waiting to be put away but he hasn't done it. He shouts if I put any of his clothes in the dryer because it ruins them or now he shouts if I put them on the line but the thing is he puts the washes on then leaves the clothes in the washer. Doesn't take them out then they do damp and I can't use the washer. It's like whatever I do he argues back its like he just wants to argue for the sake of it tbh. I do understand what posters are saying about turning the wifi off but he has data, turning electricity off or taking the PC would more than likely cause him to be violent. He hasn't been up to yet but I don't want to risk it.

Today I came downstairs and he’d left the kitchen in a mess, food on the table that he spilt, hadn't washed up his bowl or saucepan etc but he's now asleep so I had to do it myself because he would've kicked off if I woke him up to do it

OP posts:

Lex345 · 16/08/2025 10:27

Oh my goodness OP, what a lot you have on your plate at the moment 💐

I apologise if I have missed this-does your grandson have a social worker? If not, he needs one. I would describe the current situation as reaching crisis point.

-High risk behavioural pattern
-Threats of violence
-Drug use
-Self injurious behaviour

Your grandson sounds like he has had a terrible start in life, compounded by possible undiagnosed additional needs, sexuality based rejection & a significant change to living circumstances. He needs specialised support that all the love in the world cannot compensate for.

CAMHS are notoriously difficult to access; and once accessed in our experience are not all that helpful. Added to this your grandson is approaching adult service age too.

His parents have let him down here and this should not have fallen to you, but since it has, I think you need to prioritise social worker involvement and there has to be some kind of plan with boundaries if your grandson is to stay with you. This ahould also only be temporary, his dad needs to step up.

Inshockandsome · 16/08/2025 10:14

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 10:11

Thank you all, some helpful comments.

He refuses point blank to go for a walk or the supermarket, he complains we don't have food in that he wants to eat so I tell him to come with me next time and we can get what he wants but he refuses and then goes on his own occasionally. We had a dog and even then he would never take her for a walk or come with me, sadly she needed to be PTS earlier this year

I'm not sure any of the websites for SEN children would help if he's refusing to even acknowledge it? He says he isn't autistic whenever I bring it up

My son gives him money, not me. As I said in a PP he threatens suicide/lies to him about us having no food in or his dad gives him money because he thinks the food grandson is eating is unsuitable

I do think college would be better than an apprenticeship and it's hard to get them too and it will be especially hard as he has no qualifications

You are doing an amazing job op. I think as a gp you can only do so much. Keep encouraging him. Keep believing in him. He might need some time to get himself together, but with your love and care he is in the best place.

Original poster

AngelicAbout · 16/08/2025 10:11

Thank you all, some helpful comments.

He refuses point blank to go for a walk or the supermarket, he complains we don't have food in that he wants to eat so I tell him to come with me next time and we can get what he wants but he refuses and then goes on his own occasionally. We had a dog and even then he would never take her for a walk or come with me, sadly she needed to be PTS earlier this year

I'm not sure any of the websites for SEN children would help if he's refusing to even acknowledge it? He says he isn't autistic whenever I bring it up

My son gives him money, not me. As I said in a PP he threatens suicide/lies to him about us having no food in or his dad gives him money because he thinks the food grandson is eating is unsuitable

I do think college would be better than an apprenticeship and it's hard to get them too and it will be especially hard as he has no qualifications

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 16/08/2025 08:51

AngelicAbout · 15/08/2025 23:16

Not at all, both myself and my son have tried talking to him about it. Telling him we don't care who he's attracted to we love him no matter what etc. He just brushes it off and says it's none of our business

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Your son isnt demonstrating love for his child.

He's moved him away from all and of friends and family to live with you and them promptly moved out himself

It sounds like you are the only constant in his life just now and he's pushing you to see if you leave him too

I agree with PP not to move your son back in if your GS doesn't want this. Use this as a conversation starter with your GS to say you will consider his wishes if he will consider yours

College or work from September or both. Some routine. Contact SS, get in whatever waiting lists you need to get this poor boy some help. He'll be 18 before you know it and then what? Ask him to leave?

Who is is financially supporting him? Stop the money for weed. Explain to him it's your house and your rules or go and live with his Dad. You need to toughen up but show as much love and care as you can. He is waiting for you to reject him too like both his parents have.

As for going in his room to put clothes away. Stop.
But agree some house rules. He wants treating like an adult with privacy so he needs to act like an adult.

healthybychristmas · 16/08/2025 08:33

you know, OP, your own marriage is at risk with this and you really need to put yourself first. You are having to deal with this but your partner doesn't have to put up with it. I'd be so worried that eventually he would walk and to be honest I wouldn't blame him. I think it's really vital that your son got his own place and that the grandson was in with him. If the cost of that was me having to move house myself then that's what I would do.

Parksinyork · 16/08/2025 08:07

I feel so sorry for your grandson, both parents have left him but before that his Dad dragged what is very probably an autistic child away from his school and friends at one of the worst time in his education to move a child.

You need to SS but the child has been through a lot of trauma and there is no easy fix for that.

Needlenardlenoo · 16/08/2025 08:01

MindJam: Emotional and SEN support for Young People https://mindjam.org.uk/ this might be a useful service for your grandson. I think the best bet long term is to get the two of them into some kind of supported accommodation. Do contact social services. Do not let your son move back in.

MindJam: Emotional and SEN support for Young People

Emotional and SEN support for young people through gaming, game design and digital skills. MindJam supports through mentoring and counselling.

https://mindjam.org.uk

Whitesleeves · 16/08/2025 00:44

I think you need to try to reconnect with him in a different way. Suggest going together for a short walk, about 5 minutes each day. Nothing has to be said during these walks. If these go well, then extend it to grocery shopping. You need to train him to leave the house if he is to make a success of going to college, it won’t automatically happen come September. I would also stop with pushing autism on him. He clearly has a strong response to this and will need to get that help when he’s in a position to get help.

Whitesleeves · 16/08/2025 00:44

I think you need to try to reconnect with him in a different way. Suggest going together for a short walk, about 5 minutes each day. Nothing has to be said during these walks. If these go well, then extend it to grocery shopping. You need to train him to leave the house if he is to make a success of going to college, it won’t automatically happen come September. I would also stop with pushing autism on him. He clearly has a strong response to this and will need to get that help when he’s in a position to get help.

YourAquaLion · 16/08/2025 00:38

This sounds so rough on you OP. If this was happening to me I would get so mad I would become like a really strict teacher - firm but fair.

First of all read your son the riot act. Your house your rules. He needs to send money to you, not grandson, if you are to continue supporting them, as grandson cannot be trusted to use it wisely.

And could you had a chat with GS about WHY he needs to go to school and get an education? He might not be aware that he can’t live with you, gaming and sponging his whole life. Getting a decent job is his ticket out of there.

I don’t know how to turn off data on a phone, but learning how to do this might be your super power. In my experience, those who threaten suicide are far less likely to go thru with it than those who silently pretend all is fine. But obviously I am not an expert.

And can you start even small conversations with him to try to gain his trust? He has been given a really sh*te hand in life by people who were supposed to protect him (parents), so if you really want to help it’s going to take a long time to gain his trust and become that parent figure that he has never had.

if you want this role OP you can absolutely do it, but if it’s too much then maybe social services and the school need to get involved.

also, teenagers can be total shit-bags and then turn out okay in the end. Sending strength!

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 15/08/2025 23:46

I don’t know what a pp meant by harm reduction, with regards to self harming; but the advice is to offer another way of causing pain, without cutting. One is to flick an elastic band on the wrist and the other is to hold ice cubes.

Muffinmam · 15/08/2025 23:33

AngelicAbout · 15/08/2025 19:10

They moved in 2 years ago. My son moved out last year but grandson was settled, had his room sorted and didn't want to go with his dad.

He agreed to go to college in sept and do his GCSEs but I'm not sure how likely that is

He won't engage with the idea of him being autistic, I tried to bring it up again at the weekend but he told me to go away and leave him alone, said me going on at him is why he doesn't leave his room

He barely leaves the house to he honest, he went out last week to a concert but that was the first time in a while he'd left the house (apart from quick trips to tesco which is a 5 min walk).

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Turn off the internet permanently. Turn off the electricity at night.