Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

This reminded me of that child on the treadmill with the abusive Dad. I'd be very careful about this sort of domineering behaviour toward a very young child

Sorry OP but I think that's a bloody awful way to treat a 5 year old! He was obviously going to struggle on such a hot day with sweaty hands and suncream and your DH should have praised and rewarded his effort instead of making him feel like a failure. I would not have allowed this to happen and would probably have given him the fiver myself for trying so hard. Your DH has a lot to learn about parenting!

💯

that was a shitty thing to do to a 5 year old

He is FIVE and tried for 45 mins. That’s adult level resilience.

It’s ok that he couldn’t do it today and that he was frustrated but your husband was a dick for this bit Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. That’s like goading and teasing him rather than a healthier “maybe next time” attitude which would have got his point across without escalating things.

I’ve not even mentioned the autism because five year olds find big emotions like frustration difficult to handle.

Yeah, he was taught that you try and try, you fail, you try some more. You fail. You try again. You fail but, at some point, you'll succeed because you tried and failed.

Kids get upset when they don't have instant gratification. Parents then teach them self control, discipline and emotional regulation. That's our job.

We console them with the fact that failure isn't permanent and trying is not the actual reward but part of the process towards success.

Maybe some children and adults would benefit from reading the book, 'The Little Engine that Could'.

I'm team dad 100%

Effort pays off? Only it didn’t for the OP’s little boy did it? He tried and tried and tried but it was impossible so he got upset. His father shouldn’t have dangled the carrot in the first place but as he did he should have praised his effort and bought him an ice cream or something.

I honestly don’t know how people can defend such shitty parenting

At the moment those coming into the workplace have none of it and it's a pretty miserable existence working with them day in day out

Ah, another sweeping statement about 'the young people of today'. Your experience is very different from mine. That's the thing about anecdotes - they're meaningless.

This is very tiger mum style parenting. Some people get very successful kids out of it. I just couldn't though. I would have given half the money or given an ice cream for trying. Seeing my kid that upset I would have melted.

At what age should resilience be taught?

At the moment those coming into the workplace have none of it and it's a pretty miserable existence working with them day in day out

Ok, so? Your kids aren't OP kids and your DH isn't her DH and your situation isn't theirs, so how is this relevant?

The fact is, the deal was struck, it wasn't fulfilled so the DH has to stand by the offer and teach the kid about effort/reward. Simple.

The DH isn't a bad person for not giving the reward. Nothing wrong with encouraging the child to keep trying. Effort pays off. I mean, it's basic parenting.

Are you a housewife from the 1950s?

Wtaf?

My adult sons don’t know “the way of men” then because DH never, ever treated them like that. He wouldn’t have said he’d give them a fiver in the first place tbf, he’d have praised their effort and bought them an ice cream.

Poor little DGS (19mths) has no hope of learning “the way of men” either. He’s normally so placid and cheerful but he was upset the night before last because he was tired and hot. It made DH all weepy because he’s so soft.

your dh was being a dick to your son and he’s being a dick to you now too.

I find that when parents are cruel to their children it’s often because someone was cruel to them when they were young. It’s not an excuse, but talking about it might offer a way to help your husband figure out how to get a grip. The way he has doubled down on you suggests he’s got some deep thinking to do.

It's a hard one because what's it teaching him if he gives him a fiver even though he said it was only if he met the goal. He could have said £5 for effort after maybe. If he was visibly upset I wouldn't have had him do it so many times in the heat, sweat and circumstances and asked to try it on a better day.

I would've put him on my shoulders let him 'do' the monkey bars and given him the fiver

I'm very against babying children and believe they need to learn life lessons from a young age, but I am 100% against your DH on this. When he realised DS wasn't going to make it he should have said maybe today is too hot we'll try again another day and maybe given him 50p for trying or something. I agree he couldn't handover the fiver without undermining himself but to watch DS get increasingly frustrated was unfair and cruel. My SIL did something similar offering a treat with my DS at that age, same diagnosis. He didn't even try he just had a meltdown because he knew he couldn't do it. Dh felt bad so got him the same treat anyhow, which wasn't ideal, but she launched into a speech about learning about consequences and disappointment etc. That was over 10 years ago and it still annoys me to think of it.

Odd. At that age my DC didn't have the concept of what a fiver Was!

I’d probably have given my child the fiver myself for trying so hard and taken the wind out of STBXH’s bullying sails.

I can’t abide a bully or displays of power.

Awful. Poor ds.

Watch him OP, because that type of unkindness towards a child of 5 with a disability, is not something I could tolerate in my marriage.

Resilience my arse. Prick.

What a nasty nasty man. Poor kid.

This is very true too! I don’t think people realise how resilience is taught or what it even means.

100% this. I have an autistic child and his need to complete a task/win would have seen us in the park a similar length of time. This wasn't about resilience it was cruel and your partner clearly doesn't understand much about autism or his own child

Why did your Dh need your DS to prove he could do the monkey bars when you already knew he could do them easily in normal circumstances. With suncream and sweaty hands it was always going to be impossible for him to succeed. So your DH deliberately set him up to fail. And why rub it in by offering a reward? Why didn't he give him a fiver on all the other occasions when he has climbed the monkey bars?

And now a little boy who probably because of his autism finds some things in life difficult, will have lost confidence in something that he would normally succeed in and enjoy.

Far more important than building "resilience", is building the confidence of a child who's diagnosis means he may face some struggles in life.