Mum demanding payments each month

I wouldn’t even say this. I’d message asking for statements to show the full amount you owe and I’d also ask her whether she got child benefit when you moved out and were 17 as that should definitely go against your costs. Her responses to these will tell you everything.

100%

Could you go through your bank statements? Was it through the bank or cash that she lent you money? I know it’s irrelevant but it’s might you feel better if you stop paying. Sounds like financial abuse to be honest.

But she could just fabricate this. The OP needs to understand that she should not be paying her mother regardless of the amount she borrowed.

You have paid her back already haven’t you?

First step - look back and add up what you have already paid.

Then add up child benefit from when you moved out to your 18th. It would be between 90-100 per month I think.

Add the two together and see what you have.

Them divide that figure by the number of months you were ‘borrowing’ off her (I have put borrowing in quotes because I see it as her duty and not to be paid back but she’s obviously a difficult personality).

This will give you an idea if YOU. think you under or over paid.

You then think about what has been said here and what YOU think is FAIR. Most parents would happily help to feed their child even post 18.

I suspect you will have overpaid.

So then write;

Dear mum,

I have totted up finances and;

Amount paid from - to = Xxx
You would also have been getting child benefit for me from date - date.

From my calculations, any debt you think I accrued has been paid.

Given this and the fact that I need to work towards financial security for myself, I am no longer able to do monthly payments.

If you think that I still owe you then could you provide me with evidence of that please and if I agree with it, I’ll decide on a manageable payment plan.

You can make it more friendly if you like;

Hi mum,

I have looked back and have paid you X amount over the last X years. I can’t imagine I owe you much more than that do I?! If you think I do, could you let me know how much you think it is and why please (minus child benefit received). I’ll then try and figure out what to do. See you Saturday. X

If you were in the Looked After system then it might be worth contacting them to see if there is support you can get with this - even just someone to help you think it through.

Personally, I think you deserved and deserve better and no-contact would be my choice here but I totally get why that can be hard.

Best of luck and well done for surviving all of that, all of this and doing so well to forge a life for yourself. I get the sense you’ll be just fine!! 😊

Wait. Do you think she may have lost tax credits and child benefit and added them to the bill?! Blimey. That would make her some piece of work (on top of all the rest!)

This is financial abuse. You don't need her in your life and if she doesn't go quietly, you're strong enough to handle that. Don't give her any more money. You need that money to save for your future life and you don't owe her anything. She is clearly not basing her demands on anything remotely realistic and just wants to control you. I can imagine stopping the payments is a frightening thought because it will reveal how much your mum values you for the money rather than yourself - but I promise you will be stronger for this, and you'll be able to build a life for yourself.

As she claims to know how much you borrowed and jow much you still have to pay back ask her for a full itemised account. All money loaned and repaid, only then will you agree to keep paying. Morally and legally she has no legs to stand on. She should have been paying your legal guardian, which was you, child support until you turned 18/left school.

That's irrelevant though....I know you're not suggesting that this money is owed but it's going to put doubts in OP's head.

This thread is possibly one of the saddest I have ever seen on here.

The ONLY one who has any, any blame in this scenario is your sorry excuse for a mother. Tell her you are done being blackmailed by her and any money she had "lent you" was money she owed you for her being such a wastetoid of a parent.

If she cuts off contact, that will truly be in your best interest. Some people, like your mother, just are a failure at being a parent. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

I think you sound amazing and if you had a better parental figure growing up, you would realize that. I think many MNers would be quite proud to call you their daughter, so it's your mother's loss, not yours.

You can pick your friends, you can pick out your mate, you can pick out your favorite foods. Heck, you can even pick your nose. Sadly, you do not get to pick your family. BUT, you can pick friends who can be just like family, and many times, much better than the ones fate dropped on you.

You got away from your mother, so don't let her try to keep a chain on you. You are free. Enjoy that and have a wonderful, fulfilling life.

If you moved out at 17 and started to work there should have been no child benefit.
Do you know how much you’ve paid her back? Have you asked how long she plans on receiving money from you every month? It can’t be ongoing indefinitely and if she can’t tell you how much you’ve paid or owe then she’s just financially abusing you. I’d stop paying her

No darling, that's not ok. You owe her nothing. Hard as it may be, you need to walk away.
She would've got your child benefit until the authorities caught up and the pennies she was lending you never added up to the £2400/yr you've been paying back.
You'd have had to borrow £2 three times a day every day to get to the figures she was talking about.
Mums don't do this, they give their kids a leg up, not a kicking.
Step away for your own wellbeing.

I'm so sorry OP, this is absolute financial and psychological abuse.

This.

I was thinking she lost the child benefit and tax credits when the girl was taken away from her care. That would be like around £900 for the child benefit alone plus some tax credits if she was entitled to those as well. She must be still bitter after all these years. But she’s taking the piss and taking advantage of the girl. What an awful person and a horrible mother.

Oh sweet girl, you’ve been through a lot and you’re doing incredibly well considering you’re only 20.

It’s so unfair that your mother is treating you this way. She’s a manipulative abuser. I hope you know that any kind of real mother would never hound their struggling child for that money, especially at only 20, and especially as it was only the odd £20 to keep you floating. My mum regularly has to send over a couple of £20 a month to my sister (in her late 30s) as she’s struggling. Now, my mother is a bit tight but she would never ask for it back as she knows she will never be able to afford it, never mind the fact that you just help your children where you can.

You don’t owe her anything. She’s keeping you trapped. The best thing you can do is to stop paying it. It doesn’t sound as if she’s ever going to stop asking for more, she’ll find more ways to make your life difficult because she’s no true mother and she’s taking out whatever life resentment or failures on you.

You don't owe her anything. She's your mother...she's meant to take care of you. I've have two DS's aged 20 and 22. Youngest DS is at uni and lives with me in the holidays...he has quite a lot of savings but I pay for everything while he's at home. Eldest lives with his dad but when he's with me I pay for everything and I send him money occasionally for food.

That's what parents do and that is what you deserve too. In fact you deserve it more after being abused for your whole childhood. It's hard for you to see because of the way you've been raised but you've nothing to feel guilty for. The only people who should feel guilty are your parents, particularly your mother who I imagine has some sort of personality disorder. I know it's hard to cut contact but you have nothing to lose because you're not reliant on your mother for anything...she's giving you nothing either emotionally or financially and is trying to con you out of half your earnings.

Please stop paying her anything, you've paid more than enough. She's taking advantage of you and your misplaced feeling of guilt.

OP, I think you have been given lots of helpful advice. I think you need to access support. As, other poster have pointed out your mum is abusing and reason you probably feel so bad and guilty is because she has been abusing you for a long time. Please choose your self. You deserve more than this.

No, you don’t owe her any more money so why would you give her £100 a month when you need it and she doesn’t?

tell her that you’ve paid her back now and stop any future payments to her. Her behaviour is disgusting and she isn’t likely to stop. Like a pp said, she wants full control of you.

you Are clearly a very strong young woman so take the control back. No more payments. You’ve repaid your (unfair) debt. Go forwards now, nothing tying you down.

if she cuts you off, it’s her loss. Not yours. You haven’t done anything wrong so don’t let her make you feel guilty

You don’t need to fix anything anymore. Leave the broken pieces (the situation with your mom) on the floor and walk away, otherwise you will have to face being entangled in this situation for a long time to come.

Many parents fork out a hell of a lot for their children at the age of 17 and beyond to support them in starting out in life and flying the nest.. your mother sounds like a bit of a parasite..

OP please save this. Screenshot it or something.

I completely agree with everyone regarding how much of a terrible mother she is but all of that aside you clearly quite literally do not owe her any money and you very obviously have paid her back.

You are talking about £2 here and there. You cannot possibly have lent so much that it’s still not paid off.

So let’s switch things up here and speak more honestly. We are not discussing whether you should continue paying her back because you logically owe her nothing - quite the opposite. We are discussing whether you should pay her a fee every month not to cut you off.

Please try and see that. There will never come a point where she says “ah love you’ve paid it all back now”.

You owe her nothing. Not just morally but factually.

You have been and are being abused by your mother.

Are you familiar with trauma responses? I wonder if you identify with the fawn response (maybe google)?

A long time ago it’s likely you coped with trauma by trying to be really small and passive and keep things nice. Perhaps you convinced yourself that if you could just be better than you would be accepted and loved.

That was never true. You were a child. You were good enough already. It was her who was not. You were a child - confused and alone and trying desperately to survive.

Telling yourself you could make it better by doing what she wanted offered you the illusion of control but you never had control because it was never your fault and was all hers.

You aren’t much more than a child now (I don’t mean that patronisingly I just mean literally in age regarding all that time she should have been still financially supporting you) and look what you’ve achieved. Look where you are. You’ve done all this and achieved so much even with her dragging you down at every step.

The voice telling you you couldn’t cope if she cut you off - whose voice is it? If you listen carefully I wonder if you’d find it’s hers.

The voice is wrong by the way. You have coped with so much. Things might even be easier. But it doesn’t matter because you’re not choosing to cut her off - she is choosing whether to do that.

I implore you to use any money you have available that could go to her on building up your life. Please get therapy and look forward.

You probably won’t read this - but if you do - you know what your mum is doing is wrong. That’s why you asked for help here. Listen to us - stop paying.

Sending warm thoughts and a hug OP.

You are surviving ongoing harm and trauma. You do not deserve to be in this situation. Keep your head up and consider leaving her too it. Clearly the care and love she should have given as a child and young person is not and probably will never be forthcoming.

The amount of money you owe is inconsequential. She should be paying you to make up for turning your home from a safe haven of comfort and love into a war zone. I can’t imagine what that was like for you.

She owes you so much more than you owe her.

Your mother isn't behaving like a mother to you. As someone else said upthread, it's likely that you've paid her back and then some.
As parents, we expect to help out our offspring.
I would cut off contact with her and get your brainspace and wages back to build your own life.