Mum demanding payments each month

So sorry OP. She should have been supporting you financially anyway to 18.

Can you verify the total amount ‘lent’ and time line?

Would there be any record of this (old bank statements showing her payments in, you could request these from your bank if you can’t access them online yourself) or was it only cash payments?

I think it would be very difficult for you to pay anything back at a rate of more than £80 a month, £400 is ridiculous.

If she won’t write off anything ‘borrowed’ before 18 and agree a sensible plan for anything after that, I would let her cut contact if she wants to.

You have done well to maintain some relationship with her until now given all that’s happened. Well done OP you seem to be finding your way despite the challenges, hopefully you will navigate a way out of this that will give you some peace of mind either way.

Please, please, please stop paying her!!! She’s using you to fund her lifestyle whilst you struggle. What kind of mother does that?! She will fleece you for as long as you let her. Please, just stop! If she goes no contact with you after that, then it shows what kind of person she is, and by the sounds of it you are much better off without her. Stop letting her financially abuse you. Don’t feed her need for control. You deserve so much more!!!!

This is financial abuse. If a friend said their bf was making them pay this would you think it was ok?

she's manipulated you and the family. If they blindly go along with her just shows their true colours. It’s so hard to go no contact especially with our mums who are meant to provide never ending love but sometimes we have to for self preservation

If she gave you small amounts of money and they are not recorded as loans you have no legal responsibility to pay her back. Many people who lent large sums of money in good faith have fallen foul of this. You were a teenager and these small sums are irrelevant. She was responsible for you, it's called being a parent.
She is being controlling and coercive. I know it's hard and I would rarely advocate this, but you do not need to pay her back, and if that means cutting off contact that's what it takes. You sound as if you would be better off without her. She is not acting as a loving parent to you.

Exactly this. Refuse to pay any more. Let her take you to court (she won’t because she doesn’t have a leg to stand on).

Contact Womens Aid. It’s not just for abuse from partners. They will be able to advise and teach you about the signs of abuse manipulation, boundaries and how to put them into place. This will serve you well for the future for any other relationships.

Try and work out how much you have already paid and don’t pay any more until she can prove what you owe.
You can take control with some help. 💛

@Lifeisinshambles I know we say people are adults at 16yo but biologically speaking we are not matured until we're 25yo, so you are young to be independent (well done) and looking after yourself.

Be proud of yourself, I feel proud of you and I dont know you!

I think you might need some counselling - ask your GP to refer you or call Mind and see if the can help you. The counselling is to help you start to understand why you feel the way you do about your parents and help you start to grow resilience.

You owe your mum nothing. You owe your dad nothing. You were abused as a child. They owe you.

Your mum has shown time and again she cares zilch for you. She is a loan shark and you are again her victim.

Please open your mind to see her how she is. As hard as it will be for you, you will survive and be stronger. Believe in yourself. You've come so far.

Forget your mum and her money. She'll burn through that and even if she doesn't she'll never give you any of it.

Put all of this down to experience and move on without her.

Please do not pay her anything. If you have to pay your mum for a relationship, she is no mother to you.

We all need people you can talk to - find someone else you can confide in and vent to. If you don't know anyone and if social services cant provide you with support, people on here dm each other, see if you can find some to talk to here.

Good luck xxx

What have you borrowed in total??
How much have you paid back?

then NEVER borrow from her again!!!!!! She is abusive,

the more you earn the more she will ask. Just because you can.

Write down everything you have ‘repaid’ her ever.

she is now wanting £4,800 a year off you!!!

end this cycle of her saying you owe her money. Cut the cycle totally.

CAP do a fantastic service, see where your nearest one is ( Christians Against Poverty - and no you don’t need to be religious). See if they can help you sort this out and perhaps advocate for you.

Where you in Education or training when you left home and was your mother collecting Child benefit for you? You may find she owes you money.

You shouldn't have to fend for yourself at 17, tell your DM that you don't owe her anything in fact you have overpaid.
Any decent mother would be helping you out not trying to get half of your wages.
You be better off without her in your life.
Good luck

Wow you’re such a lovely person and she’s clearly taking advantage of your good nature and still emotionally abusing you. My heart breaks for you and tell her you need evidence of what you owe and what you have paid so far or have you gotten a written contract with her? If not then she can’t really do much and if she did it wouldn’t get far in a small claims court xx

Please don’t pay her another penny. It is up to her if she still wants contact. I personally think you would be better off if she were not in your life but I understand you are worried about feeling guilty.
In your shoes I would be trying to think of a long term plan to get a job/life further away. You may even then be able to have limited contact on your own terms.

The way you’re feeling is actually very common for children who’ve been removed from the family home in that there’s a sense of guilt for ‘breaking up the family’ and you’re trying to make up for it when really you should be saying that you’ve already re-paid plenty so it’ll be stopping as of September.

I know therapy is very expensive and if you’re already shelling out 50% of your wage probably not something you can afford, but it might be worth looking into whether your gp can get you some on the nhs or otherwise really sitting and examining why your so willing to put yourself in a shitty financial situation just to appease someone who has been a bit of a crap parent.

What sort of a mother is this? She is cruel and loveless. She wasn’t there for you when you were a child and now you are afraid to stop paying her the money she is extorting from you.

Being brought up by a mother like this will have affected the way you think. That’s why you can’t bring yourself to go against her. But anyone who had had a more loving upbringing would be fine doing it.

I know the word trauma is bandied around a lot but I think you have to some degree been traumatised by your upbringing. Read a book on attachment theory. Read The Body Keeps The Score about trauma. Start to understand how your childhood has affected you so you can move forwards from it and not be imprisoned by it for the rest of your life.

£20 a month for 3 years is £720 if it was £20 a week fir 3 years then it would be £3,120 the maths don’t add.
i would go to your bank and ask for 3 years statements you can then see how how much you have laid back. It was was bacs to you from her you will see that too. Get a highlighted pen and highlight it all to make it easy on paper.
this is an awful situation. She probably still received child benefit for you too.
please try and go to your gp and ask for counselling you are a survivor of abuses and still a very young person. You have had a very hard start and I wish you well for the future.
I wonder whether there is a sensible grounded much older adult at work that could help you? If not then obviously these type of forums can help you.
good luck x

She sounds like my mother. I left home at 18,and my siblings left at 15 and 16. The day I cut contact with her was the day my own mental health started to improve. My mum was an addict and would get money any way she could including out of us as kids.

Do not give her any more money, then use that to access some low cost counselling to continue rebuilding yourself. You can break the cycle of abuse, don't wait until you have your own child to protect like I did, to do so.

It sounds like you have been manipulated by your mother in a way that has you believing you are the one in the wrong and you should feel guilty if you do anything against her therefore keeping you controlled into putting up with her disgusting behavior to you, but trust me you are NOT to blame for anything. Shes the only one who should be ashamed.

I don’t think you should even ask for a breakdown. That’s just entertaining more of her shenanigans. Better to just cut contact. She was a bad parent then and she’s no better now. People like that… they won’t change and you won’t make them see sense. Perhaps spent the money on some therapy instead, if and when that’s affordable. I can’t imagine how difficult things have been for you. Prioritise you and your happiness. And what would you say to a friend in your shoes? I really wish you well, OP.

Stop paying her. Just stop.

You owe her nothing.

That woman, and your father, are monsters.

This has made me so sad OP. I hope things get better with time. I’m so sorry your mum is like this.
she needs to give you a breakdown of everything in writing (with proof).
only give back what you can afford monthly (I think you said £100). If she doesn’t need it she is being difficult and it doesn’t sound like you put her in difficulty when you borrowed from her.

Do not be sorry. You haven't done anything to be sorry for - that's on your mum.

If you ask her, you open up a channel for her to manipulate you. If you just say no, you're not doing this any more because you've paid her back far more than you ever borrowed, then you retain your power. If she gets difficult, you just leave.

I sincerely hope that you manage to physically get away from this person - not soon but eventually. It's disgusting, how she's treated you.

Do your best to write down everything you might have borrowed; £20 each month for 1 year and £200 per month for 2 years is £2640. Next add up everything you repaid; £200 for* *12 months + £400 for 2 months is £3200. Write it all neatly in a list for her. Write on the list that you have paid back everything you owed plus £560 (or whatever the amount comes to). State you are now clear of all debts to her. Make copies before you send it to her. Then ideally don't involve this selfish woman in your life again, you may find it tricky at first but will be far better off without her in the long term, I'm so sorry your mum has let you down so badly. You've done brilliantly, you will do even better, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

She's doing this to keep you on the hook and as a form of control.

What a bloody awful person.

She isn’t a mother she’s a leach !!!
cut contact and get yourself some therapy in learning to value and love yourself 🙏

Tell her if she wants you to pay her another penny she needs to tell you exactly what the balance of any money you owe her, and how that is made up.

I think it fair to assume she won’t be able to do this. Or at least won’t be able to justify the amount she’s asking for.

if you do feel the total is reasonable, then you tell her how much you can afford to pay, not the other way around. So if you think you can afford only £10 per month, that’s what she gets.

P.S. Don’t give ten seconds thought about her bad-mouthing you, she’s probably doing it already, and you can just tell everyone she acted like a loan shark.

P.P.S. The fact she’s inherited money doesn’t come into it, you don’t have to not pay back somebody money you legitimately owe them because they don’t need it.