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AIBU?

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Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
SecretNameAsImShy · 15/08/2025 16:00

Cut off ties. She doesn’t sound like she has enriched your life. Time to let go of the apron strings

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:59

Op - please go fo the GP. Six weeks of free counselling is available free of charge to everyone. You need it more than most.

When you are older you are going to see how awful this is, but for now you have all of us. Lots of virtual mothers to support you.

spoonbillstretford · 15/08/2025 15:58

Don't pay her anything. She's your mother and should be supporting you financially and emotionally, and she has singularly failed. She owes you years of love and support which you have not received. You deserve so much more. Keep your money and make your life away from this dreadful person.

TY78910 · 15/08/2025 15:58

She’s having you on OP. Chances are you’ve long paid off what you owe her. Tell her no receipts, no payment. Cut her off, you’ll be better off

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 15/08/2025 15:58

mumofoneAloneandwell · 15/08/2025 15:33

YOU DON'T OWE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING! YOU DON'T OWE HER A PENNY.

so what if she cuts you off? I'm estranged from my mum and step dad and their family (albeit i'm 10 years older than you) but its the best thing ever

Go solo. Tell her to get to fuck.

You deserved a better mother than her. And those who will try to reunite you or shame you, are just jealous of your potential and that you've managed to get away from her.

Keep going girl. Youre doing amazing sweetie xx

^^ absolutely this ^^

I am sorry but your Mum is an awful, disgusting person and I am sorry you didn't get a better one.

Please DO NOT pay her another penny and let her cut you off if she wants to.

You will be so much better off without her controlling you as she has done all these years.

Sirzy · 15/08/2025 15:57

You were removed from her care. The least she owes you is the odd £20 here and there!

Sounds like unfortunately you will be better off without her.

Finteq · 15/08/2025 15:56

I don't think she will cut contact with you.

Finteq · 15/08/2025 15:56

I am absolutely shocked.

I thought maybe she needed the cash and that's why she kept demanding it.

But you need to stop paying her.

Just stop.

If she decides to cut contact that is on her.

But you can't live like this.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:56

Also is she trying to say you need to pay her £400 a month every month? How could that even be right?

What mother "lends"her 17 year old child money for food after being so abusive the child needs to move out for respite??

I

Anewuser · 15/08/2025 15:55

@Lifeisinshambles this is such a sad tale.

I don’t see that you own her anything. If you had borrowed a couple of hundred pounds to buy a car or go on holiday, I could maybe understand where she’s coming from. But your ‘loans’ have come from everyday living expenses.

At 17, she was still responsible for your living costs.

I think you’ve done amazingly well to fend for yourself these past 3 years and you should be proud of yourself.

I can understand you being upset that you may get cut off or she will bad mouth you to others but it really is time to stand up for yourself.

A mother should want to support their child.

I wish you luck.

Shellyash · 15/08/2025 15:55

Without the facts you are a bit stuck. You need to ask her for the numbers of what you borrowed and when. And then go back to her with a plan that you can stick to. I hear what others are saying about cutting her off, but you are still a young girl in a big world, and you know your mum. Try to get the correct numbers and if possible try to get back on side but not with you taking the abuse. All the best with it, very difficult.

TorroFerney · 15/08/2025 15:55

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

You would stop, you’d feel awful for a bit and then the feeling would subside I promise you and be replaced by another better I am free feeling. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s right . It’s a feeling not a fact.

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:55

If you really can’t face saying no, then offer to pay her 50p a month and set up a direct debit and forget about it. Don’t let her disrupt you op. You were removed for very good reason and desperately need to see a professional counsellor to talk this through.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 15:55

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

Your mum should blame herself. She was and still is a horrible, uncaring mother. She will never change and never be the mother you want so you need to stop trying to please her.

Legally, she should have been financially responsible for you until you were at least 18, but she wasn't. You owe her absolutely nothing.

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:54

Sometimes I imagine what my life would be like without this cloud over my head. Every month I dread thinking about it.
But I dread thinking about how it could all go wrong too.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 15:53

You are being abused. No not give this woman another penny. Any threats from her then call the police. She's breaking the law.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:53

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

But how is it your fault when she's the one threatening to cut off contact from her own child?

She sounds abusive and uncaring, which isn't your fault.

It's hard to recognise when you've been conditioned that way all your life and blamed for everything, but it absolutely isn't your fault.

I'm sorry your mother is so awful. I had an abusive mother and thought I must have deserved it, until I had children of my own and realised it's never the child's fault.

YelloDaisy · 15/08/2025 15:53

You need some counselling so that you can get your head round this situation - you could see your GP -they might be sympathetic and put you down for some counselling to help with your feelings. It’s a sort of abuse she’s inflicting on you -but I’m not sure where you can get advice that you don’t have to pay for.

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 15:53

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:50

No, I don’t know how much I have actually supposedly borrowed, I don’t see how it could be much at all based on what I know I have been borrowing at a time. She has said before that it’s thousands, but that is simply not true or possible. I know that for an absolute fact, hand on heart.

What’s the worst she can do? Sue you? For what - she doesn’t even know herself how much you supposedly owe her. Vague ideas of a couple of thousand aren’t going to cut it. Tell her to jog on. You don’t have to do this anymore.

AlphabetBird · 15/08/2025 15:52

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:42

I don’t know if I can cut her off. She knows where I live, I don’t think she’d go quietly. I just can imagine what they would be thinking and saying if I did so. I just can’t picture it.

Oh love, the thing here is that you are just imagining it. That’s got a powerful hold, but it isn’t real.

Tot up what you’ve paid over three years, and if anyone challenges you tell them that you’ve paid X, that more than covers it, and you can’t be expected to live in poverty because you needed a bit of support when you were a child.

Bradley28 · 15/08/2025 15:52

This is so sad. It will seem like an unimaginable thing to have to do, but cutting all contact with your mum will do you so much good. No loving parent would do this to their child- I’d be giving mine £400 a month, not taking it. Please bite the bullet, block contact, and stop paying her any money. You will feel weird and guilty at first, but you will start feeling better and stronger. Are there any groups you can join? Any counselling services you can access? See if you can meet some people who will support you x

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/08/2025 15:52

This woman is loansharking you, her own daughter! CUT HER OFF. You owe her no more.

ChristmasMiracleBaby · 15/08/2025 15:51

She sounds abusive lovely, you need to get away from her.
I can't imagine helping my dc out with pennies then demanding 100s back in monthly payments for what? Nuts.
You will be better off without her, this is not a healthy relationship and I imagine she has emotionally manipulated you over the years to think this is normal behaviour. It's not.

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:51

Honestly op the issue isn’t the money. She wants you to be beholden to her. Please live your life far away from her, she is toxic and dangerous

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:50

ThatGladTiger · 15/08/2025 15:45

You need to explain to her you have paid her back and won’t be giving her any more money!

Do you have any idea of the total you borrowed? Were you planning on giving her a monthly amount forever? This isn’t making sense!

No, I don’t know how much I have actually supposedly borrowed, I don’t see how it could be much at all based on what I know I have been borrowing at a time. She has said before that it’s thousands, but that is simply not true or possible. I know that for an absolute fact, hand on heart.

OP posts:
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