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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 22/08/2025 11:58

She's toxic and she's trying to break you, don't let her 😍

RisingSunn · 22/08/2025 11:57

OP I must say with your kind of resilience and level-headedness - I have no doubt that you'll make a beautiful life for yourself - away from the horrid toxicity and abuse.

Just take one step at a time.

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

OP posts:
Ifyounevergiveup · 22/08/2025 11:52

@Lifeisinshambles @grumpygrape is right. Trauma (which is what you’ve been experiencing for a long time) has strange effects. When you go to your counselling, for example, you may find that for a little while you can’t actually speak. This is normal and @grumpygrape’s suggestion to treat this thread as an introduction and explainer is a really good one. Don’t be afraid, try not to be nervous, this is not a job interview. It’s about you and you are the expert in the room. Big love to you and if it would be useful to you, keep posting here. You have a world (literally, a WORLD) full of women who are so very proud of you. Well done for taking the steps you have and don’t look back. We’ll be a net of mums for you whenever you need one!

coachinghelp · 22/08/2025 11:38

Sorry about your £100, but I think congratulations are in order for your future away from these awful people. Good luck OP you sound really nice.

Rallentanda · 22/08/2025 10:47

OP sending you a big hug and lots of strength. I know it’s weird and tough, but you have freedom ahead of you, and some counselling set up. And money! Wishing you all the very best.

crazeekat · 22/08/2025 10:32

This is financial abuse. If it went in court she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Just stop paying and let her say what she wants. She is not a good person. She is using money to control you. Do not pay more and if she demands tell her to go to small claims court. She will soon shut up. Then I would go no contact with her then get your life in order. Let it be a lesson not to borrow any more money. Use ur next wage to get yourself sorted. Do a budget calculator and give yourself a treat too.

grumpygrape · 22/08/2025 10:05

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

This is great OP.
Whoever you speak to will be a stranger, just like us and you've been able to tell us all about it.
Maybe go through your posts on here , make notes, put them in order and that's your start for the therapy person.
We're all rooting for you 🤗

NavyTurtle · 22/08/2025 09:59

croydon15 · 16/08/2025 21:53

You shouldn't have to fend for yourself at 17, tell your DM that you don't owe her anything in fact you have overpaid.
Any decent mother would be helping you out not trying to get half of your wages.
You be better off without her in your life.
Good luck

This x

NavyTurtle · 22/08/2025 09:58

Never 'lend' money that you cannot afford to loose. I have 'lent' money to my kids over the years. I have never seen a penny back, and I don't want to either. I am their mother, its my job.

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 09:33

Normal parents don't disinherit their children The money you'll save not paying may well make up for any inheritance! You're young and presumably they are too. There may well not be anything left to inherit anyway.

You could report them here for being loan sharks
https://www.stoploansharks.co.uk/

Good luck with the therapy. Definitely contact them. They'll be used to people not knowing how to talk about someone, they'll help you find a way.

Home - Stop Loan Sharks

Contact the England Illegal Money Lending Team to report a loan shark. Call the 24 hour helpline 0300 555 2222 or complete a secure form on the website.

https://www.stoploansharks.co.uk

Tagyoureit · 22/08/2025 08:48

As crazy as it sounds, us lot here are so proud of you for standing up for yourself!!
You've done!! It is going to feel weird and confusing for a while but you will get to the point where you realise youre free of the burden that you've been carrying for so long.

It will take time, Rome wasn't built in a day, but you really making such positive changes.

I really wish you the best! ❤️

MyLimeGuide · 22/08/2025 08:45

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

Well done its a good start, there are lots of great self help books out there too, as others said you are definitely better off without them and who needs money from people like that (i can't imagine such vile people having that much anyway) you have been through a LOT poor thing. Stay strong it can only get better now. Xx

Bowies · 22/08/2025 08:02

I’m so sorry OP they really suck, but against the odds, you’re amazing and resilient.

They really don’t deserve you. Try not to take it to heart, it says everything about them.

It might be difficult to talk at first, just go at your own pace.

In the long run, not having them chipping away at your self esteem as well as the constant gaslighting and financial abuse, will be better than any ‘inheritance’ which they might dein to give (and were probably were never going to give you anyway).

Minglingpringle · 22/08/2025 08:01

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

That’s amazing. Just do it. Follow the process, step by step. Make the appointment. Turn up to the appointment. Answer any questions they ask you. And then remember how everybody on here supports you and you’re not stupid or weird, you’ve just had a really tough time. Hopefully you will find it’s not as scary to talk about it as it feels at this point. Things rarely turn out exactly as you imagine them so don’t scare yourself with visualising what might not happen. Just follow the process and do your best at each stage.

Mumof2heroes · 22/08/2025 07:58

I know I don't know you OP but I feel so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I have a daughter your age and she is more precious to me than life itself and I will always do everything and anything I can to help her. That is normal parenting. I'm so so sorry that is not your experience but it is down to them not you. They are not worth the ground you walk on and I very much doubt there was ever going to be any inheritance. You deserved so much better and now is the time to find your strength and put yourself first. Counselling will definitely help you to love yourself just as you've always deserved to be loved. Sending huge hugs, you've got this ❤️

rainingsnoring · 22/08/2025 07:46

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 06:58

I sent her £100, and wrote a message explaining how I think this is the only way it’s going to work. Long story short, her and my dad have cut me off, told me I am a waste of time, that there’s no pill that can cure me and that I’m going to be cut out of the will Confused

Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do from here tbh

I'm so sorry that you have such appalling parents. You tried to take back some control over this situation where your own mother blackmails you for money. They didn't like that so are trying to regain control. They are vile and abusive people. Please just ignore them and over time you will feel better for being no contact with them. They are a destructive force in your life and always have been. Speak to your counsellor when you get allocated one. If you have any trustworthy adults or friends in your life, surround yourself with them or other similar people. Have you tried Young Minds? https://www.youngminds.org.uk
Your GP may be able to suggest local charities who might help you too.

YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People

YoungMinds are a mental health charity for children, young people and their parents, making sure all young people can get the mental health support they need.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk

Anewuser · 22/08/2025 07:27

As @CosmicEcho said.

You’ve been very brave and are standing up for yourself, so your mum is now trying to punish you.

Although a lot of us said you don’t owe her a penny, you’ve tried to compromise and offer her £100. This isn’t about money but her trying to control you, that’s why she has now threatened to cut you out of the will.

She would always use that argument but you could obey her forever and still find yourself cut out of her will - you’d never know the truth until she’s gone and that’s too late.

Accept any talking therapy or counselling your GP can offer. Don’t worry about what to say, just say the things you have told us. Any sane person will know how your mum has treated you dreadfully.

I’m so sorry you’re still going through this. The very best thing you could do for yourself is to go NC. I realise how difficult it will be but every day will get easier and you sound such a strong young woman.

Good luck, sweetheart.

CosmicEcho · 22/08/2025 07:15

This must be so confusing for you but I doubt this will be last you’ll hear from your mum.
You acted independently and she hated that you weren’t under her control anymore and is punishing you for this.
She was stifling you and holding you back.
You probably feel a bit lost now but over time, you’ll realise that without her abuse, you’ll be in a more settled emotional state.
Ask your gp to be referred for counselling to help you to process all this.

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 22/08/2025 07:08

I’m sorry but I don’t think this is a bad thing for you even though you might feel differently right now. They are not good people and will not have been in any way people that you should
have in your life. Things will be better when you surround yourself with friends and as you get older you will have your own family. I’m sorry your parents are such awful people. If there is any counselling you can access via work/uni/college/gp I would seriously look into that. There will be a lot of abuse you’ve suffered that needs unpicked and it will help you massively to move forward. Good luck.

myplace · 22/08/2025 07:05

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 06:58

I sent her £100, and wrote a message explaining how I think this is the only way it’s going to work. Long story short, her and my dad have cut me off, told me I am a waste of time, that there’s no pill that can cure me and that I’m going to be cut out of the will Confused

Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do from here tbh

Eventually you will see you are better off. I’d be surprised if the contents of the will were more than the amount they’ve been syphoning off you.

Please don’t believe this is about you- it isn’t. You are a reliable, sensible trustworthy person. You are worthy of being loved for your own sake.

The issue is your parents, not you.

Have a cry, and start parenting yourself as you should be parented- with kindness. Be nice to yourself.

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 06:58

I sent her £100, and wrote a message explaining how I think this is the only way it’s going to work. Long story short, her and my dad have cut me off, told me I am a waste of time, that there’s no pill that can cure me and that I’m going to be cut out of the will Confused

Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do from here tbh

OP posts:
SecretNameAsImShy · 18/08/2025 20:41

Your mother sounds like a dodgy loan shark!

TaRaRaBumDeeAy · 18/08/2025 20:37

This is financial abuse

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