Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

Your husband is a prick.
I just couldn't tolerate such behaviour towards my child.
Let him argue snd convince himself.
I couldn't look at such a nast twat.
Your poor boy.
As if he hasn't enough to deal with.
Your son is learning that his dick father is a bully.

Your husband was a dick and needs to educate himself on Autism, and on 5 year olds by the sound of it. 🙄

This went on for 45 minutes you say?

I'd have shut it down after 5.

Actually it would never have happened on my watch (I have a globally delayed 7yo and like fuck would I ever let her dad do that to her)

End to end this is not good parenting.

it was entirely unnecessary to offer money in the first place.

I can’t believe you both watched him try for 45 minutes!

Resilience isn’t built by offering cash for impossible tasks and then dealing with disappointment. The child is five!

Building resilience would have been:

1)Child tries bars of own volition and is disappointed when he doesn’t make it.

2)Parent praising effort and noting sweat/sunscreen makes it tricky.

3)Parent says shall we try 3 more times and then try something else.

4)If Child still can’t manage, parents praise him for dealing with his disappointment well and promise to come back another day to practice.

5. Praising child for how well he does something else in the park.

The scenario above teaches child:

1. that efforts is its own reward. 2)that his parents are are proud of him for trying even if he doesn’t succeed first time
2. that his parents love is unconditional
3. that it’s absolutely ok not to be able to do something and that practice towards a goal is a good thing.
4. even if you aren’t good at thing A you might be good at thing B.

I don’t know what the hell your husband thinks he taught your child today but it wasn’t resilience.

Your DH needs to start with himself and his own lack of emotional intelligence.

He needs to work on his own life skills of self reflection, flexibility, ablility to admit mistakes.

It's as much a skill to realise you got something wrong and course correct as it is to double down.

I think it was a bit of a dick move to put that pressure on, totally unnecessary when just the satisfaction of completeing it would be reward enough, but as long as that fiver comes whenever he does do it... imagine how thrilled DS will be then!

Children don't learn resilience from being treated unkindly by their parents. The way your dh treats your da will become his own internal monologue. He'll be more resilient if he can be kind to himself.

Maybe if someone had been kinder to your dh as a child he's be less comfortable with treating a young boy so coldly.

I can see both sides. I don't think DH was wrong initially, as you say DS can usually do the monkey bars easily, so it would/should have been a quick win for him. When his hands were slipping he could have changed the goal a bit - maybe halfway across or something, or a treat for trying hard.

It's such nasty bollocks, and often used as an excuse for a failing education system
YES @spoonbillstretford! Totally agree.

This child is 5. This child is autistic. He doesn’t need to learn “resilience”. He needs to be allowed to be a child in a safe space. To learn. To play. Not to be bullied and belittled.

Jeez, it’s like we’ve stepped back in time. Trying to toughen up autistic 5 year olds. Shameful.

Probably best not to get me started on the “man’s way” comment.

Personally I don't like financial bribes/bets with kids - unless to teach them that the only reason people would offer that bet is because they don't think that you can do it (ie. they're taking advantage).

As to 'the ways of men' - no thanks. My kids learn 'the ways not to be a jerk' and are all the better for it. Yes, resiliency is a part of that - but so is ignoring people who are jerks - and I think it's ideally better for them not to think that way about their father (although TBF, their father, my ex, is largely a jerk which they are realistic about)

Same. Life offers lots of teachable moments around learning to handle disappointment. Setting up an artificial one is just toxic dick swinging.

It was an impossible task. With the suncream and sweat. He should give another opportunity to try it though on a day when he hasnt got slippy hands

Yanbu, after 10/15min he should have praised him for trying and doing so well and given him the money to go get an ice cream!

Soooo mean. Honestly what is wrong with him!

His point of view would be fine if getting or not getting the fiver was part of some sort of competition your DS had decided to enter. If it was in some way an inevitable or freely chosen situation involving potential disappointment.

But this was a disappointment entirely manufactured by your DH for absolutely no earthly reason. Your DS was already motivated to want to do the monkey bars without the incentive, plus there was no motivation needed as it didn’t matter if he could do them - especially with sweaty, oily hands.

It was all so unnecessary.

That’s true - a boyfriend and girlfriend would both be adults and so much less vulnerable than a 5 yo.

DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment.

If my other half behaved like that he'd be soon learning to handle the disappointment of being kicked out and having to live with his mother.

Boyfriend and girlfriend isn't father and son. The relationship dynamic isn't comparable.

Your poor little boy.

This reminds me of my dad. Telling me that if I didn't bite my nails between Christmas and my birthday in may I'd get some money.
The same thing between may and Christmas.
I never got any money.
When he died in my 41st year I stopped biting my nails.

Please stand up for your son.

Yes, they do. But that's not "men be awful, and women make it all better".

So men are just supposed to watch people struggle and not help and then criticise their efforts without sympathy?

That's how you'd like your daughter to be treated by her boyfriend?

I think what your husband did was horrific, and I thought that before I realised (skipped over it first time) that you son has autism.

Why would you deliberately wind a child up in that way? Cause an upset when there was absolutely no need for one?

I don’t think I’d be able to look at my DH in the same way after that.

Toxic masculinity.

Why couldn’t he have just said “Well although you didn’t manage it today, you have made a really good effort so I’ll give you £2.50 and next time, when you’ll probably manage it, l will give you the £5.