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Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 15/08/2025 19:20

Your mother is deliberately acting like a loan shark to keep you beholden to her. She is punishing you for daring to move out, and for daring to speak to a social worker. Do not pay her another penny without evidence of exactly what you allegedly owe, and have already paid. If she doesn't have that evidence (and I'd be gobsmacked if she did) then do not pay her another penny. If she does produce the evidence, only consider committing to paying back what you can afford without having to borrow more.

I'm a firm believer in paying debts, but you are being shafted by your own mother.

whynotwhatknot · 15/08/2025 19:17

3 p0ouns here and there and shes asking for it back? you dont owe anything like thousands

you have probably paid way over what she lent you-ive never asked someone to give me 2 pounds back or noted it down as a debt

mugglewump · 15/08/2025 19:15

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:29

I am 20 years old.
I don’t know the exact figure, she has told me it’s a build up of different £2’s and various different small payments from when I first left home, for eg before I had received my first payment from universal credit (had just moved into a supported accommodation, was very young and not in a good place at the time, I got a job soon after!) and needed to get some food shopping (just bread, milk etc!! Nothing fancy)

I would be very surprised if she had been keeping a record of the money she has lent you if it has all been in small amounts - £10 here, £2 there, you said. Therefore, this £400 has just been picked out of thin air. I would ask for proof of the total amount owed. If she cannot provide it, you don't have to pay it to her.

If she cuts communication, I think she would be doing you a favour in the long term. She has not been much of a mum to you, kicking you out at 17. You are legally still a child at that age. You are still so young to stand on your own two feet, but I can't see how 'paying to have a relationship with your mother'* is really going to help you.

*Because that is what it sounds like she is making you do.

lcakethereforeIam · 15/08/2025 19:14

OP I googled 'I'm in debt to a loan shark uk' and this was one of the first results 😳

Loan Shark Debts? Get Free Expert Advice. StepChange https://share.google/PfLxADcxVhNBuVHjP

Especially the bit in the purple box!

I've never heard of Step Change. There's a bit about them in Wikipedia. They're a charity and regulated by the FCA. If you think they're legitimate you may want to contact them for advice. No mother should treat there child like this.

Also controlling and coercive behaviour by a family member is a crime

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Loan Shark Debts? Get Free Expert Advice. StepChange

https://www.stepchange.org/debt-info/owing-money-to-loan-sharks.aspx

Charel2girl5 · 15/08/2025 19:10

Tell her to fu** off and forget all about it. Get on with your life and all the best! 🤗

Worrywort23 · 15/08/2025 19:09

This is absolutely shocking.
This woman is not, and has never been a mother to you.
I cannot imagine not helping one of my children in need and demanding they pay me back when they are struggling financially.
Please, please do not pay her any more money. She is a leech without any consideration for you at all.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/08/2025 19:08

I absolutely can't believe what i am reading , your mother is not only batshit but evil too, how does she sleep at night treating her precious child like this.
The stress you have been under for years must be consuming you and now is the time to make a stand and say enough is enough !
You don't owe this selfish cruel excuse of a mother one penny , what she has done to you is totally abusive.
I am the mother of a teenage girl and it is one of my life's missions to send her off into the adult world knowing how wanted she was and how very loved she has always been and that nothing on this earth would stop us her family from rescuing her from anything she needed us too .
I would sell my soul for her , for that is what a mother would do.
Please cut them off and live the happy life you deserve , you are so young and should be having the time of your life.
On the practical side i think i would be looking into some legal advice should she start to harass you , you then may be able to get some sort of injunction to force her to leave you in peace.
I imagine if you don't make a change her behaviour will remain the same and she will always find a reason to treat you in this truly awful way .
You are so worthy of a future filled with love and happiness and security and all the other wonderful good things just waiting to come your way , please accept a huge virtual hug from me , you truly are amazing ❤

Annalouisa · 15/08/2025 19:08

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

You've been paying her every month for years, but for what? Is it a daughter duty? Paying her for the pleasure of living? A fee for having a bad mother? Sorry, but I think you have to realise your mother is milking you, and your £200 per month is in fact a fee for having contact with her.

Seriously, you know you don't owe her, she knows you don't owe, but why would be she stop charging you? It's free money for her, and erm, she's unscrupulous and doesn't care much about your welfare - as evidenced by the home environment she created for you.

Why don't you ask her

  • to give you a breakdown of how much she allegedly lent you and
  • how much you've paid her back over the yars?
  • how much child benefit she's received for you over the years
..then she'll soon clam up and drop this topic.
AnnaFrith · 15/08/2025 19:07

IndyNial · 15/08/2025 17:26

OP here is a link to NHS therapies.
www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

You can refer yourself online. Write about how you feel and your relationship with your mum and how difficult it is for you to set boundaries. The financial abuse.
They can then direct your referral to the most appropriate service.

Or they might suggest a different support service.

I wonder if there is even a safeguarding issue here with financial exploitation.

Or you can go to the GP and ask for a referee to a peer coach or mental health support service for young people. I don’t know what’s in your area.

But as a start please refer yourself somewhere asap x

Please do this. She abused you and is still abusing you, and you need help to deal with that and learn to set healthy boundaries. I am sorry you have had to deal with this.

Please don't pay her any more money.

PolyVagalNerve · 15/08/2025 19:07

Hey OP - you sound amazing
your mum has not been good to you that’s for sure
you owe her nothing - no money, no explanation. Nothing.
i hope she one day regrets how she has treated you

be kind to yourself, you deserve self compassion and more.
wishing you all the very best and a life of freedom from trauma x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/08/2025 19:06

JLou08 · 15/08/2025 15:48

Let her cut you off. You may find you are happier without her in your life.
Stop paying her. See if you are entitled to UC or council tax reduction. Citizen's advice or welfare rights may be able to see what youre entitled to and help you learn to budget better. Maybe look into education or training, you're still very young, you can work towards a well earning career. Use food banks whilst you get yourself back on your feet. Don't ask her for anything again, live an independent life where you're not dragged down by her conditions and from the sounds of it financial exploitation.

This is good advice. Please OP.. get in contact with Citizen's advice... and also a debt charity. See what other benefits you can claim. Ask if there are any groups that help young people in your situation, particularly those that may help you further your education/career.

It sounds like you need to find someone you can talk to to help you make your plans to move forward... ask GP or citizen's advice to recommend someone.

I bet there's a way of checking if she continued to claim child benefit after you moved out too.

You deserve a better mother than the one you've got.. its very sad, but I don't think she's doing you any good..

It's very sad that you are in this position and its so unfair, but you sound like a resilient person who will find the strenght to get through this. Wishing you all the very best

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2025 19:05

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:18

Thank you.
I don’t want to be too outing but I am privately housed via work.
I mean both types.

Sorry I didn’t respond for hours.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. You didn’t deserve any of this to happen to you. And in fact their fighting in front of you was a form of abuse too.

Have you been able to have any counselling to help you with all of this?

Menonut · 15/08/2025 19:05

As the mum of a 20 year old - stop paying you don’t owe her anything!
If you don’t want to stop paying ask her for a detailed record of how much you owed, how much you have paid back and how much you still owe. I bet she can’t give that to you.

She is doing this to keep a hold on you. Stop paying. If people are awful enough to believe her if she’s bad mouthing you, do you want them or her in your life?

Be proud of yourself for everything you have achieved and use the money to build yourself a better life rather than funding your mum who clearly doesn’t need it.

Flamingoknees · 15/08/2025 19:04

Please stop paying OP. You shouldn't have to pay to have a relationship with your mother/family. That's how this reads. She is financially abusing you. Please don't start calculating anything. You don't need to pay anything. Your mother is a disgrace. Please seek counselling or a confidence building course/group. Your thought patterns are a result of her abuse. Is there a "Well Woman" type of service near you? Social services may be able to signpost you to a suitable service. Citizens Advice may also be helpful. Your GP can signpost you too. Never borrow money from her again - she sounds like a loan shark!
You sound lovely and capable - seek positive support. She is dragging you down.

ReadingTime · 15/08/2025 19:03

Oh sweetie you don't owe her anything. Her giving you the odd £20 here and there where you were a teenager is a normal thing for a parent to do for a child and her demanding it back from you now, several times over, is madness.

She is abusing you. There is no debt, just lies and abuse.

Tell her you're done giving her money, and let her do what she likes, and say what she likes. She is a terrible mother and if she cuts you off you will be better off in the long run. The emotional pain and turmoil will be worth it to be free of her.

You are not in debt to this woman, you are being abused by her. I'm so sorry.

FairKoala · 15/08/2025 19:03

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

Blaming yourself for what?

saraclara · 15/08/2025 19:02

I hope you're not finding this thread overwhelming @Lifeisinshambles , and that you come back.

You mention not wanting to lose your dad. What part does he play in this? Does he agree with your mum taking this money from you? How was your relationship him when you were removed from their home (and before)?

I know it's hard growing up with abuse that becomes normal in your head. I also had a father who I loved very much, and was my safe place. But now I can see how weak he was. He didn't witness a lot of the abuse, but even so, he let things happen that he shouldn't have.
I might be projecting, but is that your situation?

IAmQuiteNiceActually · 15/08/2025 19:01

Sorry for writing again but as others have said, it's important you have therapy and do some research into abuse. You're in a very vulnerable position at the moment and you're very easy prey for other abusive people. People who have been abused are so used to being treated badly that they tend to think it's normal. I wouldn't like that to happen to you x

ilovelamp82 · 15/08/2025 19:00

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

STOP PAYING HER!!

You don't owe her anything and the woman who is supposed to love you is taking money from you. The woman who is supposed to love you is making you feel that her love is only available of the condition that you pay her money. This is not normal. I understand that this is making you sad, but the only way this is going to EVER stop, is if YOU STOP PAYING HER.

olympicsrock · 15/08/2025 18:58

Your mother is a witch. You don’t owe her a penny. She is financially abusing you.

Get away from
her and don’t look back

Namechangerage · 15/08/2025 18:57

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

Don’t pay a thing!!

Send a blanket message to her and the family.

Hi mum,

When I left home you continued lending me bits and bobs of money. This is now paid off - £7,400 over 4 years, yet you are trying to get me to pay £400 per month.

I am now stopping the payments. Unless you can prove that I owe more than the £7.400 we are all settled up. I don’t want there to be any bad feeling so I’m sending this message to make you aware. I will let others know if they need to know what happened too. Thank you x

AarghTaxi · 15/08/2025 18:57

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 17:10

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200? I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working because I’ve never been able to escape it, I’ve been paying every month for years.

Would it help to donate this £100 instead? May be a DV charity or crisis centre? Or (and I mean this very kindly) invest in some therapy and counselling for yourself. Anything that continues to build on your self confidence.
Your mum is still abusing you...you have come enormously far, but as everyone has said, you don't owe her anything.
You can do this ❤

IndyNial · 15/08/2025 18:54

OP well done for posting. If you feel strong enough to listen to some of the wise advice here (almost unanimous), and ready to make some changes, we can support you through it. Though of course real life and specialist support would be better for you. Have a real think and read through this thread again to see what’s happening here. It cannot go on x

ThreeLocusts · 15/08/2025 18:54

OP this thread makes me really sad. Your mother has treated you abominably, but you're still loyal and trying to be decent to her. That's very honourable of you, but I kind of wish for your sake that you could just walk away.

My daughter is almost 18 and about to go to university. We'll be paying for her room and giving her a monthly stipend, not because we're particularly nice people but because that's what parents do if they can, and certainly if they're sitting on six-digit sums of money.

In practical terms - maybe go to citizens' advice by yourself first to firm up your legal position, then come back with your mother, so that they can support you in putting across to her that you owe her diddly squat. Zilch.

Her behaviour is clearly about control, and since she's got emotional hooks in you, it'll be a long-term challenge to deal with. I hope you have or find friends who can help, and maybe therapy really isn't a bad idea.

You've achieved a lot sorting yourself out to the point that you can pay her anything at all, hats off to you. Don't let her get you downFlowers

IAmQuiteNiceActually · 15/08/2025 18:53

Why are people complicating this by talking about lost child benefit? She lost the child benefit because she was abusing her child and still is.