Mum demanding payments each month

Yes but I'm sure op remembers at least one of the loans, repayments made. If it's entirely fabricated, op has the proof they need that their mum is full of shit.

It’s absolutely clear that you owe your parents nothing financially. Where was your father when your mother was abusing you?
Your problem goes beyond money; it’s about the state of your emotions. You really do need some help with giving you the resolve to free yourself from the guilt that you are carrying.

Cut her off now. If you haven’t signed anything. fuck her. Stop allowing her to manipulate and bully you.

This is abusive financial control. You really do need to get away from this woman. You sound like a lovely person who is being taken advantage of by the woman who should love you most. Please don’t give her another penny. Get on with your life without her. If she bad mouths you, let her. What others think about you is none of your business. This situation is keeping you trapped in a bad past. You’re so young and are doing really well; that’s probably why she’s asking for more - so she can sabotage you and hold you back. Is there an older adult you could talk to?

If you've been paying for years then from what you've said I suspect you've more than repaid what is owed. Stop paying.

Your mum isn't going to cut you off. Unfortunately you're her punch bag and this is simply another way to abuse you.

If you really feel compelled to keep paying her (you really should stop), then ask for a breakdown - for someone that has seemingly kept track of these "thousands" she maintains is owed, then she really ought to be able to procure this. Then sit and tot up what you've paid.

As others have said. Normal and decent parents wouldn't begrudge helping their kids with every day essentials. I know I wouldn't!

OP I am so sad reading your post.
You do not owe this woman anything.
There is something very wrong going on here.
Could you maybe seek some support through the citizens advice bureau?

Let’s flip this around a bit.

your mum wants £400 a month. She has given you no end date.

for £400 a month from Tesco loans over, for sake of argument 4 years. I could borrow £17000 in 48 months that payment will stop.I will have repaid the amount in full. The total amount repayable is £19210.

do you think that’s how much she’s has given you?

loan sharks charge unsustainable amounts of interest and the initial sums keep increasing.

banks have a specific repayment schedule and end date.

you are being financially abused, you need to stop paying her anything.

I’ve been on here for a number of years and I have never come across this form of financial abuse until now. I am so sad for you that your own mother is doing this to you.

Please stop paying her, and please realise in her eyes it will never be enough or stop until the day she dies.

I hope one day soon you accept that not all people have the parent(s) they deserve. It’s a horrible realisation to come to terms with.

For your own sanity and normality I think you should try to break away from her, and don’t ever let her make you feel guilty.

Good luck, you come across as a lovely young lady 💐

I wanted to say OP that if you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed and feel unable to actually go ahead with what you think will be her cutting her off, please at least know that it’s not all or nothing.

You don’t need to feel ashamed and not come back to the thread if that does happen. I stand by the fact you absolutely shouldn’t be paying her anything but if you’re going to then yes of course £100 is better than £400.

Therapy is better than not.

Some boundaries are better than none.

You don’t have to choose between following all of our advice and continuing as you are.

If there’s only one step you can take, perhaps it’s reading about financial abuse and what that looks like. And maybe as a next step you can see your GP for counselling.

If you don’t feel able to say no I’m not paying you but you do feel able to reduce the amount going into the bank then that’s a start.

Please remember that from the outside we can see the abuse and it’s hard because none of us can say “yes giving her £100 a month sounds fair” because it’s frankly outrageous. However once this thread goes quiet you’re the one living your life every day and you’re the one on this journey. You’ve not failed if you try but can’t do it yet.

I hope you can take the spirit of these replies and see all the people who feel so sad for what you’ve been going through and see how amazing you are.

I hope you can take that and apply it to taking whatever steps you can towards being free. And even if it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back please just keep going one foot in front of the other. This isn’t easy.

Id cut her off myself she sounds awful.

It really is so sad.

@Lifeisinshambles

the only acceptable amount to pay is Zero, with. Immediate effect. She is abusing you financially. Please get in touch with Women's aid, adult social services and get support to report her to Police. Cut off all contact.

you owe her nothing.
You owe yourself a life free from her abuse.

Have you been keeping a record for yourself of what you have paid back? I’d total that and tell her she’s getting no more. Look at all these replies telling you the same thing. It's the only was to get back on your feet, to distance yourself from her.

My dad is the same with me and my two siblings. He has handed over a small fortune over the years: help with mortgages, redundancies, divorce, cars, bad choices. He was ‘just’ a printer, so not loaded, but he did what he could for us. He’s 91 now and he says he helped because we always worked and did our best to help ourselves. It’s what parents do 🙂

You really need to go no contact with her. She is abusing you financially and in the past, emotionally if not still. I’m not sure Stepchange (who are a genuine debt support charity) can really help you as it sounds as if the “loan” is not formal and this is more about the dynamics between you and her bid for control. Maybe try Citizens Advice for help in budgeting and they can signpost you to a relevant organisation to support your independence. £800 is a low wage, is there any way of increasing this? How are you affording a place to stay etc? Good luck

What a truly wonderful post! All power to the young people on here navigating really abusive childhoods, and the wisdom, life experience gained. This is one of the best posts on here - sent from the heart, from lived experience and with true understanding.

YABU to pay her anything at all. Just don't.

good luck to you, you sound amazing

You need to change that mindset, @Lifeisinshambles. You have come so far, and achieved so much, and I am 100% sure you can change your thinking on this.

Tell yourself that a good mum wouldn’t want to tie you into a cycle of debt (taking so much of your income that you have to borrow more just to eat/pay bills). And you have paid her a lot of money, so it is more than likely that you don’t owe her anything anyway.

I think you should tell her you can pay her £50 a month, but no more, and that you want to see a clear breakdown of how much she has loaned you and how much you have already paid her back before she will get a penny more from you. I am willing to bet that she won’t be able to produce proper records, and she is actually just fleecing you.

I am glad that you have your friend, who you stayed with - good friends who help and support you are worth so much more than toxic family.

Just stop paying your awful abusive mother, cut her off and use the money to pay for some therapy.

@Lifeisinshambles

Just say you borrowed £20 a week, every week, for three years, you would have borrowed £3120 over the three years.

If you paid your mum £200 per month for three years you have already paid her back £7200. You have, by these numbers, already more than paid her back.
Now, this is just basing on what you have said, so it might be different. Also, you need to take off a year where your parents should have still been paying for you, so it would be even less.

This is just another form of her abusing you, by controlling you. Her control has changed from physical to financial, but it is still abuse.
You need to get help to be able to see a way through this fog, and also FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

You owe her NOTHING and I hope you realise this soon💐

Seriously OP, let me explain my story. At 23 I moved out into a rental home with my sister who was 3 years younger, had quit uni, got a job, then decided to quit that job few months in to go to a diff uni fulltime. She didn't find another job for 6 months. I was paying the rent and supporting her with food, even giving her money to spend, once she spent it on train tickets and went to London to meet someone she was chatting to online, I ended up using my savings to support us both.
Anyway at 25 year old, i bought my own house and she lived with me, while she worked she paid rent but a low amount like £100 a month, I asked her to do this as she didn't earn a lot so wanted her to save up for herself.
From march 2005 to jan 2014 she lived with me, towards the last few years she was paying me 200 a month and completely supported herself. Over the previous years, I logged some of what she owed but not everything, estimate got to around 10 grand. What have I asked her for since she moved out, had decent jobs, got married etc..nothing! Because that's what family and love means, not keeping count on what someone owes you.
Not sure what is going on with your mum and asking for money, but it doesn't sound healthy at all. Please look after yourself and put yourself first.

100 per cent. Im totally feeling your upset on this. I cant get over how disgusting this woman is to her own daughter!!

Op at your age and circumstances I do not believe you are in debt to your mum for needing money for food and being short of money every month due to leaving home. Im taking your post at face value and no mum worth her name would see this as 'debt' if she wants to cut contact over this then let her, you must put your own financial needs first. Please also try to get help in the rw. Someone to talk to that you trust but also have some faith in yourself. Youre still so young and there's so much you can do, maybe even more learning , maybe a career change. What ever it may be, wishing you all the best!! 🥰

I am so sorry about your mum. She's awful. What an understatement.

It's obviously not easy for you, but you definitely, definitely don't owe her this money. Not legitimately, not morally.

She holds stuff against you that happened when you were a teenager, in really difficult circumstances? Let her do that. Let her stew for the rest of her life over it. YOU deserve the opportunity to move on, move up in life, and she is denying you that - not only financially but also she's got you intimidated into thinking she's got a case. She hasn't.

Just...let her get on with her life. You pay her the money, she treats you badly. You don't pay her the money, she treats you badly. You emphatically don't owe her that money. Let her think badly of you. It's not going to make you feel different.

You've got a boyfriend, is he any use and support? What about your employers, who are housing you? Can you count on them to understand if she tries to take it all out on you?

I think it's really strong of you to come here and get some opinions, and it's not an easy thing you've done, so well done, and wish you all the best.

Do you still have a social worker or throughcare worker as a formerly looked after young person OP?

Some areas offer support up to age 23 and it sounds like you would benefit from support emotionally and practically.