Mum demanding payments each month

My late mum was a narcissist who abused me emotionally and physically as a child as well. Please listen to me when I say it took several therapists and a very long time to realise what my mum was doing to me ( as emotional abuse and especially narcissism wasn’t recognised at that time) She even used my brother and my own daughter -who’s an adult now as enablers against me - and also used money as a means of control. which made my life a living hell, but your mum actually goes beyond anything my mum has ever done. You’re actually saying that she even keeps a note of the £2 here and there she’s lent you ?? When other people on here have rightly pointed out, that she would have been receiving Child benefit for you and was responsible for looking after you financially until you were 18 anyway. Her despicable actions would be bad enough, but what makes it even worse is that her bank balance is due for an even bigger windfall, and she should actually be trying to plan and to help you sort out your finances, but instead she’s hellbent in trying to ruining your life.Ti be honest she actually owes you, not the other way round. Please listen from someone who’s actually been there. You really need to go No contact and get this toxic person out of your life once and for all. She will start the smear campaign, thats a given with all narcissists, but believe me. No no amount of money is worth the peace you will find, once these poisonous snakes are out of your life. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner with my own mum. I now have PTSD and extreme anxiety, but it’s not too late for you to start healing from this awful abuse. You can do this, and are doing so well on your own. Sending you best wishes and a big hug.

This. I just wouldn’t pay it back - you’re 20. Child benefit and maintenance is paid until child is 19 if they’re in education so you’re considered a financial dependent until then and I certainly expect to be contributing to my children’s finances until well after that. Just say you can’t give it back and stop.

I’m so relieved to see you say this!

We are programmed to love our parents, and to look up to them, consider them essential in our lives.

When parents behave really badly, we still see them the same way and need their approval.

Breaking out of that is hard, but really important. For you to grow up, be independent and happy, you need to recognise that these people have failed as your parents. You owe them nothing and they will never give you what you need, because they can’t.

You owe them nothing. You have achieved amazing things despite them, not because of them. You can let go of them and build your own life without them. Please do.

Yes get a proper breakdown.
if you think it’s correct and you want to pay her back then work out a payment plan that you CAN afford. Don’t let her impose it on you.
If you do t want to pay anything more back / you don’t think it is accurate then don’t pay anymore. Tell her you dispute the amount and she’s already had all your repayments.
Tale advice from somewhere like Citizens Advice or if your employer has any employee assistance programmes.
You're doing well, don’t let her drag you down

There is no contract so no legal claims she has upon you.
She has failed as a mother and is using money and this "debt" is a means of control and abuse beyond her roof.

You owe her nothing, morally, financially or emotionally.

If you cut her out, it's self-protection, not a personal failing. Some family relationships are beyond salvaging.

@Lifeisinshambles Save all the money you would have been giving to her (I'm with everyone else on this, don't give her a penny more, it's seems very clear you've already overpaid by hundreds), and maybe consider spending it on some therapy to help you process the parental abuse you suffered and learn to draw healthy boundaries with them.

Your Mum has effectively got you in a protection racket and this is financial abuse.

I know you don't want to cut contact but there is no relationship here to save. She is abusive and toxic.

If she still believes that you owe her money, this means she would’ve kept a tally i.e. a running total. Ask her for written detail of this and see if you agree with it.

Other than that, maybe consider what she actually brings to your life in being in it

As being said previously you Don't owe her anything, parents are supposed to look after their children, she failed miserably she owes you not the other way round, cut contact and try to make a good life for yourself, you deserve it.

Hi OP. I just want to check because I think I must have misread your first post - when was the last time you borrowed anything off your mum?
is this a situation where you are borrowing throughout the month and paying her back for that months borrowing when you get paid! So you are in a circle?

Why would you blame yourself? People have pointed out that you do not owe your mother anything. Up to the age of 18 she had an obligation to pay for everything you needed, and most decent parents would continue supporting their children well beyond that age. It's her fault she threw you out, not yours. You must have repaid well above what you actually owed.

If your mother ends up going no contact, it's her fault, not yours. I suspect that she wouldn't in practice, but I'm really not sure why you want her to be in your life above anything more than a minimal extent. She will forever be trying to guilt-trip you about this nonsense, and will never acknowledge that she's been a dreadful, greedy excuse for a parent.

You don’t owe her anything and I wouldn’t be paying anything.

However, I know what it’s like having abusive parents and I know how hard it is to cut that tie. I am a few years older than you and it’s only recently I’ve managed to do that. I let my Mother torment me for years out of some weird moral loyalty I had to her. My life is so much better without her in it now.

So I would personally put a request in for bank statements as far back as when you moved out and add it all up. Then I would add up what you’ve sent her and remove it from the total. As other PP have said you’ve most likely paid back more than you borrowed. I would also be tempted not to count anything you asked her for at 17. There’s a reason you were removed from her by social services at that age. That’s because she should have still been looking after you by providing a roof over your head.

Sounds like you need to just stop paying & cut off contact. The other alternative is to try to reason with her. If she is financially secure she should as a caring mother forget what you owe her. As parents we have always tried to help our children financially if possible and as foster carers we still help out a couple of young people who have left our care.

Well done

You can be strong on this - it will not be easy and probably a bit awkward; but so, so worth it to end this horrible hold she has over you - which likely does not even exist anymore

Have you read the full post emmaovary what a horrible person you are.
She can tell her mum the debt is paid after being physically hurt by her .
Hope you don't have kids.

I'm so sorry you have a parent who behaves in this way.
Ask her for a breakdown of everything she feels you owe her on paper and keep it to show your family explain to them you are going through hell with her and your not prepared to do this anymore.

This is for you , you can get on with your life with minimal or no contact from your mum .
She is controlling you and keeping you answerable to her ... guess what you're not you are free yes you are only 20 but you are and can do life without her manipulation and bad mouthing of you.

I'm sending you the biggest hug ever and willing you on to put a stop to your mum's behaviour.. do what your doing keep working hard keep bettering yourself for you .
Make a life for you us mums are here to help our kids and build them up not tear them down.

Big massive hugs x

Oh naff off

Although this feels as if it’s about money, the effects of it are what’s causing you problems. The abuse that caused you to be put out of the family home must surely be having an emotional effect on you, so have you thought about asking your GP for referral to a counsellor.
Counselling can help you to work through the situation and develop healthy ways of moving forward without the guilt your mother is trying to cause you.

You won’t recover from this overnight but you sound like a well balanced young woman who is otherwise doing well in very difficult circumstances ( i.e you’re holding down a job and getting on with your life).

Please know that the people on this forum are behind you and I wish you well for your future.

Everyone wave at the mum.

Yes do ask for detailed written proof.

im wondering if she is adding lost child support or something to your debt from when you were removed? Either or, it’s not your responsibility if so…

the only flip side I can think of is someone I know who borrowed from her Mum for a car. It wasn’t her first, but she kept on getting more ‘after pays’ for clothing etc and the mum just got sick of her not dedicating money to pay her debt back quicker… could this be what your mum is on about?

No matter what you think or say, your mother is enjoying riding on your back taking your money. She will put up objections if you reduce the money. Before you say anything you need to make sure you feel really clear and strong about what you want. She is taking liberties with you, you owe her nothing more. Honestly. Its heartbreaking to read how you have told her you are struggling and she is still demanding money from your fictitious debts. She should be apologising to upu and giving you money to make up for her rubbish parenting. This is all on her, she sounds awful. Stay strong, believe in yourself, you are definitely all paid up with her now. Time to get her off your back and start living your life

Stop paying your mother anything. Tell her she owes you £10 for every day of your life that she was a shit mum and she can set off your debt against that sum.

@Lifeisinshambles please don't worry. She sounds absolutely horrible. Well done for being so young and standing on your own.
Let her cut you off, don't give her half hour pay.
Gosh some mothers are really a piece of work. Im glad we talk about it more and more. The more we talk about it, the less "normal" people will think it is.
Getting ready to cut off my own mother.
Stay strong x

It sounds like you’ve definitely paid back what you borrowed, although what type of Mum keeps tabs on loans of 2 and 3 pounds to their daughter??? … this should tell you a lot. You sound like a very mature and responsible person. She neither appreciates nor deserves you.Please don’t feel upset or responsible for going no contact, it’s not your fault she is creating this situation. What she’s doing us coercively controlling you, whether or not you get a bank loan from a legitimate source and pay her back in one lump sum or not (if this is what you feel the need to do for your peace of mind), please remove her from your life or you will end up looking back in 30 years wondering why you’ve spent your life being upset trying to please someone who’s sole objective is to force you to live in chaos, always second guessing yourself and blaming yourself for not being loved by those who are supposed to do just that. Stay in contact and subject yourself to this at your peril. Good luck darling, you sound truly lovely. Xx

Oh gosh how horrible for you!
Ask for a full break down of what you owe and figure out a payment plan. If she can’t give you that then let her bad mouth you.
she should have taken care of you and failed so it’s her that should feel guilty not you. I can’t imagine treating my child this way. It’s just a form of control.
I couldn’t imagine letting my DD fend for herself at 17 then begrudging her the basics irrespective of how much I had or didn’t have.
If you need to go NC then do it. It’s on her not you.
Sending you hugs